by TT Kove
He gulped it down slowly, but down it went.
When the glass was empty, I put it on the table and pushed Josh further up into a sitting position.
Silver was back and together we got him into my room and in my bed. He rolled over to face the wall, and I tucked the duvet around him.
‘I’ll go get some more water,’ I told him, not sure if he was listening or not. ‘I’ll be back soon.’
Silver and I exited my room, and I ran my hand over my face in frustration once we were back in the living room.
‘Shit.’
‘That’s the proper word, all right.’
I plucked the glass up from the table.
‘You heard it all, right?’
‘Sure did.’ Silver braced his hands against the back of the sofa. ‘That’s some heavy shit, D.’
‘You know about that disorder? Borderline?’
‘Not really. I mean, V talks about a lot of that stuff whenever we meet, but I never put any of it to memory. Psychology is his field, not mine. But I imagine it’s bad. Even the word is intimidating. Borderline.’ He shook his head. ‘I can ask him about it tomorrow, if you want?’
I nodded. I did want that.
‘Is it wrong that I like him?’ If he could ask his brother about the diagnosis, I could figure more out. I needed to know what I was getting into.
It must be some kind of mood disorder, considering how easily Josh’s mood changed. I still had no idea what had set him off last night.
‘Of course it isn’t.’
Silver didn’t look reassuring though, and I raised my eyebrows in question.
‘I just think you need to be absolutely certain that you do want him before you let yourself get involved. Mental illnesses… They’re not easy to navigate, you know. I don’t know the particulars of this one, but people dealing with mental illness are usually pretty frail. They can’t take much.’
‘I know.’ I glanced at my bedroom door. My mind flashed back to the cinema the night before, but I still couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had gone wrong. ‘I never thought this would happen.’
Silver finally grinned again.
‘Love, mate, it happens unexpectedly.’
‘Love,’ I snorted, unbelieving. ‘I’ve known him two days.’
‘Attraction then. Whatever. Love always starts somewhere, you know.’ Silver came around the sofa to clap me on the shoulder. ‘You okay from here? Now that we’re home, I’m just going to head to bed.’
I nodded.
‘Yeah. Thanks for this.’ We hadn’t even made it to the club properly before we’d had to leave. He hadn’t even had a drink. And I hadn’t told Chloe we’d left. ‘Chloe. We didn’t tell her we left.’
‘I’ll text her,’ Silver offered. ‘You go take care of your bloke.’
I went to refill the glass before I headed into the bedroom. I put it down on the bedside table, then grabbed my pyjamas and went to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth.
Josh was still facing the wall when I got back. He was trembling.
‘Hey, you all right?’
‘C-cold.’ His teeth chattered.
I sat back on my knees. I only had my two duvets, so I put my own over him too.
Not that it seemed to help much.
When he continued to tremble, I slipped under both duvets too and pressed up against his back. Wasn’t bodily contact best, after all?
‘This okay?’ I rested my cheek against his soft, blond hair.
‘Y-yeah.’ He was still shaking, but he gripped my hand as if it was a lifeline.
I wish I could say I lay awake for a long time, making sure he was okay, but I didn’t. I fell rather hurriedly asleep.
5
Thank You
Josh
I woke to a head that throbbed and a throat that felt like sandpaper. And to a wall that definitely wasn’t mine.
I tensed up immediately, casting about for what exactly had happened last night. I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t remember anything past arriving at the club with Cooper.
Oh no, no, no.
Had I gone home with someone?
I moved tentatively. The mattress moved with me easily, so there didn’t seem to be anyone in bed with me.
I rolled over very slowly, dreading what I would find.
The bed was empty, except for me. And I was wearing my clothes. They weren’t haphazardly strewn on the floor like they would’ve been if I’d been in a mood to go on the pull last night.
The bedside table looked familiar. I lifted my head to take in the rest of the room. All familiar.
Damian.
I’d gone home with him? That would certainly explain why I still had my clothes on, as he wasn’t interested in a shag.
There was a glass full of water on the bedside table and I grabbed it, drinking greedily. I hoped it had been left there for me because I finished the glass in two long swallows.
Once I put it back, I sat for a while not knowing what to do. I had no idea where Damian was or what mood he was in. Or what I’d done last night. Had I come here, all drunk and desperate?
I dreaded finding out what humiliating act had led to me sleeping in his bed.
I rose from the bed and walked across the floor. I figured it would be better to find out right there and then instead of wondering about it, imagining all kinds of scenarios.
The door squeaked a bit as I opened it, which brought my attention to someone moving on the sofa.
Damian had sat forward so he could look at the door and our eyes met.
My breath caught at the sight of him, both because I was very much attracted to him, but also because of the humiliation of the way we’d parted two nights ago—and possible shame for what I’d done to end up here last night.
‘Hey,’ he said, voice low and calm. He didn’t seem angry or upset or disappointed or distressed. Just… normal.
‘Hey.’ I shut the bedroom door after me and padded across the floor to the sofa.
He scooted over to make room for me.
