Scarred Souls: The First Collection

by TT Kove

  His breath caught.

  ‘Are you ever going to tell me your story?’

  ‘Someday, maybe.’ I couldn’t bring that shit to the forefront now. School would be starting in less than a month. I didn’t have time for a breakdown.

  Josh wiggled around a bit until he could comfortably turn his head to look at me.

  ‘I won’t push for it. I was just curious.’ His lips were soft when they pressed against mine. There was a salty flavour to them, from his tears earlier.

  He didn’t push for anything but that chaste kiss either.

  I suppose normal blokes would’ve wanted him to, or expected it to go further than just a kiss, but I didn’t. I liked the kiss—but that was it. I didn’t have a burning need to get naked, hot and heavy. It just wasn’t something that would ever happen to me. I’d made my peace with it.

  And I thought he appreciated it too. After everything he’d been through, for so long, how could he not?

  ‘Are you feeling better?’

  I watched as Josh changed out of the shirt he’d been sleeping in. He always wore thin, long-sleeved shirts to bed. I knew he was embarrassed by his arms, and I didn’t push him. It wasn’t like I minded him wearing clothes. If he’d slept in less, if he was like Silver and preferred to sleep only in boxers—or in the nude—it would’ve been a lot more awkward to share a bed with him.

  ‘Yeah.’ Josh flashed me a smile. He ran his hands down his chest, smoothing the shirt, before he walked over to me. ‘I’m glad you’re not working today. I’m looking forward to spending the day with you.’

  ‘Me too.’ I returned his smile as Josh opened the bedroom door and stepped out into the living room. The smile still on his lips, and the look in his green eyes were more than enough for me to know that I’d done the right thing by saying no to an extra shift.

  ‘Hey, D.’ Silver’s voice came from the front of the room. ‘You’ve got visitors.’

  I turned.

  As I didn’t know a lot of people, and two of my closest friends were currently in the flat with me, there really were only three other people it could be.

  Turned out it was two of them.

  ‘Ray. Claire. Hi.’

  Josh went rigid next to me as he realised whom the two people standing by the door were.

  I glanced at him and Josh relaxed again when our eyes met.

  ‘Hi, Damian.’ Claire, my uncle’s wife, smiled widely. She was always in a good mood. ‘We were in the neighbourhood, so we thought we’d stop by and ask you to join us for dinner tonight. Chloe and Quinn are coming too. You can bring your mate.’ She nodded toward Josh, who suddenly looked like a deer caught in headlights.

  ‘Uh.’ I looked to Josh again, catching his eye. I tried to form a silent question and I reckoned I’d succeeded in it, because Josh gave a tiny nod. ‘Okay. Um, when?’ I turned back to face my uncle and aunt. Claire was still smiling, but Ray studied Josh.

  ‘As it’s Friday, we’re doing dinner a bit later than usual. How about around six?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Okay. We’ll be there.’

  ‘Great!’ Claire breamed. ‘See you both then.’ Her eyes too flickered to Josh, as Ray’s had done, before they both left the flat.

  They must both be confused. I hadn’t told them I was seeing anyone, so having me come out of my room on a Friday morning with another bloke must be quite a surprise for them both.

  ‘Are you sure about this?’ Josh chewed nervously on his lower lip. ‘Dinner with your family?’

  ‘Yeah. I’ve met your mum. And your grandma. It’s only fair that you meet my people.’ It had only been three days since I met Josh’s mum and grandma. Since I’d met them so early—we’d practically only just met ourselves after all—there wasn’t anything wrong about him meeting my family.

  Maybe we were moving too quickly, but it didn’t matter.

  I was serious about Josh.

  It was time they found out something about my life, too. For so many years, I’d kept myself at a distance to them. I always had, probably always would, but that didn’t stop them from loving me. They’d even kept my old bedroom intact, just in case I wanted to come back home and live with them again—or just to stay over a night.

  I didn’t think they’d mind that Josh was a guy. I reckoned they’d be happy I’d found someone, no matter the gender. It hadn’t exactly been a priority of mine to get out there and date. I knew they worried about me, though they never said so out loud.

