by TT Kove
Silver could obviously tell as well, because he came over to brace his arms on the back of the sofa.
‘So what if you had a messed up day? That doesn’t mean you’re not a great person. Because you are, you know.’
I tilted my head to the side so I could look at Josh’s face. A small smile flitted over his lips.
I directed my own smile at Silver, who in turned winked back at me. I guess Josh had to hear things from someone else sometimes for it to sink in, and Josh did trust Silver.
Silver had been nothing but kind to him. He’d always been trustworthy. I was glad they got along so well.
My family wasn’t important. Whether they liked Josh or not, it wouldn’t really have any impact on me. It wasn’t like I saw them that often.
Silver and Josh were the two most important people in my life, and as long as they got along, everything would be fine.
Josh
I never should’ve gone to meet his family. Not after the night I’d had.
Even if he says they liked me, I’m not sure I believe it. I mean, how can they? They saw my arms, saw what I do to myself.
I wouldn’t have wanted that for my nephew, if I had one. How could they possibly want it for theirs?
He doesn’t seem concerned though.
I guess he must really like me.
10
Not Like Everyone Else
Josh
‘Hey Josh, want to come out with us?’
I turned from my position on Damian’s bed to look at Silver standing in the doorway.
‘Where’re you going?’
‘Heaven.’
Clubbing and alcohol. I was definitely in.
He grinned at me.
‘I’ll text D, so he knows where we are when he’s off work. Who knows, maybe he’ll join us.’
I changed into some finer clothes and tried to sort my hair out. It was getting too long. I should get it cut soon. Before college started, definitely.
‘You’re looking good!’ Kian winked at me once I exited the bathroom.
I looked plain compared to him.
Kian was tiny, with black, spiky hair with multi-coloured tips. He wore tight clothes and make-up, and he had the mannerism and the lilting speech of the stereotype gay that tended to be parodied on the telly.
He was adorable though.
And he fit so well with Silver.
I didn’t know why, considering they weren’t anything alike. Silver was big, broad, muscled and covered in tattoos. I bet he could break Kian with a single hand. Silver was kind, and could be a laugh, but mostly he was a calm and serious bloke.
Opposites did attract, apparently.
Wasn’t that true for my own relationship too? If it even was a relationship. I still hadn’t dared bring up the labelling. Maybe I could do it tonight, when I was drunk. Everything was so much easier then.
‘You look good too,’ I told Kian. ‘Both of you do.’ It wasn’t a lie. Silver had to be one of the most handsome people I’d ever seen—and Kian the prettiest. At least the prettiest bloke I’d ever seen.
‘So do you.’ Silver clapped my shoulder.
Not even an hour later we were in the club and the night was in full swing.
‘Shots?’ Kian yelled in my ear so as to be heard over the thumping music.
I nodded, and he leant over the bar to yell something in the barman’s ear. The bloke nodded and proceeded to fill not just two, but six shot glasses.
Kian slid three of them over to me.
‘Show’s on.’ He grinned.
Well, if there was anything I knew, besides sex, it was how to down shots. I hadn’t had a drink since that time I went out with Cooper, and I couldn’t remember much of that night. Before that… it’d been a while. I’d been sober through my whole hospitalisation, and then I’d been released right in the middle of the trial.
I downed the shots in quick succession.
So did Kian.
‘Now that’s going to get things started.’ He slid all shot glasses away from us and then swivelled around so he could see the dance floor.
Silver headed towards us from where he’d been detained at the door by someone he knew. He grinned and grabbed Kian around the waist, swinging him around so that Silver was now leaning back against the bar and Kian was leaning on him.
‘Smooth,’ I heard Kian murmur before he leant up and in to kiss Silver passionately.
I couldn’t help but watch them.
I’d kissed a lot in my life, but not like that. Not with real passion, passion for a person I cared for.
Kissing had used to be part of getting a shag—and now it was just something chaste with Damian. Not that I didn’t appreciate what we had, because I did, but looking at them now… I wanted to be kissed like that. Like I was something to be devoured, like he couldn’t get enough of me.
