by TT Kove
‘Yes. Hi.’ She breathed in and out a couple of time. ‘I don’t know what happened yesterday, but whatever it was he took it hard. I’m not blaming you, Damian. I know better than anyone how just a slight word can have serious consequences with him.’
I swallowed heavily. It wasn’t just a slight word. It was so much more than that.
‘I pushed him away from me.’ It was better to be honest about it. ‘I—Something bad happened years ago and the date was getting close and I couldn’t handle it. And he came in the room and I just—I pushed him.’
She was silent for at least half a minute.
‘I know how that is too. I pushed him away emotionally for the first sixteen years of his life. That played a big part in who he is today. I regret it, but I can’t change it. All I can do is try my very best to make it up to him now.’
I nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see me.
‘How is he?’
‘He’s—’ She hesitated. I knew something must’ve happened. ‘He’s not fine, but he’s okay. I think he’s scared.’
‘Scared? Of me?’
Oh no.
‘Not of you, but of what’s going to happen between you. He doesn’t want to go home.’
I frowned.
‘Where are you?’
‘In Bristol.’
Bristol?
Shit.
‘Look, Damian. He’s very fragile, as you already know. He’s not going to go home with the way he left things. Josh doesn’t just feel embarrassment and sadness, like people without his disorder would in this situation. For him it’s humiliation and grief.’
‘I know.’ I’d read up on all I could find. I knew that. I also knew that impulsive reactions weren’t just self-harm, but also running away. Like he’d apparently done now.
‘I think you should come here and talk to him. Just tell him how sorry you are, that you didn’t mean it. If he hears it from you directly, I’m sure it will soothe him a lot.’
I swallowed again.
Head down to Bristol?
‘Do you have half-term too? The next week off?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then how about I buy a train ticket for you for tomorrow morning? I’ll come pick you up at the train station when you get here.’
I didn’t even have to think about it.
‘Okay.’ I needed to talk to Josh, and if I had to go down to Bristol to do it, I would. ‘Okay.’
‘Great.’ Her voice rose a bit, which told me she was happy about my decision.
If she was happy, surely that would mean Josh would be too, right? He’d run away, but if I grovelled and apologised profusely—and told him about my past, so he’d know exactly what I had to deal with once a year—then surely he would come back?
13
I Love You
Damian
I brought school books on the train to read. It might be half-term, but getting ahead in my reading would only be a plus.
When I finally arrived at the station in Bristol, Angelina waited for me just outside. She was easy enough to spot, with her blond hair cut into a sharp middle-length bob.
I grimaced at the thought. The only reason I even knew what the cut was called was because of Chloe. She’d been obsessed with it a few years ago, always getting hers cut so it wouldn’t grow out.
‘Hey, Damian.’ She smiled at me and I managed a nervous one in return. ‘My car’s this way.’
I followed her, all the while toying with the strap of my bag. I didn’t know how Josh would react to seeing me and I didn’t exactly look forward to the conversation we needed to have.
‘Josh went out with his cousin last night, so he spent the night with him.’ Angelina started the car and drove swiftly out of the parking space. ‘Cooper has a bad habit of getting pissed out of his mind every weekend, so I’m not sure they even made it home. Josh has a tendency to drink a lot, too.’
‘Alcohol abuse is common impulsive behaviour in people with borderline personality disorder,’ I said.
She cast me a wry look as she stopped for a red light.
‘You’ve done your research.’
‘Of course. I needed to know what to look out for and what not to do.’ I stared out the window. ‘Obviously I didn’t take into equation what happens around this time in October.’
‘What happens around this time in October?’
‘Everything goes to shit.’ I didn’t want to share it with anyone, but I knew I had to with Josh. Josh had to understand what always went through my head at these particular dates every year. I didn’t want yesterday to ever repeat itself again. ‘I lived with my uncle and aunt. There’s… a good reason for that.’
She didn’t prod more into it, and soon she parked the car outside a block of flats.
‘Cooper’s flat is on the second floor.’ She pointed out the house we were parked in front of. ‘If Cooper made it home last night, tell him he can come with me. We’ll buy some food for us while you and Josh have a chat.’
I left my bag in the car and headed upstairs. There I knocked on the door and waited anxiously for it to open.
It took a while, and I was just about to knock again, when Josh stood in front of me.
He blinked.
‘Damian?’
‘Hey.’ Something washed over me once I laid eyes on him. Affection, relief, nervousness. A bundle of mixed feelings I didn’t know how to separate. ‘Can I come in?’
He stepped out of the way.
‘Is your cousin home?’
He nodded.
‘Your mum says he can go with her to buy food, while we talk.’
Josh went into the room to our left, and I heard muffled voices, before two pair of footsteps announced their arrival.
I couldn’t help but stare at his cousin when he emerged, because he looked a lot like Josh.
His hair was a bit longer, and a lot more ruffled. His bare arms were smooth, eyes red and peering at me, and they were blue, instead of Josh’s green ones. There were also differences in their facial build, which was noticeable to me now, but from a distance they could’ve very well been twins.
