by TT Kove
‘Where have you been?’
‘With a friend.’ To think that I could actually say that out loud and it wasn’t a lie.
‘A friend?’ Her eyebrows drew together.
I could tell she didn’t believe me.
‘I can have those, you know,’ I snapped, my mood doing a quick turn-over. ‘He’s the only one, but he is my friend.’
The frown disappeared, but it was replaced by a sad expression.
‘Of course you can have friends, Joshua. It was just the first I’d heard of it, was all.’ She turned away, towards the kitchen. ‘Will you come with me for a bit? I want to talk to you about something.’
I followed her, cautious. What could she possibly want to talk about?
‘Where are the others?’ The flat was silent for once.
‘They went out.’ Mum texted something on her phone. She caught me looking at it, suspicious now. ‘I’m just letting Mother know you’re home. She’s been worried sick about you, too. They all have.’
‘They don’t have to worry. I’m fine.’ I sunk down on one of the kitchen chairs, and she took the one opposite me. Again I could tell she didn’t believe me, and I was instantly miffed again. ‘As fine as I can be.’
I’d folded my hands on the table and she reached over now to cover them with her own.
‘This is hard for all of us, but especially for you. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking now.’
No, she couldn’t. She’d never had the satisfaction of seeing her abuser put behind bars. But once she found out, she’d been relentless in putting Andrew behind them.
To protect me.
She’d left me in his care only to find out he hadn’t really cared for me at all.
I was aware of her sitting in front of me, her blonde hair cut into a straight bob, but I could also see her with her hair longer, past her shoulder, and her eyes filled with tears.
‘I’m so sorry.’
I tilted my head in her direction.
‘What’re you sorry for?’
‘For not seeing the signs.’ She turned her head away so I couldn’t look at her anymore. ‘I should’ve seen the signs of what was going on, of what he was doing to you.’
‘He was very careful not to let you know.’ My lap had become very interesting all of a sudden.
‘I still should’ve seen them. I should’ve seen the signs better than anyone.’ Her hands were balled into fists, gripping the fabric of her trousers in-between them.
Those words held meaning, I could feel it.
‘What do you mean?’ My voice shook.
She hesitated with her answer, and I could see the internal struggle going on due to the rapid changes in her expression. Even in profile they were obvious.
‘I’ve never told anyone this before, and now I’m sitting here, telling you. I know I haven’t been a good mum for you, that I’ve left you to your own devices—to him—and that I’ve been largely absent. I am so sorry about that. I never meant to be absent from your life, to not even know you. For sixteen years I ignored my own son, leaving him in the single care of my husband while I focused on my career. It’s no excuse though to ignore you, it really isn’t. I am so ashamed, and all I can do is tell you how sorry I am and how much I want to make it up to you. If that’s even possible at this point.’
I heard what she was saying, every word of it, but my mind had stuck on her first sentence and I couldn’t let it go. ‘What’d you mean? What’ve you never told anyone?’ My voice still shook, but it also demanded answers. I needed to know.
She glanced up at me, but when our eyes met, she quickly turned away again.
‘I should’ve seen the signs because—‘ She took a shaky breath. ‘Because I’ve been exactly where you are, Joshua.’
My eyes widened. ‘W-what?’
‘I’ve been a victim of sexual abuse too.’ She closed her eyes as if she was in pain. She probably was. I knew better than anyone just how much the inside could hurt. I bet talking about it had her remembering it all over again and I shuddered at the thought.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was frozen in place.
‘You? But—Who? Who did that to you?’
She pressed her lips together into a small line.
‘My father.’ It came out as a bitter snarl, like the word was the worst of curses. ‘For four very long years he did things to me. Then he was diagnosed with cancer and died. Months of pain were what he got, because the cancer had already spread and there was nothing they could do. I didn’t feel sorry for him. I was happy he was suffering. Karma had come back and properly bitch-slapped him in the face. He got what he deserved, and when he died, I was happy then too. I would never have to see his face again, I would never have him crawling into my bed.’
My throat had gone dry. ‘How old were you?’
‘From when I was ten until I was fourteen.’
Four years of violation. Not even half of my ten, but it was still four years too much. At least Andrew wasn’t related to me by blood. He was just my stepfather. She’d been violated by her very own dad, the man whose genes she shared.
‘Does Grandma know?’
She looked back at me, eyes a dark green. ‘No. And she never will. Promise me you’ll never tell her, Joshua. You’re the only one I’ve ever told. Not even Abbi—my own sister—knows what a bastard of a father we had. Knowing this would destroy Mother and she doesn’t deserve that.’
‘I won’t tell.’ I understood her, because I hadn’t wanted anyone to know about my circumstances either. But once I’d woken up and had been told I would be fine, that I would have no damage from the pills and that I would be able to go back home… I’d lost it. I couldn’t go back home when he would be there.
And Mum had been there. She’d listened, with tears trickling, and now I finally got to hear her story.
