by E. L. Todd
She sniffed quietly.
“Please give that to me. I want it to be you. I can’t imagine anyone else’s face but yours. Please.”
She turned her face toward the pillow, completely out of my peripheral. “I don’t want to lose you…”
“Then say yes.”
“I can’t. You’ll never understand how much he hurt me. I can’t go through that again. I’ll break.”
“I’m not him,” I said harshly. “Stop assuming all men are abusive dogs that can’t keep their paws to themselves. I’ve more than proven how trustworthy I am. Don’t throw us away based on something that happened in the past.”
She released a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Mike.”
The doom hit me straight in the heart. “That’s your final answer?” The pain was in my voice.
She sniffed again. “I do love you…”
“Just not enough.”
She wrapped her arm around my waist and pressed her face into the crook of her neck. I felt the tears lather my skin. She cried in my arms, trying to stay quiet. My arm moved around her waist and rested on her lower back. I wasn’t an emotional guy, but I couldn’t fight the pain that welled inside me. Against my restraint, my eyes burned and a few tears fell.
I was losing the love of my life. And it wasn’t fair.
I held her in my arms the entire night, not closing my eyes other than to blink. She didn’t move from my embrace. We mourned together, knowing this was the last night we’d be together. Hours passed and no words were said.
I cherished the smell of her hair and the feel of her slight body in mine. I needed to remember all the little things about her I loved. Her slight breathing always lulled me to sleep. The way her arm rested on my chest, directly over my heart. The way she looked in my t-shirt that was way too big for her. That playful look she gave me when she teased me. The heat in her eyes when I made love to her late at night and early in the morning. I would miss all of it. Every day. My memories would have to last me a lifetime.
Since it was already so hard, I decided not to drag it out. The next morning, I called the movers and bought her an apartment near the office. I wasn’t going to leave her without knowing she wasn’t taken care of. I knew she didn’t want my money, but she didn’t object to it. I could tell she was too heartbroken to function.
When I got dressed in the morning, I tried not to look at her. I thought I’d choke up then change my mind about the entire thing. But I knew I needed to hold on to what I believed in when I was able to make the decision, even when it got too hard when I was in the darkness.
But damn, this was hard.
I told her she could take the day off to pack her things. I couldn’t help her with that. I didn’t want to stand by and watch while she took away every part of her essence. Half of my closet was filled with her things, and soon that half would be empty. She would take her feminine decorations and return my man cave to its former glory.
When I was at work, I was a zombie. People said hi as they passed me in the hall but I didn’t even notice them. I told my assistant not to bother me and not to let anyone enter my office for any reason. If people asked where I was, she was supposed to say I was out. And I wasn’t taking phone calls.
I went to work because I had nowhere else to go. I just wanted to be alone, to wallow in my pain in solitude. For the first time, I didn’t want my brother or Scarlet. I didn’t even want my dad. I was in too much pain to speak.
Around lunchtime, my brother pounded on my door. “Mike, you there?”
I stayed silent.
He tried the door but it was locked. “Open up, man.”
I didn’t move.
I heard him speak to my secretary. “Where’s Mr. Preston?”
“He’s out,” she said quickly.
“Out where?” he demanded. “You said that an hour ago.”
“I’m sorry I can’t help you, Mr. Preston.”
He walked off and left me in peace. But my phone lit up.
Where the hell are you?
I turned it off and ignored him. Instead of working on my paperwork and emails, I lay my head on the desk and sighed, trying not to cry. There were pictures of Cassandra on the surface but I didn’t have the strength to take them down. I wasn’t ready.
When I returned to the apartment, a few boxes were in the walkway. One glance around told me she already got rid of everything. A man walked through the door and picked up one of the boxes. Without speaking, he carried it down the hallway and to the moving truck at the street.
I tried not to cry. This was too fucking hard.
Cassandra emerged into the entryway, her hair pulled back and her skin pale. She wore a baggy t-shirt and yoga pants. She looked distraught and hollow. To me, she was still beautiful.
She took a deep breath and looked at the ground. “I got everything.” Her voice cracked when she spoke.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Need help with anything?”
“No.”
“Do you like your new apartment?”
“It’s very nice,” she whispered.
“It’s still under my name so he shouldn’t be able to find you. If he bothers you, let me know.”
She nodded. “I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can.”
Awkward silence stretched between us. She still didn’t look at me. Her bag was over her shoulder and her eyes were rimmed in red like she’d been crying all day. Her face mirrored the pain I felt in my heart.
The mover returned and grabbed the last box. “That’s everything.”
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
His gaze shifted between us then he cleared his throat. “We’ll wait for you downstairs.” He walked out and shut the door.
God, this was it. I couldn’t do this. It was too hard.
She didn’t move for several minutes. Finally, she moved to the door, walking right past me. She turned the knob then opened the door.
