Unintended

by Kyra Lennon

  “Deal,” he said, with a small smile. “Before we put it aside completely, we won’t be going ice skating now. We can’t risk you falling down and getting hurt.” My heart did an unexpected flutter at his thoughtful words. “So, what do you want to do instead? Do you still want to go to Manchester?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. Maybe we can do something low key.”

  “Not too low key. It’s still your birthday and you should still do something fun.”

  “Any ideas?”

  He smiled. “Yeah. What you need right now is to take your mind off everything. But, we have to be back here for four because there’s something else coming for you and you need to be home to get it.” I raised a questioning eyebrow, and he laughed. “I’m not telling. So, we should do something silly. The Trafford Centre has an amusement arcade with slot machines and bowling and pool. I say we go there for a couple of hours and chill. Grab some lunch over there, then come back here and open all the cards and presents. How does that sound?”

  Anything that delayed me thinking, even for a couple of hours, was fine with me. The fact that he’d picked something so simple and relaxing just made it even better.

  “Mind if I kick your ass at pool?” I asked, a small smile tugging at my lips.

  “You think you could?”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  Ash grinned. “We’ll see about that.”

  I did kick his ass at pool. He beat me at pretty much everything else we tried though, all of it fairly gentle. Although he wasn’t talking about me being pregnant, he was extra careful around me, keeping me close to him and surveying every game before suggesting whether we should play. I’d have thought it would have annoyed me when I was trying to forget about it. Instead, it somehow just made me see him more clearly.

  The Ash I’d first met was always on edge. Always tense, only lightening up when he was totally sure it was okay. He used to be worried about saying something that would offend me, or accidentally breaking something of mine. Since staying at my place, he’d learned to be a little more okay with joking around, but it was when he moved out that I noticed even more of a change. With his physical injuries all healed up, he could go back to work, and doing work he actually enjoyed outside of Manchester had made a huge difference. In the beginning, he hadn’t considered not going back to live there, but once he’d gotten used to being in Stockport, he thought it was a better choice of place to live, if for no other reason than being farther from Natalie. He still had his moments, when he’d forget where he was and the old panic would set in. But those times were less now.

  I couldn’t lie. If it weren’t for the fact that I assumed he’d never want to be with a mess like me, I would have considered testing the dating waters with him.

  But that consideration about dating him was only ever that. Just fleeting thoughts. He was sweet, and funny, and Keely had been right. He was gorgeous. And I was sure when he found someone he wanted to be with, it would sting. But he deserved someone better than me. Someone with less baggage. I refused to dump all of that on him.

  When we got back to my house, I was smiling again. Even if it was only to be short-lived, I wanted to enjoy as much of my birthday as I could, before I let reality in later. Ash told me to sit down while he made us some tea, and when he returned, he was also carrying the pile of birthday cards I’d ignored earlier. He put them on my lap after putting the tea down on the coffee table.

  I was about to pick up the first one but I stopped and placed them on the floor, instead reaching for the gift bag he’d brought in earlier. “Yours first,” I said as I lifted it up and put it on the sofa between us.

  I opened his card, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would it be generic, or humorous? I figured probably more generic, and I was right. It was cute. It had a large, bright butterfly on the front that glimmered slightly in the light. Inside, he’d written, ‘Happy Birthday, Evie. I hope you have a day that’s as colourful as the front of this card! Love Ash x.’

  His written words made me laugh. It had certainly been colourful. Or maybe totally bizarre was more accurate. Of course, neither of us could have known what would happen when the card was written.

  I reached into the bag and pulled out the first gift inside. I already knew what it was as I’d asked for it when he’d asked what I wanted for my birthday. I ripped open the new Chaos In The Courtyard album and hugged it to myself.

  Yeah, I still preferred hard copies of albums.

  “Thank you,” I said, setting it down beside the gift bag. “You know this would have been enough, right?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. But it’s your thirtieth, so you should get extra gifts.”

  As I was about to delve into the bag again, the doorbell rang, and he grinned.

  “You should get that,” he said.

  Giving him a curious glance, I stood up and went to answer the door. A man greeted me, holding a large white rectangular box in both hands.

  “Evie West?” he asked, and I nodded. “Perfect. This is for you.” He handed me the box and I was surprised to find it was quite weighty. “Hold it carefully,” the delivery man said, smiling before he walked away.

  I stepped back and gently kicked the door shut since my hands were full. I carried the box into the living room and put it on the end of the coffee table.

  Ash was smiling as I looked over at him, and I sat down on the floor in front of the box, wondering what could be inside. I lifted the lid and gasped.

  A cake. But not just any cake. It was an exact replica of my tattoo, right down to the exact shape and colours, and the hand holding onto it. A laugh of surprise and amazement left me, and I looked up at Ash again. I felt tears in my eyes at how thoughtful he was.

  Everything from him making plans in the first place, then quickly figuring out how to change them, to the presents, and now this.

  He was amazing.

  “Ash,” I breathed. “Why did you do all this? It’s so much.”

