Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...

by Iain Hollingshead

  Ian Looker

  Dorchester, Dorset

  QUEASY MEDIA

  SIR — As few, if any, television or radio commentators can properly enunciate the phrase “quantitative easing”, may I suggest “queasing”.

  John Maloney

  Biggar, Lanarkshire

  SIR — Can we have any confidence in the man in charge of HS2 when he does not even know how to pronounce the letter aitch?

  Andrew H.N. Gray

  Edinburgh

  SIR — Could someone please tell the BBC not to say “one pence”? It makes me talk to the radio rather louder than I normally do.

  Mark Lanyon

  Chedworth, Gloucestershire

  SIR — One can only rue the day when the received pronunciation of yesteryear was replaced by “imitated Pestonunciation” — a laconic drawl that places the emphasis on all the wrong syllables.

  The latest disciples of the Robert Peston school of speech seem to be Laura Kuenssberg, following fast on the heels of Lucy Verasamy.

  Bring back John Cole, say I.

  David Denton

  Belfast

  SIR — A newspaper reviewer on Radio 4’s Broadcasting House informed us that “IDS literally went for George Osborne’s jugular” with regard to disabled benefit cuts.

  It’s such a pity that no photographer appears to have been there to record this extraordinary event.

  David Brown

  Lavenham, Suffolk

  SIR — I believe there must be a table of adjectives available to journalists.

  I suggest:

  “Legend” — faded pop artist.

  “Personality” — no known expertise.

  “Star” — anyone on television with a speaking part.

  “World-renowned” — expert in little-understood subject.

  “Celebrity” — almost anyone else.

  There must be others.

  Ray Melvin

  Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

  SIR — Why do so many journalists utilise a word with seven letters when it would be just as effective and more efficient to use one with only three?

  John Stephenson

  Andalucia, Spain

  SIR — When did the word bought become purchased?

  Dr P.E. Pears

  Coleshill, Warwickshire

  SIR — Why have television interviewers gone to such absurd lengths to extend the simple salutation “Good morning”?

  The greeting briefly became “Good Morning to you,” and has now become “A very Good Morning to you”.

  The interviewee, not wishing to be outdone, then responds with: “And a very Good Morning to you, too.”

  Nicholas Young

  London W13

  SIR — Again my ears are assailed by “forward planning” (Today programme this morning). I am waiting eagerly for someone to tell me about their “backward planning”.

  Brian Frater

  Praze an Beeble, Cornwall

  SIR — A few years ago in our local bookshop, a poster advertised the latest Harry Potter book which you could pre-order.

  I told the lady behind the counter that I didn’t want to pre-order it, I just wanted to order it. She said that wasn’t possible.

  Geoff Jones

  Ross-on-Wye, Herefordshire

  SIR — Could we not consign uptick to the dustbin? Apart from its inelegance surely the prefix “up” is superfluous? I have never seen a downtick.

  Peter Lee

  Waterloo, Merseyside

  SIR — No wonder Lord Grantham’s ulcer burst after hearing his daughter, Lady Edith, inform him that she was going to “meet up” with a friend in London. In the 1920s everyone was quite content just to meet.

  C.A. Delahunty

  London W2

  SIR — Those in charge of the musical content of Downton Abbey should be congratulated for ensuring that the cast singing Auld Lang Syne in the final episode pronounced syne with a soft “s” and not, as is usual, with a hard “z”.

  It was a rare treat. Well done.

  Lin Thomas

  Aberfeldy, Perthshire

  SIR — As a user of subtitles when watching television I was intrigued to see that an “Anti-war hole” exhibition has just opened at our local art gallery.

  Owen Hay

  Stanway, Essex

  SIR — We often see subtitles on the screen for foreigners, even when they speak clear, intelligible English.

  Please could we also have subtitles for many of the reports from British vox pops. All too often my wife and I turn to each other and ask: “What did he say?”

  P.R.A. Barron

  King’s Worthy, Hampshire

  SIR — My dearly beloved wife would appreciate it if you could somehow stop anyone on television saying “revert back” and “reverse back”. She feels that my ranting at the television may be risky for the blood pressure.

  I can still remember my old English professor explaining that “tautology means saying the same thing — not, I hasten to add, saying the same thing twice, as that in itself would be tautologous”.

  I hope to get out more in the better weather.

  Tom Boyd-Smith

  Norton-on-Tees, Co Durham

  SIR — The weather forecasters regularly remind us to “wrap up warm”. Where can I find this thing called warm in order to be able to wrap it up?

  Barbara Bannister

  North Frodingham, East Yorkshire

  SIR — The temperature where I live has reached 23 degrees centigrade today. I am a bit worried because I don’t think we were told by the weather forecasters that it was going to be quite so hot, and in particular we were not told to “drink plenty of fluids”.

  Michael Lavelle

  Scaynes Hill, West Sussex

  I AM VERY CROSS TODAY

  SIR — Why is it that all nuisance calls always start with the caller, who is completely unknown to you, asking, “How are you today?”

  Have they any idea how insincere they sound? Who trains these people?

