“She’s having some pains in her abdomen,” Joan explained calmly. “I think we should go to the hospital, just to make sure it’s nothing.”
Jason’s face screwed up in alarm. His eyes flashed with emotion and he stared at Amanda helplessly. Seeing him like that, a man normally so brave, so in control, so hard with everyone but her, made her fear even worse.
“Can you help me undress first? I mean, the jacket and snow pants. I don’t want to go with all this clothing on. I have to get my purse from the bedroom too.”
“Of course.”
As soon as she asked, Jason’s hand flew over her. He unzipped her jacket and slid it from her shoulders. He pulled off her toque and then unzipped her snow pants. He steadied her while she kicked off her boots. Hands still shaking, Amanda pushed her snow pants down.
She and Jason both froze at the same time. They both saw the red staining her jeans at the same exact second.
“Holy fucking Christ,” Jason breathed.
His eyes flew to her face and she nearly blacked out when she saw the sheer, utter terror in those blue orbs. She’d never known Jason to be afraid of anything before, but he was afraid of this.
“Get me to the hospital,” Amanda demanded hoarsely, her voice barely recognizable as her own. She could literally taste her own fear in the air around her. “We are not losing this baby.”
Chapter 13
Relief
Their little sweet cabin in the clearing with the smoke drifting up from the chimney, the silent, solitary woods surrounding it, even the long drive, always climbing up, the air temperature growing colder as night closed in around them; it all felt so right and good and true.
“It’s good to be home,” Amanda whispered from the front seat.
Jason glanced over at her, the woman he loved most in the world. She meant everything to him. That child in her belly meant everything.
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“The lights are off in your mom’s cabin.”
“Yes. It’s late. I told her to go to bed when I called her from the hospital to let her know that everything was fine.”
A profound sense of relief, no less than what he’d felt when the doctor told him and Amanda that everything was fine, swept through Jason once again. He gripped the wheel a little tighter, maneuvering the truck to the driveway’s edge. He’d wept, when they got the results of the ultrasound and found out that the baby was still well and everything looked like it should. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually cried like that. Not ever, as far as he remembered.
He killed the ignition and turned to Amanda. “Do you need help getting out of the truck?”
She looked a little unsure, her face still paler than normal. She tried to force a brave smile but it looked as watery as his insides felt. “No. It’s okay. I’m not going to break.”
“Okay.”
He wasn’t completely sure that was true. If something had been wrong, if they’d lost their child, he knew that it would be hard to pick up the pieces.
Once they were safely in the cabin, Jason stoked the fire in the stove, adding a couple larger logs to hold them through the night. He noticed that Joan had been in the cabin. She had added wood after they left. Amanda had urged her to stay behind because she didn’t want her mother to be there if the worst happened. Oddly enough, Jason understood. He got her urge to protect her loved ones, to spare her mother the worst of it, to keep her heart from breaking.
He turned at Amanda’s quiet footfalls. She entered the kitchen and just stood there, still looking as lost and dazed as a small child might. Her normally shining eyes appeared almost glassed over.
“Are you hungry?”
She slowly shook her head. “No. Are you?”
“No.” He knew he should urge her to eat, for the baby’s sake, but he couldn’t quite summon up the will to get the words out. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“Yah. That sounds like an excellent idea.”
He crossed the kitchen and gently guided Amanda down the hall to their room. The feeling of warmth and comfort he had when he spotted their things, their bed, his old patchwork quilt, his beat up antique dresser, everything that was familiar, the memories contained in that room, his heart skipped a beat. He felt a little lighter just for being back there. Just for the fact that they were home and everything was going to be okay.
Or at least he hoped so. At least for the moment, they still had hope.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Amanda’s tone was gentle, her words barely more than a breath. She turned to face him. The sorrow and fear in her eyes was unmistakable. “I know that from now on we’re going to walk on egg shells. I know that even though the doctor said nothing was wrong, that the ultrasound was normal, that even though the baby is okay and I was randomly bleeding a little and having pains that went away, I’m always going to fear the worst now.”
Jason sighed. His shoulders heaved with the movement. “I know. I… Amanda, I know.”
He set a hand on her shoulder, so small and dainty and fragile. She reached up and placed her little hand on his. “I just want you to hold me.”
He understood that too. He made quick work of their clothes. He didn’t dare take another breath until Amanda was stretched out beside him, wrapped in his arms in their bed. Even though they were naked, he didn’t feel any of the usual desire. It was just enough to hold her in that moment, to reassure himself that she was still there. That they were both still there. Her and the baby.
“Jason? If something happened, if the worst happened, would we try for another?”
Amanda’s voice, small and lost hung in the air above them. Her question wrapped around Jason’s heart and squeezed tight, wringing it out.
“I would do whatever you wanted,” he finally responded. He made sure his voice didn’t waver. He was okay with letting her hear his emotion, but he didn’t want her to doubt him.
“Really?”
