by C. K. Martin
In hindsight, what the hell did Jo even see in her anyway? She’d been nothing but a bitch to her right from the start.
She started it, a childish voice whispered in her head before she shut it down.
This kiss had been nice. More than nice. It was amazing. Jo had slowly won her round, with the way she looked after her own dad and the way she had been with Emily. So why on earth had she run away so fast Jo couldn’t even give her a reason to stay?
She knew why of course, even though it was unfair to blame the little bundle of Christmas energy lying asleep across the hallway from her. Emily had been her sole purpose for living for so long, that a single kiss would never be enough to change that. It was true that the two of them had settled into an easy routine now, that they loved and cared for each other deeply. But the road ahead was paved with a lifetime of challenges and that meant she would continue to put Emily first for the next few years.
She wasn’t stupid. She might not have many close friends, but she had watched her acquaintances in the village move through their grown-up lives. Loving, marrying, divorcing. Moving on to a new relationship was always a challenge when there were already children involved. Emily wasn’t even her own child, although it hurt her to think of it like that. She loved her as if she was, but how could she expect Jo to take on that responsibility? She had no idea what it would be like. She’d only seen Emily on her good days, when her bright and sunny disposition was enough to light up a room. She hadn’t been there through the pain, the tears. The harrowing sense of loss that sometimes still came to her after a bad dream. Yes, the road ahead was rocky and she wasn’t naive enough to think someone like Jo would want to take that on. Who in their right mind would?
Was that nothing more than an excuse? It almost sounded like one. She couldn’t deny she was afraid, but that had nothing to do with the fact she was just trying to be a grown-up. Right?
With a groan, she threw back the covers and got out of bed. She crossed the hallway, walking on tiptoes in just her socks to eliminate as much noise as possible. It had been another late night for Emily and they were all going to catch up with her sooner or later. There was no point adding to the exhaustion by waking her up in the middle of the night.
Despite her reservations, she couldn’t help but look in on her as she walked by. In the light, she could see she was sprawled out in the centre of the bed, looking like a sleeping angel. Kayleigh never knew it was possible to feel this much love for another human being, but somehow, she did. Both legs tucked away under the duvet, it was possible to imagine that Emily had lived an innocent and idyllic childhood up until this point, rather than the one she would always have as the foundation to her existence.
Kayleigh shut the door softly and made her way down the stairs. In the kitchen, she turned on the light and made herself a cup of tea. The cottage was already cooling, despite having put the heating on extra late to welcome them when they returned home after the busy evening. By then, Emily had already been asleep in her wheelchair for some time. It had made it easier for Kayleigh to tidy up the store around her before heading back.
As she sat, brooding over her actions, she looked at the stack of papers in front of her. Just a few days ago, those same ones were enough to reduce her to a sweeping vortex of black misery. Now, at the thought of Maddy and her rescue, thanks to Jo and her endearing knight in shining armour routine, she realised they instead offered her a new bright spot in her life.
Perhaps they could just be friends? No, that was a terrible idea. You don’t share a kiss with someone like that and then just act like it never happened. She might not have much experience with relationships in general and women in particular, but she was fairly certain it didn’t work that way. Jo wanted more from her than that, even if she couldn’t quite yet bring herself to imagine just what that was.
Whatever it was that she was avoiding, she knew it didn’t sit well with the fact she had a secure thing going here. Boring. Responsible. Full of grown-up decisions. She’d seen the way Jo and Maddy had been with each other. She knew now that Jo was a few years younger than she was. That late twenties age when you should be enjoying yourself, not planning trips to the consultant for prosthesis measurements. The constant cajoling of wheelchairs and walking sticks. She was already doing that at the other end of the spectrum, so why the hell would she double up the responsibility and take it on here too?
As she sipped on her tea, she tried her best to ignore the fact that these were all her arguments, not Jo’s. When she had walked into the shop that first time, she hadn’t had a clue about Kayleigh’s life, she was sure of that. But by the second time she had been in the store — and then almost unceremoniously thrown out of it afterwards — she knew all about Emily and her role in Kayleigh’s life. That hadn’t stopped her from continuing to help, to try and make things better for them, even when she had no real reason to do so. Even when it might cost her the job that she so badly needed. Those weren’t small things. Nor were they ones taken blindly and without the knowledge of what it would mean if things ever got this far.
The memory of that kiss came back to her and she allowed herself to replay it in her mind. It had been perfect. Romantic. Romance was not a word she had come to associate with her life. Not for the first time, she wished Debra was here to talk to. She looked up at the picture on the wall. Her sister, smiling with Jack, never answered and never would. Over the years she had asked her so many questions about what she should do. They were always questions about Emily. Or the shop. Questions that she already knew the answer to, somewhere deep inside. This was different.
Debra would not have wanted her to spend her life alone. That much she knew. But it was easy to make those kinds of pronouncements when it was just your sister’s happiness at stake. Not when it directly impacted the life of your daughter.
