And Now, Time Travel

by Christopher Brimmage

  Ginny frowned. “I’m important?”

  Randy shrugged again. “Hmmph. Guess so. If nothing else, the First Officer holds that opinion.”

  Ginny sat down, feeling overwhelmed. To her right, her corpse from her first death lay lifeless on the ground. It was incredibly off-putting to look upon her own dead body, especially this close.

  Ginny watched a pair of Purple Shirts wearing white coats approach her past-corpse. One put purple latex gloves on his hands and reached into the front pocket of the corpse’s pants. He retrieved Tiny-Ginny’s heart and dropped it into a clear plastic bag. He looked from the corpse over to Ginny. He nodded to Randy the Saw. Randy said to Ginny, “Y’know, you had this cosmic WMD on you the whole time.”

  “Hmmph. I guess I forgot about it,” Ginny replied.

  Doctor Randy frowned. “Good for us. Because if you’d have combined its power with the power of the cosmic pink teddy bear, you probably would have been the most powerful cosmic threat in the history of the Space-Time-Multinuum. And we probably wouldn’t be here having this conversation.”

  Ginny shrugged. She could easily envision Tiny-Ginny mocking her. But Ginny did not enjoy being evil, so she thanked whatever gods were listening for making her so forgetful.

  In the distance, Ginny watched the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker appear in the sky and begin firing down upon the Olympus building. Soon after, a blue spotlight launched up toward the ship. The Unicorn Husker then fired again down toward the roof, and afterward, some pink and blue objects—which, despite the distance, she recognized as the Pink One and the Blue One, respectively—crashed into it. She thought she heard screams. But she felt disoriented, so she ignored them and stared at her own feet.

  To her left, Doctor Randy and his medical crew picked up a Nothing Net from the ground. They pressed some buttons on its side, and from it emerged a headless Drillbot with the frozen pink blob sticking out from his top. The crew used some tools that Ginny had never seen before to remove the pink blob from Drillbot’s broken body. The tools looked like a pair of clamps powered by glittering lightning.

  They yanked the pink blob free from Drillbot’s insides, and then one of the nearby Purple Shirts wearing a white coat pulled a green pencil from her holster. She drew a door in the air, and a sudden void appeared. Dread filled Ginny’s stomach, and without knowing how, she understood that ancient, cosmic evils lurked within that void.

  Randy unceremoniously tossed the pink blob into the void, and then the bag containing Tiny-Ginny’s heart. He turned to Ginny. “Not to worry, lass. That place exists outside of space and time. Inside it is a place frozen in stasis for all of eternity. When things go in, they don’t come out again.”

  The Purple Shirt with the white coat used the green pencil’s eraser on the void. The void disappeared. Ginny frowned. Randy turned to Drillbot. Randy aimed a chrome device shaped like a numeral eight at the robot and fired. A small cone of green light enveloped the robot. Time reversed within the cone. Ginny watched Drillbot’s head reappear, and then watched him move backwards through a series of gestures and fighting maneuvers. He opened a plate over his torso and pantomimed pulling something out of it. His voice reverberated in the same backwards mode that Bob’s had taken when Ginny was in Hell and her world became reversed. Ginny began to feel nauseated staring at the scene, so she closed her eyes.

  Ginny opened her eyes a few seconds later and glanced at Drillbot. Drillbot floated in place with his drills stretched out before him, like he was diving in attack mode.

  Randy stepped out of the way and released the device’s trigger. Drillbot crashed to the ground. He leapt up onto his wheels and rubbed his head, confused.

  “[whir] Where is Drillbot? The last thing Drillbot remembers, he had been – CLACK – had been overtaken by the pink blob and was – CLACK – and was fighting with First Officer Alex.”

  Ginny jumped to her feet. “Drillbot! You’re alive!” she screamed with joy.

  Drillbot seemed to notice her for the first time since his resurrection. “[whir] Ginny! You’re alive!” he screamed back.

  She jumped onto him and hugged him harder than she had ever hugged anything. He hugged her back.