“Of course. I never saw myself as a parent before you got pregnant, but now that I know you are and we’ve had time to think about it, I’m happy. I want this baby. I want my son, but if something should happen, it’s not your fault. I know you want this baby just as much as I do, probably far worse. I would never blame you. I love you, Amanda and I want us to be happy. If you want a family, I would give that to you, even if it takes longer than we thought.”
“My mom is leaving soon. I… I kind of wish she was here. With me. She says she’ll come back though, when the baby is born.” She no longer sounded certain and Jason hated that with every fiber of his being.
“Hey,” his arm tightened around her shoulders protectively. “We were both in that room when the doctor said he couldn’t find a thing wrong. He told us not to worry. He said this can happen to some women. Your own mom said she had issues with bleeding on and off when she was pregnant and you turned out just fine. We both saw our son on the ultrasound. We watched his heart beat and we watched him move. Everything was fine. The bleeding wasn’t as much as it first looked like and it stopped by the time we even got to the hospital. You’re fine. You’re going to be fine and that baby is going to be born and he’s going to be strong and healthy and we are going to love the hell out of him.”
“And let me guess, he’ll turn into a teenager and not appreciate any of it until he’s well into his twenties, like me.”
“I’m sure you appreciated it, you just didn’t know how to show it.” Jason was glad for a brief moment of levity.
He didn’t tell Amanda that he never had the chance to know his parents. He didn’t tell her that he never had anyone to love him or love back. He never had a chance to hate or act out or be a normal teenager. He didn’t tell her any of it because she’d had more than enough sorrow for one night.
“I don’t know,” Amanda admitted. “I just know that I missed my mom and it was you that brought us back together. I’m always going to be thankful for that. You know that right?”
She wasn�
�t facing him. Her back was tucked in against his chest, but he knew her eyes were shining with tears from the huskiness of her voice.
“Of course. All I did was make the call that you eventually would have made. I just sped things up.”
“Thank you. At least if something had happened, my mom would have been here. She’s felt the baby move. For some reason, that would have meant something.”
Silence filled the room for a few long moments. Jason finally cleared the lump out of this throat so he could speak.
“I meant it when I said that whatever happens, we’ll get through it. You are my everything, Amanda. Even if we can’t have our own kids for some reason, which I think would be the worst, worst case scenario, there are other options. If you want a family, I mean it when I said I’ll give you one. I would give you the entire world if I could.”
Amanda’s shoulders heaved as she gave a little shuddery sob. “I know,” she whispered. “And I love you for it. I love you more now than I ever have. I know we haven’t been together long, but I feel like we have. I feel like we’ve been through something horrible and terrifying and come out on the other side and it changes you. I feel, oddly enough, more connected than I ever have.”
He couldn’t agree more. She nailed it right on the head. “I think it’s tough times that often draw people together or tear them apart.”
“I want us to be drawn together. Now and always.”
His free hand shifted from her hip to her stomach. It was still so flat. Amanda gave a little gasp. She pressed his hand into her warm belly.
“Did you feel that? No of course you probably can’t, but I just felt the baby move. It feels like a rubber band expanding, opening up and folding back in on itself. Fluttery, deep inside.”
“No, I can’t feel it, but I’m glad you can. I’m so glad.”
“Me too…” Amanda’s voice drifted off and silence, more comfortable than before, blanketed the room.
Jason closed his eyes. He tucked his face into the crook of Amanda’s neck and inhaled the sweet scent of her skin. God, he loved her. He loved her so much it hurt. He was almost afraid of the intensity of his feelings. He would have been before, but she was right, their connection was deeper, stronger, than it had ever been.
He was still afraid. That fear would linger with him for the rest of his life, but it wasn’t love he feared, it was loss.
Chapter 14
The Passing of Time
Amanda learned first-hand just how quickly the months could fly. Christmas came and went, the bitter cold of January and February gave way to the early warmth of spring. March was marginally better, but as the month edged towards April, the air was warmer, the sun hotter, the days longer.
At six months, her belly popped. It went from being flat to a little ridge. As the weeks crawled by, the baby grew and grew. Three weeks away from her due date, Amanda wondered if she could get any larger. She didn’t exactly feel as big as a house, but she was getting there.
She stood in their new, larger bedroom, the additions to the cabin having finally been completed just the week before, trying to do up the button on her jeans. She could barely see the damn thing, so it made hitting the hole difficult.
She was still wearing regular clothes, though she’d had to use the larger sizes she’d picked out all the months ago when they’d gone to the city for their first ultrasound.
“Where is my hair elastic?” Her voice lingered in the silent, empty room.
Amanda turned, searching for the black hair tie she had just used the night before. She was sure she’d put it on the edge of her dresser. She glanced around, not seeing it. Finally she thought to look down and sure enough there it was, right by the dresser’s leg.
“Testing me today, are we?” She nearly laughed at the fact that she was talking out loud, to her hair tie.
She bent slowly, using her knees as her waist no longer functioned properly. She could still see her feet, but everyday tasks like shaving her legs and putting on her shoes were getting harder and harder to accomplish.
Her fingers closed around the hair tie. “Gotcha.” She stood triumphantly, holding her prize between her fingers. She deftly slid the hair tie through the buttonhole of her jeans, made a loop and slipped the other end over the button. It gave her that extra inch in her waist band that she really needed right below her belly. She’d seen the trick on one of the baby forums she was a part of.