Emily had somehow already become attached to Jo. Even more so to Herbert. What would happen if the two of them got together and it didn’t work out? How would she even explain the getting together, let alone the breakup? Hadn’t Emily already been through so much? Having her world turned upside down as another adult she loved left her behind forever was far too much for Kayleigh to ever risk.
Emily had to come first. She drained her cup. The decision had been made, even if it hurt her to do so. She would explain it all to Jo, rationally and calmly, when she next saw her.
If she saw her, she thought, as she loaded the empty cup into the dishwasher. The way she had disappeared after the kiss, she wouldn’t be surprised if Jo had got the message loud and clear. The business with the council over, she had no reason to see her again. Kayleigh wouldn’t blame her if she just cut her losses and moved on, like any sensible person would.
She turned off the light and began to make her way back up to bed. As she did so, she looked around the room and saw the picture of her sister once again. For the first time, a mirage in the darkness, the face in the frame seemed to tell her she was doing the wrong thing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Jo had left for work early that morning. She had no desire whatsoever to be there, but the decrepit building with its old windows and shoddy internet seemed to suit her mood more than home. It also didn’t have her father, who had been willing at breakfast to pick up his questioning more or less exactly where he had left off the night before.
He had still been talking to his old cricket friend when she had walked back after the kiss. Unlike when she had left, he wasn’t absorbed enough in the conversation not to notice her. From across the room, before she even reached him, his eyes met hers and she saw the concern flash across his face.
That had, somehow, been all the response she needed to know she must be looking as bad as she felt. Which, in that moment, was pretty bloody awful.
It had been a risk, she knew that. But she hadn’t expected to blow it quite so badly. The memory of Kayleigh looking horrified by what they had done had continued to flash through her mind for the remainder of the evening and a
good chunk of the night too. Sleep had been elusive and whenever it seemed she was about to drop off, seeing Kayleigh put her hand to her mouth in shock and shame before doing her best impression of an Olympic sprinter woke her right back up again.
They’d managed to avoid each other for the rest of the evening. Jo wasn’t sure just who was avoiding who at that point, but her father had acquiesced without too much pushing when she suggested they leave early to beat the worst of the traffic out of the car park. She felt guilty for the insinuation that it was because of his wheelchair that added to their burden, but if he saw through it or was offended by it, then he let it slide.
Until they were in the car. There, sealed away from the rest of the world while the old fans blew cold air on them as she attempted to defrost the windows, his questions began in earnest. It was bad enough that the kiss had gone so badly wrong. She didn’t need to describe the debacle to her own father. He didn’t need to think about her kissing people. So she studiously avoided his questions, his concerns, and just told him that whatever they both hoped might happen definitely had not. Nor was it ever likely to.
She made herself a cup of terrible office coffee and sat down at her desk. She’d had plenty of failed seduction attempts, but this one was by far the worst. Perhaps being sober was where she had gone wrong? All her other completely obtainable crushes tended to go up in flames after a night of too much booze, usually egged on by Maddy.
That was it. She picked up her phone, took a sip of coffee and winced, then selected the number from her favourites list. Maddy picked up after a couple of rings. ‘Can you talk?’ Jo asked.
‘Unless something has changed dramatically with my mouth since I last checked. Nope, they were definitely words. I can still talk. I appreciate your concern.’
‘Quit being a smart ass.’
‘What do you expect me to do? I’m on site, it’s pissing it down like God’s got a bladder problem and you’re ringing me up to gloat. I can barely move after the other day.’
‘Why would I be ringing you up to gloat?’
‘Wasn’t it the charity thingy last night? Did you put the twenty in the box from me like I asked you to?’
‘I did.’ Jo had put it in alongside a couple for herself and her father, even though she knew that Maddy wouldn’t remember to pay up the next time they met. ‘But why would I be gloating about that?’
‘Well, I assume it all went off without a hitch thanks to my stunning repair work with the electrics, the whole village turned up, it was a fantastic success, Kayleigh looked into your eyes in wonder and gratitude and you both get to live happily ever after. I, on the other hand, ended up on the worst date ever last night and I’m not sure my knee will ever be the same again.’
‘What did you do to your knee?’
‘Are you sure you want to know? Because no amount of brain bleach will get the image out of your head once I tell you.’
‘On second thoughts then, maybe not. Anyway, you’re wrong about last night.’
‘Shit, did something happen? It wasn’t the electrics was it? I swear I did a good job. I mean, I know it was a little bit rushed, but I didn’t cut any corners.’
‘The electrics were fine. You saved the day.’
‘Thank god for that. Then what was it? Nobody turned up? Old buggers too tight to part with their hard-earned cash to help the tiny kids?’
‘No, you were right about the rest of it. All up until the happily ever after part. I stuffed it up.’
‘How on earth did you stuff it up? After I went to the trouble of saving your ass.’
‘I don’t know. I thought that we were on the same page. After what Rob had said, I thought that she might be into me. But perhaps I got it wrong. Perhaps he meant something else entirely and I ended up kissing a straight woman.’
‘Wouldn’t be the first time.’