‘Hey, Josh.’
I started when someone touched my arm.
‘Oh, hey!’ My racing heart calmed down when I recognised Spencer. ‘You’re not working?’
He shook his head, eyes cutting over to the dance-floor. I follow his line of sight and saw Leslie out there, dancing with a girl our age with long, hazel, wavy hair.
‘We both have the night off, so we’re enjoying ourselves.’
‘Is Damian working alone?’ I knew he did sometimes.
‘Harriet’s closing up with him tonight, I think. She stays late a couple of days a week, either alone or with one of us.’ Spencer smiled at me. ‘Damian joining you here after work?’
‘I—I don’t know.’ I hadn’t asked Silver if he’d got an answer to his text. I couldn’t at the moment, either, because he was rather busy. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
Spencer leant forward so he could look at Silver and Kian too.
‘That’s Damian’s mate, right? The tattooed one?’
‘Yeah. That’s Silver. And his new boyfriend, Kian.’ The fact that I was talking to someone else, and had just introduced them, didn’t even register with them. ‘They’re a bit… hands on.’ I smiled sheepishly.
‘New love.’ Spencer grinned. His hazel-brown hair was styled in a messy manner, and he was wearing the black-framed glasses he always wore.
‘How long have you and Leslie been together?’ It seemed a good subject for conversation, even if we had to lean in close and shout to be heard over the music.
‘A year, come October.’ Spencer’s eyes seemed to sparkle behind his glasses. ‘We danced around each other for a while. How long have you known Damian?’
‘About two weeks.’ That was nothing compared to them.
A year.
I wondered if Damian would want to stay in my life for so long.
Spencer’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.
‘Fourteen days?’ He didn’t get to say anything else, because he suddenly had an armful of styled up brunette in his arms.
‘Thirsty.’ She waved her hand in front of her. ‘Order me a drink, please?’
Spencer rolled his eyes, but turned around to do as she asked.
She smiled in satisfaction, face turning towards me, and I blinked in surprise. Except for the fact that she was a girl and Spencer a lad, they looked exactly alike.
Twins.
‘Josh. Hey.’ Leslie had followed her off the dance floor and was now standing in front of me.
‘Who’s this?’ Spencer’s twin took me in, from top to toe and back up again.
‘This is Josh. Friend of Damian’s. You know, our co-worker?’
She nodded.
‘You look fine.’ That was directed at me.
‘Th-thanks.’ I was flustered. No one ever complimented me. Before I’d only got compliments during sex, but that had either been how good I’d been at sucking them off, or how good I’d been at taking their cocks.
‘A shy one.’ She stroked a hand over my shoulder.
‘Steph. Let off him.’ Leslie was firm. ‘He’s gay.’
Her perfectly shaped ey
ebrows inched up her forehead.
‘You are?’
I nodded quickly.
She blew out a breath.
‘That’s a damn shame that.’
Spencer turned back around with her drink and she fluttered off.
He stared after her, while Leslie stepped even closer to both of us.
‘Good thing you are. I wasn’t sure, but she can be a bit—‘ He waved his hand, trying to find the word.
‘Of a slag?’ Spencer suggested.
‘I was trying to find a nicer word for it.’
‘There isn’t a nicer word for it.’
Leslie rolled his eyes now.
‘Anyway. She can be a bit out there, you know? So that’s why I said it. I mean, I got this vibe you were with Damian, but I can’t know for certain, obviously.’
Was that his way of indirectly asking if I was with Damian? Or was he just making an observation?
‘I am. I’m gay. It’s cool.’
Silver’s hand clamped down on my shoulder, getting my attention.
‘Want another drink?’ He asked me. He had a good grip around Kian’s waist, and both their eyes rested on me curiously.
‘I’ll have whatever you’re having.’ I picked some money up of my pocket. Kian had paid for the shots, but I didn’t want them to pay for anything else. I pushed it into Silver’s hand so he’d take it, and he nodded as he turned to the bar.