Now that she was dressed, Amanda tidied up the room. She made the bed. She’d woken alone, but then again, it was late. She had trouble falling asleep at night and staying asleep. She was never more thankful for their brand new bathroom and indoor plumbing. Having to pee eight times a night out in the cold outhouse would have been awful. As it was, she’d been spoiled for the past three months.
It turned out she didn’t even mind their composting toilet. Jason had been right. It wasn’t at all gross.
The sound of the front door opening and shutting firmly announced Jason’s arrival for a breakfast she hadn’t yet made.
“Amanda?”
“In here,” she responded. She left the clothes on the floor that she’d been about to pick up and walked quickly down the hall to the kitchen.
Jason was already putting the kettle on the stove and pulling out the cast iron frying pan. They now had a fridge, not just a hole cut into the floor to keep things cold, but he preferred the old wood stove. The truth was, she did too, and it kept the house warm and cozy even with the additions added on.
“How did you sleep?” Jason asked. He pulled the carton of eggs and the tub of margarine out of the fridge.
“Sorry. I should be making this. You’re always up so early, out doing things.”
“That’s alright. You’re already doing the most important job in the world.”
“What’s that? Lying in bed for half the morning?”
“Carrying our son.”
She grinned. “Yah, I know. I still feel bad though. The least I could do is get breakfast made before it’s almost lunch.”
“A little fasting never killed anyone. Gets the juices flowing so I’m good and hungry for brunch, or lunch if you don’t get up before noon.”
Amanda playfully swatted Jason’s shoulder. He nearly dropped the carton of eggs.
“Whoa there. The last thing I want is to have to cook us breakfast and clean up the kitchen.”
“I can do it, if you don’t think you can handle it.”
“Oh, I can handle it.” Jason rolled his eyes. “Just sit down. You look tired.”
“I feel okay.”
“You have dark circles under your eyes.”
Ever since the pregnancy scare where they thought they were losing the baby, Jason watched Amanda like a hawk. She watched herself just as closely. Though they lived a normal life, though they were happy, their optimism for the baby was carefully guarded. Some days she felt like the minute they placed her son into her arms would be the first moment she could actually believe he was well and whole and truly there. She knew that even through the birth, things could go wrong.
“Yah. Sorry. I was up all night. This kid was kicking the living tarnation out of me.”
“Don’t apologize. Sleep deprived or not, you’re still easily the most beautiful woman on the planet. I’m not going to lie, I could actually feel those kicks in my back so I can’t imagine how much worse it was from the inside out.”
“Oh my god.” Amanda giggled then slapped a hand over her mouth. “Most beautiful woman in the world.” She rolled her eyes. “I seriously doubt that at this point.”
“Don’t doubt it. Don’t ever doubt it.”
Jason’s eyes shone with the most beautiful sincerity and Amanda was especially touched. She didn’t know if she could have found her own self beautiful at the moment, but Jason’s love for her had never once wavered.
He went back to making breakfast, heating the frying pan, spreading margarine and cracking eggs into the pan. After that he actually got out the toas
ter and made a few slices of golden bread without burning them. The toaster wasn’t exactly his forte. He’d lived so long without modern conveniences he’d nearly forgotten how to use them.
“Did you call your mom? Did she say when she’s coming?”
“Yah. I did. She’s going to be here tomorrow. Probably in the afternoon. She said she had some news for me.”
“That’s good or bad?”
“I think good. She sounded excited.”
“What do you think it is?”
Amanda shrugged. “Honestly I think she’s going to sell the house. She’s been renting out the land for years, but I don’t think she wants to keep the place up all by herself. I think she wants to be closer now that she’s going to be a grandma.”
“That’s fine by me. I think we are going to be able to use all the help we can get.”
“Hey!” Amanda scrunched her nose up indignantly.
Jason set a plate of eggs and toast and a steaming mug of decaf coffee in front of her. His shoulders shook with silent mirth.
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that you keep giving me all this reading to do and the more I do, the more scared I am of everything that’s going to come. They say being a parent isn’t rocket science, but I’m not entirely sure that they’re right on that one.”
“I know.” Amanda dug into her scrambled eggs. “Oh wow. These are good. Nice and fluffy.”
“And you doubted my skill.”
“Never.”
Amanda waited until Jason was done with his breakfast before she broached the topic that had been on the forefront of her mind. She was almost afraid to ask, since it virtually meant the end of their privacy.
“So, if my mom did sell her place, would you be okay with her coming to live here? I mean, maybe not in the small cabin. I was thinking that since we have so much land, maybe we could build a second road that extends from the driveway and goes into the woods a ways and we could put a cabin there for her. Nothing big. I mean, like, away from us, but close enough that she could be helpful. That way she would have her privacy and so would we. I just… she can pay us, for the land and the cabin. She hasn’t asked me this, but I wanted to ask you first before I even considered talking to her about it. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe she isn’t even selling her place. I don’t even know yet.”
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