by TT Kove
‘Well, he’s getting locked away, no question about that. No matter what happens, he’ll be incarcerated, and I won’t have to be afraid anymore.’ I bent in on myself. ‘I’ve been afraid for so long, and after yesterday, I don’t have to be anymore. He’s off the streets now. No bail for him. Just prison. And I hope he rots in there.’ I really did. I didn’t want him to ever get out again.
‘How many years did he get?’
‘Eight,’ I whispered, terror coursing through me for a moment. Eight years and he’d be back out. Back out where I could meet him. Where he could find me. ‘Eight years.’
‘How does that make you feel?’
‘At first I was relieved because that meant that I would be free for the next eight years. But now it terrifies me because eight years isn’t that long, and then he’ll be back out again where he can seek me out and hurt me.’ My breath hitched involuntarily. ‘He’s made my life a living hell, and he only got eight years. It’s not fair.’
The tears were running again, like they’d done last night once the numbness after the verdict had worn off.
I’d had the same thought then as I was having now.
‘I don’t know what to do. Some days are bearable, but most days I just wish I’d pressed the razor a little bit deeper and taken just a few more pills.’
I had been so close only to wake up in the hospital and be told I’d been lucky, that I’d be all right. I hadn’t felt lucky. I’d felt anything but. Even with the truth finally out, with my mum actually believing me, I hadn’t felt any kind of fortune at my situation.
‘Have you taken your medication today, Josh?’
I cast around for a memory of taking them, but I couldn’t find any. Not from today. Not from yesterday either.
‘N-no.’ I didn’t like being dependant on pills, but I didn’t like feeling how I did now either. At least with the pills, I was a little calmer, a little more balanced, and a little less emotionally unstable.
‘Taking your medication is your job now. When you were hospitalised, you were given your dosage everyday so you wouldn’t forget, but now that you’re home it’s up to you.’
‘I know. I know that.’ I ran a hand through my hair. ‘It’s just been a difficult few days.’
‘All the more reason to take them.’
I knew he was right. He was always right.
And I was always a mess.
Nothing new there.
I walked out of therapy not feeling any better than I had going in. I didn’t know what to do with myself now that I was done either. Going back home meant being surrounded by everyone, which could be nice, but it could also lead to a disaster because my cousins were a bit too much at times.
I didn’t have anyone else though, did I?
Maybe I did.
He still hadn’t texted me, but he’d mentioned something about work before I’d left his flat that morning.
I’d asked him where he worked, and he’d told me the café was named Harriet’s, and that it was in Soho. There couldn’t be that many cafés by that name in Soho, could there?
I cast around for reasons to do one or the other, but I couldn’t come up with any, neither pros nor cons.
If I turned right, the way led towards home, but if I turned left, further into the city.
I took the left turn.
Damian
I was in the kitchen, washing dishes, when Leslie stuck his head in the doorway. I didn’t react, expecting him to be looking for Harriet.
‘Hey, Damian, there’s someone here asking for you. Or at least I think it was you.’ Leslie had a northern accent, which I sometimes found difficult to understand when I wasn’t paying attention, but that sentence wasn’t hard at all. It was very clear.
‘For me?’ I frowned as I snapped off the rubber gloves. He bobbed his head. ‘What do you mean you think it’s me?’ I wiped my hands on my apron. They were all clammy from the gloves.
‘He started asking, getting half your name out, then I think he saw something, and now he’s not saying anything at all.’
What?
I went to the front, confused as to what was going on. It couldn’t be me. Who would be here asking for me?
But it was.
It was Josh.
‘Josh?’
He was staring out the window, face expressionless, with a far-away look in his eyes. It seemed to be a lot more than him just being deep in thought, and it scared me.
‘Josh?’
I walked to his side, and when he still didn’t react, I snapped my fingers in front of his eyes.
He blinked and flinched away. Then his wide eyes settled on me, and recognition flashed in them.
I turned to Leslie, who was at the counter.
‘Okay if I take a second break?’
He nodded again, watching us both curiously.
I put my arm around Josh’s shoulders and led him into the back, to the room we used for changing and breaks.
I pushed him down on the sofa then sat down next to him.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I wanted to see you. You didn’t text me.’
‘I’ve been at work,’ I reminded him gently.
No matter how gentle my tone was though, he seemed to take it the wrong way.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.’
‘It’s okay,’ I assured him. ‘I don’t mind. I was just wondering.’
He seemed so frail where he sat, curled in on himself.
I put my hand on his shoulder blade and rubbed softly, hoping it would calm him down and reassure him that I really was fine with him being here.
‘What was that out there? You were completely checked out.’
His tongue flicked out to wet his lip.
‘I thought I saw him. I know, rationally, that it couldn’t be him because he’s in prison—but that man looked so much like him.’
I didn’t know what to say. I still didn’t know who he was, and I didn’t know what he’d done to cause Josh to be so afraid of him.