  Chapter 48

  JUST A B.I.T. OF SUBTERFUGE

  Alex stood on the bridge of the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker and stared out the view screen. He watched dozens of B.T.S. carrier-class dirigibles flit about the blackness of space above Earth 55,777, freezing random cosmic threats in time and then sending extraction teams to remove them from this reality and place them in the void outside of space and time.

  The B.T.S. Gregorian Chant just finished stuffing a colossal green-tentacled monster into the opening to the void when the door to the bridge opened behind Alex. Alex turned and watched as Captain King Solomon stepped aboard the bridge.

  “And that’s how me was able to reroute energy to keep engeenes runneeng and balloon aloft,” a gravelly voice exclaimed from behind the Captain.

  Behind the Captain walked Phanto Y’ilbish, the Chief Engineering Officer aboard the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker. Phanto belonged to a species from the timestream of Earth 48,944,309 that resembled gargantuan, pale hippopotamuses. He walked on his hind legs and had humanoid hands with eight fingers each. Phanto was wearing a marigold officer’s uniform that was so small on him that it only covered the very top of his torso, leaving his entire belly exposed. Phanto’s shirt size was so large that they had to be ordered custom from B.T.T. headquarters because his size did not come standard in the machines embedded in the walls of the Unicorn Husker’s hallways. Phanto’s custom shirt had apparently been destroyed during the battle with the cosmic bears. The version he currently wore was the largest available in the dispensers.

  Phanto rarely left the engine rooms due to his size and his propensity for reciting melancholy poetry that most of the crew could not abide. But during the battle with the cosmic bears, he had raced throughout the ship, providing his expertise to quickly plug breeches in the hull and to keep the ship floating after the engines became damaged.

  Alex nodded at Phanto. Phanto nodded back.

  Alex liked Phanto. He was one of the biggest unsung heroes on the ship. Alex thought back to the histories and annals of the B.T.T. he had studied during officer training, and he remembered no mention of Phanto. This was unfortunate, because in Alex’s opinion, Phanto was the single largest contributor to keeping the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker intact despite the continuous stream of hazards that the ship encountered. Alex frowned, knowing that in the coming years, Captain King Solomon’s wise leadership and Officer Leif’s above-average evasive maneuvers would receive the credit in the histories for the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker’s role in today’s battle.

  And then a second person limped into view behind Captain King Solomon and Phanto. This man had to hunch to walk through the door to the bridge, and he was only able to stand at full height once aboard because the bridge stretched across multiple decks and thus had a higher ceiling than most other areas of the ship.

  Alex instantly recognized the figure as the B.I.T. High Commander, the god Hephaestus. When Alex had last seen him, the god had been lying prone on the rooftop of the Olympus building, having lost one arm and trying his best to hold his disemboweled stomach together with his other.

  Captain King Solomon pointed to Alex and said, “And this is First Officer Alexandros ho Megas, one of the many heroes of the battle on your world.”

  Hephaestus limped over to Alex and shook his hand. At first, Alex was taken aback because there was no recognition of Alex in Hephaestus’ face.

  But then Alex remembered that this encounter was the first between the pair in Hephaestus’ timestream, and thus Hephaestus should have no reason to recognize Alex. In the coming years, they would team up once to fight the swirling lizard-hordes of Earth 701,777, which would threaten the B.I.T. home world, and then later would repeat the teaming to put an end to the Wild Postman, who was overcome with a cosmic papyro-organic virus that caused him to fill multi
ple universes with junk mail before a special forces crew from the B.I.T.—led by Hephaestus—partnered with the B.T.T. to put an end to him. However, both of these events occurred earlier in Alex’s life, but later in Hephaestus’, so at this point in Earth 55,777’s timestream, it was their first meeting for Hephaestus.

  Hephaestus said, “I thank thee for thy service, sir. Thou and thy team pulled the B.I.T. off the precipice of utter destruction. I had prepared contingencies, but each of them failed. The Bureau of Interdimensional Travel is in thy debt.”

  Alex nodded. “Just doing our duty. I’m sure the B.I.T. would have done the same for us.”

  Hephaestus’ eyebrow twitched. “Of course, of course,” he responded.

  “You seem to be faring much better now than you were upon the rooftop of your organization’s headquarters,” said Alex.