“I hate this.” I tried to still my tears but I couldn’t. “You have no idea how much this is killing me.”
“I do know.” Her lip quivered and she sniffed. The dam of tears broke and she sobbed.
I pulled her to my chest and held her, crying with her. “I will always love you, baby. Forever.”
“I’ll always love you.”
I kissed her forehead then moved my fingers through her hair one more time. “If you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I don’t care how much time has passed. My love for you will never die.”
She squeezed my waist and sniffed again.
We held each other with no intention of letting go.
Finally, she pulled away. “Thanks for everything.”
Reluctantly, my hand dropped from her waist. I wished she’d change her mind and just give me what I wanted. I wanted her every day for the rest of my life. I just wanted to love her. “If you ever change your mind, please come back.”
She didn’t speak. Her lip quivered again then she looked down. “Goodbye.”
I couldn’t say the words back. I couldn’t do it. My throat was constricted. My tongue was useless. This really couldn’t be the end. If I said it, it would make it true. She really wasn’t mine anymore.
She closed the door behind her, shutting me out completely. I listened to her footsteps as she walked away. When all signs of her existence faded, I finally took a breath and looked at my apartment. Everything that belonged to her was gone. Tears fell down my cheeks and I wasn’t embarrassed to feel them. I’ve never felt pain like this before.
I wandered into my bedroom and saw the bed neatly made. I never made my bed. Cassandra was always the one who did that. But there was a note.
I took your shirt. I figured you wouldn’t mind.
C.
I knew exactly what shirt she referred to. It was my large gray one. It reached her knees and covered her completely. Even though her curves were hidden, she still looked sexy. I’m glad she took it. I could never we
ar it again anyway.
The closet was empty of her belongings. It was like she was never there. All my suits and shirts were pushed to the side. It made me realize how little I really possessed.
When I got into the shower, her razor and shampoo was gone. Even the sponge she used was missing. The tile was brown and spotless. The water fell on me, reminding me of all the times I showered with her, rubbing my nose against hers and making her moan while I held her against the wall. I shut off the shower after standing there for sixty seconds because I couldn’t take it anymore. I dried off then sat on the couch, still naked. I knew I had to get a new apartment because this one held too many memories. It would haunt me forever.
I couldn’t avoid my family very long. My silence and inability to return a single phone call or text told them everything they needed to know. I knew they would break down my door eventually. Around six, it happened.
“Open the door, Mike.” It was Scarlet.
I sat still and didn’t move. My mind couldn’t force my body to cooperate. It was unresponsive. She continued to knock on the door but I ignored her. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
The lock turned then the door opened. Sean had a key to my place, so I figured they were taking advantage of that. They stood behind me but I didn’t turn around. I wanted to make a smartass remark but I couldn’t think of anything.
When I heard the scuffle of numerous pairs of feet, I knew it wasn’t just my brother and sister. They were all there.
The sound of the refrigerator caught my attention. The clank of beers being shoved inside and pizza boxes being dropped on the counter resonated in my ears. I’d recognize that sound anywhere.
Soon the couch was covered with all the people I was close to. Ryan, Janice, and Hazel sat on the opposite on from me, not looking at me. Scarlet sat directly next to me, her arm immediately moving over my shoulder. Sean sat beside her but didn’t say anything. And Monnique and Cortland took the edge of the seat. Silence ensued.
“Cassandra told us what happened,” Scarlet explained. “We’re so sorry, Mike.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was grateful they were there but I couldn’t word it. I stared out my window and tried to keep my emotions restrained. I hated being weak but there was nothing I could do about it. Cassandra ripped out my heart and left my chest vacant.
Two hands squeezed my shoulders from behind. I recognized their warmth from my youth. Every time I fell down and scraped my knee, he cleaned it and covered it with a Band-Aid. Every time I was suspended from school for pulling a prank on a teacher, he disciplined me then laughed with me. It was the hands I loved and respected most in the word.
“It’ll be okay, son.” His hands never left my shoulders.
And that broke me. The tears burned behind my eyes and a few escaped. “Thanks…”
He came around the couch then gave me a sad expression. I stood up and let him embrace me. I felt my chest heave with impending sobs.
He patted the back of my neck. “It’s okay to be upset. I’ve cried every day since I left your mother.”
I couldn’t cry in front of anyone but my family. They were the only people I’d let see me this weak and vulnerable. I had to be strong for everyone else in the world but I didn’t have to be that way now. “Make it go away…”
“I can’t. But I can help you get through it.”
“We all can.” Sean came behind me and patted my back.
14
Sean
I was depressed. We all were, actually.
Scarlet was the worst. She barely spoke, and when she did, it was short.
My brother and I had our ups and downs, but I had his back until the end of time. And seeing him this upset really shattered my heart. I felt the pain because I’d experienced it before. I was slightly angry with Cassandra for hurting him like this. The protective side of me emerged.