  He smiled softly. “Because you deserve it. You took me in when I had no-one, and you helped me find a job, and move house. You listened to me when nobody else had in a long time. You gave up your Christmas for me. And back then, I couldn’t afford to re-pay you.”

  “I never wanted to be re-paid, Ash. I never wanted anything.”

  He nodded. “I know. That’s why I did this. Because you give and you never ask for anything. So, I wanted to give you a birthday to remember.”

  Shaking my head, I let some tears fall. God, he was so sweet.

  “Thank you,” I said, as best as I could with my throat clogged.

  “You’re welcome, Evie.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  When Evie had said those words earlier, it was like someone had punched me in the gut.

  Of all the things I thought she might say, that one never entered my head.

  I’d kind of blocked out the fact that she’d slept with her ex at New Year, because it didn’t matter. He wasn’t in her life anymore. There hadn’t been any more phone calls or attempts for him to see her. It really was the end of it.

  Or it should have been.

  What I knew about Evie was that when her baby had died inside her, a lot of her had died too. And it had taken her a long time to find herself again. One thing she’d never mentioned, though, was if she wanted to try to have children again one day. Probably because she’d never mentioned whether she intended to get into another relationship again, or if the last one had put her off forever.

  She seemed terrified by the idea of being pregnant, and even though I tried all I could to keep her mind off it so she could have a good birthday, I knew it sat in the back of her mind all day.

  It was hardest for her during the evening, when we went out to dinner with her mum, and Keely and Nick. Luckily, I’d met Evie’s mum before so there was no additional awkwardness, though I sometimes felt like she was silently warning me away from her daughter. It wasn’t that she didn’t like me, just that she would have lik
ed me more if I was also thirty.

  Evie had told everyone that the reason she wasn’t drinking was because she’d had a lot to drink the night before—an answer her mother wasn’t very happy about—and she was taking it easy. Keely and Nick had no problem buying that. Evie wasn’t much of a drinker, unless something was really bugging her, and they both knew she was pretty hung up on the big three-oh.

  All in all, it was a good night, but I knew things were going to take a turn when we got back to hers.

  Evie and I sat at her kitchen table with large mugs of hot chocolate and a slice each of her birthday cake. On the way home in the cab, I’d watched her become more withdrawn as she realised it was time for her to talk. A part of me felt bad for forcing her to when she didn’t want to, but there was no chance I’d let her wallow, allowing her thoughts to torture her. She had to let it out before it swallowed her.

  “Shit,” she said suddenly, after we’d been sitting silently for a while. “I’ve been so self-involved today, I almost forgot.”

  “Forgot what?” I asked.

  “Tomorrow. It’s Natalie’s hearing.”

  Yeah. I’d been trying to forget too. I knew Evie hadn’t truly forgotten, because she’d asked me about it a few days before, and I’d fobbed her off. What was there to say? I knew it was coming, and the day had almost arrived.

  “I’m still not going,” I said, answering her unspoken question. “I don’t need to be there and I don’t want to see her, so I’ll just hear from my lawyer when it’s over.”

  I almost gagged on the word. Lawyer. I sounded such a pretentious dick saying I had one. That word was usually reserved for rich people involved in huge cases, not twenty-three-year-olds who had been abused by their girlfriend.

  “I hope she gets at least some jail time,” Evie said. “She deserves it.”

  “She does. My lawyer thinks that with the severity of the injuries and the fact that I am still in counselling now means there’s a good chance she might, even though she has no other history of violence.”

  “Good,” Evie said firmly, and I could almost see in her eyes that she was recalling how she’d found me in the hospital.

  “Hey.” She looked up at me, and I said, “I appreciate you asking about the hearing, but you don’t get to avoid the real thing we’re supposed to be talking about.”

  She wrinkled up her nose. “I wasn’t completely trying to do that.”

  “I know.”

  She clung onto her mug and let out a groan. “I don’t know, Ash. All day this has been circling around in my head, and there are only two things I’m certain of. One of them is that I don’t want to be pregnant, and the other is that I don’t want an abortion. Which makes this complicated.”

  That was for sure.

  “So…?” I prompted.

  “So, I guess I’m going to have a baby.” Her eyes clouded over for a second. “But even the idea scares me. Because last time, I was so happy. I had a husband, and a home, and a baby was going to be the thing that tied it all together. The perfect life for us. And then it was gone. Just like that. One minute, my baby was alive, kicking around inside me, and then it all stopped. And now, well, I still have a home but I don’t have a husband. It’s not that that’s bothering me though. I’m not ready to be pregnant again and I never thought I would be. I stopped taking the pill because I was single and I wasn’t sleeping with anyone so, no problem. And it shouldn’t have been a problem that night with Jay because we used a condom. But as you pointed out, nothing is completely safe.”

  Brushing over the thought of her with her ex, I said, “Is there anything that would make being pregnant easier? Is there anything anyone can do to make it better?”

  She shook her head again. “Not really. I think this has to come from me, but I can’t feel anything. Last time when I found out I was pregnant, I felt an instant connection to the life growing inside me. This time, I don’t feel anything. I don’t want to feel anything, because if it doesn’t work out again… I don’t think I can handle it. If I don’t get attached, then maybe I’ll be able to get through it.”

