by K. Langston
He looked so different. He looked so…resigned.
Don’t break down, Cora!
Resting his chained hands in front of him, he shifted in his seat.
“You get the car fixed?”
I shook my head. “My friend, Cannon brought me.”
He ran an irritated hand over his shaved head, hazel eyes clashing with mine. “Why, Cora?”
I shrugged, lowering my eyes with the weight of his stare. “I can’t afford it.”
“You would if you would stop throwing it all away.”
We had the same argument every time I came to visit. He’d accepted his fate ten years ago.
I never would.
“I’m tired,” he muttered and I thought my heart was going to shrivel up and die right there in my seat.
“No,” I pleaded, looking into his eyes. The only trait we shared. We were completely different in every other way. Where my hair was light, his was dark. Where my skin was golden honey, Winston’s was tobacco brown. One of the main reasons he was persecuted when he had his trial.
“Cora, it’s time to accept this. I feel guilty enough for playing into your hope like I have all this time. But I did it because…because I didn’t wanna hurt you, baby girl. But I can’t do it no more. I’ve accepted my fate. It’s time for you to do the same. You find a place to stay yet?”
“I’ve been lookin’ but I…”
“No more excuses. You have got to give this shit up, Cora. Please.” he shouted and the guard gave him a warning look.
“Winston, you know I can’t do that.”
“Listen, I can’t leave this world knowin’ you’re still livin’ under that roof.” He pulled both hands down his weary face with a defeated sigh. “Promise you’ll find somewhere to live soon. Stay with a friend. Something. I don’t give a fuck, but it’s time to get out on your own, live your own damn life.”
My heart was shattered as I walked from the facility. I hated leaving him behind. It hurt to think about him locked away in a cell waiting to die. It made me angry and sad, and the combination wreaked havoc on my already aching and confused heart.
I swiped away tears from my face as I climbed inside the truck. It was several long minutes and a few gut wrenching sobs later when he softly asked, “You ok?” I nodded before dropping my face to my hands, tears flowing in earnest now from the concern in his voice. “Dammit,” he cursed, pulling me into his arms.
I immediately wrapped myself around him, seeking comfort, strength, and something to hold on to.
Something to make the pain end.
“Shh…it’s ok, babe,” Cannon soothed, stroking my hair and holding me tight.
I cried right there in the safety and warmth of his arms, like I’d done many times before.
Only this time…I never wanted to let go.
When we were back on the road, he reached for my hand. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head, attempting to shake off the overwhelming urge to break down again. “It’s all my fault.”
Silence.
“What’s your fault?”
I swallowed, searching for the courage to say it out loud. “If I wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t…” My breath stalled in my throat, his gentle voice, the strength of his touch, it was all too much and not nearly enough. “It’s all my fault.”
“Tell me.”
I’d never told him the whole story, just bits and pieces. I relived it every day of my life. I didn’t want to do it again. But I needed to get it out.
I had to.
“Momma went out that night. Winston had a date, but ended up not goin’ so he could stay home with me. I was thirteen and scared to be home alone. Our neighbors were weird and there was always loud parties and stuff over there. Anyway, we ordered pizza and played UNO before I got sleepy and went to bed. Then sometime later, there was loud banging and lots of yelling. Gunshots. God, I’ll never forget the sounds that night as long as I live. I don’t know how I made my feet move. I was so scared but somehow I made it to my bedroom door, and when I opened it they had my brother on the floor, beating him. I’d never seen anything so brutal. The rage in their eyes was terrifying.
“They were on a drug raid next door. And they were sweeping everyone’s house. They just barged into our home. They didn’t even announce who they were or anything. Winston kept a revolver tucked beneath the cushions of the couch. He thought it was an intruder. Break-ins weren’t unheard of in our neighborhood. The cop he shot bled out on our living room floor.” My heart still ached for the man’s family. “He was a husband, a father. He had two young children. With his mixed race and background, Winston didn’t stand a chance. They sought the maximum sentence. He’d never even been arrested before that night. Never even had a speeding ticket. His only mission in life was to take care of me and get us both the hell out of there.”
“Listen to me,” Cannon raised the back of my hand to his lips where they remained for an unreasonable amount of time. “It’s not your fault,” he said. “He was protecting you. As a brother…that’s his job.”
His words didn’t offer sympathy or judgment…they only offered comfort and understanding.
Something I needed so desperately.
When he pulled his hand away, I found enough strength to draw a decent breath. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Pretty sure I’m the lucky one, babe.” he said, making me smile.
Even though I didn’t want to.
Hope is a waking dream.
~Aristotle
Mile after mile took us closer to reality. Closer to the time when I would have to drop her off and go back home.
Alone.
I’ve never had a problem being alone. Being alone meant I didn’t have to share my past. Being alone meant I didn’t have to give more than I wanted to. But being alone right now didn’t seem so appealing to me. I didn’t want her to be alone. I didn’t want her to feel what I felt every single day.
It hurt too damn much.
“Cannon, look out!” The moment the words shredded her throat, I caught a glimpse of the white ball of fur in the middle of the road. I jerked the wheel in the opposite direction, the ass end of my truck all over the place. My heart froze in my chest, forgetting it needed to beat in order for me to regain control. I aimed for the median, slamming on the brakes as soon as the tires met dirt.
