by Lea Coll
“It’s not,” Dad said more forcefully. “You’re doing the right thing going to New Orleans for that job. You were happy there.”
“I was but I’m not anymore. I want to come home. You can’t stop me.” I knew I sounded like an insolent teenager, but I wouldn’t be dissuaded. I knew what had happened and nothing he said would change my mind.
He shook his head. “We’re not done talking about this.”
I bit my lip. I was. My mind was made up and nothing they could say would change it. Gabe already spoke the truth even if no one else wanted to admit it: I’d selfishly left Caleb and tried to replace him with Zach. I was the worst sister. The worst person. I had my fun in New Orleans but now it was time to take care of my responsibilities. My parents were getting older and my brother was too large for them to handle. They couldn’t stop him from walking out the front door. But if me staying home kept my brother content and inside his house then I’d do it.
I always knew I’d be back. It was just a little sooner than I’d thought.
The doctor came out a few hours later to explain to say the surgery had been a success. The guilt of Caleb’s injuries was almost too much to bear. I stared at the tiled floor through tear-filled eyes trying to focus on just breathing: one breath in and one breath out. I’d survive this. I needed to get it together so I could be there for my family.
He was going to be in the hospital for a few days, so I made sure the house was stocked with food and my parents had everything they needed while they were going back and forth to the hospital. I also researched GPS tracking devices used for those with autism. I needed one with a locking mechanism he couldn’t remove and needed to make sure local responders would be familiar with whichever one we chose. The task kept me busy and Gabe off my mind.
He’d texted a few times asking to talk and if I was okay. Isaac must have told him about the phone call I got and assumed something was wrong with my brother, so I responded to say Caleb was going to be fine. But he hadn’t apologized for what he’d said to me that night.
I was going to miss Zach’s sixteenth birthday if I stayed, which didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to know if he was still in school—if anything had come of the family services investigation. I couldn’t talk to Gabe though. It was bad enough that what happened with Caleb was my fault. I couldn’t handle his accusations about Zach too.
I was drowning in guilt and shame and that overshadowed the fact that I loved and missed Gabe. I didn’t deserve him or Zach. I used them to escape from my issues at home. Gabe was right to remind me that I was selfish.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
TAYLOR
When Caleb came home a few days later, my Dad helped maneuver him to the couch.
“It’s good to have you home,” I said to Caleb as I sat next to him. I squeezed his hand and turned on the TV. When Dad left the room, I said, “You really scared me. Please don’t do that again.”
The doctors had said he understood us for the most part, but he wasn’t able to speak. When it came to asking him what he wanted to eat or watch on TV it was pretty easy to communicate with a squeeze of his hand but when it was something more complex I wasn’t sure.
I hoped he understood our fear and wouldn’t do it again. But if he didn’t, the GPS tracker that would arrive soon would provide peace of mind for me and my parents. After a few minutes, Caleb fell asleep, his head against the back of the couch.
I moved to the kitchen where my parents were speaking in hushed voices.
“Is he okay?” Mom asking, rising from her chair.
“Yeah, he’s asleep.” I sat across from her at the table.
Mom sank back into her chair. “Good, he’s probably exhausted from being in the hospital and traveling home.”
I’d taken initiative and purchased the tracker without talking to them. I wanted to help out and relieve some of the burden for my parents. I hoped they didn’t mind. “I researched GPS trackers while you were in the hospital.”
Dad raised his brow. “Good. I wanted to do that once we were home.”
“I hope it’s okay that I picked one out and ordered it. I made sure it had a locking mechanism and the EMTs here are familiar with it.”
“I trust you.”
I sighed in relief. I’d contemplated waiting for them to approve but I wanted the device sooner rather than later. Not only had the task kept my mind off of Gabe but it made me feel useful. There wasn’t much for me to do while he was in the hospital. “It would make me feel better if he wore one all of the time.”
“Yes, it’s a necessity at this point. I can’t worry about him wandering out of the house. I’ll never be able to relax or sleep,” Mom said.
“How are you holding up?” Dad asked.
I smiled but it felt fake. “Fine.” I tried to hide my feelings, but I wasn’t sure I was doing a good job. I felt close to tears all of the time and I was having trouble eating and sleeping. Guilt hung over me like a black cloud.
“You’re not.” Dad got up to pour coffee.
My jaw lifted. “I am. I’m just worried about Caleb.”
“He’s going to be fine. When are you planning on going back to work?” Dad asked.
“Dean’s fine with me taking some time off. He was able to get the defendant to agree to a plea deal in my trial so my calendar is clear.”
“He may be fine with it, but I don’t think it’s necessary for you to be here much longer.” Dad sat back down with his cup of coffee, eyes on me.
“I want to help you with Caleb.” At least until the GPS tracker arrived. If I stayed here, he wouldn’t walk out of the house alone again. It wasn’t a guarantee, but I couldn’t take the chance by leaving.
“We’re fine with Caleb. You have a job and a life in New Orleans. I don’t want you to lose your job.”
“You need me.”