‘Bloody hell. I fell asleep with my contacts in,’ Cooper muttered. He padded past me in nothing but low-hanging joggers and into what I assumed was the bathroom.
‘He’s not a morning person,’ Josh excused his cousin’s lack of greeting.
It didn’t matter. He wasn’t the one I was here to see.
We stood there, a bit awkwardly, while Cooper got ready in the bathroom. We kept shooting glances at each other, but we both looked away when we were caught at it. It was like we were back in lower secondary school.
‘You better make up pretty damn good,’ Cooper muttered as he came out of the bathroom again. He was dressed more properly now and he also wore glasses. ‘If you want to shag, feel free to use my bed.’
He put on trainers, grabbed a jacket, and then slammed the door after himself.
This was the person I’d been jealous off back when Josh and I had just met?
‘So that was Cooper.’ I turned back to Josh.
‘Yeah.’ Josh’s arms folded tightly in front of him. ‘He’s… special. But he’s got his reasons like the rest of us do.’
I cleared my throat.
‘About that… what happened yesterday. I’ve got my reasons.’
His Adam’s apple bobbed furiously.
‘You don’t want me anymore, do you?’
‘Don’t jump to conclusions, Josh. I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.’ I stepped closer to him, put a hand on his shoulder, and steered him over to the sofa.
He sank down and I sat on the arm of it, because I couldn’t sit close to him when I told him about my past.
‘You know I’ve been real busy with coursework this month. I’ve been so busy I didn’t realise what month it was, so I haven’t been able to prepare myself for the date. And I saw it yesterday and I realised it was only four days until the day, and I have a hard enoug
h time dealing when I know it’s coming—so I didn’t do so well when I realised it yesterday. And you came in and you touched me, and I just reacted like I’ve done every other year. I don’t like being touched when I’m remembering or thinking about what happened.’
He sat quietly, eyes on me, expectant. His hands were still folded in his lap and I noticed he was only in a T-shirt—and that both his arms were bandaged. They hadn’t been for the last week, so that had to have happened yesterday.
I felt immensely guilty. I tried my best not to upset him, to show him affection and be with him, and I’d messed it up. I’d made him hurt himself. It was because of me.
‘You’re not the only one who’s got scars.’
He blinked.
‘You cut yourself too?’
‘No.’ I scratched a hand over my chest. ‘I’ve only got the one. And I didn’t do it to myself.’
His eyebrows drew together in a frown.
‘Someone hurt you?’
I bit down on my lip.
‘Someone tried to kill me.’
His eyes widened in surprise.
‘It’s the kind of situation that only ever happens in films—but it happened to me in real life.’ Whenever I talked about it I always felt phantom pains in my scar. Now was no exception.
‘Was it someone you knew?’ He was sitting on the edge of the sofa now.
I cast around for something to look at that wasn’t him.
‘My mother.’
A short gasp escaped him, drawing my focus back to him.
‘Why? Or no, you don’t have to tell me why. It’s probably too horrible to want to talk about.’
I shrugged.
‘Don’t really know why. I was the only one who survived.’
‘Of the two of you?’
‘Of the five of us.’
His eyes grew wide again.
‘My dad and my two younger sisters died,’ I continued before he could ask. ‘Then my mother killed herself.’
He was getting teary now.
‘Don’t cry. It’s the way it is. Nothing can be changed. I haven’t cried in years.’
‘When did it happen?’ Despite my words, a few tears escaped his eyes.
‘When I was twelve.’ I scratched at my chest again. I didn’t even know I’d been doing it until I saw his attention drawn to it.
‘Where’s your scar? Is it there?’
‘On my chest, yeah.’
‘Can I see it?’ He seemed to be strangely fascinated.
I hesitated. That would mean taking my clothes off.
‘I don’t like being touched there. I don’t like anyone seeing it. I don’t like to take my clothes off.’
He stood up and came to stand in front of me. His hands slid to the back of my neck to tangle in the hair in my nape.
‘Two and a half months. That’s how long we’ve known each other. That’s how long we’ve been together. Maybe not officially, but I like to think we’ve been together since the day we met. Once I saw you, there could never be anyone else.’
I stared up into his eyes.
He wet his lips nervously.
‘I’m in love with you. I love you.’
‘I’m sorry for pushing you.’ I grabbed a hold of his waist and pulled him closer to me. I spread my knees to accommodate him in closer, and his arms wrapped around my shoulders as I leant my head against his chest. ‘I can’t stand to be touched. I never got affection when I was little, and afterwards… I couldn’t stand for anyone to be close to me, so Ray and Claire kept their distance. You’re the only one I’ve ever been able to be close to. But two days ago… I just couldn’t deal, knowing the date was too close and you showing up then was unfortunate. I didn’t mean to push you. I never should’ve done that.’
His hands carded through my hair. He bent over slightly so his lips rested against the top of my head.
‘I don’t know what your experience was like for you, but I know mine. I can’t control my emotions at all but I think you do a great job of it. The other day excluded, obviously.’
I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed the feel of him against me. I had him back. He wasn’t leaving me.
He loves me.
