Shattered

by Nicole Banks

  He spun me again, “Hey no cheating.”

  He chuckled, “I‘m just warming up. Whenever you‘re ready baby.” I smiled and began to move. He spun me again but we continued to dance to the beautiful melody of the salsa music. We kept our eyes locked on each other; everything except for the music seemed to fade out. The other couples seemed to disappear. It was only me, and Angel on the dance floor, our bodies moving in sync with one another. It was as if the melodies were made to match the chorography our bodies were producing together. With Angel in the lead, I was free to follow his movements. I knew even if it was just dancing, he had me. I could trust him. He was right there with me keeping pace and challenging me to go harder. This may have just been dancing but somehow it went beyond that. It was always so much more with Angel.

  The song was coming to an end and he kept spinning me. I was laughing; the shit head was going to make me dizzy, even though he didn’t have to spin me to make me feel dizzy. He spun me one more time, but when I came back to face him he crushed his lips on mine. I sighed into the kiss; I would never get tired of what his kisses did to me. The crowd started clapping and I stopped kissing him to notice the crowd wasn’t clapping for the performers, but for us. I blushed a little bit; looks like we did good. Angel was still looking at me smiling, “What?”

  “Who knew you could keep up?”

  “Aye please; I was going slow for you.”

  “Yea, yea, yea” And he placed the sweetest of kisses on my lips.

  The performers started speaking in Spanish, “Gracias a la bella pareja en el medio bailando a nuestra musica. Nuestra musica habla de amor y siempre es un placer a estar en la presencia de amor.” My Spanish was rusty but what they said sounded beautiful. “Angel, what’s he saying?”

  Still staring into my eyes, “Thank you to the beautiful couple in the middle, dancing to our music. Our music speaks of love and it’s always a pleasure to be in the presence of such love.”

  “Angel?”

  “Shh, beautiful let’s just go home. I think maybe you can stay with me tonight?”

  CHAPTER 19

  We were sitting in front of his house in his car. Angel turned off the car and turned toward me, “I was serious Jas. I want you to spend the night with me. It doesn‘t have to be sex, I just want you next to me while we sleep.” This was a big step. Yea I spent countless nights in their house when I was younger. I even spent the night in his bed not too long ago. But this was different. I wanted to be next to him. I wanted to spend more uninterrupted time with him. But could I do this?

  “I um, Angel I don’t-”

  “Please Jasmine! If you feel uncomfortable at all, I will go sleep on the couch.”

  Always ready to compromise, “Oh okay. Um, I need to go to my house; I need clothes.”

  He smiled, “Okay I’ll drop you off.”

  “It’s up the block, we can’t walk?” He cupped my face and pulled me to him. He was kissing me to distract me, and at the moment, I didn’t care. It always felt like I was drowning, and as long as he was doing the kissing I had no intention of being saved. Angel was a dangerous man, if it wasn’t his gorgeous smile or amazing green eyes, it was the way he consumed you with his kisses. He had the power to bring a girl to her knees. I was no exception. Being here with him like this was nice, today was nice. No bullshit: just Angel and me; the rest of the world forgotten, everything forgotten, just us.

  He pulled back a cheeky grin displayed across his face, “You sure you still want to walk?”

  “Yes, you lazy sack of potatoes; stop trying to distract me with your devastating kisses. Let’s go mister; we’re walking!” We got out of the car and started walking towards my house. He threw his arm around my shoulder, “Devastating huh?” I rolled my eyes. Shouldn’t have said that out loud; the man didn’t need any more of an ego boost.

  “You know Jas, back in the day all I had to do was flash my smile and bam, chicks would do whatever I wanted. You, I actually have to work at it.”

  “Hey!” I punched him in the side, “Why do you say that likes it’s a bad thing?”

  He chuckled, “I’m just saying it used to be so easy for me. Now I don’t know what happened.”

  “Um, maybe it’s because I actually have more than two brains cells.”

  “Hey I resent that! My last serious ex-girlfriend Janet, wasn’t bad. If I remember correctly, you thought she was awesome.”

