Through Your Eyes

by Shannyn Schroeder

  Her mobile vibrated in her pocket and instinct told her to ignore it. No way would she give Tommy the satisfaction of seeing how torn apart she was. But it was Rory.

  “Hello?”

  “Love, what the hell happened?”

  “Tommy stormed into the room and threw my computer out the window.”

  “He did what?” Anger filled Rory’s voice.

  “He thought—” A round of fierce hiccups shook her.

  “Deirdre, are you safe?”

  She nodded and then said, “Yes.”

  “Breathe, love.”

  He waited in silence while she controlled her breathing. When she began inhaling at a normal rate, Rory asked again, “What happened?”

  “Tommy heard me talking to you and he became enraged. He accused me of... I don’t even know of what.”

  “Where are you now?”

  “Eileen’s. We fought and I left him.”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  Just my heart. But she knew what Rory worried about. “Tommy would never do that.”

  It was only a partial lie because, while she knew he would never hit her, no one had ever hurt her like Tommy just had. Not even when Rory had broken up with her. But even in that ugly moment, she hadn’t been afraid of Tommy.

  “Why was he so upset?”

  “I don’t know. It was you, for sure. He didn’t want me to talk to you.”

  “The man’s jealous, Deirdre. No man wants his wife talking to another man, especially one who she used to be involved with.”

  “I know that, but we’re different. You’re my friend.”

  “I also have no interest in that kind of relationship with you.” Rory chuckled. “But it doesn’t seem like that matters to your man.”

  Deirdre sank to the bed with the sudden realization that Tommy didn’t know.

  “Deirdre? Uh . . . I’m sorry if we’re not at a place to make jokes about us, I just thought to lighten the mood.”

  “No. I mean, it’s okay. I just realized that Tommy doesn’t know that.”

  “Know what?”

  “That you’re gay.” She curled over and held her head.

  “I know you rushed to the altar, but didn’t you talk to him? Most people spend a bit of time rehashing past relationships. Ours was so fresh. Didn’t he ask?”

  “He did and I told him you broke up with me and met someone else, but I didn’t give details.” She’d been so embarrassed about her blindness to everything with Rory.

  Oh crap. Tommy really thought she wanted to get back together with Rory. How could he think that?

  And then when he’d said he’d always loved her, she’d tossed it aside.

  “I think I’ve fucked this up, Rory.”

  “I know you have, love. You need to get outside your head. Like I was saying before I was so rudely cut off by your man, Tommy, he makes things hard because he loves you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because if he didn’t, you wouldn’t be confused. You’d be as comfortable with him as you were with me.”

  “I am comfortable with him.”

  “Not when he makes you feel. Not when he expects things of you. He wants all of you, Deirdre. You need to decide if you can give him that. If you can’t, then you should let him go.”

  Talk about a lightbulb moment. “That’s why you told me to date him. Why you broke up with me. You couldn’t give me all of you.”

  “I always knew you were a smart girl.”

  She lay back on the bed. “He hurt me so bad, Rory.”

  “I’m sure he’d say the same of you. The question is whether you think you can get past it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “The thing is, when you let someone in, when you give all of yourself, it’s amazing. I don’t even have words for how it feels.”

  She heard the love and reverence in his voice, and she knew he’d fallen well and truly in love.

  “I don’t know how to do it. Let someone in.”

  “Start with paying attention. Don’t take for granted all he’s done to keep you. What have you done in return to keep him?”

  Rory might not have meant for his question to have some bite, but it did. Her throat tightened again. “Thanks for talking to me.”

  “Are you going to be all right?”

  “I have a lot of thinking to do.” She disconnected and rolled over. The room was hot, but she couldn’t force her body to go open a window. She closed her eyes, but all she saw was the anger and hurt on Tommy’s face as he’d yelled at her.

  The tears started again. She’d never been as afraid in her life as she had been in that moment with Tommy. Not because she feared he’d hit her, but because she’d seen she was losing him. That had been more frightening than anything.