I should say it too, because I did. I did so much, but I couldn’t find the voice to do so. The words stuck in my throat. I was the shittiest person alive to not say the words back—and he was the person that needed to hear those kinds of words the most.
I pulled back, hands slipping from around him to toy with the hem of my jumper.
‘I don’t want to take it off. But I could pull it up.’
Confusion flitted over his face, and I pulled both the jumper and my tee up before he realised what I was going on about.
His attention zeroed in on my chest. I could see how his gaze started up at my shoulder, then followed the thick scar down across to my waist.
‘Just one scar,’ I said, refusing to look down at myself. ‘But it’s a big one.’
‘Oh.’ His hands fluttered, one in front of his mouth, the other towards me.
I sucked my stomach in, an unconscious move to get further away, but his hand touched my skin, his fingers felt over the roughness of the scar. Goosebumps erupted, and they weren’t the good kind.
He pulled away after a while and I let my clothes fall back into place. We looked at each other.
‘I’m sorry I ran away,’ he whispered. ‘I should’ve stayed. Should’ve let you have some space, then asked you what was wrong. I can’t believe you came all the way here just to tell me this.’
‘I didn’t come just to tell you, Josh. I came to make you come back home with me.’
That brought the tears back.
‘You want to still be with me?’
‘Yeah. More than anything else.’ I couldn’t imagine being without him. The previous day had been pure hell. ‘Please come back.’
He all but threw himself around my neck.
‘I’ll take that as a yes.’
‘I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me.’
‘It’s going to be for a great length of time then.’
Two and a half months together, and I already knew that. I already knew that this wasn’t some passing fancy.
I loved him too.
Josh
‘Get down on your hands and knees and brace your hands against the wall.’ The voice was cold, yet somehow it vibrated excitement.
I was shivering and tears were falling freely down my cheeks. I didn’t fight him though. I never did. I’d learned it was for the best. He’d trained me well.
I glanced over my shoulder. His fly was already undone, showing off what was hiding underneath. I felt the bile rise, even more so when he removed the belt from the loops and almost lovingly ran his hands over the leather.
His eyes lifted to look at me.
‘This is your own fault, Joshua. Remember that.’
I turned back to face the wall. I couldn’t watch him. I squeezed my eyes shut and bit down on my lower lip. I didn’t want to make a sound when he whipped me, but I knew I would. I always did.
I jerked forward when the leather whipped across my back with all the force he could muster. All my pretences of not making a sound were lost in the pain of it.
‘NO!’
I wrestled with what held me down, with what kept me trapped. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t take more of his abuse, neither the physical nor the sexual. I just wanted to die.
‘Josh!’
Death would be a relief. Death would be peaceful. No one could hurt me when I was dead.
‘Josh!’
Someone shook me, rather roughly.
Reality started to come back.
I was drenched in sweat, the sheets were tangled around me, and a warm, strong hand was on my shoulder.
‘Get it off me, get it off me, get it off of me!’ I clawed at my shirt. I was soaked in my own sweat.
He helped me out of it. He must�
�ve, because I couldn’t possibly have managed it on my own. But the cool air soon hit my heated skin, drying the sweat that clung to me.
I drew my knees up under me, buried my face in the duvet, and wrapped my arms over my head. I rocked, back and forth, while I cried.
‘Do you want us to do anything, D?’
That was Silver’s voice.
I hadn’t even realised he was in the room. With the plural, I suspected Kian was there as well, but I couldn’t unfold. I couldn’t look at them. All I could do was rock back and forth and let it all out. All the tears, all the sadness, all the bitterness of everything I’d lost. All the anger at being such a mess, with a severe brain damage disguised as a mental disorder.
‘I don’t know.’ Damian’s voice shook.
If I’d been screaming as loud as I thought I’d been, I must’ve scared him to death.
‘You want me to call Vincent?’
‘No, no. It’ll be fine. I’ve got it. Thanks though.’
‘Don’t hesitate to tell me if you change your mind. If he doesn’t calm down.’ I heard two pairs of footsteps leave. Kian whispered something right before the door shut, but I didn’t catch it.
‘Hey, Josh.’ Damian rubbed my back. ‘It was just a dream.’
I drew in several shaky breaths.
‘Want to lie back down with me?’ He carefully pried my arms away from around my head, and I went willingly as he had to practically wrestle me back into a stretched out position.
He pulled his duvet over both of us.
It was warm, but not soaked in sweat like mine was. My upper body was still completely bare, and his hand stroked my upper arm and shoulder now as I rested against him, my cheek on his chest.
‘Don’t you ever have nightmares?’ His past was just as horrible as mine. Maybe even more so, because he’d lost everyone close to him.
‘I used to. Not so much anymore.’ He gripped my shoulder now. Clearly the subject wasn’t one he was comfortable with. ‘When I do have them, it’s not like yours. I don’t wake up screaming. I hardly ever wake up at all. I’ve got the nightmare, and it feels real, but most of the time I can’t wake up. And it just phases into another dream or another nightmare. Mostly I can’t even remember having it when I wake up.’