So I settled on just rubbing his back in what I hoped were soothing circles. I’d never done this before, never tried to make someone else feel better.
I don’t think I was any good at it because he didn’t seem to be feeling better.
‘You said you worked here, so I just wanted to stop by.’ He shrugged awkwardly.
‘That’s nice,’ was all I could think to say in return. It was nice that he wanted to see me again, but at the same time it was perhaps a little disturbing. Something was clearly wrong with him, and he’d come to me.
But he had said he didn’t have any friends.
Maybe he was just lonely?
I could understand that, though I mostly preferred being on my own.
And that letter he’d written me… Well, if that didn’t tell me he was lonely, then nothing could.
‘Do you want to do something later, once I’m off work?’ I found myself asking.
That simple question made him perk up.
‘You want that?’
I nodded.
‘Sure.’
How could such a simple question turn his mood around from depressed to hopeful? Was he that deprived from human companionship?
‘What do you want to do?’ He straightened up a bit, and his arms, which had been kept tight to his chest, finally fell to his lap. He had the journal I’d given him clutched in-between them.
I had no idea what I wanted to do.
What did people do when they spent time together?
‘How about going to the cinema?’
He nodded quickly.
‘I can pay for us.’
‘You don’t have to do that.’
‘I want to. Please. Let me do something for you. Just this small thing.’ His gaze was begging me, and I couldn’t help but relent to it. I didn’t want to say so out loud though, so I only nodded.
His reaction stunned me, because I received a smile in return. A smile so wid
e it showed teeth, and all I’d ever seen from him last night and this morning was a small one that barely turned the edges of his lips upwards.
The door opened, bringing my attention away from that smile. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not to see Harriet standing there.
‘Leslie said you took another break. Are you all right?’
Harriet owned the café, and she was the most wonderful boss one could ever wish to have. She was in her early thirties, with bright, auburn hair and green eyes.
Kind of the same colour as Josh’s, only a little lighter.
She was strict about her business, but fair about her employees. If something happened, she worried.
‘I’m fine.’ I glanced at Josh to find that the smile was gone, replaced by a frown as he watched Harriet. ‘I should get back to work.’
Harriet glanced between us.
‘It’s okay if you want to take a longer break. It’s slow out here now that the lunch rush is over. Les and I are fine on our own.’
I sank back down.
Harriet smiled at me.
‘I didn’t mean to interrupt. Les just said you went back here, so I was worried.’
‘That’s okay.’
She shut the door softly behind her, leaving me once again alone with Josh. He was still frowning, and I found myself watching him silently.
He blushed once he realised I was looking at him.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’ Maybe I was blushing a bit myself. I liked looking at him, even when he was frowning, and it was confusing. I’d never liked to look at anyone before now. In fact, I preferred to keep from looking too long at anyone ever.
‘When do you get off work?’
‘Couple of hours.’
‘Can I stay here? Wait for you?’
I finally dared to turn back to look at him.
He looked back at me hopefully.
‘Still don’t want to go home?’
He shook his head once.
‘I guess you can. I’m sure Harriet won’t mind.’
‘I can buy something, if that makes her happier,’ he offered.
‘Whatever you want to do.’ I smiled slightly then stood up again. ‘I really should get back to work. Sure you want to stay here and wait for me?’
He nodded.
‘Just one thing. Do you have a pen?’
I looked down at my apron just to double-check, as I knew I always had pens there. I handed one to him.
‘You okay?’
‘Yeah. Thanks.’ Another smile.
I didn’t have any more excuses to stay, so I turned and went back out into the café. Part of me wasn’t at all sure what I was getting myself into, while the other… The other prayed for the next two hours to go by quickly.
We decided on a comedy. Comedies were light and hopefully wouldn’t include some sappy romance that would make me squirm in my seat.
Besides, he needed some comedy in his life.
So did I for that matter.
He’d bought a small popcorn—salted, because sweetened was utterly disgusting. I wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, but when I’d mentioned it, he’d happily ordered salted.
‘It’s been a while since I’ve been to the cinema.’ He glanced around the big room. There weren’t that many people, since the film had been out for a while and those that were there were all sitting further down from us.
I was grateful I didn’t have anyone behind me. Having someone behind me, even if they weren’t directly, made me twitchy and nervous.
‘You want some?’ He held the popcorn out to me.
I looked down at it, originally intending not to as I hadn’t bought my own, but he seemed to be in such a good mood, and I didn’t want to dampen it. So I took a handful.
He smiled and turned back to the screen to watch the previews.
I couldn’t get my mind to focus on them.
All I could think about was him.
Was this just two mates hanging out? Or was this a date? Silver would call it a date, for sure, but I’d never been on one before. I didn’t know if I even wanted to be on one.
The film started on the screen. I was looking that way, but I didn’t see what was going on there. I was very much aware of Josh next to me, of his shoulder almost brushing up against mine.
So if this was a date…
What was to be expected?