  And now she had lost him. He thought she’d cheated on him. What man believed that of a woman he loved? Then again, hadn’t she practically cheated on Rory when she’d met Tommy? Of course Tommy thought the worst of her.

  Her entire chest ached desperately. So she curled into a ball and let the sobs wrack her body.

  Deirdre jolted up in bed, moonlight barely filling the room. She must’ve fallen sleep. Her body was sore from the crying. Her eyes burned.

  “Deirdre Rose Murphy O’Malley!”

  The yell had come from outside. Oh crap. That must’ve woken her. She crept to the window and peeked out. Tommy wavered in the street, whiskey bottle in hand.

  “That’s right. You’re an O’Malley. Get your ass out here.”

  Oh, no. Aunt Eileen. Deirdre got to the bottom of the steps, where Eileen stood, arms crossed. “What’s this about?” she asked with a glance toward the front of the house and Tommy’s yelling.

  “We fought and I left him.” Deirdre came fully into the room, and Eileen studied her for a breath.

  “Go back to bed. We’ll handle this in the morning.”

  “But—”

  “Go to bed.”

  Eileen picked up her phone and dialed. She stared at Deirdre as she spoke. “Seamus, your boy is standing in the street screaming at my house. Probably drunk. Get him home.”

  She disconnected and turned and left the room without another word. Deirdre was torn. Tommy continued to holler outside in random bouts of anger and pleading. She didn’t know what to say to him or how to fix this mess.

  So she did as she was told and went to bed. As she crawled onto the cool sheets, she heard Tommy’s pained voice.

  “I love you, Deirdre. It was no lie.”

  “I love you too,” she whispered.

  * * *

  “Tommy. Get your ass in the house before you wake up all the neighbors,” his dad called from the porch.

  “Fuck them,” he said, swinging his arms wide. “My wife ran away. She needs to come back. I got more to say.”

  A car turned at the corner and Tommy squinted into the headlights. It whipped into a spot in front of the house, and Tommy cursed again as Jimmy hopped out.

  “What the hell, people? You couldn’t just call the cops like normal neighbors? You had to call my big brother?” He wasn’t drunk enough not to realize he’d rather have a regular squad car roll up on him.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Jimmy asked. “Of course they called me. Just like they’ve always called me when one of you idiots is doing something stupid. You should be grateful you’re not going to lockup to sleep it off.”

  “Those threats might’ve worked when I was a kid, but they don’t now.” He faced the O’Leary house again. “Come on, Cupcake. You and me.”

  “What happened?”

  “She fucking left me,” he yelled at no one. “She chose him.”

  “Chose who?”

  “Her fucking ex.” Tommy took another swig.

  Jimmy took his arm and tugged. “Let’s go in and talk. Nothing good is going to happen in the middle of the night while you’re drunk.”

  “She left me, man.”

  “But you know where she is. G
ive her the night. You were the one who told me she needs space and you shouldn’t push her.” He guided Tommy toward the front porch.

  Their dad was still standing in the doorway.

  “Where’s Sean?” Jimmy asked him.

  Their dad grunted.

  Tommy answered, “Emma’s.”

  When they got to the living room, Tommy plopped on the couch. Jimmy reached for the bottle.

  “Nuh-uh. You can make me stay inside, but you’re not taking my drink.”

  “You’ve had enough.”

  “I’ll say when I’ve had enough.”

  Jimmy didn’t fight him so he took another gulp. Too bad he didn’t even want it.

  Jimmy sat next to him. “What happened?” he asked again.

  “After you left, I went up to talk to Deirdre about the interview. She was talking to her ex.” Remembering hearing another man call his wife love made Tommy take another drink of unwanted whiskey. “I lost my shit. I took the computer and threw it out the window.”

  The laptop sat on the coffee table, where Tommy had abandoned it hours ago when it wouldn’t turn back on. He pushed it toward Jimmy.

