by TT Kove
What did I do wrong?
4
Chance Meeting
Josh
I am so embarrassed.
There’s no excuse for the way I acted last night. I’m not sure anymore if he was rejecting me. I think he might’ve not been, you know? I don’t know. I don’t read people well.
Vincent says I have this black-and-white mentality. That it’s a standard thinking pattern for my diagnosis. That the embarrassment and shame is too. But I still feel. All of it. It’s so all-consuming, I don’t even know what to do.
So I cut. That’s what I do right?
Cut. Cut. Cut.
I can’t stop. Can’t ever quit. Quitting would kill me because the cutting is what keeps me grounded. Mostly, anyway. Or no, not even mostly. Sometimes.
One wrong word, one question too much, and I fly off the handle.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much.
How can I ever expect him to like me when I can’t even like myself?
I was in therapy four days a week. Two days with Vincent, just the two of us, and then two days of group therapy with other people who had deep issues like me.
Group therapy wasn’t new to me—I’d had to participate in it when I’d been hospitalised too—but these people were. I couldn’t seem to get comfortable around them, nor had I with the members of the group in the hospital.
I preferred one-on-one conversations, but Vincent thought group was a good idea and so did my mum. Though she tended to agree with Vincent on most things, him being a professional and all.
When I walked in the door, I was sure I was the first person to arrive, until I saw Mal sitting huddled on the chair furthest away from the door. He was wearing his standard baggy clothes. His jumper was so big he could draw the sleeves down to cover his hands entirely, bunch the fabric in his palms, and still not have stretched the fabric out much. He also had the hood up and his head bowed, and I knew he was having a bad day.
‘Hey, Mal.’ I sunk down on the chair next to him.
Mal was the person who had experiences most resembling my own. We had a lot in common, him and me, when it came to our pasts and our current inability to stop mutilating our own bodies. We even shared the same diagnosis.
One eye peeked up at me.
‘Hey,’ he muttered. His voice was low and hoarse, like he’d been crying. Or screaming. Either was likely. I knew from my own experience.
‘You all right?’
I knew he wasn’t. I could see he wasn’t. But I didn’t know what else to say. I’d never actually spoken to Mal before, outside of the group circle.
He didn’t answer me though.
He didn’t have to.
And I didn’t say anything else. I just clutched my journal to my chest and sunk down further on the chair.
I never used to be early for group because I was afraid of situations like these. The awkward ones where I had to make small talk. I didn’t do small talk. I messed things up with that.
But everything had been a mess of people at home. My cousins were too much, and I’d left just to get some peace and quiet.
Though the noise sure could help dull my own thoughts. The embarrassment and the shame still sat deep after last night. I didn’t know what to do about it. Doing nothing would mean continuing feeling like this, but actually doing something… then I’d have to face it. I didn’t think I could.
People were starting to arrive now, and I heard Mal heave a sigh next to me as the room began to fill. Maybe we even felt the same about group therapy. Maybe we had a lot more than just our pasts in common.
I wanted to speak to him.
The sudden feeling, the need, to get to know him better was overwhelming. He knew—he understood. He wouldn’t judge me, no matter what. Because we were so much alike. We both even had blond hair, though I was pretty sure he had brown eyes instead of green ones.
I cast around for something to say, but it was too late now. There were other people here, which meant Mal would prefer to talk as little as possible. So would I, for that matter.
I didn’t like group. It was too many people.
I didn’t do well when things got to be too much.
I was halfway on my way to Soho before I realised the direction I was going.
I stood on a street corner, anxious about which choice to make. I’d been brave yesterday. I’d gone to his job to see him.
I wasn’t so brave today.
I headed back home.
The house was quiet when I entered, and I let out the breath I hadn’t even known I was holding. I stepped out of my shoes and shrugged out of my jacket, then put them in their proper place before heading towards my bedroom.
When I opened the door and a dark shadow sat up straight in my bed, my heart nearly beat a path out of my chest.
‘Hey, cousin.’ Cooper grinned at me, all mischievous. A bottle dangled from two of his fingers, and when I peered at it, I saw it was Vodka.
‘What are you doing?’ I switched the overhead light on so I could see better and then took a tentative step inside.
‘Waiting for you.’ Cooper moved around on my bed until he was sitting cross-legged.
We were alike, Cooper and I. It was easy to see we were cousins. He had his mother’s looks, and my aunt was the spitting image of my own mum, who I got my looks from. The only differences were the shape of his face, his blue eyes, and the fact that he was a little taller than me.
And he didn’t have arms covered in scars.
I closed the door behind me and went over to sit on my desk chair.
‘Anything special?’ I hadn’t spoken much to Cooper since they’d all arrived. Cooper kept to himself, and whenever I’d been home, I’d been surrounded by the rest of the family.
‘We’re leaving on Sunday. I just thought we could spend some time together before then, you know? I had this brilliant idea that you need to get your mind off of stuff, so I nicked this from your mother’s cabinet.’ He tilted the bottle towards me. ‘I was thinking we could go out tonight. Get smashed out of our wits.’
Now that was a good idea. Alcohol worked just as well to dull the senses as cutting. It even lasted longer.