  I stepped out of his embrace, “Well you’re right and she was so smart she left your ass for me to deal with.” I started giggling, “Maybe I should call her tell her to come take you off my hands.” Angel made a swipe to get me but I dodged his attempt and I started laughing even harder.

  “Jasmine, come here.”

  “Nope; don‘t want too!”

  “Jasmine, I swear if you make me chase you.”

  “You enjoy the chase. Hey, get it? You enjoy Chase!” I started laughing even harder. He made another swipe to get me but I dodged his attempt again.

  “Jasmine, I swear, it’s hot. I will not chase after you.”

  “Well then I guess you’ll never have me.” It started raining,

  “Jasmine when I catch you, you will be mine. And I’m going to make you kiss me.”

  “Yea, seeing as how you’re not going to run, I don’t see that happening.”

  “I’m going to count to three; your ass better run.”

  He didn’t have to tell me twice I was gone. I heard him count to one and he started chasing after me. Damn cheater! He trained in the military; there was no way I was going to out run him. Truth was, I didn’t want to. This whole day had been perfect and peaceful. If this was what our days were going to consist of, I had no problem being with him. Yes, I knew there would always be bad days, but to have good days like today, definitely would make it all worth it.

  Angel was on me in a second and snatched me up. He spun me around to face him, his green eyes darkened and his smile was purely carnal. I couldn’t help the goose bumps that ran across my skin. “Caught you; I think you owe me something Jasmine.” He leaned in to steal a kiss but I stopped him placing a finger on his lips. He bit down on my finger and his eyes darkened even more.

  “Actually,” I sounded out of breathe, and I doubted it had anything to do with me running, “you haven‘t caught me yet. Come on, let’s go inside so we can dry off a little bit.”

  Angel

  Whatever arousal I was feeling from playing that little game with her was gone the second I walked into Jasmine’s house. How did I think I could step into this place and be okay? I was ready to bolt. It was eerie being here. She handed me towels to dry off. “You don’t look too well. Are you okay?”

  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in this house in a long time. It felt weird being here and probably more so because Jay was gone. “I’m fine, Jas.”

  “You sure?”

  No of course not, but she didn’t need to know that. “Yea, I’m fine.”

  “Okay I’ll be right back.”

  She left me alone in this familiar, yet foreign place. The last time I was here, I told Jay he was a piece of shit and that he was dead to me. If only I could take those words back. Every day I felt like shit that those were the last words that I ever spoke to him. I should have never allowed my temper to get the better of me. Jay was a good guy, he would have taken care of Kris. But I couldn’t get my head out my ass and I have regretted it every day.

  “Angel?” I froze. Please let that not be Jasmine’s mother. I slowly turned around and in the doorway stood a shorter, older version of Jasmine, just with green eyes. I was a stranger to her now, no longer the little boy who used to play with her son or the teenage boy who used to help her son eat her out of house and home. “Angel Torres, looking even more handsome since the last time I saw you. Well don’t be a stranger come here and say hello.” I walked over to her. My body towered over her as we embraced each other. On a sigh, she released me, "It's been a long time Angel. I‘m sorry we never got t
o speak after the funeral."

  “Actually, I should apologize for leaving so abruptly like that.”

  “Shh, that was a hard day for all of us. No need to apologize.”

  “Yea, but I should have been there for Jasmine; for you, for everyone.”

  “Always trying to play the hero, Angel; you can’t save everybody.”

  I knew that. That was the reality of it, not everyone could or wanted to be saved. “You know, Jasmine is getting more and more like herself every day. That girl has always been so strong; that‘s why it worried me so when she couldn‘t bounce back from the incident. But now, I can see it in her eyes, you’ve helped her get her fire back.”

  I smirked, “Ah you see Mrs. Ortiz; some people always need a hero.”

  She laughed, “Some do. But people like you and my daughter; you guys are your own heroes.”

