by Lea Coll
There was nothing wrong with her caring for Zach. He wasn’t a replacement for Caleb. Taylor was so caring and loving, she’d help anyone who needed it, which was something admirable and rare—something I’d never encountered in my life. For a brief time, Taylor had been mine, until I fucked everything up with my anger and accusations. Was it too late? Would she listen to me? Would she let me explain?
I had to get her back. Make her see that what happened to Caleb wasn’t her fault. But how? I needed to talk to someone but the only person I had was Isaac. He wasn’t the best at talking about feelings but what choice did I have?
Heading to the bar, I hoped the new bartender would be okay by himself for a little while so I could talk to Isaac. My first impulse was to get on a plane to Maryland, but I wanted to do this right. Taylor was not in a good headspace. She was taking responsibility for everything, and worse, her voice sounded defeated. She’d mentioned she’d had bad news today about Caleb and I wanted to know what she was dealing with so I could help.
As soon as I got to the bar, I headed for Isaac. “Can we talk? Is Patrick okay to handle the bar for a few minutes by himself?”
Isaac raised his brow then turned to talk to Patrick. When Patrick nodded, shooting a curious glance at me, Isaac gestured for me to precede him to the office. “What’s up?” he asked as soon as we were alone.
“I fucked up big time with Taylor.”
Isaac folded his arms over his barrel chest. “I knew that the day she walked out. I told her to give you time. You’re bound to fuck up. You’ve never been in a real relationship. Not with someone like her.”
He was right. I needed time to get my head on straight.
“Is everything okay with her family?” Isaac asked, his face was carefully blank but I could hear the concern in his voice.
“Caleb’s at home now recovering. He’ll be okay but Taylor blames herself for him getting out of the house.”
Isaac swore under his breath. “Why would she think that? She wasn’t there.” Then his eyes narrowed on me, accusation in his eyes.
I hesitated because what I told Taylor was ridiculous and I knew Isaac would be pissed. “Because I told her she was selfish for coming here and not taking care of her brother. I accused her of replacing Caleb with Zach.”
Isaac’s arms dropped from his chest and down to his sides, his fingers curling into fists. “That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. What does it matter if she wants to care for Caleb and Zach? You can care for more than one person. It doesn’t mean you’re replacing one with the other.”
“I know.” How did I not see it earlier? Why did I allow my anger and old fears take over and hurt the only person who’d ever been there for me?
His body tensed. “How are you going to fix this?”
Not, are you going to fix this or do you even want to. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I paused, unsure if he’d support my plan. “I want to go to Maryland. I want to be there for her like she’s always been there for me.”
He relaxed slightly. “Are you prepared for the fact she might not want to take you back?”
“I am but I want to be there for her.” I knew that with every fiber of my being. “Will you be okay for a few days without me? I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I know it’s shit timing with me asking for more responsibility and then leaving like this but I’ve never—”
“You’ve never taken a vacation. Hell, you rarely take a day off.” He assessed me for a second before adding, “I like her for you.”
“I just hope she’ll take me back. Thanks.” I opened the office door to leave, my mind already on finding airline tickets to Maryland. I’d rent a car if I had to. Whatever it took to get to her. It was my fault she blamed herself for Caleb’s accident. She hadn’t said much about her family, but I hoped it wasn’t her parents pressuring her. If so, I’d have a few words with them too.
“Don’t come back without her,” Isaac called after me as I walked down the hall into the bar and out the door.
I went home to get tickets, pack, and took an Uber to the airport. I was comfortable leaving Zach for a few days because his mother had agreed to parenting classes, requested assistance, and Ms. Glover was monitoring the situation. I had to explain to Taylor why I lashed out. If I had been thinking rationally, I would never have believed she could do such a thing.
She’d said she wouldn’t take me back, but I had to try. I couldn’t continue to let her think anything that happened was her fault. That she was a bad person. I couldn’t bear to hear the defeat in her words that I’d made her feel.
When I landed in Baltimore, I realized I had no idea where Taylor lived. She’d told me she lived in the downtown historic area of Annapolis but that was it. I searched for Leeds in Annapolis and found several, but only one downtown. I gave the address to the Uber driver, hoping this one was her parent’s address.
I pulled up to a well-maintained home with gray siding, bricks, black iron flower window boxes, and black shutters. I walked up the tall wooden steps to the double red doors, and raised my hand to knock, realizing I had no plan other than make her listen to me—be there for her. I had no idea if she’d let me. I knocked softly hoping it was the right house.
The door pulled open and an older man stood there with his brow raised. “Can I help you?”
I couldn’t help but notice how expensive yet homey everything looked—hardwood floors,
the curling wooden banister leading to the second floor, and artwork lining the foyer and hallway to the rest of the home. My heart raced. “Are you Taylor Leeds’s father?” He had the same light blue eyes.
“I am.” He stood unmoving, hand braced on the door, brow raised.
I knew this wouldn’t be easy. “I’m Gabe Adler. I’m a friend of your daughter’s—”
“Dad, who’s at the door?” that familiar silky voice I’d know anywhere drifted from behind him.