Cooper held the bottle out to me.
I took it.
Damian
Why had I said yes to dinner?
I’d regretted it the moment I walked in the door of my uncle and aunt’s house, when it turned out Chloe had brought her new girlfriend over to meet the family.
Chloe and I were the same age. She was my aunt’s sister; I was my uncle’s nephew, but we’d grown up together in this house. If I were more receptive to other people, I’d go so far as to say we were like siblings because we honestly should’ve been.
But I wasn’t very receptive to other people, and she didn’t understand me, and so we had absolutely nothing in common. That didn’t mean I didn’t love her, because I did. We just didn’t have much to say to each other.
I hadn’t even known Chloe was bisexual, and now here I was, faced with another woman. She wasn’t as feminine as Chloe, more of a tomboy perhaps. She seemed okay. Less energetic than Chloe, anyway, which was always a plus in my book. Chloe could exhaust me sometimes.
Dinner was an affair in itself. Everyone was talking around me.
Ray and Claire, my uncle and aunt, conversed with Chloe and Quinn, trying their best to be open and friendly, getting to know Quinn better. Mathilda and Matthew, my young cousins, were talking amongst themselves, and sometimes breaking into the adults’ conversation.
It all gave me a headache. I was glad when dinner was over and the children were sent off to watch the telly in the living room.
I wondered how long I would have to stay. When could I leave without it being rude?
Again, I had no idea, because this wasn’t a situation I’d ever been in before.
I should text Silver. He would know.
‘Damian.’ Chloe turned to me. She smiled widely and her eyes were practically shining.
She’s happy, I realised.
I wondered if I would ever be so obviously happy about anything. Certainly not with Josh, as that seemed to have ended before it even started.
‘What?’ I moved on my chair, trying to find a comfortable position. I couldn’t find one.
‘Quinn and I are going out later. I think you should join us.’ She didn’t phrase it as a question because she knew I’d just say no then.
‘Why?’ I frowned, suspicious all of a sudden.
Chloe never asked me to go out with her. She had a life she enjoyed, a social one, whereas I was the loner who never got close to anyone. We were like night and day: we didn’t go together.
‘Because you seem down. You’ve hardly said a word all evening. Maybe it’ll cheer you up? If not, at least you’ll get out for a bit.’ Her smile wasn’t as wide anymore, but it was still directed at me. It was eerie. People hardly ever smiled at me.
I didn’t particularly want to go out. But what else did I have? To go home to my bedroom and bury myself in some book? That wasn’t exactly alluring at the moment either.
‘On one condition,’ I said, and once she raised her eyebrows in question, I continued, ‘If I can ask Silver to come too.’
It might be cowardly, but I didn’t want to go out to some pub or club without my best friend.
He was the sociable one of the two of us, but he was also loyal. He wouldn’t leave me all alone, like I was pretty sure Chloe would once she got a few drinks in her and met people she knew.
She wasn’t the type of person to stick to my lonesome side all night.
Her smile widened.
‘Of course. Silver is great!’
I knew they knew each other. They weren’t close, but ever since Chloe started her trainee-period as a hairdresser, Silver had gone to her to get his hair cut. I usually preferred to go to someone I didn’t know, but maybe going to Chloe would make her happy? Silver was adamant she was good.
I shot off a text to Silver, hoping he would say no. If he said no, I could back out of it. I wasn’t about to go anywhere with Chloe and her girlfriend by myself.
Sadly, he was free and more than happy to come along.
Why couldn’t anything ever go my way?
The club was crowded, loud, and stuffy. Everything I’d anticipated before we’d even gone out.
It wasn’t my scene at all.
I never went out because I knew I didn’t like it, that I wouldn’t be comfortable. I preferred to stay in my comfort zone, thank you very much.
‘Cheer up, mate.’ Silver bumped my shoulder with his. ‘It’s only one night. You can do all your regular boring stuff every other night.’
I glowered at him.
‘This is your scene. Not mine.’
He grinned widely.
‘And it’s a wonderful scene too.’
His eyes strayed, and then he nodded.
I turned to see what he was directing my attention towards. I couldn’t pin-point anything out of the ordinary.
‘See that green-haired bloke at the bar over there?’
Now that he mentioned green hair… yes, I did see him. Small, petite, with green hair.
‘What about him?’ I eyed him suspiciously. Who dyed their hair green?
‘He’s Chloe’s workmate.’ Silver couldn’t take his eyes off the bloke.
‘He’s the reason you said yes to go out with them?’
‘Not at all. He’s just a bonus.’ He turned his focus back to me. ‘I don’t think he knows me though.’
‘Get Chloe to introduce you then,’ I said, like it was the easiest thing in the world. It had to be, right? He knew Chloe; Chloe knew what’s-his-name. What was the big deal? I didn’t know Silver to be shy.
‘Maybe I will.’ His focus was drawn over my shoulder and his grin fell away. ‘Hey, D, isn’t that your bloke?’
‘What?’ I grimaced.
When he continued to stare over my shoulder, I turned around to follow his line of sight and found he was right.
Not that Josh could be called mine in any kind of sense, but it was him.