Scarlet and I hadn’t finished our fight since last week. In light of Mike’s pain, we simply forgot about it. But there was a point I wanted to make. “Can we take the fight off hold?”
She shrugged. “I don’t even care about it anymore.”
“Neither do I. All I ask is you let me know where you are. That’s it.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
That was simple. “You’ll let me know from now on?”
“Yes. I was just distracted at the moment.”
“Okay.” Her depression made her far less argumentative.
She leaned over the table and rested her chin in her hand. “I hate this.”
“I do too.”
“Let’s have dinner with him tonight.”
“Okay.”
We’d been spending a lot of time with Mike since his break up last week. We knew distracting him and keeping him occupied wouldn’t chase the pain away, but it was better than leaving him alone.
“We should ask him if he wants to stay here again,” I said.
“He’ll say no. He said he found an apartment just down the road from his old one. I think he’s going to take it.”
I couldn’t imagine living in an apartment with Scarlet’s ghost. I’d abandon the house and live under a rock just to get away from it. “Do you think she’ll change her mind?”
Scarlet sighed. “If she was going to, she would have come back already. And if she really wanted to be with Mike, she wouldn’t have left in the first place.” The bitterness was in her voice. “I had to go through this with Cortland and now I have to suffer through it with Mike. God, it kills me. I hate seeing how sad he is. I wish I could do something…”
My wife was always selfless toward others. She would harbor all the pain to herself if she could. “He’ll get through this, baby. I know he will.”
“I hope so.”
We went to an Italian restaurant in the city. Everyone dimmed down the affection toward their partners. I sat beside Scarlet but didn’t touch her. I naturally wanted to put my hand on her thigh or around her shoulders, but I resisted. I knew our relationship would make Mike feel the worst. That’s exactly what he wanted.
Cortland sat next to Ryan on the opposite side of the table. They both abandoned their girls. Andrew sat next to them, looking smug.
Scarlet looked at the menu. “What are you going to get, Mike? The artichoke raviolis look good.”
He shrugged. “I don’t care. I’m not hungry.”
In just a week, he’d lost substantial weight. Perhaps it was just water weight but he definitely looked different.
“Well, I think you should get it,” she pressed. “Just try a few bites.”
He rested his elbows on the table and downed his beer.
Hazel came into the restaurant and squeezed in beside Ryan. “Sorry I’m late. I had practice.”
“How’s that going?” Cortland asked.
“I need foot replacements,” she said with a sigh. “I can hardly walk anymore.”
Cortland chuckled. “At least you burn a million calories and can eat whatever you want.”
“The first part is true. Not really the second part,” Hazel countered.
“So, how’s the modeling thing going?” Ryan asked Monnique. “You should get me in. I look good on camera.” He winked.
“It’s a lot of fun,” Monnique answered. “But it’s definitely a new world.”
“Got any cute friends?” I asked.
Everyone glared at me.
“For my dad,” I added quickly.
Ryan relaxed. I thought he was going to kill me.
“I can pick up my own chicks,” Andrew said.
“A lot of them,” Mike added.
That was the first time Mike said something voluntarily, and not in retaliation to a question. Everyone noticed it.
I continued the subject. “Every time Dad and I hit the gym, a hot girl wearing a skimpy outfit made a pass at him. Every time. I don’t get it. I didn’t get that much attention when I was in college as a rich boy.”
“Because you were an ass,�
� Mike countered.
I didn’t care if he insulted me. I was just glad he was talking. By no means was he over the break up, but at least he was interacting with other people again.
“You were a bit of an ass,” Scarlet added.
I shrugged. “I guess you have a point.”
A woman approached our table, wearing a cocktail dress and a tie. “Can I get you anymore drinks?”
“I’m good,” I said. ‘Thanks.”
Mike finished his beer. “I’ll take another one.”
“No, thank you,” Andrew said.
“Coming right up.” She disappeared then returned a minute later. After she placed the beer in front of Mike, she eyed Andrew. “Are you sure you don’t want anything, honey?”
Honey?
“I’m quite alright. Thank you,” Andrew said politely.
She pulled a business card out of her bra then placed it on the table. “Give me a call sometime. My name is Samantha.” She winked then walked away.
Ryan’s mouth dropped open. Then he clapped. “You are the man.” He bowed to Andrew over the table. “You must teach me, master.”
“You’re badass,” Cortland said.
I rolled my eyes. I was used to this so it wasn’t even funny anymore.
“Let me guess,” Mike said bitterly. “You aren’t going to call her?”
Andrew shrugged. “She’s not my type.”
“Beautiful? Thin? Curvy? Young?” Monnique asked incredulously. “Then what is your type?”
“My wife,” Andrew said simply. He drank his water and avoided everyone’s gaze.
That made me sad. My father was better at hiding his pain than most people, so sometimes I forgot just how depressed he was. I was focusing on Mike so I forgot about him.