  I didn’t know how true that was. Jasmine seemed to relish her own strengths. She was fighting her demons on her own, and as far as I knew, she never asked for help. While I, on the other hand knew I couldn’t do it without Jasmine. She had been my anchor, my lifeline when shit got tough. I wasn’t sure I would have survived without her.

  Mrs. Ortiz placed her hand on my cheek, “Take care of her. Take care of each other. You’ve both been through too much, okay?” I nodded not being able to voice the right words. She smiled, picked up a duffle bag I hadn’t notice she had and left.

  I was starting to feel a little antsy. I began to wander around the house and my feet lead me to Jay’s room. I opened the door and the oxygen left my lungs in a rush. I didn’t know what I expected to see. The fact that the room was so bare now (Mrs. Ortiz cleaned out everything but his bed and the pictures that cluttered his dressers), it was so eerie to see a room that was once so full of life now be so dull and blank.

  I walked in looking at all the photos. The pictures told the stories of the life we all used to live. I never realized how much I really missed Jay until I was looking at these photos. I fucked up. Man did I fuck up. I spent too much time being angry with him. I should have never run. I should have stayed and handled the situation better.

  “Angel, why are you in here?” I turned around and walked towards Jasmine. My lips came crashing down on hers before I could even think or process anything. When I broke away, I placed my head on top of hers. “Angel?”

  “You’re strength always amazed me. You are so much stronger than I could ever be. How can you possibly want a man as weak as me? How could you want a man who‘s a coward?”

  She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of Jay’s room. “What makes you think you‘re weak Angel, or a coward? You‘ve risked your life fighting every day for so many years. Not everyone can do that. It takes a certain kind of courage to do that.”

  “You don‘t get it. I ran from the situation with Jay and Kris; I ran from you. I never would have joined the Marines if I had just stayed and dealt with things here. I didn’t join the Marines because I wanted to. I did it because that was the only option I saw that would keep me from being here. I figured, if I joined the Marines, I would never have to come back home.”

  She took a step back. “You didn‘t want to come back?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. It’s what my thought process was when everything went down. But now, I see I should have never left. I should have been here protecting you. It has been killing me every day since you told me, knowing someone hurt you like that and I wasn‘t here to do anything about it. I promised you I would always be here for you and I couldn‘t hold up that promise. I am so sorry you ever had to go through that alone. I’m even sorrier that you had to cope with it by yourself. I feel like I keep falling short with you. How can you ever actually want someone like me? You deserve so much more than I can ever give you.”

  CHAPTER 20

  How was he still hurting like this? This wasn’t his fault. None of it was. I never blamed him. How could he still have me on this pedestal? Why couldn’t he see that I was the one who would fall short with him? “Angel, I really wish you would take me down a notch. I am broken, even more so than the average person.” He cupped my face, “No. Even with your baggage, you are more than anything I could ever be.”

  “Angel-.”

  “Shh, just tell me you can forgive me.”

  I let out a breath; there was nothing to forgive. But if he needed to hear it, “I forgive you Angel. But can you promise me that you’re done running?”

  “For you, yes.” He bent down and our lips touched. My body leaned into his, trying to deepen the kiss. This kiss was so different; it was tender. He was pouring everything he felt and couldn’t say into the kiss. I responded in kind. I wanted him to know I was right here with him, yearning and wanting him just as much as he wanted me.

  He trailed kisses down my jaw and towards my neck. The simplest touches always had my body coming alive for him. “I need you Jasmine. I need to feel your body against mine. I need to be inside you. I want to get lost in you Jasmine.” I nodded in agreement. Right now, I wanted it more than anything. He looked up at me and his eyes were so much darker now. The emerald was gone and it was replaced with a mossy color green. He looked at me as if he had every plan to devour me. I should have been frightened by it, but it fueled a fire deep inside me. I wanted Angel, in all ways. I could feel it now, so much more than I did before. I was ready for him for this. “Jasmine I need you to be sure that you want this; that you want me. Once we start this, there is no going back. You will be mine.”

  “I‘m sure; I want you Angel.”