  I did tend to get lectured by Chloe from time to time, to stop being anti-social and get out to live my life. Maybe I’d even get her off my back now.

  That would be a positive thing.

  I had grown up with Chloe. She was like a sister to me, with all the good and the bad that entailed. She’d been living with Ray and Claire almost as long as I had.

  ‘As long as you’re sure.’ Josh still chewed on his lower lip.

  ‘I am.’ I reached out to brush my finger over the small of his back. ‘I’m sure. It’ll be fine. As long as you want to. I’m not going to force you.’

  His eyes were wide.

  ‘I want to, I just—what if they don’t like me?’

  ‘Trust me, mate, they’ll love you,’ Silver interjected as he headed into the kitchen. ‘You are simply adorable.’

  That brought a sheepish smile to Josh’s lips and I reached out to run my fingers in a gentle caress over his cheek. I’d never given a thought to affectionate gestures, but with him they were so easy to make.

  At least in private.

  ‘It’ll be fine.’

  Even if it didn’t, what did it matter? It wasn’t like I saw them that often, and I would still want to be with Josh if they should have some kind of objection against it. They didn’t run my life. I ran it very well myself.

  I could only hope Silver was right, though, that they would like Josh. And that they wouldn’t embarrass me completely.

  Josh

  He wants me to meet his family.

  Shit.

  This feels different than when he met mine. So much bigger, somehow.

  I don’t know why. There’s no logic to it.

  But shit. What if they don’t like me? I want them to. Because I like him. I like him so much.

  I don’t want this to be what makes or break us.

  Damian

  Josh was asleep with his head on my shoulder.

  I didn’t mind it, not at all, but it was much easier to relax back in my own flat, in private.

  Now Ray, Claire, Chloe, and her girlfriend were there too, occupying the biggest sofa. Josh and I had the smaller one to ourselves.

  Chloe had been shooting me looks I couldn’t decipher all evening. She was still doing it, though she too seemed a bit sleepy. She was pressed up against Quinn’s side, whose attention was solely focused on the telly.

  Claire was resting against Ray, and they seemed comfortable doing it.

  I didn’t think I looked that comfortable. Not now, with all of them around me, with Chloe shooting me glances all the time.

  I didn’t mind having Josh pressed up against me, not at all. It was just a bit weird to have my whatever-he-was—were we boyfriends yet?—over at Ray and Claire’s house. The house I’d grown up in. It was weird being in close contact with anyone in front of them, because I’d never been a fan of physical contact before. I couldn’t even remember ever hugging one of them.

  ‘So how come you’ve got a boyfriend?’ Chloe finally found her voice. I wasn’t sure I was grateful she was getting it out or wishing she’d just stuck to sending me those looks. ‘You of all people.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I threw a glare her way, but soon cut my eyes back to the telly.

  ‘It wasn’t meant to be rude, it’s just…’ She did a vague motion with her hand. I could see it from the corner of my eye. ‘You’ve never been into people. Especially not physical contact with people. You’ve never shown an interest in anyone.’

  ‘T
hings change.’ I glanced down at Josh.

  He slept on. He couldn’t have had much sleep last night, with his nightmares and the cutting. He likely hadn’t gone back to sleep after we’d got back in bed either.

  ‘You meet the right person.’ Maybe it was too quick to say that he was any kind of right person for me, but it did feel right.

  ‘So it’s serious between you two?’ Chloe studied me curiously now. Like I was an attraction to be gawked at.

  ‘Yeah.’

  It was, wasn’t it?

  I didn’t do people, but I somehow did him.

  I could share my bed with him without it making me feel sick to my stomach. I could hug him or hold him or kiss him, and it only made me feel good, not repulsed, like I’d always imagined I’d feel if someone ever got close enough to me for that.

  Besides, I didn’t think I had it in me not to be serious. Maybe I needed to have a deep, emotional connection with someone for it to click, and I’d had that with Josh since that first night we’d met.