Her dad stepped back revealing Taylor, eyes wide with surprise. “What are you doing here?”
She stood in a long gray sweater, black leggings, her face clear of make-up, and her hair tied back in a ponytail, and I’d never seen anyone more beautiful. “I’m here to see you.”
Mr. Leeds moved off to the side still watching us.
I’d wanted to come earlier but I had to take care of Zach first and I needed to explain. I looked Mr. Leeds in the eye and hoped he’d see the sincerity in my eyes. “I had a situation at home that I had to take care of first, but I wanted to be here for Taylor. I know how important Caleb is to her.”
Mr. Leeds turned to Taylor but gestured at me. “Is this what you’re running from?”
Taylor’s face flushed. “I told you I’m not running from anything. Gabe’s a friend.”
Mr. Leeds’s eyes met mine, shining with respect and hope. It threw me for a second because in my experience, no father wanted me dating their daughter, especially, not someone like Taylor.
Her close-knit family and expensive home made me wonder if I had anything to offer her, but the fact that she loved me despite of that spurred me on. I wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. Mr. Leeds finally nodded to me before leaving us standing in the doorway.
“Can I come in?” I asked Taylor, nerves settling in deeper now that it was only the two of us. This was the moment that would decide everything. She could send me on my way or let me in.
She considered me for a long moment still standing several feet from the doorway before she moved closer to me and I held my breath. I wanted more than anything for her to approach me like that night in the bar when she’d smiled, happy to see me, and moved to kiss me. I wanted her lips on mine, her arms around me. Did she miss me as much as I missed her?
She merely stepped into me so that I had no choice but to step back onto the porch so she could close the door to her home. My heart sunk. I’d hoped she’d let me inside for this conversation. The cool fall wind drifted around us as she tightened her long sweater aroun
d her body.
“We can talk out here.” She gestured to the small front porch, which had two rocking chairs and a small table between.
It was better than sending me away and she’d agreed to talk to me. I waited for her to sit and then sat in the chair next to her.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice was quiet and the same flat tone she’d had on the phone. Like she’d lost all hope.
I could barely hear myself speak over my rapidly beating heart. “I wanted to be here for you like you were for me.” On the way here, I’d repeated those words to myself. They were the most meaningful things I’d ever said to anyone and I hoped she understood that. How she was different from anyone else. She was the only one I wanted to be there for.
“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?”
“I needed to make sure Zach was okay first.” I’d told her this before but I didn’t mind explaining myself again in person.
“Is he okay?” Her expression was pensive and hopeful at the same time.
We’d discussed the results of the family services investigation but not Zach. “He is. He’s staying in school. Lizzie is taking parenting classes suggested by family services. She’s getting the support she needs so she doesn’t have to work late hours. She seems to be sincere in wanting to do better.” I’d asked about whether charges could be filed for her false statement about me but Ms. Glover convinced me that it would do more harm than good to Zach.
“That’s great.” Taylor looked relieved but there was no positive inflection in her words.
I wanted to ask, don’t you care? I knew she did, it was just buried under all of the shit I’d spewed at her that day. I decided to lay it all out there. I didn’t know how long she’d sit out here in the cold. “What happened with Zach wasn’t your fault. What happened with Caleb wasn’t your fault.”
Finally, she looked up at me with feeling in her eyes—a combination of stubbornness, denial, and hope—her fingers twisted in her lap.
“You’re the single best person I’ve ever met. You have to know that.” I fell silent for a minute until I couldn’t resist any longer. I had to touch her. I reached out my hand, worried she’d snatch hers away, but she allowed me to rest my hand over hers. “I’m so sorry, Taylor.”
She smiled dismissively. “It’s okay. You didn’t have to come all of this way to apologize. I told you that you were off the hook over the phone.”
“You did, but that’s not why I’m here. I’d take back every single thing I said that night if I could. I wish I could explain to you how scared I was when Lizzie accused me of being a child predator or when I thought she’d told the social worker that. When I was accused in the past, things didn’t go well.” I had been guilty of theft when I went to prison, but it was the false accusations when I was younger that pushed me toward making bad decisions. I could see that now. “I was so scared that I could go to prison for something like that—something I’d never do. I was sick, panicked, angry. I never should have directed those feelings at you.”
Her eyes filled with understanding. “I’m so sorry, Gabe. I hadn’t thought of it from your perspective. I couldn’t get past what you’d said about me—what you’d accused me of doing.”
“I’m not here to make you feel bad. I wanted to explain to you why I didn’t stop and think first. If I had, I would have known you’d never go to family services when I asked you not to.” I didn’t want to make excuses for myself though. “I was wrong and I’m probably going to screw up again. I’m far from perfect.”
A small smile tugged at her lips and I hoped that was a good sign.
“I don’t want to be apart from you. When things happen with you—your family, I want to be here.” When she was quiet, I said, “I’m going to stay at a hotel, but if you’d like to see me, just—”
“You’re leaving?”
Was she upset? Had I misread the situation? I wanted to be there for her but at the same time, I didn’t want to push her. “I don’t know what to do. I want to be here for you but I’m not sure what you want. I came here uninvited.”
