by C. K. Martin
‘And there she is. I was starting to worry I’d lost you this morning. Think about it. She’s been through hell. Literally. Can you imagine going through something like that? I sure can’t. To top it all off, she’s got the kid to look after and it seems like the two of them have come through the other side of it all. That kid is in a good place and you know that’s just because of whatever Kayleigh has done for her. You can’t just expect to kiss her and suddenly become the centre of her world.’
‘I didn’t want to be the centre of her world. I just didn’t want her to freak out.’
‘Tell her that. You have to let her know that you’re really into her. That this isn’t just going to be a short fling. Hey, it’s not is it? Because if it is, then don’t go there. You know me, I’m all for a bit of fun, but now I’ve met her, that’s not going to be what she needs. Don’t go breaking her heart.’
‘I’ve never broken anyone’s heart. I wouldn’t know how. And no, it’s not just some one night stand I’m after. I really like her. Emily too.’
‘That’s what you’ve got to make her believe then. That if she goes on a date with you, if it turns into something more, then you’re not going to mess that up.’
‘Am I crazy?’
‘Well I wouldn’t want to take on someone else’s family, but you’re less selfish than I am. You know that whatever happens it won’t be easy, right?’
‘I know.’
‘But you think it’s worth it?’
‘I really do.’
‘Then that’s what you have to tell her, not me. Damn, I really have to go.’
‘Okay. And thanks.’
‘No worries. Let me know how it goes. And remember, don’t stuff it up this time. Later.’ The line went dead and Jo put the phone down. The remains of her coffee had already gone cold, something that didn’t do anything to improve the taste.
It didn’t matter. Last night she had been in the depths of despair, but now it seemed like there might be a logical explanation after all.
Knowing the problem might be more than just the fact she was a terrible kisser cheered her up, but that didn’t mean what to do next was going to be quite as straightforward as Maddy made it sound. She’d tried to convince plenty of women to have a second date with her, but none of them had as much to lose as Kayleigh. In truth, Jo wasn’t sure she had anything she could offer her that would entice her away from the life she had built for herself over the past three years. She was gainfully employed, but that was about it. And so far, that employment hadn’t exactly been the thing that smoothed the path for them. Kayleigh had her own business, a child, and the venerable position as village guardian angel. Jo felt like an amateur at adulting in comparison.
She wiggled the mouse to bring the computer back to life and pulled up the screen to check for Kayleigh’s home address. Just in time, she stopped herself. No, if she was going to do this, then she was going to do things right. Breaking the law was not the way to convince someone that you were genuine and to be trusted.
The end of the day seemed a long time away. If she managed to get any work done it would be a miracle. At least it gave her time to really think about what she was going to say. If she could get to the bookstore just before closing time, then she would have to convince Kayleigh to let her stay once the other customers were gone and the door was locked.
She twiddled a pencil between her fingers. If she could get her to do that, then there was a chance that Kayleigh would be willing to listen. As long as she made sense and didn’t say the wrong thing, then there was a hope she would be able to convince her after all.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
With the stress of the charity night behind her, Kayleigh felt more relaxed than she had done since the beginning of December. As soon as the first day of that month rolled around, everything built up to boiling point. The anniversary, the charity fundraiser, the end of term chaos that Emily bought with her. Christmas day itself came with specific challenges, but the bulk of the stress came from the other events. With the added nightmare of getting the shop brought up to code at the very last minute this year, it was no wonder she felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
As long as she kept the memory of the previous night’s kiss from her mind, she could just begin to relax.
As she rang another few books through the till and handed them over, she glanced up at the clock. 5:51. It was quiet on the high street as people walked, head down, keen to get home. The rain had eased off, leaving a faint fog lingering under the street lamps. The depths of winter were upon them, but inside the shop it felt warm and safe. Only a handful of customers remained and none of them seemed to be moving with any sense of urgency.
Her back ached from the cleanup operation. By the time she had opened that morning, all the tables had been moved to their proper positions and refilled with books. It was hard to believe that so many people had fit in amongst them the previous evening, but there were no traces of them now. Only the Christmas tree remained as a reminder and she was resolutely not looking at it.
She knew that she should enjoy it instead of letting it be a reminder of Jo and her soft lips. It was one of the main contributors to creating the delightful ‘night before Christmas’ atmosphere, so distinctly pleasant in comparison to the last-minute shopping mania of the main mall out of town. This was what her father and grandfather had always wanted their shop to be and the proud tradition she had vowed to continue. She rolled her shoulders, determined to enjoy every second of it if it killed her.
The bell above the door tinkled and she looked up, prepared to tell whoever it was that they were closing in just a few minutes, so unless they knew exactly what they were looking for then she was afraid they would have to leave. The words dried up on her lips when she saw Jo standing there, two gifts in her hands. She opened her mouth to say something — anything — but no words came out.
‘Aunty Webby, it’s Jo,’ Emily pointed out helpfully.
‘I can see that.’