  Something between us—chemistry, feelings, whatever it was called—had been instantaneous.

  I tilted my head to rest against the back of the sofa.

  Chloe stretched sleepily and pressed in further against Quinn, who wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

  It was dark outside. The clock had to be nearing eleven by now. The film we were watching had started around half past nine. It wasn’t exactly my kind of film. But then again, I didn’t have a particular type I liked. I hardly ever watched them. I never had time. I studied, I worked, and now I also spent time with Josh. There weren’t enough hours in the day for anything else.

  My eyes were threatening to fall shut when Josh suddenly jerked away from me with a gasp. The sudden movement upset his balance and he fell to the floor, where his shoulder connected hard with the coffee table. Josh curled up and his hands tore at the bandages around his forearms.

  I blinked, disoriented.

  Josh had managed to rip up the bandages, and he scratched at his recent cuts, breaking up the fresh scabs.

  ‘Josh.’ I bent down and grabbed both of his wrists, then wrapped my arms around him so that Josh’s hands were pressed up against his own chest. He trembled against me. ‘It was just a nightmare.’ I rested my cheek against his. ‘It’s fine. You’re fine.’

  The trembling subsided slowly. He’d been half-asleep when he’d tried to hurt himself, still trapped in whatever nightmare he’d had, but he blinked himself into awareness now.

  ‘Come on.’ I pulled him up on the sofa.

  Josh’s eyes were watery when he finally turned to face me.

  I turned his arms over to look at where he’d scratched himself. A few of the scabs had broken and there was some blood, but not a lot. Not like the night before.

  ‘How’s your shoulder?’ It had taken quite a hit against the table.

  ‘Fine,’ he murmured as his eyes fell to his lap.

  I manoeuvred us around until we were both stretched out on the sofa. Josh was pressed up against the back of the sofa and me, and he settled down resting against my side, his head on my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp gently. I’d discovered that it relaxed him more easily.

  ‘It’s okay. I’m here.’

  He nodded, but his hands fisted in my shirt and held tight.

  I could feel eyes on me. I knew they were all watching me and Josh, that they’d all seen Josh’s forearms. I couldn’t tell them anything though, because it wasn’t my story to tell. So I avoided looking at them. It wasn’t like I wanted to tell them, even if I could.

  ‘You should both stay overnight, Damian,’ Claire said softly. ‘You’re both tired. It wouldn’t serve you any good to take the bus home at this hour.’

  ‘Yeah. Okay.’ I stared at Josh’s blond head. The strands were soft against my fingers. He never had gel or wax in it. ‘Is my room fit to stay in?’ I hadn’t slept in my old bedroom since I’d moved out.

  ‘It always is, Damian. Just in case.’ I could hear Claire settling down on the sofa again and when I chanced a glance over I saw her leaning against Ray, who had his arms around her.

  I met Chloe’s eyes when I looked over at her, but she didn’t say anything. I didn’t either. I focused back on the telly.

  Josh fell asleep again, I could tell from the way he relaxed and from the way his breathing evened out.

  Josh was troubled. More so than me; at least I thought so. I didn’t have the kind of problems Josh had.

  I felt I was in over my head with him most of the time, but at the same time I couldn’t find it in myself to let him go. It was all so new, but just the simple thought of not having him around anymore made my chest squeeze to the point of physical pain.

  And when Josh told me I made it better, then I knew it was all worth it.

  I led the way up to the kitchen the next morning.

  Josh trailed behind me. I could picture how he wrung his hands together as he tended to do when he got nervous.

  Ray, Claire, Chloe, and Quinn were seated at the table, eating breakfast. I could hear the telly on in the living room, so my younger cousins must be in there. It was just as well. They didn’t need to know anything about Josh’s problems. They were too young.

  I’d already told Josh he didn’t have to tell them anything, but he insisted he had to. They’d seen his arms, so it was only fair, was his argument. I wasn’t so sure about that, but it was Josh’s decisions, so I’d let it go.

  ‘Morning.’ I pulled out two chairs and sat down on one of them.