“I know this has always been hard for you—having a disabled brother. Our attention, our focus has always been on him. You’ve always been our easy child—you never demanded much of us. I know you feel responsible for him but he’s our responsibility—not yours. We never asked you to stay here while you attended college and law school.”
I was grateful they didn’t pressure me, but the responsibility came from me. “I wanted to live here. It wasn’t a sacrifice.”
“Did you? Or did you feel like you had to? No matter how many times we told you to go out with your friends you’d always ask if we’d be okay here with Caleb first. I worried about you missing out on friends, opportunities.” His voice grew stronger as he spoke. “I did until you took that job in New Orleans. I was happy that you were finally going to live your life—the life you were meant to have.”
I shifted in my chair. “No, Dad. None of this is your fault.”
He studied me. “That’s it, isn’t it? You feel like Caleb getting hurt is your fault.”
Should I tell him the truth? What did it matter when it was so obvious? “It is. It wouldn’t have happened if I was here. When was the last time Caleb left home by himself?” He’d done it as a child and gotten so scared by the experience he stopped going anywhere without one of us.
“You think he’s doing it because he’s upset you’re gone?”
“Why else? What else has changed?” Caleb only spent time with us and only went to his doctor’s appointments and school. He only went places he was familiar and comfortable with.
“I don’t know why. I guess it’s possible, but it shouldn’t be an issue with the GPS tracker. You need to live your life. The life you built in New Orleans.”
The life I’d built crumbled. “Not anymore.” I had a job there but the thought of going back to my empty apartment and not being involved in Gabe and Zach’s lives anymore hurt too much. I couldn’t do it. That’s why I wanted to stay here and focus on Caleb. It allowed me to ignore the situation with Gabe. As much as I hated he didn’t trust me—that he’d jumped to conclusions—I didn’t want to think about the fact we were over.
“There’s some other reason you’re here and not there.”
“Nothing’s going on.” Should I tell him I was dating but we’d broken up? My parents would not want me making a decision about a job based on some guy.
Mom exchanged a pointed look with Dad. When he nodded, she said, “We worry that you feel responsible for Caleb and we want to tell you what we’ve decided.”
“What?” Were they going to kick me out? Tell me I wasn’t welcome here anymore?
“We’re getting older and taking care of Caleb is becoming more difficult.” She spoke carefully in a hushed voice like she didn’t want Caleb to overhear.
“That’s why I want to stay. I always planned on coming back. The job in New Orleans was temporary.” This is exactly what I’d been worried about. There’d come a time when my parents couldn’t do it anymore and I’d need to step up. I’d move back home to assist with whatever was needed. When my parents passed away, he would be my responsibility no matter what my parents said. I wouldn’t pass him off to someone else.
“We put him on a waitlist for state housing,” Dad said, his voice clear and strong.
“What?” Why would they institutionalize him? Caleb wasn’t violent like others with similar disabilities. I could keep him at home and safe. They didn’t need to send him away.
“It’s not bad,” Mom said. “He’d live in a group home with other adults. There’d be activities for him, services.”
“I can’t believe you’d just sign him over to the state.” I stood, my finger pointed at them. I’d never been more angry. Not even when Gabe had accused me of betraying him.
“He’s an adult. We’re not signing away rights. We can still visit and bring him home when we want.”
It would allow my parents to have a life. They deserved that but I hated it. I hated that this was the only option unless I stepped in. But the reality was I couldn’t care for him twenty-four seven either without quitting my job and foregoing a family. I wouldn’t raise children while taking care of Caleb too. I wouldn’t want them to feel like my attention was always on someone else. I knew exactly how that felt.
“He wouldn’t be a burden to you. You wouldn’t have to feel responsible,” Dad said.
“I don’t. He’s not a burden.” Even if it felt like that sometimes, how I could ever describe my brother as a burden? It was a betrayal to Caleb to admit it out loud.
“He is. That’s the reality. I’m not saying you don’t love him but he’s stopping you from living your life. Right now, you’re here instead of working your dream job,” Dad said.
It wasn’t my dream job but I didn’t say that. I wanted my parents to think I was happy.
Dad’s face was resolute. “The decision’s been made. This is what we want for both of you.”
“Are you done?” I looked from one to the other, so I caught the concerned look Mom gave Dad.
“Yes, but honey—this is what’s best and it’s our decision to make,” Mom said.
“He’s on a waitlist so it won’t happen tomorrow, but we’re planning for the future—when we’re too old to care for him,” Dad said.
It seemed selfish, though. The worst kind of selfish. Unloading our burden to the state so we could live our lives. Shaking my head, I walked out of the room. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
I barely restrained myself from slamming the door to my childhood bedroom. How could I ever come back here to my home if Caleb didn’t live here? I couldn’t stand the thought of him not being here. I cried until there were no more tears left and then my phone buzzed. It was probably Hadley—she’d been in touch almost daily since I’d left.
Instead it was Gabe. My heart rate picked up.
Gabe: How are things?
Was he only contacting me because of Caleb or did he want to apologize?
Taylor: Caleb came home today so we’ll see how it goes.