‘Who’re your friends?’ Kian asked me.
Friends?
‘Oh. This is Leslie and Spencer.’ I motioned at them in turn.
Kian stepped forward to shake both their hands.
‘I’m Kian,’ he introduced himself. ‘Nice to meet you both.’ Both Leslie and Spencer told him so in return. Kian’s eyes widened when he heard Leslie speak. ‘Where are you from, love?’
Leslie smiled. I was sure he got that question a lot.
‘Newcastle.’
‘Proper Geordie, huh?’
Leslie laughed.
‘Starting to turn into a proper Londoner by now.’
Silver thrust my drink at me and I sipped at it. It had a bitter taste to it, but it was rather good.
‘You okay?’ Silver leant in to speak into my ear.
I nodded.
‘Did Damian answer your text?’
‘He said to have fun.’
‘Was he going to stop by once he was done?’ I asked, hopeful.
Silver shook his head.
‘Didn’t say.’
The disappointment was heavy and I took a big sip of the drink. I wasn’t sure why I was disappointed in the first place, because going out had never been our plan. I knew he didn’t like it. This wasn’t his scene.
Still, I wanted to see him.
‘Want to dance with me?’ Kian was back in front of Silver and his fingers fisted in the front of Silver’s shirt. Silver only grinned, and Kian dragged him out onto the dance floor.
I glanced sideways.
Leslie had stepped in close to Spencer. They said something to each other, something I couldn’t hear. They both smiled and shared a kiss.
I didn’t want to be there anymore. Everyone was so normal and happy, and there I stood, strange and alone. Why couldn’t anyone love me? I just wanted to be loved. I’d take that over anything any day.
Damian might like me, but he wasn’t like Silver and Kian, and Spencer and Leslie. He didn’t touch me like that or kiss me like that. We were more platonic friends than anything. Friends who shared a bed most nights, because I never went home. We only kissed when I took the initiative.
I emptied the rest of my drink and turned around to order another one. A drink and a shot. I didn’t know how much I drank. I knew I drank a lot, but I didn’t keep count on it.
I wandered away from the bar at some point, away from Spencer and Leslie, who seemed so happy together and so very much in love. Away from the sight of Silver and Kian dancing close, kissing, and practically shagging on the dance floor.
My eyes burned.
I knew I was going to cry.
How could the night have gone from being good to shit? I’d gone out with two blokes I liked, met another two that seemed nice and who I wanted to get to know. And in an instant my mind had gone to shit.
No wonder I didn’t have anyone to be with.
Who would want to be with someone like me?
He felt sorry for me, that’s what it was.
How could he possibly want to be close to me when I was such a bloody mess? And I meant that quite literally too.
A sob escaped me as I stumbled into the toilets.
But I want him.
I wanted to be with him. I hadn’t even known him a month yet and I was so attached. Was that part of my disorder, like everything else about me? Had I become this attached to him in such a short time because I was borderline? Because I was brain damaged?
Another sob escaped and I locked myself in a free stall, where I sank to the floor and buried my face in my hands.
Why can’t I just be normal?
Damian
Angelina came breezing into the Café as I washed the tables.
Something stuck in me. I realised quickly it was fear.
She was alone, no Josh trailing after her, like he sometimes did. They had lunch at the Café occasionally, just the two of them, and I even joined if it coincided with my break.
‘Hi, Damian.’ She seemed surprised at seeing me.
‘Hey.’ I frowned. ‘Is Josh okay?’
‘Josh? Yeah, I reckon. I haven’t spoken to him since earlier today.’ She didn’t sound or seem concerned. But if she wasn’t here because of Josh, then why?
‘Angelina.’ Harriet came out from the back-room, jacket over one arm and a purse in the other.
‘Ready?’ Josh’s mum smiled at her.
My eyes darted between them.
Did they know each other?
