Unintended

by Kyra Lennon

  I figured it wouldn’t be. But I was too afraid to ask what he had been thinking. We had had no contact since New Year. I was pleased to see he looked better than he did then. He didn’t look as tired, and he had gained back some of the weight he’d lost. I hoped that meant that he was getting his life back on track after his break-up with Julia and clearing the air with me.

  “Well,” I said, “I guess I felt it would be kinder to tell you face to face rather than over the phone. I know how hard it hit me, so I didn’t want you to go through it alone.”

  Jay gave me a small smile and reached for my hand. “Thank you,” he said. “I think over the phone it would have been a lot harder to deal with.” He let out a short laugh, shaking his head. “I have no idea how I feel.”

  “It took me a long time to figure that out too. I’m still figuring it out. Mostly, I’m scared every single day.” Feeling tears in my eyes again, I sighed. “But, I have a lot of people around me who know how to say the right things and make me feel better again.”

  “How did your mum take it?” Jay smirked, and I laughed again.

  I know I sometimes make my mum sound like a monster, but she wasn’t one. She did, however, have quite specific ideas of how my life should be, and sleeping with my ex-husband on New Year’s Eve didn’t not fall into her list of mum-approved behaviour. I really had planned to tell Jay before I told her, but she could read me better than anyone in the world. She knew something was going on and I didn’t want to lie to her.

  “She’s excited,” I told him. “She’s the most excited of everyone who knows. Keely is close, but because she knows how worried I am about… you know… she manages to keep it under control most of the time.”

  Jay, who still had my hand in his, squeezed it gently. “I can understand why you’re worried. I probably will be too when I get my head around it all, but right now… I think it’s kind of amazing.”

  He smiled, and some of my fears eased.

  “I don’t really know how this will work,” I said, taking my hand from his to pick up my drink. “I haven’t thought any further ahead than a day at a time so far, but I guess we need to think about how we’re going to do this. With the distance.”

  “Well, how would you feel if I moved back?”

  “To Stockport?” I thought about it for a minute. “I guess that would be useful, if it’s what you really want to do. I know you have a good job here though, so, if you wanted to stay-”

  “No,” he interrupted. “Not just to Stockport. I mean, that would be a starting point, but what if you and I… do you think we could… Can we try again?”

  His question caught me off-guard, which was stupid. Because a tiny part of me had wondered if he would suggest it. And a tiny part of me had also wondered how I’d feel about that.

  But not once was I unsure of my answer.

  “Is that what you want?” I asked him carefully. I swallowed down some orange juice, waiting.

  “Maybe,” he said, his brown eyes on me, but as I looked into them, I saw his doubts swirling inside them. And they were valid. More than valid. “Do you want that?”

  I shook my head. “No. Because, even if we wanted to try, there’s a reason our marriage ended. We let it all fall apart, and there’s no way to ever repair or replace that. We’d never be able to forget, Jay. You’d always remember me as the woman who let you down when you needed me, and I would always think of you as the guy who walked out on me for someone else. We can’t mend that. Not ever.”

  He was quiet for a couple of minutes, as if thinking that through. Finally, he said, “You’re right. But…” He reached over and took my hand again. “If that was what you wanted, please know I would have done everything I could to try and make it work.”

  I nodded, those damn tears burning my eyes again. “I know you would. And I would have tried too if I thought it made any kind of sense. But it doesn’t. We’re both different people now.”

  “But, this does mean that we will need to break that no seeing each other rule.”

  I laughed lightly, my tears disappearing again. “I know. I wouldn’t cut you out of your children’s lives, Jay. I want you to be there for as much as you can be. I have a scan in a couple of weeks, and if you can get down then-”

  “I’ll be there,” he said, picking up his drink. This time it was less from shock and slightly more in celebration. “I’ll be there for everything you need me to be there for.”

  Letting my head drop back against the couch’s headrest, I said, “Thank you. Thank you for being so understanding and accepting.”

  And for not asking if the babies are actually yours. It spoke volumes about how well we knew each other though, even after everything. He knew I wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t the father, and I knew he wouldn’t question what I’d told him because I’d never lied to him before. Why would I start now?

  “Evie, when I came to see you at New Year, everything was a mess.” I sat up straighter as his tone became serious. “I broke up with Julia a few months before, and you were all I could think about. Not trying to get back with you, but just seeing you and talking to you. It was like all the guilt I had for leaving caught up with me at once, and as much as I knew it would hurt you to talk about it, all I wanted to do was tell you I was sorry. And yeah, I could have sent a text, but what good would that have done? I needed to tell you. To be in a room with you and talk because it was the one thing we hadn’t done. Not properly. Not without one of us breaking down or shouting or storming out. I thought enough time had passed that we could do it, and I was right.”

  I nodded. “You were. And it did hurt. I bet you never thought it would end up the way it did.”

  “Not once. And I imagined a lot of things. But never that.”

  “It was a strange time. Sometimes I think that, if you’d come a day later, or a day earlier, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. There was just something about that day, and all the emotion we’d kept inside.”

  “The perfect storm,” he said, with another laugh.