I sat down as far away from him as possible, pressed against the arm of the sofa. I was hungover, and I must look it and smell like it.
‘You all right?’
I shrugged.
‘As well as can be expected, I guess.’ I dreaded asking the questions I knew needed to be answered. It was better for me not to know, but at the same time, not knowing was driving me mad.
‘Do you want some painkillers? Might make you feel better.’
‘Yes, please.’
He went to get them, and I was left to my own scattered thoughts. He came back with two painkillers and a new glass of water.
I took both gratefully and downed the pills in quick succession.
Damian sunk down next to me again.
He was still so very calm.
Maybe too calm?
‘About last night,’ I started. ‘If I did something or said something inappropriate, I’m sorry. I do a lot of shit when I’m drunk I would never do if I was sober.’
‘You didn’t do anything.’
‘Then how did I end up here?’
‘I met you at the club last night. You don’t remember?’
I shook my head. I couldn’t remember a thing after arriving.
‘Not that much of a surprise.’ He smiled now. ‘You were smashed. Silver and I brought you home. I couldn’t leave you there.’
I blinked several times.
‘Really? Not even after the way I left you the other night?’
‘Who knows what could’ve happened to you if you’d stayed there.’ He wasn’t so calm anymore as he fiddled with the hem of his jumper.
‘Yeah,’ I murmured, turning my head away.
We sat in heavy silence for several minutes.
‘Look, about the other night… I don’t know what I said to upset you, but I didn’t mean to. I would like to get to know you, too.’
My heart started beating heavily.
‘You mean that
?’
‘Of course I do. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.’
I chanced a glance his way.
He still fiddled with the hem of his jumper.
‘I’m sorry for the way I left. I just thought—’ Thought? Had I been thinking at all? ‘I thought you didn’t want it. That I was the only one.’
‘You’re not.’
Those two words did something to me. Something I was unfamiliar with. They made me feel happy. I couldn’t remember the last time that feeling had lodged in my chest like it did now.
Probably never.
‘You said some things last night—’ The happy feeling was instantly squashed by his hesitant words. ‘About your diagnosis. Borderline. I don’t know anything about it, but from what you said… it can’t be easy being you.’
I swallowed heavily.
‘What did I say?’
I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to—
‘Nothing bad. You just kind of laid it all out there for me.’ He glanced at me with a barely-there smile. ‘I’m glad you did. I guess I understand you a bit better now. Not much, but a bit.’
I managed a tentative smile in return.
‘You don’t mind?’
‘No. I don’t.’ He seemed thoughtful and surprised, like the words surprised even him.
They sure surprised me. Even though I was a mess, with a severe mental illness, he still wanted to get to know me.
I wanted to touch him, hug him, and kiss him and show him exactly how much his words meant to me. That he gave me a chance, even with everything against us—with my psyche against us—meant more to me than I could articulate with words.
But I was still hungover after yesterday’s drinking binge, and alcohol breath together with morning breath… Probably not a good idea to get any closer to him than I already was.
‘Can I use the bathroom?’ I needed to get cleaned up as best I could.
He nodded, then leant forward and grabbed a small plastic bag from the table. ‘I went down to Tesco earlier and got this for you.’
‘Th-thanks.’ I took it and clutched it close.
As soon as I was in the bathroom, I opened it to see what it was: a toothbrush, more painkillers, toothpaste, floss, and deodorant. That happy feeling flashed through me again, so foreign I stayed still to enjoy if for a moment.
He was so kind, so caring.
I fixed myself up the best I could.
Damian was still on the sofa when I came back out.
‘I’ve got today off,’ he said.
‘Yeah?’ I had no idea what he wanted to imply with that statement.
‘Maybe we could do something? If you don’t have anything else you need to do?’
‘Yes! I mean, no. I don’t have anything else that requires my attention.’ I hadn’t blown it the other night. The relief was palpable, like an iron weight had been lifted off my chest.
‘I was thinking maybe we could head out to Camden. To the Markets.’ He shrugged, looking unsure, like it wasn’t a good idea.
I nodded enthusiastically.
‘That sounds great. I love the Camden Markets.’
‘Should we go now?’
‘Yeah, why not?’ There was no point sitting around, after all. ‘Should we take the bus?’ I asked once we were outside.
‘Why not the tube?’
‘Isn’t that a bit expensive?’
He glanced at me.
‘Right. You’re not working.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ I shook my head. ‘I was thinking about you. You’re working to pay rent on your flat and probably to save up for when you start school. Don’t worry about me. Mum’s got money, so I’m not exactly lacking in that department.’
One blink of his eyes told me his surprise.
‘I don’t mind the tube. I can afford it. It’s quicker, anyway.’
‘Okay then.’
Tube it was. We didn’t say much. I didn’t know what to say, exactly, and maybe he didn’t either.
We arrived in Camden and walked up the bustling streets towards the Markets.