‘Not helpful.’
‘Scaring off straight women is practically your MO. But chill, I saw her. She was definitely into you.’
‘After everything you’ve talked me into over the years, do you really expect me to trust your judgement?’
‘I may have made one or two errors in the past. Oh hold on,’ Maddy stopped talking and the sound of a drill whirring made Jo snatch the phone away from her ear. ‘Sorry about that. Realised I hadn’t made any noise in the past five minutes. The boss is on the warpath today.’
‘I’m sorry, you should go.’
‘Sod that, he arrived late and we ended up getting soaked waiting for him when he realised he forgot the key. Bit too much Christmas cheer last night if you ask me. Anyway, I saw the way she looked at you. I caught her looking a couple of times when she didn’t think anyone would notice. Once you’d finished destroying her Christmas, I think she started to like you a bit more. There was chemistry.’
‘Chemistry? Fat chance.’
‘What happened? I swear, Rob was telling you the right thing. So it must have been something else you did wrong. Maybe you just took her by surprise or something. It was meant to be a big night for her.’
‘We were trying to talk but it was noisy. So we went to the back of the store. You know, behind that monstrosity of a Christmas tree.’
‘Oooh, cosy. Smooth move.’
‘That was her move, not mine. But we were there and she apologised for being so mad at me when I was just doing my job. I thought we’d buried the hatchet. God Mads, she was so close to me I think I just lost my brain for a second. I looked up and there was some mistletoe above and I just thought what the hell. So I kissed her.’
‘Then what’s the problem? This is the stuff of Hollywood blockbusters. If Hollywood ever remembered that lesbians exist for any purpose other than to act as an attraction to the male gaze.’
‘Now’s not the time to get political. I need you to fix my love life, not take on the establishment.’
‘What do you want me to say? It sounds like you did exactly what I would have done. Which is usually the right thing. Excluding last night, obviously. That was a big mistake.’
‘If it was the right thing then why did she look horrified and run away?’
‘Oh. That doesn’t sound good. What did she say?’
‘That it was a mistake that shouldn’t have happened.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Did you kiss her in a normal way? Or did you do something weird? Because if you did something weird…’
‘I don’t even know what that means. Of course it was normal. I kissed her. She didn’t pull away. In fact, I swear she was the one who pulled me into her, not the other way around. Then she did a complete one-eighty and ran for her life. We didn’t speak again for the rest of the evening.’
‘That sounds like more than just a problem with the kiss. Are you sure that was all it was?’
‘What else could it be?’
‘I don’t know.’ Maddy paused and Jo could practically hear her thinking in the background. The drill sounded again, but whether she was actually fixing something or if it was for effect, Jo couldn’t tell. ‘You know, when I got there the other morning, she was pretty messed up.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I know it was early and believe me, we both looked like we needed the caffeine, but she seemed really upset. Puffy eyes, tired face, the works. Like she’d spent the night crying. I don’t know, but I got the feeling it was about more than just the Christmas display. It was obvious she cared about that a whole lot too, but I got the feeling there was more going on. That it wasn’t the only thing she had on her mind right then.’
‘Perhaps there was something wrong with Emily?’
‘Perhaps. I don’t know. All I’m saying is that maybe you kissing her was just the final straw.’
‘That may be the least flattering thing you’ve ever said to me. And the competition is pretty stiff.’
‘I’m not saying kissing you causes women to have a nervous breakdown. I wouldn’t necessary rule it out either, but I�
��ll give you a free pass on it this time. I just meant that if she’s got all that other stuff going on, then kissing you might have been too much for her to handle right at that moment. From everything you’ve said, she’s spinning a lot of plates whilst being a saint. That’s got to take its toll sooner or later.’
‘I suppose you could be right.’ Jo felt the glimmer of hope start to appear. It wasn’t much and Maddy might not even be right, but it was better than anything she’d been able to come up with alone in the darkness. ‘But what do I do now?’
‘Go see her, dumbass.’
‘The last thing she wants is to see me. If she wanted to see me then she would have stayed around last night.’
‘She had plenty of other things to do last night other than worry about your ego. You need to go and see her. Not at the shop in the middle of the day when she’s too busy. Give her an excuse and she’ll take it. You know what women are like. Plus she’s clearly way smarter than you, so it won’t take much to pull the wool over your eyes.’
‘Are you done with the insults for today yet?’
‘I’m not sure. We’ll see how it goes. Anyway, drop by the shop at the end of the day. Or perhaps you can go to her house. You can get her home address from your computer, right?’
‘I think that’s considered a criminal breach of the data protection act.’
‘Your love life is on the line. The ends justify the means. Or you could just ask someone. Whatever. But get her when she won’t have a readymade reason to escape.’
‘And what am I supposed to do when I corner her like a crazed and jilted stalker?’
‘Jeez, do I need to do everything for you? How have you got to twenty-seven and not learnt a single thing about women?’
‘This is the first decent one I’ve got to that you haven’t ruined first,’ Jo shot back. ‘Cut me some slack.’