  His brother ignored the computer and slapped the back of Tommy’s head instead. Tommy rubbed the spot.

  “Fuck.”

  “I should take you to lockup for that shit. You know better than that. What else did you do?”

  “I yelled at her.” The words he’d said stuck in his throat. He used more whiskey to shove them down.

  “Christ. What did you say to her?”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  “She left. Won’t answer my calls or texts. Won’t come home.” He laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. Images of Deirdre crying but trying her damnedest not to assaulted him.

  “That’s why I want to know what you said. See how bad it is.”

  “I accused her of wanting her ex back. Of using me. I was cruel. I told her that if she wanted him, to get out. I don’t think she’s coming back.”

  Jimmy slipped the bottle from Tommy’s hand. “You need to figure it out, man. If she leaves the country, she won’t be allowed back in. It’ll look like this whole thing was a fraud.”

  “It’s not. I fucking love her.”

  Jimmy stood. “I know.”

  “What if I lost her for good?”

  “Like I’ve been saying, I don’t know if you ever really had her.”

  Tommy slid down on the couch until he was lying down. Sometimes he hated his big brother. “Don’t you ever get tired of being right all the fucking time?”

  “About this? I hope I’m wrong.”

  Jimmy’s hopes offered no comfort.

  * * *

  When Deirdre woke in the morning, her eyes were gritty, her muscles were sore, and her heart still ached. She’d tossed and turned most of the night, replaying her entire relationship with Tommy.

  She’d done plenty wrong, but she’d never given him cause to make those accusations. While she’d never had high hopes for a perfect marriage with anyone, she’d at least expected respect.

  She climbed out of bed and washed up. Downstairs, she’d have to face Eileen again, and it wasn’t a good prospect.

  Eileen sat in the kitchen, teacup in front of her. When Deirdre came in, Eileen pointed at the stove for Deirdre to help herself to the tea.

  Before Deirdre had a chance to sit, Eileen asked, “What happened last night?”

  “Tommy and I had an ugly fight so I left.”

  “Did he raise a hand to you?”

  Deirdre pulled back. Why did everyone think Tommy was capable of striking her? “Tommy would never.”

  “Did he make you feel less than human?”

  “He said a lot of hurtful things.”

  “That wasn’t what I asked.”

  Deirdre sat and sipped her tea. Tommy had accused her of wanting Rory, but he hadn’t had all the information. Should that matter? If not Rory, wouldn’t he think it of any man Deirdre knew?

  Eileen’s gaze was heavy on Deirdre’s face. Tommy had lashed out in pain, and that was no excuse. But was he abusive?

  She shook her head.

  “That’s what I thought. Seamus might not be the best role model, but I can’t imagine he’d abide any of his sons hurting a woman.”

  Deirdre held her cup of tea, absorbing its warmth. She was so tired.

  Eileen stood, set her cup in the sink, and turned to Deirdre. “Finish your tea, get dressed, and go home.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. You made these choices. Now you have to learn to deal with your husband. That’s what you do when you’re married. You don’t run away like a child.”

  Deirdre heard Eileen’s words, but only one rang through her head. Husband. It struck her the same as hearing Tommy call her his wife. She was his wife. He was her husband.

  The titles carried meaning. Meaning she’d been ignoring for weeks. Just like Rory had said she had. Eileen had her purse and was heading out the door. “Make sure you lock up when you go.”

  “Do you want me to return your key?”

  “That’s not necessary. I’m not evicting you from the family. I’m telling you to deal with yours. I’ll always be here.” Then she slipped out the door.

  Deirdre finished her tea and then had another cup, prolonging her time at the house since Eileen had gone. Her brain throbbed with all the things she needed to think about. Pulling out a small notebook, she began to make a list. Rory had told her to consider all the things Tommy had done to keep her. She tried to see things through his eyes.

