Christmas and Other Things I Hate

by Elizabeth McGivern

  “Are you planning on staying here a while, because there’s no way you’re going to fit all that in today?” I said.

  “Oh, hush, you’re such a killjoy, let us plan what we want to plan and you can save your ‘I told you so’ for the way home,” replied mum.

  Thanks to the GPS, and zero help from my two passengers, we managed to find the trendy little boutique that Siobhan wanted to visit.

  We were late for the appointment so we were told to return later in the afternoon. As we wandered down street after street we came across a stretch of shops that looked vaguely familiar to me and then I saw the church.

  My mum snapped her fingers when she found me staring into the space where the nativity scene had once stood.

  “Earth to Jane, come in Jane?” she said.

  I started to laugh and said: “I have to go.”

  “What? Where?”

  “Helen doesn’t live too far from here, I think I can find the place.”

  “Really? That’s lovely, we’ll all go and see her,” replied mum.

  Siobhan pulled mum’s arm and whispered something to her.

  “On the other hand, we’ve got some shops to visit and you’ll only slow us down,” she added, “Give our best to Helen.”

  They both had the goofiest smiles on their faces as they walked away and I tried to get my bearings to figure out if I could remember my way to her flat.

  I knew it was close to the Brazilian restaurant and when I got a glimpse of the sign for it I did a little jump in celebration.

  A few people became wary of me as they walked past because of my outburst but I ignored them and pressed on with my journey.

  I kept walking until I found her apartment complex and I took off in a run.

  I kept running up the stairs and didn’t stop until I got to her door for fear I would lose my nerve again.

  Before I could catch my breath or talk myself out of it, I pushed the doorbell and waited to see if she was home.

  I heard someone move around inside and my heart hammered even more violently in my chest.

  I cursed myself for not going to the gym more often as my palms became sweaty and my head spun.

  Without warning, just as the front door opened, I vomited all over the welcome mat at the door. When I finished heaving up the contents of my stomach I lifted my head and found Helen looking down at me.

  “Are you serious?” she said.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Is this your attempt at a grand romantic gesture or are you here to piss me off further?”

  “Further? I didn’t hear from you either.”

  “I didn’t have your number.”

  “Facebook?”

  “I didn’t want to look desperate.”

  I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of both of us.

  “Can we start again, please?” I asked, “This wasn’t exactly how I wanted to see you.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “A meeting that involved 100% less vomit.”

  She invited me in and I waited in the living room while she cleared the mess at the door.

  The whole flat looked completely different without the insane Christmas decorations and felt bigger than when I was last here.

  “So the Scottish guys didn’t wreck the place during their bender?” I said.

  “Yeah, they were great guests actually.”

  Now that I was here and with her I was lost for words. I wished I had thought of some romantic speech to explain why I was here but I had nothing but the truth, so I went with that.

  “I’m here with my mum and sister looking at wedding dresses,” I explained, “and we ended up outside that church – the one from Christmas.”

  She nodded her head but stayed quiet as she waited for further explanation.

  “I was standing there and I kept thinking that it felt like those few days were a million years ago and it made me sad. I don’t know what you normally do in your daily life but I don’t do anything that involves half the fun that we had.

  “I keep listing all these reasons why it’s a terrible idea for us to start anything but I would really like to ignore them and be completely selfish because I like you and I’d like to find out if this is something, because I really feel like it could be.

  “Before you say ‘no’, can you try and ignore all the ways I messed up? You know, like me telling you I didn’t like you, then telling you I loved you, then accusing you of dumping me when we weren’t in a relationship and then just letting you leave without ever telling you? It’s kind of a long list but despite all that, and even though I’m clearly a walking disaster, I just want you to know I’m crazy about you.”

  She took a tentative step towards me and I did the same.

  “I lost your number and I couldn’t find you online because you’re the mysterious sort,” I said with a laugh, “and I tried to tell myself that this was just a bit of Christmas madness but I don’t want it to be and even if it is, then why can’t we have a little bit of Christmas magic all year round? That sounded much less cheesy in my head. Look, all I’m trying to say is, can I take you out for some Brazilian food? I’m told there’s a wonderful place not far from here.”

  We stood close enough to kiss but something stopped Helen from closing the gap.

  She stood back and I started to panic at the thought of being rejected by her after all this.

  “I would love to but you’re really going to need to brush your teeth if you think you’re getting anywhere with me,” she replied.

  I covered my mouth with my hand and felt mortified.

  Helen laughed and took my hand as she led me into the bathroom.

  “Spare toothbrushes in the cupboard,” she announced.

  “Who has spare toothbrushes?” I asked.

  “Someone who stockpiles grocery items when they’re on sale, it’s one of the many wonderful things you’re going to learn about me over the best alcatra in town.”

  I closed the door and quickly unwrapped the toothbrush from the packaging.

  As I brushed my teeth I took the opportunity to check out my reflection in the mirror. My mascara had smudged and my cheeks were blotchy from the retching – this wasn’t my best first official date look but other than wiping up the mascara, there was very little else I could do.

  I opened the door and once again I found Helen standing outside the room waiting for me.

  “This is a seriously strange habit of yours, just like the toothbrush hoarding,” I said.

  “Take it as a compliment.”

  “How’s that?”

  “It means that I can’t wait to see you again so I wait here like an eager puppy until your return.”

  “A bit much, don’t you think?”

  “This is coming from a woman who proclaimed she loved me after 24 hours?”

  “That was drunk Jane, I can’t be held responsible for anything she says. I’m just here to ask you out on a date, not propose.”

  “You mean it wasn’t you looking for wedding dresses? At this stage it wouldn’t surprise me.”

  “Look, let’s get one thing -”

  But I didn’t get to tell her my one thing because she stopped my reply with a kiss. A kiss that I’d been waiting for since our first outside Santa’s Grotto.

  “Have you quite finished arguing with me?”

  “Yes, yes I have.”

  “Then, let’s go.”

  She took my hand and we walked out of the flat together. This time, I didn’t try to fast forward and predict if this would work out or convince myself that it was dead in the water before we’d even looked at the menu.

  I was all in, good or bad, and with Helen I knew this was going to be anything but boring.

  Sink or swim, it was time for us both to jump.

  Jane and Helen will return in:

  Dating and Other Things I Hate

  in January 2020

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  If you can’t wait that long, there’s still plenty of books you can sink your teeth into while you wait for the new release. Find out all about them overleaf.

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