‘I’ll see you later, Damian.’ Angelina cast me a brief smile.
‘See you tomorrow.’ Harriet waved at me.
Then they were out the door and walking past the windows. Together, in what seemed to be amiable conversation.
Harriet had asked me earlier if it was okay with me if she left before we closed. I was used to closing on my own, so I didn’t mind. It wasn’t like there were any people here to keep up with, after all. She hadn’t mentioned she was leaving with Josh’s mum though.
The fear that had taken hold of me when Angelina walked in, slowly dissipated as I continued wiping down the rest of the tables. For a moment I had expected something to be wrong with Josh, and it had terrified me.
The last hour seemed to drag by. No one stopped by this late. Harriet had been talking about starting to close earlier, when the kitchen closed, because the next couple of hours just weren’t worth it.
The bell rang when there was fifteen minutes left and I sighed heavily before turning around. I didn’t want to deal with someone in the last fifteen minutes. I just wanted to clean up and go home—
‘Josh?’
He stood just inside the door. One hand gripped his opposite elbow and his head was bowed.
It was bad. I could tell from the stance.
‘Hey.’ I stepped around the counter and went over to him. I locked the door so no one would interrupt us, then put my hands on his shoulders and led him over to a chair so he could sit down.
‘What’s wrong?’ Something must’ve happened at the club. Silver had texted me to say they were going out.
Josh shook his head. He was crying, even if he was still refusing to look at me.
‘Josh.’ I swallowed a lump that threatened to get stuck in my throat. ‘Josh?’ I ran my hands over his shoulder, over his neck, and up to cup his cheeks. I wiped away tears with both of my thumbs. ‘Please tell me what’s wrong.’
He buried his face in his hands. I was still cupping his cheeks, so part of his hands covered mine. It didn’t seem like he even noticed.
‘If I’d been normal, would w
e have been normal?’
He mumbled it and for a moment I was sure I heard him wrong.
‘What?’ Normal? ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Everyone’s so happy.’ He was still mumbling, but I leant closer to him so I could catch everything he said. ‘Happy with themselves, with each other. They’re comfortable with each other. Like, really comfortable. We’re not. Not like that.’
‘Who’re they?’ I still had no idea what exactly he was on about. What did he mean by normal?
‘Spencer and Leslie’s been together for a long time, but Silver and Kian met after we did. Yet they’re all over each other.’
Were we really back to the whole sex issue?
‘I’m not the same person they are.’ I was annoyed. I couldn’t help it. Hadn’t I been clear about it all?
‘What’s so wrong with me that we can’t be like that?’ He started crying harder.
‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’ Not when it came to this anyway. But I didn’t know how to make him understand.
‘Is it my scars? Is it the fact that I’m borderline? That it’s bloody brain damage? Do you think I’m less because of it? Is it because of Andrew and what he did to me, because I liked it?’
‘Whoa! Josh.’ I gripped his face harder. ‘No, it’s not your scars or your disorder or what your stepfather did to you. Well, maybe sort of the last one, because I think the last thing you need right now is sex—‘
‘But that’s all I know! That’s all I am. It’s all I’m good at. And I can’t give you the one thing I know how to do.’ More sobbing, more tears.
‘I don’t want you to,’ I said, drawing out the words so he’d hopefully get what I was saying to him. ‘I don’t want sex. And that has nothing at all to do with you. I think you’re wonderful, Josh. But I don’t crave sex like other people. I’m perfectly happy without it.’
‘But it’s part of a relationship.’ He pressed the palm of his hands against his eyes.
‘Most of them, yeah, but not all of them.’ I bit down on my lower lip, not sure I was getting my point across. ‘Look, Josh. I’ve never wanted sex. Ever. Just like I haven’t ever wanted to be this close to another person. You’re the first person I’ve been interested in, in my entire life. I’m not ruling sex out completely. I might be willing to try it out, sometime in the future, but for now… it honestly holds no appeal to me. I don’t want to do it. You don’t want to force me, do you?’