She was silent for a few seconds and I was afraid to breathe—afraid this would be our last moment together. Then she stood and held her hand out to me. “Do you want to come in and meet my family?”
Relief poured through me at her question. “I’d love to.”
She still held my hand as she led me into her parents’ home. Her parents, who sat in the tiny living room by the foyer, lifted their heads when we returned. Mr. Leeds’s eyes went to our joined hands.
“Mom, Dad. This is Gabe. Gabe, these are my parents, Phyllis and Matthew Leeds.”
They both stood and I held out my hand to them. “Nice to meet you both. You have a lovely home.” I’d never said anything like that before, but I didn’t think I’d ever been in a home like this. Every spare space on the living room walls was covered in framed family photographs, a fireplace was the focal point of the room with a TV mounted over it, leather furniture sat against the walls, a large area rug covered what looked like the hardwood floors. It was warm and cozy.
I moved to the pictures on the wall, seeing one with a young girl and boy playing with blocks— Taylor and her brother, Caleb? “Is this—?” I turned to Taylor as she moved closer to me.
“Yes, that’s Caleb. He was only two then. It was before we knew anything was wrong. He was a normal two-year-old.” Her voice was sad, and I caught the look on her mother’s face. As much as they loved Caleb as he was they’d been heartbroken that he’d never be the child they thought he’d be—the man they hoped he’d become.
“He’s taking a nap now but you can meet him when he wakes up,” Mrs. Leeds said.
“I’d love that.”
Picture after picture of a smiling happy blond girl, her arms around her brother in every picture, told the family story. Taylor had been the best big sister Caleb could have hoped for. He was loved and cherished. He hadn’t been perfect, and his family loved him anyway. He wasn’t who they’d hoped for in a son, or a brother, but they loved him anyway. What must that feel like? To be loved despite your flaws. Is that what I had with Taylor and I’d thrown it back in her face?
“What do you do in New Orleans?” Mr. Leeds asked, pulling my attention away from the family photos.
“Nothing as important as Taylor.” And it wasn’t my imagination that her face flushed at my words. “I manage a bar. We’re meeting with a lawyer soon so that I can become an equal partner in the business.”
Taylor sucked in a breath. “That’s amazing, Gabe.”
Mrs. Leeds stood, her hand going to her chest. “I’m so sorry. Did you want something to drink? I made fresh-squeezed lemonade earlier. It’s Caleb’s favorite.”
“I’d love that,” I said with sincerity. I appreciated her effort to make me feel welcome, especially when I probably didn’t deserve their hospitality. Not when I’d hurt their daughter.
“I’ll help you.” Taylor followed her out of the room.
Mr. Leeds leaned forward in the chair. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I hope so too.”
“I’ve never seen Taylor like this before. She’s always been hopeful and upbeat. Now, she’s so—”
“Defeated.”
“Yes.” His eyes on mine were filled with questions.
I didn’t want to tell him about me when we’d just met. I wanted him to have a good impression of me but I didn’t want him worried about his daughter. “It’s all my fault. I screwed up.” I told him how Taylor helped me with Zach, and how I’d accused of her of going behind my back.
“You have some making up to do.” He leaned back in the chair.
I hoped that meant that I hadn’t screwed things up with her parents. “I do. That’s why I’m here.”
“Zach’s okay?” Mr. Leeds asked as Taylor walked in with a pitcher of lemonade, glasses, and muffins on a large serving tray.
I cleared my throat. “He is.”
Taylor�
��s eyes raised at Zach’s name. She poured a glass of lemonade and handed it to me. “You told him?”
“Yes,” I said, taking the cold glass of lemonade.
“Why?” She sat next to me on the leather couch not bothering to serve her parents.
“Your dad deserves to know what happened and my part in everything.”
She looked from me to her dad. “Yeah, and how did that go?”
“Gabe is going to make things right and I’m not going to stand in his way,” Mr. Leeds said, and my body filled with gratitude. Other than Isaac and Taylor, no one had ever given me the benefit of the doubt before.
“Why not?” Taylor asked, as if she’d expected her father to be angry on her behalf.
“Because he means well. He seems like a good guy and it’s obvious you’ve been avoiding him. You need to deal with it and move on,” Mr. Leeds said.
“But Caleb needs me.” Taylor’s lips were set in a straight line.
“He doesn’t.” Mr. Leeds’s tone was cool, dismissive. “He has us, his nurses, doctors, and teachers. Now, you can come and visit but you can’t live here anymore.”
Mr. Leeds was being harsh, but it’s what Taylor needed. She needed permission to live her own life because she wouldn’t give it to herself. Now that I’d gotten to know her better I was surprised she’d taken the first step to move to New Orleans, even temporarily.
Taylor stood, her voice rising. “What?”
I wanted to step in, but I couldn’t. This needed to come from her parents.
Her mother walked in with plates, her eyes widening at the raised voices.
“You’re kicking me out?” Taylor cried. “Just like you’re kicking Caleb out.”
I had no idea what she was talking about. Was this the bad news she’d mentioned? Her father was kicking Caleb out of the house? If so, my impression of her parents so far had missed the mark.