  “Oh, yes. One of my Doctor-Bots patched me right up and reattached my arm. Long ago, I built them in my forge for just such medical emergencies. I offered one of these priceless machines to each of the ships that arrived to help the B.I.T. in our hour of need. Thy captain was the only one to turn me down.”

  Alex smirked. That’s because he knows you would use them to spy on us, you devious bastard, thought Alex. And this spying will result in doom for these other captains during the Dynamite Kitten War of Earth 209,900,878, when you become possessed by OsPurrUs, the Egyptian Kitten War Deity of that reality, and lead its peoples to wreak havoc on the Space-Time-Multinuum.

  Before Alex could say anything, Captain King Solomon interjected, “That’s because the contribution of our own Randy the Saw is beyond value. We would not want to do anything to interfere with his confidence, and a mechanical replacement for many of his skills would surely do that.”

  Hephaestus shrugged, which consisted of his overlarge shoulder rising much higher than his smaller shoulder. “Very well. Thou may reach out any time if thou change thy mind.”

  Captain King Solomon smiled. “Wonderful. Do you need any help with the cleanup of Earth 55,777?”

  Hephaestus shook his head. “Nay. I’m calling in a fleet of ships to perform salvage work and begin the rebuilding.”

  Captain King Solomon nodded. “Very well. And what about your peoples’ knowledge of the B.T.T.? We cannot have word of our existence getting out into the wider Multiverse.”

  Hephaestus waved away the Captain’s question. “I know, I know! Doest thou think thee the first B.T.T. captain with whom I have entreated? I have fought beside thy organization for millennia, each of us protecting our own jurisdictions. Nobody can know about thee except my most trusted, highest ranking officers.

  “Ages upon ages ago,” he continued, “Following our first encounter, I forged a device to wipe the memories of my agents who encountered thee. I shall simply initiate that protocol, and thy organization need not worry about losing its secrecy. Though I must say, with all the Purple Shirts thou station throughout the timestreams and universes, thou doest a decent job of ridding thyselves of secrecy on thine own.”

  Captain King Solomon shrugged. “I don’t make the rules. I just follow them. And this one between our organizations has been around longer than me.”

  Hephaestus nodded. He said, “And with that, I thank thee once more, and will take my leave of thee.”

  Captain King Solomon cleared his throat. Hephaestus stopped. Captain King Solomon held out his hand as though waiting for something.

  Hephaestus said, “I nearly forgot.”

  “I’m sure you did,” replied Captain King Solomon. “There are a lot of other things in need of attention this day. But my leadership was clear on this point. I need it, or our institutions shall be at war.”

  Hephaestus turned, removed a rolled piece of parchment from his robes, and placed it in Captain King Solomon’s outstretched hand. Hephaestus lowered himself onto one knee. Hephaestus’ voice escaped his lips between clenched teeth, “Here is my formal apology and my denouncement of Agent 27142. He acted on his own accord and invaded the B.T.T. home reality without my permission. I would have stopped him if I had known of his treachery, and I would send him to a prison dimension for the remainder of his existence if he were still alive. I once more pledge the B.I.T.’s vast resources to assisting the B.T.T. when threats become large enough that thou desires our help.”

  Captain King Solomon nodded. He placed a hand on Hephaestus’ smaller shoulder. “Thank you, comrade. The B.T.T. has given me the authority to forgive you for this trespass. Your ignorance and inability to control your underlings shall no longer be a blight between us. All is now well between our organizations.”

  Hephaestus’ face twitched as he fought against the obvious urge to scowl. He stood upon his feet and limped off the bridge to return to his home world.

  Once Hephaestus was gone and the door to the bridge closed behind the god, Alex smirked at Captain King Solomon and said, “Why do you always antagonize him like that? And why do you insist on bringing him up here every time we go through this time-loop? You know he’s just sizing us up so he can try and take over this ship later. After the Wild Postman thing.”

  “I know. And I am also aware that he gets the idea for that scheme during this battle.”

  “I repeat, then,” said Alex. “Why bring him here at all? Why antagonize him?”

