by K. Langston
I chose my words carefully before I spoke, knowing this could possibly be the last time we ever spoke. “I refuse to let any of that define me. Regardless of where I come from, I know exactly who I am and where I’m going. I’m a good person…loyal and strong. I’ve loved hard and fought harder for the people who matter the most to me. Family.” I lifted my chin, digging down deep for my inner strength. “And I know how to love without fear. Something you’ll never be able to do.”
I collected a step back when she flicked her cigarette at my feet, before slamming the shitty metal door in my face.
I didn’t cry.
Not a single fucking tear.
I’d cried enough. Tried enough. She was never going to change. Neither was I. So I didn’t cry. I held it together. All the way to the end of the street. All the way back across town. Until I got to the end of Old Mill Rd. Even after I pulled into Cannon’s driveway. But when I made it to the top step of the porch, he opened the front door, and that’s when it happened.
Love cures people-both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
~Karl. A. Menninger
Watching the woman you love cry in your arms is the most helpless feeling in the world. What I wanted to do was drive over to her mother’s house and give that cruel bitch a piece of my mind, but that wouldn’t solve a thing. She would still be meaner than hell and I would be locked up.
Instead I did the only thing I could do. I held her tight. Told her how much I loved her and gave her every ounce of comfort I could.
“I don’t want to ever see her again.”
“Shh…you don’t have to baby. Never.”
“How can a parent treat their child like they are nothing? I’ll never understand it.”
“Me neither.”
“You’re so lucky. Your parents are amazing. They love you so much.” She lifted her head from my chest, wiping her nose with a tissue. “You better go see them more often.” I smiled, wiping her smudged mascara from beneath her eyes, my heart warming in my chest. “I mean it, Cannon. You don’t know how lucky you are to have them. I would give anything to have that.”
“You do have that.”
Her head fell to my chest with a small sob. “I love you so much, Cannon.”
I scooted down the bed further, bringing my eyes level with hers. Cupping her face, I kissed each cheek, feeling the heat of her skin beneath my lips.
“Do you know how special you are?”
“I’m nobody special, Cannon. I am who I am, that’s all I’ll ever be.”
“Not to me. To me you’ll always be the girl who stole my heart. The one who invaded my dark, fucked up soul with all your beautiful and perfect light.”
More tears streamed down her face. I swiped my thumbs across her wet cheeks before bringing my lips to hers. “You. Are. Everything.” I said, stealing her breath in a kiss.
Let you hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.
~Robert H. Schuller
It hurt.
I had a feeling it always would. But I’d come to the conclusion that I would rather suffer the pain of her memory than suffer through a relationship with her. She was toxic, and sometimes you have to get rid of the bullshit to make room for the good shit.
Like Winston coming home.
The hearing was in two days. I was a nervous wreck. I tried to keep myself busy, but I couldn’t stop thinking what it would be like to have him here. I fixed up his room. Purchased a full size bed frame at Goodwill and splurged on a top of the line mattress. After sleeping on little to nothing all these years, I figured Winston would appreciate that. I’d also loaded up all the bags my mother had thrown out, and luckily I came when I did since I’d held on to a lot of personal things of his. A few of his favorite books, including To Kill a Mocking Bird and Catcher in the Rye. Old photos. Mostly of me and him. Doing all of these things filled me with hope, but there was always that niggling of doubt.
What if he doesn’t come home?
What if he…
No, I couldn’t think like that. I needed to stay positive and strong.
Cannon was a good distraction. He stayed here most nights or I stayed with him. It just depended on where we were and what we were doing. Sometimes when I came home from my shift, he would be in my bed waiting for me.
Like tonight.
When I saw his truck in my driveway, my nerves and the shit day I’d had faded away. After I went inside, changed clothes and washed my face, I crawled in bed next to him. Naked from the waist up, he smelled of fresh soap and home. I snuggled up close, placing my cheek on his chest.
“Hey, babe,” he said groggily, wrapping his arms around me.
“Hey.”
“How was your night?”
I let go of a tired sigh. “Long.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded against his chest. “How was your day?”
“Ok.”
I lifted my head to find dark shadows on his face, but I could still make out his eyes and they were troubled. “What is it?”
“Letter came today.”
He’d been dreading this since Nikki’s phone call. Cannon carried a lot of guilt over what happened to Landon. Unnecessary guilt, but guilt all the same. He was dealing with it one day at a time, in his own way. He’d come so far already. A far cry from the man I met nearly three years ago. I knew he would eventually find the peace he so desperately needed. In the meantime, I would give him comfort and love the only way I could.
My heart constricted in my chest as I pressed my lips to his. “Brave,” I whispered, softly kissing his lips. “Strong,” Then raised my hand to his face. “Mine,” I finished, rolling on top of him, earning myself a surprised gasp.