She turned to me again. ‘It saddens me that I’ve shut you out so completely you didn’t feel like you could ever come to me with this. I never had time—I didn’t care enough—to get to know you properly, so I never even imagined anything was wrong. I’m so sorry, Joshua.’ The tears were overflowing now, trickling slowly down her cheeks.
‘It’s okay. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.’ I was so ashamed and humiliated. Used as my own stepfather’s blow-up doll and punching bag for ten years, and then failing at committing suicide when I’d finally had enough. When I couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Joshua!’
I was startled out of the memory, or flashback, or whatever it was called when the present just fell away from me.
‘Mum?’
Her eyes searched my face again, alert and worried.
‘You spaced out. For a long time.’
‘I’m sorry, I was just—‘ My head felt fuzzy and I pressed my hands to my temples, hoping it would settle down. ‘Remembering. I was just remembering something.’
She took a deep breath. ‘You do that sometimes. Like you just check out for a bit. It scares me.’
She just used the same words Damian did.
Back when he’d witnessed it, I’d been remembering Andrew though, not my mother telling me of her own abusive past.
‘I’m okay.’
‘Are you really though?’ She leant forward, gaze fixed on me.
I twitched in discomfort.
‘What’d you mean?’
‘I don’t think you’re okay.’ Her hands clenched and unclenched on the table in front of her. ‘You know Mother and the rest of them are leaving tomorrow, right?’
I nodded.
Where was she going with this conversation?
‘I think you should go with them?’
In even less than a blink of an eye, she’d ruined everything.
‘You want to send me away?’ I stood up so quickly my chair fell with a crash to the floor. ‘You want to be rid of me again? Hospitalisation wasn’t enough, now you want to ship me off to Bristol too?’
‘Joshua,
no, that’s not—‘
I stormed out of the kitchen and slammed my bedroom door behind me, then locked it to be certain she wouldn’t come in.
I paced the floor, since I didn’t know what else to do.
She wanted to send me away. I’d just come home not long ago, and already she was tired of me. How could she do that to me? Didn’t she understand? I just wanted her to love me—to want me there with her!
I hit myself without really registering I even did it. Stomach, chest, head. Hitting myself everywhere I could reach.
It wasn’t enough. It didn’t hurt.
I tore the room apart looking for something sharp. Books on my desk were shoved to the floor, my nightstand was upended in my hurry to get the drawer out. Once I found a razor, one of those small yet deadly sharp ones, I pulled my shirt-sleeve up and ripped off the gauze.
I didn’t even feel it. I could see my fingers holding it, could see it cutting into skin, slashing over it and leaving trails of blood in its wake. But I didn’t feel it.
Why couldn’t I feel it?
‘Joshua!’ Mum knocked frantically on my door. I could hear her sobbing. ‘Open up! Joshua, please!’
Cut, cut, cut.
Feel, feel, feel.
Except I didn’t. I didn’t feel it.
My chest hurt, my head hurt, but nothing on the outside. The outside was numb, dead.
I screamed. I wasn’t sure if I did it out loud or if I just did it in my head, but it had me on my knees on the floor, bending over until I had my face buried in the crook of my elbows.
Blood was everywhere; on my arms, on my face, in my hair, on the floor.
And I still didn’t feel it.
6
Swirling Emotions
Damian
Silver was on the sofa, sprawled out, with his head resting against the back of it. He seemed to be deep in thought.
‘Hey,’ I said, hoping I wouldn’t startle him. Though opening and closing the front door should’ve done that in the first place.
He blinked, then slowly tilted his head further back so he could see me.
‘Hey. I might’ve done something today that’s not exactly ethically correct.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I wrestled my trainers off and put them away, then shrugged out of my thin summer jacket.
‘Chloe texted me today. She wants to get a tattoo done. I told her I’d do it for free one night, after work, if she brought Kian with her.’
‘Kian?’ That name did not ring a bell.
‘The green-haired bloke I pointed out to you last night?’
‘Oh. Right.’ I went to sit down on the two-seater.
‘That’s all you’ve got to say?’ He’d lifted his head off the back of the sofa now so he could continue to watch me.
‘Is there anything else to say?’
‘I just bribed Chloe with a free tattoo so she’d bring a bloke I like. A bloke I haven’t even spoken to before.’ Silver ran his hands over his face. ‘Does it get more pathetic than that?’
‘You’re asking the wrong person, mate.’
‘Not anymore, I’m not.’ His lips split into a grin. ‘How was your day?’
‘Fine.’ I tried not to look at him, but his scrutiny made it hard.
‘Where’ve you been?’
‘The Camden Markets.’
‘With that bloke of yours?’
‘His name is Josh. And yeah.’ It had been a nice day. I’d managed to get through it without saying anything that sent him running, like the last time. That was progress.
‘About him. I stopped by V’s office after work and we had a little chat.’
‘Yeah?’ My interest was piqued now and I leant forward. ‘What’d he have to say?’