  Maurice Anslow

  Malvern, Worcestershire

  SIR — When I collected my coat from the cloakroom at the Barbican Centre last week, I was rather bemused when the young man handed it back to me with an “Enjoy!” But I have to say that, pan-fried later that evening, it was surprisingly tasty and tender.

  C.H.

  Newmarket, Suffolk

  SIR — Why do we need to “fudge” an issue when fudge, especially Devon fudge, is so tasty and invigorating?

  Hyder Ali Pirwany

  Okehampton, Devon

  SIR — As a very old man I envy young people their energy and verve but not their refusal to commit themselves wholly to any emotion. Is prefacing what they say with “I am like” simply an opt-out for the real thing?

  Robert Vincent

  Wildhern, Hampshire

  SIR — A friend of mine who does not like being wished “The Peace of the Lord” during church services responds with “Your place or mine?” He assures me that this usually has the desired effect.

  Derek Wellman

  Lincoln

  WEDDING NIGHT BLUES

  SIR — I am getting married soon and was completing an email to the registrar outlining, amongst other things, the music we wish to have played during our ceremony.

  My phone helpfully translated Eine Kleine Nacht Musik to Wine Kleenex Nacho Music. Doesn’t that sound like the most tragic night in ever?

  Jonathan Oliver

  Reigate, Surrey

  SIR — This morning our local church’s forthcoming Notice Sheet had this wonderful offer: “The third Thursday drop-in is at Christ the King this week, 2 to 3.30 pm. Anyone who fancies a drink and a chap is welcome.”

  Penelope Money-Coutts

  Peppard Common, Oxfordshire

  GOODBYE AND GOD BLESS

  SIR — A leading cinema chain has banned an advertisement containing the Lord’s Prayer in case it offends those of other faiths or of no faith. Perhaps it should also
ban all films containing the word “Goodbye” which is, after all, merely a contraction of “God be with you”.

  Nigel Peake

  Emsworth, Hampshire

  SIR — Might I suggest that cinemas ban all advertisements which imply that buying things makes one’s life better? That oft-unnoticed belief-system is slowly ruining everything.

  Adam Wasenczuk

  Eastleigh, Hampshire

  PC CRUSADERS

  SIR — Instead of crying “Allahu Akbar”, perhaps the Manchester Police should instruct the bomber in their next reconstruction to employ the old Crusader war cry: “Deus vult”. It may lack modern verisimilitude but it should mollify the diversity lobby.

  Julian Waters

  Standford, Hampshire

  SIR — Why hasn’t Winnie-the-Pooh joined Titty from Swallows and Amazons as an unacceptable name?

  John G. Prescott

  Coulsdon, Surrey

  SIR — Changing the name of Titty to Tatty is the worst of political correctness. As nouns and verbs are so often muddled today it is surprising that Roger, the ship’s boy, wasn’t also renamed.

  Edward Church

  Selling, Kent

  THE LAST CUT IS THE DEEPEST

  SIR — Of all the cuts our Police have had to endure of late the unkindest, and certainly the most irritating, has to be their reduction to a single syllable by Theresa May in her recent speech.

  Peter Hoskins

  Calverley, West Yorkshire

  SIR — Does anyone think Nicola Sturgeon can string a sentence together without using the words Tory or progressive?

  Alastair Cannon

  Bridport, Dorset

  SIR — With regards to Cameron’s “working mothers”, could a pair of “stay-at-home mothers” care for each other’s children (for equal pay) and thus become “working mothers”?

  B. Sanders

  Brighton

  SIR — A “reformed EU” is now more important than “hard-working families” to MPs. A new vote requires a new mantra.

  Maurice Hastings

  Bickington, Devon

  SIR — It was interesting to read that Lord Rose is “delighted to join the In Campaign’s board as chair”. I wonder who will sit on him first.

  R.B.

  Lincoln

  THANKS, DAVE

  SIR — The drafters of those circular emails which are sent out from time to time by Mr Cameron and Mr Fallon should be told that the only thing that irritates one more than being addressed by one’s Christian name by someone one does not know personally is to find it inserted, for emphasis I presume, again in the body of the text.

  David Vaudrey

  Doynton, South Gloucestershire

  SIR — Recently I had to make a complaint to a public service after my emails had been ignored. Yesterday I received a reply telling me that someone had been told to respond to me “without haste”.

  Does no one read what they have written before sending it any more or are they simply being honest?

  Dr H.J. Williams

  Prestatyn, Denbighshire

  TAKEN TO TASK

  SIR — A friend of mine has received a letter from one of his employees proffering his resignation. His stated reason for leaving was that the job was “too task orientated”. Can your readers suggest what he means?

  C.W.

  Aughton, Lancashire

  SIR — I was surprised when ringing the office from a payphone in 1985 to hear a colleague say: “I’m so busy I haven’t got time to swing a cat.” A few years later the firm’s young telephonist told me that she recognised a new male client because she had “a feeling of rendezvous”.

  Gregory Moore

  Bledlow, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — People who mix their metaphors make my goat boil.