I straddled his thighs and pulled my t-shirt over my head before pressing my bare chest to his. His brave heart pounded in time with mine as I cupped his face, running my palm along his scruffy jaw, evoking tingles in every part of my body. I kissed him deep as he reached between us, shoving the fabric of my panties aside, so he could finger my slit. “Need this sweetness, baby,” he said, centering his cock. “Put it down on me.”
Lowering my hips, he filled me with an easy glide, my desire for him shamelessly guiding my efforts as I began to rock. My hands to his chest, I bounced my hips up and down, working him in and out of me at a deliciously slow pace.
“You look so beautiful ridin’ me,” Cannon said, his rough finger tips digging into my thighs. I threw my head back, grinding my hips. When I looked back down, his eyes were squeezed tight and his mouth was parted, allowing tiny puffs of air to escape each time I dropped back down. I leaned forward, taking his open mouth with mine, owning it and the moan that vibrated from his chest as he rolled us over. “My turn,” he grunted, slamming his hips to mine. He took over, pressing both hands into the mattress, thrusting in and out of me.
Eyes locked with mine, he fucked me with the perfect balance of rough and soft. His cock may have been unforgiving, but his eyes showed nothing but heated desire and a deep seated love.
“I love fuckin’ you. When you wrap those sexy legs around mine and take all of me. I live for that shit, babe. It’s like comin’ home every time. I belong here.” He lowered his mouth to my ear. “Forever.”
We came together, my fingers clutching the tight skin of his back, our breaths coexisting in the space between us.
His name poured from my lips in a succession of pleas as the love we were making poured from my heart and brought me to my knees.
Man does not control his own fate.
The women in his life do that for him.
~Groucho Marx
I never really thought about ever settling down, getting married. Even when I was younger, I never really looked that far ahead. But now, I wanted all of those things. Not right now. But eventually. A few years from now when we are both ready. I couldn’t see a future without Cora in it and now that she was mine, it scared me a little to know there was a chance I could lose her somehow.
&nb
sp; My unease over this brought me face to face with Archer this morning and had reduced me to begging for my job back.
“And why should I hire you back, especially with Cora working here?”
“Because I promise to keep our personal shit away from work.” He raised one brow, eyeing me skeptically. “C’mon Arch, I need this. If I fuck up again you can fire me for good, and I’ll even let you kick my ass.”
Archer let go of a deep laugh, slapping a hand to his desk with a loud smack. “You’re funny as fuck, you know that? Let me kick your ass…that’s the best shit I’ve heard all day.” He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand across his chin in concentration. “Tell you what, I’ll give you a job, one that pays a hell of a lot more than workin’ here.”
I leaned forward with interest. “I’m listenin’.”
“Well,” he started. “I’m looking to explore a new business venture, and I think you would be the perfect man to lead the steed.”
A half hour later I left his office with a huge smile on my face, anxious to tell Cora about my new job. I had to stop by my house first to grab a few things then I drove straight to her house. I made it back around two, but she wasn’t there so I texted her and decided to wait.
I took Hope for a walk. Washed my truck. Even took out the trash and did a load of laundry. When she came back home three hours later, I was pissed.
“Something wrong with your phone?” I asked, hotly.
Hope jumped from my lap to greet her, wagging her tail with a whine at her feet. She ignored the pup and dropped her bag in the chair next to me. “What are you doing here?” Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying. My anger diminished greatly but my concern was through the roof.
I stood up from the couch and walked over to her. “What’s the matter, babe?”
When she moved to walk past me I jumped in front of her before she could escape. Even when I wrapped my fingers around her upper arms to hold her in place, her eyes still refused mine. “Cora, look at me,” I demanded, but she just folded her arms and looked down at the floor.
“You’re freakin’ me the fuck out. Talk to me, baby. What’s goin’ on?”
Finally, she lifted her eyes to mine and what I saw there scared the shit out of me. She shrugged from my hold, collecting a step back and I swear to God my heart cracked a little. “I need you to leave. I don’t want you here.”
“What? What the hell are you talking about?” I reached for her but she retreated again. Fuck, every time she did that I died a little inside.
She wiped at her eyes furiously. “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” she said to the floor, her words knocking me a step back. “I’m…I’m still in love with Dent.”
Anger and pain unlike any I’d ever known pressed down on me. I found it hard to see, and I damn sure couldn’t find the air to breathe.
“What?” I managed to ask somehow, my chest manifesting an unbearable amount of pain when she finally answered.
“You can’t help who you love.”
I paced the floor, trying to stomp down the urge to scream and yell as I pulled at my neck. “Bullshit. You love me. I’m the one you want, not him.” I was so confused. I didn’t know what to think or what the hell to do.