He was leaning against the wall and seemed to be struggling to straighten up. He took a step forward, instantly stumbled, and leant back against the wall.
I took a step towards him, worried.
He seemed to have trouble keeping his eyes open too.
When he suddenly fell to his knees, I was at his side in an instant.
‘Josh?’ I touched his shoulders tentatively, not at all sure my touch would be welcome.
He lifted his head with great struggle and peered up at me.
‘H-hey.’ He even had trouble talking.
‘He’s smashed, D.’ Silver was at my side, also crouched down. ‘Better get him outside.’ I nodded jerkily and together we got Josh up on his feet and out of the club.
‘Cooper,’ Josh mumbled.
‘What?’ I turned my head to look at him.
‘Cooper’s in there.’
‘Who’s Cooper?’ Something big and dark flashed through me, and I let go of him.
Silver wasn’t prepared, and Josh crashed to the ground.
‘Shit!’ I kneeled down, guilty I had let him go in the first place. ‘Are you all right?’
Josh groaned and cradled his head in his arms.
I looked up at Silver for help. I had no idea what to do. I’d never dealt with anyone who was drunk before.
‘You should get him home.’ Silver could clearly see my panic. ‘Get him to drink a lot of water, then put him to bed. He needs to sleep it off.’
‘You mean take him to our place?’ I frowned.
‘Yeah, why not? He needs to be looked after.’ Silver took his phone out and pressed a few buttons. ‘I’ll call you a taxi.’
‘Wha—wait!’ But he didn’t listen to me. Instead he stood up and walked a few feet away to talk.
I looked back down at Josh, who was groaning. I rubbed his back.
I wasn’t sure he’d appreciate being taken back to my place, not with me. Not after the way last night had ended. But I couldn’t leave him either, not in the state he was in.
Not after the way something had jolted in me when he’d mentioned another bloke’s name.
Was that jealousy?
It was the first time I’d felt anything like it.
‘Taxi’ll be here in a minute.’ Silver was back at our side. ‘You want me to come back with you?’
‘I don’t know.’ I kept rubbing Josh’s back, hoping it would soothe me just as much as him.
I had no idea what I was doing, what I was supposed to do.
Silver must have sensed it or seen it.
‘I’ll go back with you.’
I lifted my head.
‘Don’t you have a green-haired bloke to woo?’
He chuckled.
‘I can do that some other day. He’s not going anywhere.’ Silver crouched back down so we were at eye-level. ‘This is more important now.’
I couldn’t even begin to say how grateful I was.
A little over a year ago now, on the first day of my last year in college, he’d sat down next to me at lunch and that had been it. I couldn’t even say how exactly we’d got talking, but we’d been friends since. And he really was a good friend.
I didn’t need anyone else as long as I had Silver; I doubted someone else could ever fill the role of best friend as well as he did.
The taxi pulled up eventually and we both had to struggle to get Josh into the car.
He leant against me on the drive home, halfway asleep. He protested weakly when we had to get him out of the car again and into the flat.
‘I’ll get him some water,’ Silver said once we’d put him down on the sofa.
Josh had lain down, eyes closed, but they fluttered open slightly now to look at me where I stood next to him, uncertain what to do.
‘You know what’s wrong with me?’
‘Uh, no.’ I wasn’t sure if it was a question he expected an answer to
or not. An answer I should know. Because I had no idea.
‘They say I’ve got brain damage. Severe brain damage. It’s like I’ve got third-degree burns in my mind.’ He touched his head with a shaking hand. ‘Brain damage. Like I’ve been hit in the head or something. But I haven’t. He’s ruined me. Not just my body but my mind. How’s that even possible?’ A few tears slipped from his eyes and trickled down his temples into his hair.
I frowned again now and sat down on the edge of the table.
Brain damage?
I never would’ve guessed he had such a serious condition. I couldn’t know for sure how smart he was, but he seemed like a normal bloke at first glance, unless I counted the swinging moods.
‘I feel everything so much deeper and longer and more intensely than normal people. Apparently I have a way of thinking in black-and-white. What does that even mean?’ More tears trickled, and he turned his head away to face the back of the sofa. ‘My emotions are all over the place. You know what they call it?’
I shook my head, trying to digest everything he was saying. How could he go from a stuttering mess at the club to suddenly sharing all of this?
Maybe he just really needed to talk to someone and the alcohol brought it out more easily.
‘No.’
‘Borderline personality disorder.’ He sniffled. ‘Not just a mental illness, but bloody brain damage. Or are all mental illnesses brain damage?’ He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing more tears to trickle. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t want this. I never asked for it. Not once.’
I had a feeling his last words weren’t about the disorder or the brain damage, but I couldn’t know for certain because he’d stopped talking now. He trembled, arms wrapped around himself.
‘Here.’ A glass of water was thrust in front of my face.
I looked up at Silver.
He stared down at me, eyes dark and swirling. He’d heard. He must’ve.
‘Get him to drink that. All of it. I’ll go get a bucket in case he gets sick during the night.’
I nodded then focused back on Josh as Silver went to the bathroom. I managed to prop him up a bit, and I put the glass to his lips, tilting it carefully.