  Josh was wringing his hands, just as I’d pictured. His eyes flickered around nervously. I didn’t know why he insisted it was important to talk about it when it made him so skittish. They didn’t need to know.

  Just because they’d seen his arms didn’t entitle them to his story.

  ‘Morning,’ Josh murmured too as he sank down on the chair next to me I’d pulled out for him.

  They all answered the greeting and they all sounded polite while doing so. I could tell they were curious though by the way their eyes lingered a little longer on Josh than they should’ve.

  Josh glanced at me and I held his gaze until he let his own drop. If he chose not to tell them after all, I would be fine with that. Whatever Josh wanted, I would support.

  ‘About last night—‘ Josh started hesitantly.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Claire bent forward. ‘You don’t have to tell us anything.’

  ‘I want to. You’re Damian’s family. And you saw… it’s important to talk about it.’ His eyes flickered between them. ‘You saw my arms.’ He took a shaking breath. ‘I’ve been cutting myself for years. My stepfather, he—‘ And stop.

  ‘Josh.’ I could see how agitated he became by the simple mention of his stepfather. Mentioning him, or having anything remind him of Andrew, or the terrible nightmares he had almost every night was what drove Josh over the edge time and time again.

  I didn’t understand why it was so important to talk about it when it always led to him hurting himself.

  ‘You don’t have to say it, Josh. We understand.’ Claire’s voice was low.

  Josh nodded slightly at her words. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down for every swallow he did as he tried to find his voice again.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Claire reached across the table to pat his hand. Josh’s hand twitched in surprise, but it slowly settled under hers.

  I reached under the table to put my own hand on his thigh. I squeezed and he cast me a quick, darting glance. I gave him a barely there smile and he returned it.

  He had his bad days. Sometimes they were very bad. But he always overcame them and things were good until the next time.

  As long as he had those good days in-between all the heavy days, I knew he would be fine.

  ‘So that could’ve gone better.’ Josh collapsed on the sofa with a sigh.

  ‘I think it went fine.’ I went over to look down at him. ‘They liked you.’

 
Josh laughed derisively.

  ‘I never should’ve gone with you. I was having a bad day and I knew something would happen. It always does. And it did. They saw just how messed up I am. They’re not going to want that for you. To be with someone like me.’

  ‘Josh.’ I sat down on the arm of the sofa. ‘They don’t care about your arms or the state of your mind or whatever else that might be going on with you. All they care about is that you make me happy. They’re my family. They trust my judgement. And even if they hadn’t, they couldn’t have swayed me. It’s my life.’

  His green eyes were wide and insecure.

  ‘You really think they liked me?’

  ‘They did.’ At least I hoped so. I wasn’t the best at reading people, but I had paid particular attention to them both last night and this morning.

  I hadn’t seen anything but sincere curiosity directed towards Josh.

  ‘How could they not?’ I leant down a bit to brush my fingers over his smooth cheek.

  Josh pushed himself up and my fingers slipped down to cup the back of his neck as our lips met in a kiss. Josh’s arms wrapped around my waist and he pushed closer. I spread my knees to accommodate him in-between them. This was the first time, since the first night anyway, when he’d been sitting atop me, that we were so close while kissing.

  Kissing had never held any appeal to me.

  Until I met Josh. Because kissing Josh was amazing, even though I knew I had to be bad at it.

  The front door opened and slammed shut.

  ‘How did it go?’ Silver asked as he strode past us towards the kitchen.

  ‘Badly,’ Josh mumbled as he pulled out of the kiss. He rested his head against my chest.

  Silver stopped before he reached the threshold and turned around. His eyebrows rose questionably.

  ‘Badly?’

  ‘Not that bad.’ I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. ‘They liked him.’

  ‘That’s still in debate,’ he murmured. ‘Don’t know that for certain.’

  ‘Did anything happen?’ Silver glanced between us.

  ‘You know, just me. Being me. Messed up. Like usual.’ Josh shrugged, like it wasn’t a big deal, but I knew it was.