  It really was. That entire week, all of my emotions had been tied up with Ash. With helping him, and with making sure he was okay. Then, on that one day, I’d woken up with the mindset of blowing off everything that had been holding me back before. That was why I’d booked the tattoo for New Year’s Eve and why I was so determined to go to Keely and Nick’s, even for a little while. Just to see people, and get ready to start anew.

  I wasn’t one of those people who thought the reset button could only be pushed at the beginning of a new year, but that particular time, it seemed to be the right thing.

  When Jay had appeared at Keely’s, I’d been afraid but inspired. Inspired to say goodbye to him once and for all. If he could take the time to come find me, then I could take the time to hear him out.

  “Do you wish we hadn’t… you know?” Jay asked, his eyes going back to the scan photo before he placed it back into the envelope. “Even before you knew you were pregnant. Do you wish we hadn’t?”

  I shook my head. “No. It sounds like such a cliché thing to say, but we hadn’t really said goodbye to everything we had. And… that didn’t have to happen. But we went through so much together. I think people who loved each other as much as we did… all that emotion had to go somewhere.”

  “I did love you, Evie. I loved you so much.”

  “I know. I loved you too.”

  We sat for a while in a comfortable silence. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was just enjoying my mind being quiet for a while. It wouldn’t last long. It never did. But this had gone better than I could have hoped. No drama. No fighting. No awkwardness.

  “So…” Jay said finally, looking at me over his bottle, a tiny but cheeky smile on his lips. “Do you want to tell me more about that guy from New Year’s Eve?”

  After getting home from Nick’s, I knew I was in for a long evening, and I lay down on my bed, flicking on the TV but turning the volume down. It was just
some gameshow, something playing in the background if I needed a distraction from thinking.

  I’d been on edge since Evie had text to tell me she’d arrived safely in Edinburgh, knowing she was probably with Jay right now, telling him she was pregnant. I hadn’t been able to think of much else the last few days, wondering about what would happen when he knew.

  Evie would have put it off forever if she could have. The last time she saw him, she’d had to face up to a lot of things from her past that she didn’t want to deal with. Now that was done, though, what would happen next? It had constantly circled in my head.

  Evie was terrified about being pregnant. So much that she’d barely even thought about what would happen when she had the babies. A big part of her wouldn’t stop thinking that something bad would happen during the pregnancy, like if she stayed worried the whole time, maybe things would be okay. It wasn’t healthy, but I was familiar with having to tell lies to myself to get through each day. I couldn’t tell her she was wrong when I’d done it myself.

  And knowing she was so stressed made me think that, when she saw Jay again, if they talked for long enough, she might agree to try again with him. After all, last time they saw each other, they had sex, so it wasn’t impossible that they’d get back together. Maybe they would be the family they always wanted to be.

  Could I be happy for her if that was her decision?

  My gut clenched at the idea of it. Of seeing her in a relationship with someone else.

  And it was at precisely that point I realised how much trouble I was in.

  Evie West had changed my life. Over and over, she’d shown me there were things to be grateful for. Things to live for. The day after I’d gone into hospital after Natalie attacked me, a day when everything felt so fucking dark, Evie had wrapped up a phone charger in Christmas paper for me, and I’d laughed. She’d done that to make me smile, even though she knew I didn’t want to. Knew that laughter was the last thing from my mind. She’d let me live in her house rent free until I felt okay enough to live on my own again. She’d helped me to get a job doing something I’d always wanted to do.

  And beautiful? Even though I shouldn’t have been looking at her in that way then, sometimes my breath would catch in my throat when I remembered seeing her rushing towards me, umbrella up, panic all over her pretty face as she ran onto the bridge. And when I saw her again later in the hotel, all comfy, reading a book in her enormous jumper.

  She was so fucking special.

  You used to think Natalie was special.

  I used to be an idiot.

  The truth was, although the things Natalie had done to me were still embedded pretty deep in my mind, and they often found their way into my everyday life, I hadn’t really thought about her in a while. Not the way I used to.

  But the feeling I wasn’t good enough; that was the one thing I was having the hardest time with.

  The fact that I’d managed to gain back any level of self-esteem was because of Evie, Keely, and Nick, and the people at the music blog who paid me to do what I loved.

  I didn’t think I was good enough for Evie, though. Not for everything she needed and deserved. So, if Jay was what she wanted, I’d support that. I’d still be her friend, and I’d stay in her life.

  Even if it might kill me on the inside.

  My phone rang, shattering the silence, and I jumped at the sound. I took a deep breath before pulling it from my pocket and seeing Evie’s name on the screen.

  I guessed I’d find out the answers to some of my questions now.

  “Hey, Evie,” I said, trying not to sound as nervous as I really was.

  “Hey, Ash.” Her voice was quiet. She sounded exhausted, and I sat up, leaning back against my pillows. I might as well be comfortable if I was about to get my heart shredded again.

  “How did it go?” I asked.

  There was a long pause, during which I held my breath, waiting for whatever she was going to say. “It was… emotional.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “He asked me if I wanted for us to try again,” she blurted out. “You know, me and him. Getting back together.”