I’d been truthful when I said I loved the Markets, but I also loved Camden itself. In Camden, more than any other place, people were themselves: Goths, punk, whatever style people preferred. It wasn’t unusual to see someone with an orange mohawk walking around Camden in clothes that resembled bondage gear.
It wasn’t my style, but I sure could appreciate it on someone else. How they dared to be themselves no matter what.
It was great.
‘Are the painkillers working?’
‘Mm, yeah.’ The throbbing had been decidedly less pronounced for a while now.
‘Maybe we should get some food?’
We crossed the road, started into the Market, and instantly came upon where all the food was being offered. I wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, but I also hadn’t eaten in… I couldn’t remember when I’d last eaten. So food was definitely a necessity.
We got a few of those marinated chicken-breasts on skewers. I had no idea what they were called, but they tasted good.
I tried to eat as carefully as possible so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of him, and I did pretty well. I didn’t spill anything on myself, at least.
We continued through the Market after we finished eating. The clothing shops weren’t for either of us since it was either women’s dresses or alternative clothes, so we passed right by them.
A booth selling various bracelets and assorted jewellery caught my attention. Especially the rainbow-coloured rubber bands.
‘You know what these are?’ I held one up for Damian to see.
He gave me a look that clearly said he didn’t.
I chuckled.
‘Rainbow bands. It’s to show you’re gay.’ At least that was the only thing I’d ever heard they were used for. ‘Cooper has several of these on both of his arms.’
‘Cooper, right.’ Damian buried his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders.
I watched him, confused, and he turned his head away from me.
‘Did I tell him I left last night?’
He shook his head.
‘Shit.’ I hadn’t brought my phone with me. Mum must be beside herself by now.
‘If he really cared, wouldn’t he be the one to take care of you?’ Damian snapped, and my head shot up to stare at him again. ‘You were left to your own devices.’
‘That’s typical of Cooper. He likes to party.’ I put the rubber bracelet down and went to stand in front of Damian. ‘Hey… What’s wrong?’ He hunched his shoulders up further. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to tell me. ‘Damian. Did I say something wrong?’
He refused to look at me.
‘Were you planning on going home with him last night? Cooper?’
‘Well, yeah.’
Hurt flashed over his face, and I realised suddenly what was going on.
‘Cooper’s my cousin,’ I hurried to say. I didn’t like seeing Damian hurt, and the quicker I could get that look off his face, the quicker we could get past this misunderstanding and go back to having a good time. ‘He’s staying with us, with his family. I went out with him last night because he thought I needed it. I did need to get out, to stop thinking about everything, but I shouldn’t have drunk so much.’
‘Cousin?’ He fixated on that small part.
‘Yeah. Cousin.’ I smiled. ‘We look a lot alike, too.’
The hurt was replaced with a sheepish expression, and Damian ducked his head to cover it. Didn’t matter, as I’d already seen it.
I turned back to the bracelets, letting him get himself together without me looking at him.
‘I’m getting a few of these. Maybe I can wear them once I take the gauze off.’
‘You have anyone you need to advertise your gayness to?’
That brought forth a chuckle.
‘You want one?’ I turned and held one up. ‘They’re rather flashy and nice-looking, aren
’t they?’
He eyed it with distaste.
‘No thanks.’
I paid for three of them, then went back to join him.
‘You’re a pretty private person, aren’t you?’
He shrugged.
‘I don’t want people knowing my business.’
We continued down the street. Our shoulders bumped together as we had to walk close due to all the other people bustling around us.
‘Thank you,’ I said eventually. ‘For taking care of me last night, for taking me home and for this morning. For this moment. It means a lot to me.’
‘Don’t mention it.’
He flashed me a small smile, and I knew he was telling the truth. He didn’t mind, about last night or me being a mess. He didn’t mind it at all—he just wanted to spend time with me.
And the feeling that left…
It couldn’t even be described.
‘Joshua!’
Mum was on me the moment I stepped through the door. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and she pressed her cheek against the side of my head.
I was surrounded by her hair and her perfume and it was both overwhelming and calming. We never really hugged, but she hugged me now, and it felt good.
‘Where have you been?’ She drew back eventually and held me an arm’s length out from her. ‘Cooper said you went out together last night, but then you disappeared. He couldn’t find you.’ Her eyes searched my face frantically, then her hands ran over my shoulders and down my arms, until she gripped my forearms.
I flinched away from that. They might be wrapped up and not giving me much pain, but when she squeezed like that, it came flashing back.
‘Joshua.’ Her hands clenched into fists as she gazed down at my arms. I knew they were covered up, but her stare made me want to hide my arms behind my back. It was like she could see right through both my jumper and the gauze.
‘I’m fine, Mum.’ I was more than fine, actually. I’d had the most wonderful day of my entire life.
Only thing I was sad about was that it had ended and I was back home.
I hadn’t wanted to leave him, but I had to go home to avoid Mum calling the police.
She would’ve, if I continued to be AWOL.
Since she found out, two years ago, she’d become rather over-protective. I didn’t mind, usually, because we’d grown so much closer since my suicide attempt.