  I could tell from her eyes that she hated herself for saying those words, but I also knew she didn’t mean it.

  That woman was born to be a mother, and when her hand rested lightly on her stomach, I knew she was already attached, even if she was trying not to be.

  “You know that’s not true, right?” I asked carefully. “Attached or not, if something is wrong, it’s going to hurt no matter how much you pretend.”

  She pushed her drink away and stood up, turning away from me, and I instantly regretted my words. I was trying to be helpful, but I was making matters worse.

  This was a topic I knew nothing about. I’m not a woman, and I couldn’t understand. What I could understand, though, was that she was in pain and I was a twat because I was doing nothing to make her feel better.

  If that was Natalie, that walking away thing would be while she figured out how she was going to punish me. Out of habit, I started to move my chair back, readying myself for when she flew at me before reminding myself where I was and who I was with.

  “I know that,” Evie said quietly. “I know. But this is all so… it was not how I intended for my life to go. And I have to tell myself something. I have to try and avoid the pain because if I don’t protect myself, if I don’t prepare myself, I’ll be knocked sideways when it all goes wrong and-”

  “It might not go wrong,” I interrupted. “I know what you’re doing, but it doesn’t work. I’ve been there. Not with this situation, obviously, but pretending not to care about the things that matter. And I know you have too because you told me. It’s like putting a bandage over a bruise. Sure, you won’t see it anymore, but it’ll still hurt.”

  “So, what do I do then?” She spun around to face me, tears in her wide eyes, as if begging me to tell her the answer. Seeing her like that tugged at my fucking heart because she didn’t deserve to hurt. She didn’t deserve to feel so uncertain and afraid. She was special. Sweet, and kind, and she deserved the goddamn world.

  “You feel, Evie,” I told her. “Just feel whatever it is you need to feel. And you talk. Talk to me the way I talked to you when I needed it. Don’t block people out.”

  “You make it sound so easy.” She unpinned her hair from the complex updo it had been in when we went out to dinner and combed it out with her fingers, like she was trying to calm herself down, or distract herself.

  “It’s not easy,” I said, trying not to stare at her. But she looked so beautiful as her fingers carefully eased her dark hair down around her shoulders. It had a slight curl to it, and it looked so much nicer like that than when it was straight. The only time it looked better was when she was working and it was piled up messily on top of her head.

  Well, fuck.

  It wasn’t the first time I’d noticed how pretty she was. Far from it, actually. But I never overthought it. Or, I tried not to. It was getting harder the more I got to know her. I knew my place, though. I knew she cared about me, but she saw me more like a younger brother than someone she was attracted to. There was nothing I could offer a woman like her, so I mostly pushed those thoughts about her far away.

  Some days, like right then, she made it difficult.

  “Evie,” I said hesitantly, because this part was really none of my business. I just needed to know. When she looked at me, I said, “What will happen with Jay? Do you… do you think you’ll get back together?”

  She let out a short, humourless laugh. “No. I have to tell him I’m pregnant, but I don’t want anything more than for him to be a part of his baby’s life.”

  I didn’t expect to feel so much relief from those words, but it wouldn’t last long. In spite of what she’d said, she must have still had some feelings for him or this would never have happened. Maybe when she got further through the pregnancy, she’d realise she wanted him back.

  The thought clawed at me, like knives cutting me from the inside, but if tha
t was what she wanted, I’d support her.

  I’d have supported her through anything.

  But I couldn’t help hoping that it wouldn’t come to that.

  When I left Evie’s that night, I felt empty. Lonely.

  I’d kind of wanted to ask her if I could stay, to sleep in the room that had been mine, just so she knew I was there, but that would have been stupid. She didn’t need me. She probably wanted to be alone so she could think.

  Sleep didn’t come easily to me that night, as I thought about Evie, and the upcoming hearing. Initially, Evie had offered to go to the hearing so she could see what was happening, but after Natalie had flipped out after seeing her outside the flat, we’d both decided that was not a good idea. Evie didn’t want to be near her, and I wanted Natalie around her even less now Evie was pregnant.

  I still couldn’t get my head around that.

  I was glad I had work to do, because I would have driven myself crazy if I’d had nothing to do all day. I was working on a review of the very album I’d given Evie for her birthday, and I had some strong opinions on it.

  Chaos In The Courtyard hadn’t been without their problems, but it seemed to have only made them stronger, and that went for their music too. The new album was awesome, and listening to it over and over while I wrote about it helped keep my mind off reality.

  I got the call from my lawyer after three that afternoon, and I took a deep breath before answering from my desk in the living room.

  “Hello,” I said, my voice coming out as an un-manly squeak, and I coughed to clear it away.

  “Hi, Ash.” Dermot Walsh’s voice was as steady as ever. I’d never once been able to tell whether he had good or bad news for me. “How are you?”

  “Good, thanks. How did it go?”

  There was a short pause, and then he said, “Better than I expected. Natalie was sentenced to four weeks in prison, and she will be on probation for a year after.”