  Shit. I hadn’t expected that to come up so fast. If at all. I hadn’t been certain Jay would even ask that. How the hell would I know what he wanted? I didn’t know him. What I did know, though, was that Evie was awesome and he was an idiot for finding someone else.

  At least he was the one who suggested them getting back together though. It probably would have felt a lot worse if she had been the one to mention it first.

  From the way my heart was crashing against my ribcage, I doubted it would have made a difference. The fact was, they’d discussed it, and I was about to find out how that conversation went down.

  “Okay.” My voice sounded croaky and I coughed. “What do you think about that?”

  “I think it’s a terrible idea, Ash. And I told him so.”

  I sent up a silent thank you to whoever was listening up there. Someone had to be on my side after all.

  “And you’re definitely sure about that?” I asked, my eyes closed while I waited for definite confirmation.

  “I’m sure. We talked for a really long time. Maybe for him, it was an option, but it wasn’t for me. Not for a second.”

  I almost said the word ‘good’, but then I realised that would lead to an awkward conversation, and Evie had probably had enough of those for one day.

  “Well… how do you feel now?” I asked. “Now you’ve told him.”

  She sighed, and I heard her moving, as if she was getting comfortable on her bed, and the thought made me wish I was beside her. I wanted to hold her hand like I had so many times when she was sad, when she needed someone.

  “I feel okay,” she said. “All the things I’ve tried not to think about, I had to think about today. Like, actually having the babies. How we would figure out Jay seeing them. He’s thinking of moving back to Stockport, but nothing is definite yet.”

  “That makes sense.” The idea was enough for the nagging worries to start up again though. If he was back in Stockport, once the babies were born, maybe Evie would start to look at him differently again. See what they should have had before and want it all back.

  “It does. It would be easier for sure. He’d have to drive down a lot to see them, and it’s a hell of a journey.” I could almost hear her shrugging her shoulder. “That, or I’d have to drive back and forth. And I would have to sometimes because I couldn’t leave it all up to him. So, I guess we’ll have to see what he wants to do. He’ll be down in a couple of weeks for the next scan.”

  And so it begins…

  I immediately hated myself for the thought. Jay had way more right to be there than I did, and I had a quick internal chat with myself about not being a dickhead. They were his children, not mine.

  “I’m really glad you got everything worked out,” I said.

  “Me too. It won’t stop the constant worry about whether the babies will be okay, but at least Jay has been told now and I know he wants to be involved.”

  “Did you ever think he wouldn’t?”

  She let out a small laugh. “No. I knew he would. It’s who he is. As much as I wanted to be a mum, he wanted to be a dad.”

  “Sounds like you would have made a good family.” I hoped the words didn’t sound as bitter as they tasted. I really did want the best for her, and if that was Jay then… so be it. Didn’t stop the thought hurting though.

  “We would have once,” Evie said. “But not now. Now we’re just really good friends.”

  Like me and you. Just friends. Maybe that’s all we’ll ever be.

  Had she ever really given me any signal that she felt more than that? Nope. I knew she cared about me, that much was clear, but not in the way I wanted.

  I wasn’t enough.

  I would never be enough.

  When I got home from Edinburgh, there was a card pushed through my letterbox from the Post Office, telling me a parcel had been delivere
d and was with a neighbour. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, so when I entered my house with a shoebox-sized package in my hands, I was curious.

  I left my overnight bag in the hallway and went to the kitchen, placing the parcel on the table. As I ripped into the grey bag it had been packaged in, I wracked my brain, trying to work out what it could be. I’d noticed the address was handwritten but I didn’t recognise the writing.

  After fighting through the bag, I did indeed find a shoebox, taped up with brown tape. Growling from the frustration of wanting to see what was inside, I went to the kitchen drawer to get some scissors and used them to cut through the tape.

  When I finally managed to get the lid off, I let out a yelp of surprise.

  Right after Ash moved in, and he told me what Natalie had done to his photos, I’d reached out to his mum via Facebook. In spite of what he’d said, I was sure she must have copies of the photos he had somewhere, so I sent her a long message, explaining who I was and what had happened. After a few days, she’d messaged back saying she did have the photos and that she would send them over sometime. I gave her my address, thinking Ash would still be living there because I assumed she would get on it quickly.

  Obviously, she hadn’t, but they had arrived now, and I smiled, thinking about how happy he would be to have his memories back.

  I didn’t plan to snoop through them, but seeing a photo of Ash at around four years old, I picked it up for a closer look. His blue eyes hadn’t changed a bit, though he was quite chunky as a kid. Cute, though. Really cute, with his dark hair falling across his eyes as he sat on the floor, playing with pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I looked down into the box and saw Ash as a baby, being held by his mother who had looked a lot different then. Instead of the bleached blonde hair and layers of make-up, she had light brown hair, and was make-up free. I could see where Ash got those eyes from, and his mum was actually really pretty.

  I guessed good looks was a family thing.

  Not wanting to pry any further, I put the photo I was holding back in the box and placed the lid on. I couldn’t wait to show him.