‘A lot. He gave me a few links to relevant websites.’ Silver reached into his pocket and produced a folded up note. I took it, but I didn’t open it. ‘What I said last night, about you needing to be sure… You do, D. This is heavy shit. You need to be absolutely committed to it.’
Before, I would say I wasn’t.
But now… I did like Josh, a lot. He drew me in like no one else ever had, even if he had his faults.
But once I read up on his disorder, I was pretty sure those faults weren’t anything he could help. I needed to look it up as quick as possible, because I wanted to understand him and what he was struggling with.
‘You’re really gone on him, aren’t you?’
I snorted.
‘No.’
‘Ha. You are.’
‘Says the one who has to bribe Chloe because he’s too wimp to talk to the bloke he’s got a crush on.’ I might’ve admitted to having a crush, but it was actually quite satisfying to have something over Silver for once.
He was the one people liked, who was out and socialised, and who usually didn’t have a problem going after what he wanted.
I didn’t know why he couldn’t just talk to the bloke though. Silver was confident, good-looking, and he had both blokes and girls falling all over for him.
I wasn’t jealous of him or anything like that, because I definitely didn’t want the attention he tended to get, but I did wish I could be as comfortable in my body as he was in his.
Silver groaned and dropped his head back again.
‘I am pathetic.’
‘I’m really not a person to judge. Whatever works for you.’
I rose from the sofa and went to get my laptop from my desk. I curled back up in the two-seater with it, and finally opened it. It took a couple of minutes to start up, but once it had I got online and typed in the first link.
Silver watched me out of the corner of his eye.
‘You really are invested in this, aren’t you?’
‘It’s only been a few days, but I like him. Today was good. We had a good time. He might have issues, but he’s also very kind and compassionate and sweet.’
The website loaded and I clicked on the link that said about borderline personality disorder.
‘It’s not about, you know, sex. I still don’t want it. But I guess kissing is nice and I like being around him.’
‘Still asexual, huh?’
‘Why do you sound disappointed?’
‘Because sex is great! How many times do I have to explain that to you?’
‘Explain it all you want. It’s not going to matter one way or another.’ I skimmed over the first paragraph, which explained that it was a mental illness marked by unstable moods, behaviour and relationships.
Well, I didn’t know about his relationships, but his mood and behaviour were certainly unstable. Sad and depressed one moment, then seemingly happy in the next.
Silver was silent after that. He turned the telly on and switched through the channels.
I continued to read up on the links his brother had provided me with.
An incessant knocking on the door broke the comfortable silence.
Silver rolled his head towards me.
‘Feel like dealing with that?’
I put my laptop down and got up to open the door.
I stepped back in surprise as Josh fell into my arms. He must’ve been leaning on it, and I caught him, keeping him standing. He had a hood drawn over his head and he pressed his face against my collarbone while his hands fisted in my shirt.
The good mood from earlier was gone. This was bad, I could feel it. It was much worse than me saying something wrong, causing him to storm off from the cinema.
I knew it was a lot worse when my hands, which had grabbed onto his arms, came away wet with blood.
‘Josh.’ My breath hitched. He wore a rather thick hooded jumper and the forearms were soaked through with blood.
‘You won’t leave me, will you?’ His voice was muffled, as he still had his face buried against my collarbone.
‘No.’ I hoped that wasn’t a promise he would ever remember me making though, because I couldn’t tell what would happen in the future.
‘She wants to send me away.’
/>
‘Who does?’
‘My mum. She wants to ship me off to Bristol. She wants to be rid of me.’
‘I’m sure that’s not what she meant.’ Then again, who was I to give advice on mothers? Mine wasn’t a role model I could go by.
After all, she’d—I shied away from it before I could dig up all the memories I did my best to keep buried. Bringing them back to the forefront of my mind wouldn’t lead to anything good.
‘It was! It is! She doesn’t want me around anymore. She loves her career and I’m too much of a liability!’ He was crying now, I could tell from the way he sniffled and his voice had changed octaves.
I put my hands on his upper arms, hoping he hadn’t cut that far up. The fabric wasn’t heavy with blood there thankfully, so I squeezed a bit, hoping it was comforting.
‘Maybe getting away from here for a bit would be good for you?’
I only realised I’d said the wrong thing when he pushed away from me. His face was mostly in shadow, as he had the hood drawn down over his eyes, but I saw the tears and something dark smudged on his chin.
Blood.
‘You want me gone too. You don’t want me!’ He backed away, out into the hallway again.
My mind reeled from the sudden shift in mood.
‘No, that’s not—’
‘Liar!’ A sob rocked his body. ‘You’re such a liar!’ And just like at the cinema, he bolted.
I stood frozen.
Heard the main door slam closed.
‘Go after him.’ Silver pushed me and I stumbled out into the hallway, knocking my toe on the threshold. ‘Go the fuck after him!’
I turned away and ran down the hall to the door, but once I was out on the sidewalk, Josh was gone. I looked both ways frantically, but I couldn’t see him.
‘Shit, shit, shit, shit.’ I ran back in and bolted into my bedroom to find my phone and his letter.