  Captain King Solomon sighed. “Think, boy. If the seed of the idea was destined to be planted in his head during this battle, then I can do nothing to stop it. What I can do is humiliate him, so he is filled with rage when he thinks of this ship, and hope it clouds his ability to properly plan. The other thing I can do is manipulate what he sees. I introduced him to our ship’s head engineer, who—in case you did not notice—spoke more in the presence of the B.I.T. High Commander than he has spoken in the presence of anyone for decades. Do you really think that was unintentional?”

  Phanto guffawed. “Me speak all kinds of meesinformation around heem about how the sheep works! Why you theenk he fails so bad when he geeve eet try to take us over?”

  Alex laughed. The complexity of time travel always made his head hurt. But he would not trade the experience for anything.

  The Captain sat in his chair. Alex glanced around the bridge. It felt empty with so many of the officers in the infirmary.

  The Captain pressed a button on the right arm of his chair. He said, “Chronal Date 4,890,888,581. Our mission: to seek out chronal anomalies and fix them diplomatically. The B.T.S. Unicorn Husker just successfully ended The Endless War That Never Ends Between Ultimate Life and Ultimate Destruction. We are now boldly headed to Earth 6,076 to close this time-loop and set it on course to repeat properly. Leif, take us there.”

  Chapter 49

  GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

  Older-Art opened his eyes. Bright fluorescent lights blared from above. It hurt to look at them, so he shut his eyes. The last thing he remembered was a bright pastel blue light, and then a brief image of his younger-self kneeling over him.

  His abdomen felt as though it were on fire. He reached down to touch it, but he found that he could not move his hands. He opened his eyes, squinting to see despite the bright light. He saw that his hands were strapped down to the sides of a hospital bed.

  A man in a marigold officer’s shirt covered by a white coat was bent over Older-Art’s midsection. He held a scalpel in one hand and a bone saw in the other. His tongue was poking out the side of his mouth as he concentrated on his work. Around him, nurses and doctors attended to him. One of them noticed that Older-Art’s eyes were open.

  “The patient is awake,” said the random nurse in the purple shirt.

  “Then somebody increase the anesthesia!” shouted the man bent over Older-Art’s midsection. Older-Art could not remember the man’s name.

  And then the recognition hit him. The man bent over his midsection was Randy the Saw, Chief Medical Officer aboard the B.T.S. Unicorn Husker. Nobody aboard the Husker really understood why Randy was Chief Medical Officer, since everybody tried to avoid his
services at all costs—sometimes they waited in line for days despite heavy injuries to see any other medical officer. He was the reason so many Purple Shirts who were injured during missions had amputated limbs. Randy the Saw was a doctor from Earth 65,656, a world ruled by a feudal society permanently stuck in medieval times. He heavily favored leeching and amputating limbs in order to prevent the spread of bad humors.

  “No!” screamed Older-Art. “Get me another doct-”

  But the nurse reached over and increased the anesthesia, and everything went black.

  *

  Older-Art opened his eyes. The room was bright. His mouth was dry. He felt immense pressure in his torso, like he had not gone to the bathroom in several days. He looked down. He was covered in a clean white sheet. The doctor and nurses were all gone. He sighed in relief. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

  He awoke when he heard footsteps approaching. The footsteps were nearly drowned out by the sound of a familiar roaring engine. Older-Art smiled. The people who cared most about him must be here to check on him.

  Older-Art opened his eyes and glanced toward the entrance of the small hospital room that he occupied. His heart skipped a beat. Randy the Saw was standing there, which meant that Older-Art’s memory of the man crouched over his body had not been some sort of weird fever dream. Behind Randy the Saw stood Ginny and Drillbot. An overlarge squash with gigantic antennae poking from its top sat nestled in the crook of Drillbot’s arm. Drillbot waved one drill at Older-Art like an overexcited child.

  “Hey, everybody,” said Older-Art.

  Randy the Saw strode forward. He held out his hand to shake Older-Art’s. “I don’t think we’ve officially met. Name’s Doctor Randy. Some call me Randy the Saw. But I just prefer Doctor Randy. I’m the Chief Medical Officer on the Husker.”