“You’re right.” I stopped my pacing and found her eyes when she spoke again. “I do love you Cannon. But I love him more.” I blinked, not believing my ears or my heart…it refused to hear a fucking word she was saying. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Forgoing all rational thought, because my shattered heart was the one thinking for me, I closed the space between us and gripped her arms, pressing her into the wall. My face hovered inches above hers, my breath ragged and torn. “You’re a lying to me. Stop saying this shit and tell me the goddamn truth.”
Was this really happening or was my worst nightmare coming true? I closed my eyes, willing myself to wake up but when I opened them again, I was still there. And a hell of a lot more broken than I ever was before.
“You’re hurting me,” she said and I squeezed tighter, wishing it were her heart I was crushing and not the other way around.
I released her and took a step back. “What happened between this morning and now?”
Rubbing her arms, she sniffled. “Dent came by after you left this morning, begging for another chance. We’ve been together so long, Cannon. It’s not that easy to walk away.”
She was lying. I knew it, but why? What was she hiding? Or was it because of me? Maybe she was tired of dealing with all my emotional baggage.
Fuck, there was plenty of it.
With one hand I cupped her face, searching for the woman I fell in love with. The one whose smile made my heart breathe again. The one who kept the bad shit away. The only one I ever wanted. Hazel eyes found mine and I saw something there that terrified me. Those eyes, the ones I fell in love with every time they were locked with mine.
They fucking lied.
“Goodbye, Cannon.”
I kissed her lips, holding my breath as hope crept inside my heart, but she destroyed it when her hands shoved at my chest, shattering my soul into a million tiny pieces.
“Please, just leave.”
My fists clenched in time with my jaw, as blood roared through my ears. “I trusted you, with everything. And you can’t trust me? Do you know how much that hurts, Cora? This has nothing to do with Dent. You know it and I know it. Tell me what the hell is going on.” I slammed my fist to chest. “This shit is killin’ me.”
Falling to her knees, her body shook with a sob. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because there’s too much at stake.”
I dropped to my knees in front of her, reaching for her hands. “Then let me help you.”
She pulled them away, refusing to meet my eyes. “No.”
I wanted to fight. I wanted to beg her not to do this, but I didn’t. She didn’t trust me to share whatever it was tearing us apart. And that hurt more than anything.
So with my heart ripped to shreds, I stood up and walked away from the only woman I ever truly loved.
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
~Mark Twain
My mind had shifted into automatic. It was the only way I could survive. Because each day without Cannon was like a day without air. There was a black hole in my chest where our hearts once burned. Now it was filled to the rim with cold regret.
It hurt to breathe.
It hurt to feel.
I walked around in a daze most of the time, counting down the days until Winston was finally free. It was the only thing I had to look forward to anymore. The case had garnered a lot of media attention when Winston’s conviction was overturned. There had been journalists and reporters hounding me day and night following his story, especially after one of the guards at the prison sold a photo of Winston in his cell reading.
Facebook and Twitter blew up.
The photo went viral overnight. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen. Once people heard about his story, the outpouring of support was overwhelming. Even the community that had crucified him years before, protested outside of the courthouse for his freedom. It was so moving. Winston was speechless. And so was I. We never expected anything like this.
I’d almost told Cannon the truth, but I couldn’t risk Alexis doing anything to interfere with my brother’s case. We’d come way too far. I was a big fat coward. Every day I thought of ways I could have handled the situation differently, but then what would have been the outcome? Winston will be home soon and that’s all that mattered right now.
So I was waiting, biding my time until I knew it was safe. I could only pray Cannon would forgive me. And even if he didn’t, then at least he would know I still loved him.
I need him to know that.
Lying to him had been hard enough, but watching him walk away might have been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I would never forge
t his wet eyes or the anguish and pain in his voice.
My plan for today was to stay busy so I didn’t have to think about it. I started a load of laundry, had a cup of coffee and got ready for the day.
I ran a few errands in town before I stopped at the gas station to fill up. I was pumping gas, mindlessly going through the motions when I looked up and saw him parked on the other side of the pump. My heart hammered in my chest, our eyes locking for one breath stealing moment before he turned and looked away. There were only a few precious feet between us, but there may as well have been a million miles.
I would walk each and every one if it led me back to him.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. I watched helplessly as he replaced the pump THEN the gas cap, his jerky movements indicating that I was running out of time. He reached for his door handle when I finally found my nerve. “Cannon, wait!”
The muscles in his back rippled, his head falling forward between his shoulders. He turned around, looking me dead in the eye. The blue eyes that once shone nothing but love now pierced through my heart like an ice pick, sharp and cold. “Fuck you.”
He never gave me a second glance.
My stomach rolled with nausea as he drove away. Getting into my car, I tried not to break down.
I had to remember…this was all her fault.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
I thought Cannon had forgotten his key when he left this morning. I didn’t even look out the window before I flung open the door with a smile on my face, quickly realizing my mistake.
I scoffed, glaring back into her hollow eyes. “What do you want, Alexis?”