We skidded to a breath robbing halt. “Fuck!” Fear and adrenaline pumped mercilessly through my veins.
“You ok?” I pushed her hair from her face, revealing the fear in her eyes.
Thank God she had her seatbelt on.
“I’m fine. Are you ok?”
“What the fuck? You can’t scream like that while I’m rollin’ eighty down the damn interstate.” I shouted.
Cora flinched and I immediately wished I had bit my tongue. She looked downright distraught. I cupped her cheeks, leaning in to kiss her trembling lips.
“The puppy.”
She unfastened her seatbelt and barreled out of the truck just as an 18 wheeler flew by. “Goddamn it, Cora. What the hell are you doing?”
“We can’t just leave it out here. The poor baby will get hit.”
“Get in the truck now before you get hit,” I ordered as she walked onto the shoulder of the highway.
“Not until we find him!”
Fuck me.
Fuck me. Fuck her. Fuck the damn dog that nearly killed us.
Another 18 wheeler flew by, whipping golden locks of hair all around her face. She stumbled two steps backward. “Get your ass in the truck and I’ll find the damn dog.”
I spotted the little shit cowering behind the guard rail next to a cardboard box. The damn thing couldn’t be any more than a few months old. “Shh…it’s ok,” I soothed as I gathered the frightened mutt in my arms and looked between its legs.
Female.
Fucking figures.
All white with a small patch of dark grey around her right eye and her chest. She shivered in my
arms. “It’s ok, girl.”
“Oh my God,” Cora said, stroking her dirt streaked coat.
“I thought I told you to get in the truck.”
She gently took the puppy from my arms, ignoring me. “I can’t believe someone left you out here all alone. Poor thing. I’ll take care of you sweet baby. It’ll be ok.” The way she spoke to the scared animal, with so much sadness in her voice, made my chest ache.
She held the puppy close as I eased back onto the interstate. “My mom won’t let me keep her, Cannon. She never let us have pets growing up. She hates animals.” Cora’s voice drifted on a soft whisper. “Can Hope stay with you until I figure out something else?”
I chuckled, relieving some of the tension in my shoulders. “Hope? You already named her?”
“Yeah, she has a heart shaped patch of grey on her chest. I think it’s a sign.”
“She could have killed us.”
“But what if she saves us?”
Six words, one by one branded themselves on my heart, bringing it back to life. One word stood out among the rest.
If.
“She can stay with me. I’ll take her to the vet tomorrow.”
Cora beamed back at me. “I’ll pay for everything.”
“We’ll split it,” I said reaching over to scratch behind Hope’s ear. “If she’s gonna save us both, might as well do my part right?”
* * *
Flashes of light blinded me, breaking through the sea of red while muffled pops of gunfire infiltrated my foggy mind. I blinked, trying to shift the loose pieces of my brain back into place, but it only made me dizzy.
I rolled onto my hands and knees, coughing uncontrollably, thick heat and dust coating my lungs. My ribs rebelled against the movement, screaming in agony. The pain bringing everything around me into focus.
When I pushed to my feet, I lurched forward, propping myself up on the brick wall. The edges of my vision remained blurry as uncertainty tainted my judgment.
Never second guess.
Never hesitate.
I reach for my pistol strapped to my leg, unsure of where my rifle is amongst the chaos.
“Cannon!”
“Landon, where are you?”
“Here,” he moaned in agony.
Blood.
So much fucking blood.
Pain.
So much fucking pain.
Sweat covered my entire body, soaking the sheets beneath me. I pushed up from the bed, trying to catch my breath. I couldn’t say the last time I’d slept through the night. The whole night without going back there. The nightmares weren’t as bad as they’d been in the past, but they were still fucking there, reminding me every day of what I’d lost.
I peeled the sheet from my damp skin, dropped my feet to the floor, lowering my head. I let go of a steely breath, trying to find somewhere to bury the images burning through my mind, the ones that plagued my dreams.
Hope nudged beneath my arm, settling my anxious blood. I sucked in a relieved breath, scooping her up into my arms, grateful for the distraction. I nuzzled her beneath my chin and stroked her soft coat. The vet confirmed she was a mix between lab and pit which made her wicked smart and overly rebellious. In the span of a week, I’d lost my new Guns and Ammo magazine, a boot, and a turkey sandwich. “You’re turning me into a pussy,” I told her as she licked my face and pawed my chest. “You and your mama both.”
I carried her outside to the front lawn, forgoing the need to put on any clothes since my house sat privately on about 20 acres, corn fields as far as the eye could see. My closest neighbor was a mile away. In exchange for rent, I was helping Holden fix the place up, along with a few other properties he’d recently purchased. He leased the farm land to local farmers so the return on this investment had been a very good one. This house hardly needed any work compared to the others, though. The properties he purchased were mostly foreclosures left in terrible shape after the occupants had moved out, or had been sitting so long they’d been damaged by the elements. But the previous owners had taken pretty good care of this one, so Holden let me move in until he was ready to sell.