  David Shaw

  Codford St Mary, Wiltshire

  SIR — An acquaintance of mine who worked for HMRC said that he had examined a tax return for a sex worker who described her occupation as a “contractor for the demolition of temporary erections”.

  Vincent Shanahan

  Watford, Hertfordshire

  REIGN IN THE SUBS

  SIR — I read in my Telegraph TV guide on Saturday that Chris Evans has “reigned in” his shouting; and in the magazine that Stella Tennant has taken over the design “reigns”.

  Have your journalists been spending too much time covering Her Majesty’s birthday?

  D.N.

  Westgate on Sea, Kent

  SIR — I was alarmed by the caption accompanying the photograph on your Letters page today: “Fox hunting in Wales”.

  Surely: “Exercising hounds in Wales”?

  Chris Bands

  Priors Dean, Hampshire

  SIR — In your report on the Government’s EU leaflet you say that the Government is spending “taxpayers’ money” on its production. As the Government has no money of its own, all its spending is raised from taxation. Whether it spends “money”, “taxpayers’ money” or even “hard-working taxpayers’ money” appears to depend on the degree of effrontery felt by the reporter.

  G.G.

  Leominster, Herefordshire

  SIR — I suggest that the Government should employ a proof-reader for its Universal Jobmatch site. When applying for cleaning vacancies I am often asked for my experiences in hovering, moping and weeping.

  Stefan Badham

  Portsmouth

  SIR — Local papers are often a source of amusement. This week ours carried a photograph of a happy couple celebrating a “reprisal” of their wedding vows. One wonders if “renewal” might have been a better choice of word, unless of course they had Fight the Good Fight sung at their wedding.

  Nora Jackson

  Uttoxeter, Staffordshire

  SIR — Congratulations to Allison Pearson for the Telegraph’s first “from whence”of the year. The target (to beat?) is 44 from 2014, or 27 from 2015 — mostly from the Sport category.

  Richard Weeks

  Felixstowe, Suffolk

  SIR — I’m puzzled when your reports replace missing words with a row of dots.

  Recent quotes read:

  “You’ve had your 10 minutes, you f…… b……… I’ll f…… knock you out.”

  I guess that the missing words are as follows:

  “You’ve had your 10 minutes, you frightful bounder. I’ll finally knock you out.”

  Could this form the basis of a party game?

  Desmond Clark

  London SE2

  SPLIT INVECTIVES

  SIR — I was amused to read the correspondence, from 1964, about split infinitives. I recall one of my schooldays from around that time when a friend and I were walking across a quad from the main school to the classrooms.

  My friend looked to the heavens and declared, in a very loud voice: “Damn! It’s going to bloody pee!”

  He had not noticed our housemaster walking towards us. He stopped to tell my friend: “For heaven’s sake, boy, please don’t split your infinitives” — and went on his way.

  Paul Cheater

  Litton Cheney, Dorset

  UNFASHIONABLE PUNCTUATION

  SIR — I read with horror your report stating that the full stop is going out of fashion due to impatient instant messengers. When I send a text to my daughter, I use commas, semicolons, full stops and the rest. It grieves me when in reply I receive “Ta” and a happy face.

  Malcolm Debonnaire

  Reading, Berkshire

  SIR — Never has anything been more important to one’s future well-being than the hyphen.

  I quote the difference between extra marital-sex and extra-marital sex.

  Jim Wilkinson

  Great Coates, Lincolnshire

  SIR — A year or so ago I encountered the word “miniseries” in the entertainment section of a newspaper. I didn’t know what it meant. Something to do with religion maybe? I recently discovered where to put the hyphen.

  David Daborn

  Weybridg
e, Surrey

  SIR — An otherwise brilliant Star Wars was ruined in the opening moments when the phrase (and I’m not making this up) “In a galaxy far, far away….” scrolled out on to the screen.

  I resisted the temptation to grab my granddaughter by the arm, abandon our various popcorn, Kia-ora drinks and nacho treats, and storm out of the cinema.

  Imagine! Thousands of trillions of dollars spent on this long-awaited instalment and they don’t even care that an ellipsis has three dots, not four.

  Peter Anderson

  Kettering, Northamptonshire

  TREXIT

  SIR — On the back of Brexit, might it be possible to reclaim our traditional pronunciation? Half the population seems to adopt the American pronunciation of schedule and harassment (the film Fatal Attraction has a lot to answer for).

  John Ley-Morgan

  Weston-super-Mare, Somerset

  SIR — Why has the perfectly good English word outstanding been replaced by the ugly Americanism stand-out?

  Graham Jones

  Tytherington, Cheshire

  SIR — Why do we now call riding “horse riding”? What on earth else would we be riding in this country? A camel?

  I presume we are copying America, as ever.

  P.G.

  Winburg, Norfolk

  CLOSET CLOSETS

  SIR — My late grandmother would not say toilet, loo, WC or similar. She always referred to it as the howsyoumawhatsit and other bizarre constructions. We suggested she call it the sitting room, but she demurred.