‘She doesn’t have much time left to buy a book.’ Emily’s tone was completely serious. She hadn’t got to grips fully with understanding a clock, but she knew that when one hand pointed right up and the other pointed right down, then it was time for the shop to close.
‘I’m not sure she’s here to buy a book,’ Kayleigh murmured, her chance to send her away already past. She was inside and the door was closed behind her. She pushed the confusing rush of emotions aside. It didn’t help that Jo was once again dressed in the casual clothes of outside the office, rather than her official looking council suit and coat. To top it off, a Santa hat was positioned on her head at what could only be described as a jaunty angle, making her look doubly cute. If she’d been dressed like that the first time she had walked through the door, Kayleigh would have made an effort to make sure she got a very special kind of customer service.
She pushed the thought rapidly from her head, her mind playing for the first time exactly what that might look like and feeling wholly inappropriate for doing so. A blush spread across her cheeks, she knew it. The whole room had suddenly become very hot. ‘That’s it folks,’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘We’re closing up for Christmas.’
‘You have to come to the till now.’ Emily waved frantically at the few customers who had books in their hands. ‘It’s the rules.’
Even the stony faced teenager at the back of the room broke into a smile at Emily’s over-serious sales approach. He joined the other few people in line as Kayleigh processed their sales with a practiced ease. The years of routine served her well, because her mind was most certainly not on the task in hand. Instead, it scrambled for all the reasons why she should tell Jo to leave with the rest of them. There seemed no way to do it without upsetting Emily — or making her ask a thousand questions at least — so with each customer she served, she felt a moment of truth looming down upon her.
When the last person took their bags, only Jo remained. She had been speaking to Emily, the two of them discus
sing something in hushed voices that Kayleigh couldn’t quite make out, but she suspected might have something to do with the presents in her hand.
‘Can we talk?’ Jo asked, when she realised that everyone else was gone.
‘Sure.’ Kayleigh forced herself to sound casual, despite the churning in her stomach. ‘I just need to lock up and then I’ll be right back.’
‘Take all the time you need.’
Those words seemed to be a lifeline and Kayleigh had no shame in using it. She took extra care in locking the door, taking the time to slowly turn the sign over to let everyone know they were closed, and pulling down the blind with excruciating care. In those precious extra seconds, she tried to work out what she could say to let Jo down more gently than she had done the night before.
She wasn’t exactly proud of her disappearing act. In hindsight, it wasn’t the most grown-up thing she could have done. If Jo was getting impatient, she showed no signs of it. By the time Kayleigh got back to the sales desk, Jo was sitting on the floor next to Emily, looking so at home it almost broke her heart.
‘Hi,’ she said softly, making Jo look up. It was as close to a peace offering she could give.
‘Hi.’
‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas to you too. I brought you both a gift. It’s nothing big. I thought we might be able to talk.’
‘I have to finish up here first. Is that okay?’
‘I can help you if you want? We can walk and talk at the same time.’
‘Sure.’ Kayleigh swallowed nervously. It wasn’t ideal, but at least it would give her something to do with her hands. She had no idea what Jo was going to say, or if she was even ready to hear it, but now they were both here it seemed too late to turn her away. ‘Emily, do you need anything? Or can you play here while we get everything finished? We won’t be long, I promise.’
‘I can stay here.’ Emily gave her most innocent smile, but Kayleigh could see right through it. The present from Jo remained wrapped at her side, but that wouldn’t stop her from squeezing and feeling once they were gone to try to guess what it was.
‘No opening.’
‘I won’t.’
‘Not even a corner. Promise?’
‘I promise.’
‘Good girl.’ Kayleigh moved away from the counter and she heard Jo get up from the floor behind her.
‘What do you need me to do?’
‘I have to turn all the Christmas lights off and pull the tables in away from the doorway. Over Christmas I tend to pull the blinds in the windows a third of the way closed, but not all the way down. Then we have to count the takings and put them upstairs in the safe. I hate to do it, but I never make it to the bank in time for the last day.’
‘But it’s not all in there, is it?’
‘No. I took most of it mid-afternoon so I could see Rob before he finished for the day.’
‘Did you tell him about last night?’
‘No.’ She had wanted to. Really wanted to. But talking about it would make it real. She got the feeling he would also have told her off for being so foolish and she hadn’t been quite ready to hear that yet. No one should have to defend themselves on Christmas Eve against charges of romantic stupidity.
‘Oh.’
‘I needed some time. To think.’
‘And what have you come up with?’ Jo took the other end of the table and lifted it with her. Between them they carried it backwards a few feet, out of the immediate path from the doorway.
‘I’m not sure.’ The silence stretched out again as they moved the second table. It still felt too close to Emily’s careful ears to be having a deep and meaningful grown-up discussion. She indicated they should move to the far corner of the room to begin unplugging the lights. It wasn’t exactly a two man job, but she had a feeling that had nothing to do with why Jo was helping.
‘I hope you don’t mind that I brought her a gift?’