  He crushed his lips on mine, picked me up and led me to my bedroom. We broke the kiss and he put me down. I stepped back and looked around nervously. He hadn’t really been in this house since I was younger. Would he look at the surroundings and think I was still that little girl? I hoped that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want him changing his mind. He said he was done running but being here could change that. Maybe we should just go to his house.

  He ran his hand down my arm, “Where’s your head at baby? I need you to stay here with me okay? I don’t want anyone or anything coming in on our time here. Can you do that for me?” I nodded my head not trusting my voice to betray my nerves. He kissed my forehead, “We don’t have to do this tonight. If you’re not ready, I won’t push you Jasmine”

  No! I want this. Come on Jasmine, one, two, three. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. I was going to do this. “I want you Angel. I want to do this with you now.”

  He chuckled, “Always impatient. Understand Jasmine, I like things a little differently. I will do my best to go slow. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you need to tell me okay?”

  Angel was going to talk to me until he believed that I believed I was ready. We were going to be here all night just talking, and eventually I would lose my damn nerve. I knew all about the things Angel liked. I heard the rumors; girls always enjoyed talking. I understood his precaution; he didn’t want me to freak out. But I wasn’t worried. Angel was not and would never be that douche bag. I wasn’t worried about my past, I couldn’t be. I wanted to enjoy these moments with Angel and that required us both to let go and live.

  It was good in theory, but no amount of words would convince Angel that I was ready. So I summoned up my confidence and did the next best thing that would convince him. I grabbed him by his shirt and pulled his lips to mine. He groaned the second our lips met, he tried to take over the kiss and I bit his lower lip before pulling away. “I want this Angel. I want all of you. Just like you told me to be here with you, I need you to be here with me. Can you do that? Can you just be with me now?” He nodded his head. “Good now, are we going to do something about it or was your plan to just talk all night?”

  He chuckled and stepped back licking his lips. My eyes followed the movement wondering what his lips would feel like on other parts of my body. “I think you have too many clothes on Jas. You should take them off.” I lifted my chin; this was not going to be his show. From what I heard over
the years, Angel was always the one in control in the bedroom. I think he needed some challenge in his life. “I think you should take yours off first.”

  “Why do you insist on being so defiant?” He stormed closer to me, grabbed my shirt and on a growl ripped it down the middle. I jumped back a little startled by the unexpected primal response from him. It didn’t scare me, which surprised me. I guess I finally understood for once that Angel wasn’t ever going to hurt me. “Jasmine if you want your clothes to stay in tacked, I’d advise you to do as I say.”

  “And if I don’t want to?” With a groan, he picked me up and threw me on my bed. A giggle escaped me as I bounced on the bed. So this is what being free from things felt like? How refreshing it was to just live. “Jas was that a giggle I heard? I really hope you’re not laughing at me.”

  “Yes, yes I actually am. Not like you’re going to do anything about it.”

  He knelt on the bed and took my shoes off. He bent down and placed a small kiss on my right ankle. I jumped a little startled by the contact, “Um, What are you doing Angel?”

  “I‘m enjoying you, shh.” He kissed his way slowly from my ankle up my leg until he reached the hem of my shorts. He brought his face up and our eyes locked, his lips parted into his beautiful smile. And as always when Angel smiled it put whatever worry or doubt I had out of my mind. Everything was going to be okay.

  He began to unbutton my shorts and slowly slide them down my body. He went to pull my boy shorts down and I grabbed his hand. “Wait.”

  “Okay. What happened?”

  I blushed; I am a little shy. Angel had seen a lot of chicks, more experienced chicks. What if my parts weren’t as good as the other chicks?

  “Hey, what did we say about it just being us in here? Focus on me, okay? Only me.” I nodded and released his hands. He slowly pulled my boy shorts down and discarded them somewhere. “Your bra, Jas. Undo your bra for me, please.” His voice was laced with what I hoped was need. I slowly undid my bra and tossed it aside, but I covered my breasts with my hands and my legs remained closed.