  1. married me (with a wedding ring)

  2. moved us upstairs so Sean wouldn’t see me naked

  3. supported me when I had no job

  4. sex

  5. threw me a birthday party

  6. got a tattoo to represent me

  7. took care of me when I was hungover

  8. keeps me safe

  9. goes to church with me

  10. calls me Cupcake

  She stared at the list, sure there was more she’d forgotten. Then she turned the page over to make a list of what she’d done for him.

  The blank page taunted her. She had nothing. And ultimately, she hadn’t even been able to reassure him that being his wife was something she wanted. No wonder he wanted her gone.

  Upstairs, Deirdre repacked the few things she’d taken out and went outside. She set her bags on the porch and locked up. Over her shoulder, she saw Jimmy getting out of his car. Going back to that house suddenly became scary. Jimmy had never really liked her and him being here now couldn’t possibly be good.

  What if he was helping Tommy figure out how to divorce her without triggering problems with immigration?

  She sat on the steps and waited. She didn’t think she could face Jimmy. Leaning against the rail, she closed her eyes and let the sun warm her.

  Within minutes, the storm door across the street banged like it always did. Still sitting hunched with her arms wrapped around her knees, she hoped Jimmy wouldn’t take notice of her.

  No such luck where Jimmy was concerned. He crossed the street and stood in front of her. He pinned her with his blue eyes, so much like Tommy’s, but harder.

  “I don’t know what the fuck is going on. All I’m going to say is if you don’t love him, end it now. Let him go before you hurt him anymore.”

  She swallowed hard before finding her voice. “I never meant to hurt him.”

  * * *

  Tommy walked into the bathroom. He hated Jimmy. Last night had been bad enough, but for his brother to come over today, drag him out of bed, and hand him a new laptop to give Deirdre pissed him off. He didn’t need Jimmy to tell him what to do. He sure as fuck didn’t need Jimmy to replace the computer he’d chucked out the window.

  But that was Jimmy’s way. Tell you what to do and then give you everything you need to make it happen.

  The girl’s sitting on Eileen’s porch with he
r bags looking all dejected. Figure it out.

  Even while he stood in the shower, Jimmy’s words followed him. Why the hell was Deirdre sitting on the porch? Eileen wouldn’t throw her out, would she?

  Guilt swamped him again. He’d thrown her out. Treated her like he’d caught her fucking in their bed.

  But that was what it had felt like. Hearing her talk to Rory, listening to him call her love, had ripped Tommy apart. He hadn’t had the words—certainly not in the moment—to explain that to her. How could she not know? Yet she’d looked at him like he’d lost his mind.

  He thought back to the night Chrissy had called. Deirdre had pushed him away that night, practically dared him to walk away from her, from them. He’d told her that night that he’d be pissed if some guy was calling her.

  When he was done in the shower, he still felt like shit, but he could function. He grabbed the laptop to head over to the O’Learys’. They needed to have it out. If that meant that she would leave and go home, he’d suck it up and move on. This had been a fun little experiment, right?

  Fuck you, his heart declared. It seemed like he was every bit as bad a liar as Deirdre was.

  Walking through the living room, he noticed his dad wasn’t in his usual spot on the couch. Weird. He pushed open the screen door with his head down, afraid to look for Deirdre before he was ready, but he nearly crashed into her. She stood on the porch in front of him, bags at her feet.

  “Jimmy said you were at your aunt’s.”

  “I was waiting for him to leave.”

  “Smart move.”

  She lifted a shoulder. “Not really. He came across the street.”

  Fuck, Jimmy. Why couldn’t he keep his nose out of things? “Was he an asshole?”

  “Compared to . . . ?”

  It was a lame attempt at a joke, but he smiled.

  “Yeah, I was an asshole last night, but I wasn’t as bad as Jimmy, was I?”

  She bit her lip. “When my laptop took the trip to the footpath, absolutely.”

  “About that. Here.” He handed her the box with the new laptop.

  Shaking her head, she said, “I didn’t come over here to get a new computer.”