‘No. Not at all. That was very sweet of you.’
‘I kept the receipt. In case it was something you’d already brought.’
‘Don’t you mean Santa?’ Kayleigh gave her a grin, even though they were now out of earshot. ‘What did you get her anyway?’
‘An action figure. One of the new superhero ones. She seemed so taken with the idea of my dad being a superhero in his wheelchair, I thought it might be nice for her to see girls could be superheroes too. No matter what.’
‘That’s very thoughtful of you.’ Kayleigh felt a lump in her throat. A gift from a woman who was clearly trying to convince her that they should date was hardly a surprise. But the thought behind it was something else.
‘She’s a good kid. You’ve done a great job with her.’
‘That’s all her, not me. She’s tough.’
‘Don’t sell yourself short. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you in the circumstances. You’ve given her the best start she can, despite a pretty rubbish situation. I think your sister would be proud of you.’
‘Thank you.’ Kayleigh bent down to unplug another set of lights, using the distraction to brush away a stray tear that had fallen. People said that to her all the time, but it was nothing more than a platitude in most instances. Words from people who had never known her sister and didn’t know what else to say. She knew they always meant to be kind, but most of the time it sounded hollow. Jo sounded sincere. The words both elated and wounded at the same time. ‘She means everything to me.’
‘I know. Despite what you might think, I understand that.’
‘You might believe that you do, but you’ve only seen us together a couple of times. Here. When everything is okay. We’re a package deal and that comes with as much bad as it does good.’
‘No kid is perfect all the time. I might not have much experience with them, but I do know that much.’
‘Emily has additional challenges on top of just being over-tired sometimes. They’re not going to disappear.’
‘Emily is strong. Not to mention brave. Look at her. Really look at her. I’ve never known a kid with such a sense of themselves and their independence. She’s like that because you allowed her to be. You’ve given her the courage and confidence to be whoever she wants to be. It’s not some stupid toy that will make her believe she can be a superhero. It’s the lessons that you’ve taught her that will make her believe that.’
‘I’m not sure how it would even work with someone else.’ Kayleigh looked up and for the first time, stared directly into Jo’s eyes. She had to let her know that she wasn’t just being afraid. Over-cautious. These were very real problems. The woman standing in front of her didn’t flinch or look away. Instead, Kayleigh found a hand slipping into hers.
‘I have no idea either. I’m not going to make any promises about the future. How can I? We hardly got off to the best start. One kiss and you ran for the hills,’ Jo smiled to take some of the sting out of her words. ‘So I won’t say anything just because I think it would convince you. I know that if we let whatever this is between us become something more, then there will be some tough times ahead. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m willing to try.’
‘I’m not sure that’s enough. The store and Emily take up all of my time. Not to mention energy. Once she goes to sleep I practically collapse each night. I have no idea how to date around that. Those things can’t change. Emily can’t come second to anything or anyone else.’
‘I’m not asking you to. But you can’t wait until she turns eighteen before you allow yourself to start seeing anyone. Have you even been on a single date since…’ she trailed off, but she didn’t have to specify when.
‘Since the accident? No. There hadn’t been many before the accident either. I’m not very good at the relationship thing. You’re probably better off just walking away now.’
‘I don’t want to do that. Deep down, I don’t think you want me to either.’
‘I have too many responsibilities.’ Kayleigh could feel the argument begin
ning to weaken under Jo’s gaze.
‘I never knew your sister, well, apart from one dinner hall incident I’ll tell you about sometime, but I don’t think she’d want you to have no life at all. She’d be so proud of you for looking after her child in the way you have. You’ve devoted your life to Emily. But I don’t think she’d want you to have no happiness of your own. Do you?’
‘I don’t know.’ The tears began to fall and this time she didn’t even make a pretence at stopping them.
‘I think you do. Did she know you liked women?’
‘Of course. We told each other everything. She was my best friend as much as she was my sister.’
‘Do you think she would have approved of you bringing her daughter up if you were in a relationship with another woman?’
‘I don’t think it would have bothered her as long as Emily was looked after.’
‘So that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. And if you know that much, then you also know the answer to the question of whether or not she would want you to be happy with someone.’ Jo reached up and wiped the tears away.
‘Damn you.’ There was no malice in her voice. She had no idea how Jo had used her own word logic to work against her until she had no arguments left, but somehow she had.
With her fears shot down around her, she knew it left only two questions. Did she actually want to date a woman who had spent the majority of the time they had known each other infuriating the hell out of her? Jo gave her another smile of encouragement and she felt her stomach do a small flip. She did. It was terrifying to consider that another kiss like the one they had shared the previous evening might happen again so soon.
But there was still question number two. Regardless of whether or not she wanted to try, Emily got final refusal.
‘So how about it?’ Jo asked, sensing she was on the brink of something. Kayleigh checked her watch. They really need to get a move on. Emily wouldn’t continue to play quietly for much longer.
‘Do you have any plans? I know it’s Christmas Eve and you’ve probably already got something sorted but—’