My phone rang, indicating Gabe was calling. Should I answer? He knew I was here, and it would be nice to hear his voice.
“Are you okay?” Gabe’s concerned voice rumbled in my ear as soon as I pressed accept.
His voice was so familiar, pain shot through my chest. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I wasn’t but it had nothing to do with Caleb being hurt and everything to do with my parents’ plans.
“You don’t sound okay.”
“It was a rough day, that’s all. You know how family can be.”
“Probably not the same way you mean.”
His family wasn’t there for him at all. “Maybe not. Just some news that was upsetting but nothing that concerns you.”
“Everything to do with you concerns me.”
I bristled at that. “Not anymore.” Not after he’d accused the person he allegedly loved as betraying him.
“Taylor, I need to talk to you about that night.” His voice sounded desperate.
“Why now?” Why was he so quick to jump to conclusions?
“I’ve been dealing with family services and trying to figure out what happened.”
I stayed quiet because I wanted to hear if he’d realized I wasn’t the one who told family services. I was torn between hopeful and annoyed he’d accused me so easily. The hope scared me the most because despite telling him not to contact me I didn’t want to walk away.
“Zach told the school counselor Lizzie wanted him to drop out of school to earn money for the household. The counselor made the call. Then Lizzie claimed I was abusing Zach to take the heat off of her. She finally admitted it was a lie.”
“That’s good news.” My voice was flat. None of what he said meant much to me. I was happy Gabe wasn’t suspected of anything, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d accused me of talking to the social worker.
“I’m so sorry I accused you. That I came at you like that. I realized I was wrong but when I came to you the next morning you didn’t answer the door.”
I was already gone by then—on a flight to Maryland. “I flew home because Caleb was hurt.”
“Isaac told me you’d gotten a call from your family that sounded bad and when I called your work, they said you were on medical leave, so I figured it had something to do with Caleb. I wanted to wait until Caleb was better before we talked about us.”
It seemed like too little too late. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Gabe. You’ve always been like that. Reeling me in, deciding I’m wrong for you, and then pushing me away. I’m tired of it and frankly I have bigger things to worry about.” Like my parents’ decision to place Caleb on the waitlist for state housing.
“I’ll give you time, but this isn’t over.” He voice was determined.
An unwelcome thrill shot through me at his words. I wasn’t supposed to want him back. “It’s been over since you accused me of betraying you. I’ve never given you any reason to distrust me.”
“You haven’t. This is my fucked-up past coming back. It’s not you.”
I chewed my nail—a habit I’d broken in college but was now back full force. “I told you I wouldn’t take you back again.” I couldn’t keep doing this back and forth with him.
“I love you and I know you still love me. I’m not giving up. Can I ask when you’re coming home?” His last question was hesitant and unsure.
“I’m not sure. Dean said I could have as much time as I want, and Caleb needs me.”
“Okay.”
Was this it? Would he let me go, and if he did, would I be okay with that? I’d been so overwhelmed with everything going on with my family I’d pushed away thoughts of Gabe and how his accusation had shaken me. I put myself out there—loving someone for the first time despite my reservations—only for him to throw everything back in my face. He’d voiced my greatest shame out loud—that I was selfish in leaving Caleb.
“You were right about some things. I was selfish by moving to New Orleans, leaving my baby brother here with my parents, and maybe I was substituting my need to care for Caleb to you and Zach.”
“No, Taylor—I never shou
ld have said that. It wasn’t right. You’re the most unselfish person I’ve ever met.”
“No, Gabe. You were right. It was the wake-up call I needed. I should be thanking you. My brother was upset that I left and he acted out.” I was resigned. Nothing he could say would change my mind.
“Taylor—”
“No, Gabe.” I was more tired than I’d ever been. I was weary of the situation with Caleb, weary of this conversation with Gabe. “I don’t want to argue with you. I’m where I’m supposed to be.” Tears filled my eyes and I tried to suck in a few breaths so I could get off the phone. “Thanks for apologizing but you’re off the hook. I hope everything works out with Zach and his mom.”
“Thanks, but—”
“I’m sorry, but I had some bad news about Caleb today and I can’t talk about this right now.” I hung up before he could respond. He’d apologized, but it was over. I wouldn’t go back on what I’d said that night.
I needed to focus on my family and whether it was my fault my parents were institutionalizing Caleb. If so, I didn’t think I could bear it. My parents wanted me to live my life, but what about Caleb’s life?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
GABE
I knew I’d fucked up, but this was so much worse than I’d thought. I’d said something stupid—something completely untrue with the purpose of hurting Taylor as much as I thought she’d hurt me. I thought she’d told the social worker about Zach, causing a domino effect of accusations and an investigation into me. The kind of attention I hated. And it brought back that sinking feeling I had when I was younger when I was accused of something—whether I did it or not—I was guilty.
I lashed out where it hurt the most—Caleb. Even as I said the words I knew they weren’t true. She helped me when we first met even when I was an ass to her. She worked at the bar, she helped out Omar with his theft issues at the store, she’d been organizing the block party to help business on my street, and most importantly, she helped Zach. She cared for him like he was mine.