Two anxious paws stomping on the tops of my feet pulled me from my early morning haze as a familiar grey Nissan pulled into my driveway.
You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes
because that’s where the fruit is.
~Will Rogers
My mouth had gone completely dry. Who stands in their front yard like that? All Cannon had on were a pair of green boxer briefs and a smile, holding my sweet baby.
“Oh my,” Lyssa gasped. “Cora are you sure about this?” She put the car in park, still looking out the windshield at Cannon standing in the front yard.
I’d seen him without a shirt before, but damn I’d never seen him this naked. The man’s body was a masterpiece. Every ridge and muscle was toned and sculpted to perfection, leaving nothing to waste. And the way his waist cut down to that mouthwatering V thingy, knowing exactly what it led to…
“Yes, very sure.”
She wasn’t happy with me right now. She thought this was a bad idea and told me such on the way over. “He’s standing in the front yard in his underwear. I don’t see how any of this is a good idea. Will you please just stay with me?”
“Lyssa, we talked about this. We would kill each other. I can’t be that neat. You finally have a place of your own and you need to enjoy that. Besides, you only have one bedroom and Cannon has the spare. It just makes sense.”
“But what if he says no? And, aren’t you worried about him…you know…kissing you again? What if he sneaks into your bedroom in the middle of the night?”
A thrill shot down my spine as the images she evoked flashed through my mind. “I don’t think I would be opposed to that.”
“You’re crazy,” she scoffed, shaking her head.
“Yeah, but it’s the good kind of crazy. I know what I’m doing.” I assured her.
Following my heart.
She leaned over and gave me a tight hug. “I know you do. But if you change your mind, my door is always open. I love you, mess and all.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I got this, I promise. Love you too.” I planted a wet kiss on her cheek and grabbed the backpack between my feet. “I’ll call ya later.”
“You better!”
I did the same as I walked toward him, my emotions getting the better of me as I took him in. Seeing Cannon’s smile felt like waking up from a bad dream. The excruciating pain in my chest had eased a little, but it still hurt like hell. I could only come up with one way to fix it.
Maybe Lyssa is right, maybe I am crazy.
A frown creased the center of his brow. “Why’s your cheek swollen?” he asked, extending a hand to hook the back of my neck. He brought my face within inches of his for closer inspection. I took Hope from him, and he willingly gave her to me in order to study me further. A rough thumb lightly grazed my bruised skin. “Cora?”
“It’s a long story,” I said, avoiding his eyes. The last two days had been hell. I wasn’t even sure where to begin. “Can we go inside?”
With a nod he let go of my neck but reached for my hand, leading me inside the house. The home was sparse in furnishings since Cannon kept shit simple, but it was still welcoming as I breathed in a sigh of relief. This had become my safe haven, my refuge.
Or is it just him?
I dropped my bag to the floor and took a seat on the couch, settling the puppy in my lap.
Cannon folded his arms across his rippling chest, shifting on his feet. “Don’t cha wanna get dressed first?” I asked.
“I will. Right after you tell me whose ass I’m gonna kick for puttin’ their hands on you.”
Damn, this might be tougher than I thought.
My heart sank with dread as I fought for a steely breath. “Me and mama got into it last night. She was drunker than usual, calling me names and just being mean. I normally just let her rant, but for some reason, I’d had enough. So I fought
back. I said some real nasty shit. Let her know what a piece of shit mother she was, things like that. She said some even nastier shit, and then she hit me. Never saw it coming. She’s good at hurting me with words. She never had to use her fists, but I guess she’d had enough too. And I was scared to hit her back, even though I wanted to. I was afraid once I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Anyway, Lyssa came and got me and that was that.” Cannon took a seat next to me on the couch. I was suddenly very aware of his presence, of my entire situation, and what I was about to ask him next. “Do you think it would be ok if I stayed here with you for a while? Just until I can find my own place? Lyssa said I could stay with her, but she’s only got the one bedroom, and she’s so private and neat, I would drive her insane with my messy life.”
Cannon cupped my cheeks, his touch and the warmth in his eyes set me on fire. “Of course you can stay here.” He leaned in to kiss me and it took everything I had to pull away from the happiness in his eyes.
I shook my head and stared at my hands. “That’s not all I have to tell you.”
He tensed next to me, a wave of irritation followed. “There’s more?”
“Alexis,” I stated, meeting his eyes.
My voice cracked when I said her name and I cursed myself for allowing her to affect me this way.
“What about her?” He gritted and the air between us froze.
“After Lyssa came to pick me up, we went by Archer’s so I could find someone to cover my shift and figure out what I was gonna do next.” I attempted to pull in a calming breath, but every time I thought about what that bitch said to me, my anger became a boiling rage of fire. “After Jesse said he’d stay on for a double, I was working on my second drink when she walked up to me and asked if I was fucking her man. You. She was all up in my face, saying if I knew what was best for me I would stay the fuck away from you.” Cannon remained silent, anger pouring from his body in sheets of overwhelming heat. I continued. “If I didn’t need my job so damn bad I would have beat the shit out of her right there, but thankfully Archer was there to take care of it. I mean, I know you two had sex, but is she more to you? Do you love her?”