I should’ve asked Silver. But I hadn’t known this morning I would find myself in a cinema with Josh. I’d only met him the day before, after all. I’d never anticipated actually developing any kind of feelings for him. How could that even be possible when we’d just met? There should be some kind of rule against that.
I jumped three feet in the air when his hand slid over to tentatively grab mine. I held my breath as he hesitated for a long moment then entwined our fingers when I didn’t make a move to remove my hand.
His hand was soft and dry, whereas I was pretty sure my own was sweating by now.
My heart beat a double rhythm. It felt almost like it was about to beat out of my ribcage. I was suddenly desperate to watch the film, but I could feel him staring at me.
‘What?’ My voice was hoarse, and I managed to turn my head around to meet those green eyes.
‘I’m sorry.’ He turned his head back around so quickly I was afraid he’d get whiplash.
‘Why are you always apologising? You don’t have to do that.’
‘What else can I say?’ he replied in a murmur. ‘I know I’m intense. I know my mood swings are exhausting to other people. I’m a handful and I know it.’
What?
How did we go from me asking why he was looking at me to him degrading himself?
‘You could just answer my question.’
He drew his bottom lip in-between his teeth.
‘I like looking at you. You’re… appealing.’
Appealing?
‘Okay. Thanks. I guess.’
His head turned back to me, and his eyes were big and wet.
I felt caught in a cross-fire. Had I said something wrong? I didn’t… think so. I cast around for anything, but as socially awkward as I was, I wasn’t sure I could recognise it if it hit me in the face.
‘D-do you?’ His voice was shaking.
‘Do I what?’
‘Like me?’
That was it?
‘Yeah.’ It came out on a low breath, but his brightening expression told me he heard me loud and clear.
He smiled sheepishly.
‘Can I—Can I just—?’ He didn’t finish the question, but instead leant in to kiss me.
His lips were soft and warm, and this was a lot more of a kiss than last night had been. It was my second kiss, period. When he’d kissed me last night, that had been my first.
I’d never kissed a person before, and now I’d kissed him twice.
Or did last night count, as I hadn’t reciprocated? Since I’d pushed him away?
I’d never given kissing any thought. I hadn’t understood what people liked about it so much.
Now I knew.
Feeling someone else’s lips against my own… I didn’t like being close to people, but being close and intimate with Josh? It wasn’t like anything I’d ever felt before.
His tongue ran over my lips now, and I tried my best to reciprocate. It was a rather clumsy attempt, but it was my first reciprocated kiss, so I reckoned it would have to do.
Josh was a good kisser, and he was much more confident of himself than I was.
I pulled away only when I felt the need to breathe. I didn’t pull far away though, only so much so that our lips were close but not touching.
Josh’s eyes fluttered open, and we stared at each other. We were so close our noses bumped together, so close I could feel his warm breath on my own lips.
This was new, and instead of being terrifying as I’d always thought it would be—it was exciting.
‘I like you,’ he whispered. His eyes were staring into mine
while he said it, without even blinking, so he couldn’t be lying.
‘How can you?’ I asked, confused and excited all at once. ‘You don’t know me.’
‘You don’t have to know a person to like him. To be in love with him, yes, but not to be attracted to him.’
That was… true. After all, wasn’t I attracted to him too? I didn’t know him any better than he knew me.
‘We could get to know each other. I would like that.’
‘What would that entail?’ Why couldn’t I just say yes? I did want to get to know him.
‘I don’t know.’ He pulled back further, and I experienced an intense need to pull him back in close. I didn’t though, just watched him silently. ‘More of what we just did, hopefully.’
I swallowed.
‘So you want a relationship?’
He blinked, suddenly uncertain.
Maybe that was my fault, because of all my questions.
‘Yes?’
‘You’re not sure?’ I cocked my head to the side.
He pulled even further away from me.
‘If you don’t want to, all you have to do is say so.’ He stood up, shoved his bowl of popcorn at me then brushed past me with his journal pressed tightly to his chest.
‘Josh—‘
What the hell?
‘Just don’t!’ His voice was thick, and he continued walking to the edge of the row. ‘It’s okay. I get it. I wouldn’t want to get to know me either.’ And with that he bolted.
I was shocked.
What had caused such an extreme reaction in him?
He was high and he was low and definitely not somewhere in-between, not ever. Either he was really sad, or he was really happy. Wasn’t there some sort of middle-ground?
And what the heck was I supposed to do with a bowl of popcorn I hadn’t even wanted in the first place?
I threw it in the rubbish as I left the cinema.
Josh
I messed it up. It had such good potential and then I messed it up.
No, wait, he messed it up. What was he asking all those questions for? He didn’t want it, I could tell. And I’d liked him so much. Kind, handsome, and he’d seemed to like me too… Only he didn’t.
Why can’t anyone ever just like me for me?
Why can’t I ever be good enough?
Why doesn’t he like me?