Alone

by Abigail Wallace

  “You never know. Around here, they might.” I argue, but without him having to say anything else I agree. We smile at each other.

  “Great, I’ll get the basket.” He springs up onto his feet and bolts to the dining room.

  “Oh you meant right now!” I exclaim, trying not to burst into laughter over his excitement. He never seemed like the type to act like this.

  “Yes right now, it’s as good a time as any.” he replies, walking back into the room with a light brown wicker basket. I stand awkwardly hoping he’ll lead the way. He does.

  I follow Shark in silence through tall grass and thick trees. A chilly breeze floats through the air, complementing the sun beating down on the world.

  “So…where are we going?” I ask, pushing a small branch away from my face.

  “You’ll see. It’s right ahead.” he replies. I watch as he steps over a medium sized boulder. I’d hate to admit it to myself, but with every movement he makes and every new thing I learn about him I feel myself begin to fall for him a bit more. It seems sketchy, of course I’d have feelings for the one mysterious guy I meet after everyone else dies. I question my feelings sometimes. Unsure if they’re genuine or not, but then he does stuff like this and I just know.

  “Here it is.” he says pushing through a couple of pine branches to reveal a big clearing. I look around in awe. It’s a big open field surrounded by thick trees. I see birds flying around and a couple of squirrels running around collecting for their winter stash of acorns. I haven’t seen this many animals in so long…or I haven’t been paying attention if they’ve been around. He unfolds a blanket and lays it out on the grass.

  “This is kind of my spot, I come here to think and be alone.” he tells me. “There’s actually a small stream up that way a bit.” He points to a thin path to his right.

  “It’s amazing.” I say, still looking around. I brush the palms of my hands over the grass, it tickles a little. He unpacks the basket, passing me a sandwich. I take it gratefully. “This makes me feel like I should apologize for silently cursing you out on the way here.” I chuckle, instantly regretting admitting to that. He gives me an affectionate look, no dark eyes should be able to sparkle like that. I cross my legs as I eat my sandwich. I guess I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I had this sandwich in my hands.

  “So what’s with you suddenly wanting to go on a date?” I wonder.

  He shrugs, chewing his sandwich. I wait for him to swallow.

  “I don’t know. I was just thinking, we’ve been kind of dancing around it since that night and I wanted to take you on a date, forget about everything for a little bit.” he replies. He reaches over and grabs my hand.

  I finish my sandwich and turn to rest my head in his lap, staring dreamily at the sky.

  “This is insane.” I sigh.

  “What?” he asks.

  “A few months ago I lost everything, we all did. The world’s looked so dull and grim since then. But, here I am staring at a vibrant blue sky, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, touching the green grass with my hands. It’s always been here, through the bombings and everything we’ve lost.” I sit up on my elbow “And it’s so beautiful and I think I’m falling in love with it.” I finish rambling.

  “In love with a field?”

  “In love with the field, in love with this life…in love with you, I think.” I say impulsively. My heart beats rapidly as I wait for him to reply. I used to make fun of people who were afraid of telling others they love them. What’s so dangerous about it? I always wondered. I guess now I know the feeling.

  “With me?” he chokes out. “You as in everybody? Or you as in me?” I almost laugh at his confusion.

  “I mean you.” I reply, breathing in sharply. He stares at me awkwardly for a minute and then looks up at the sky.

  “We should probably be heading back soon, we have some work to do.” he says.

  I frown, I was hoping for something more along the lines of “I love you too” or at least…I don’t know, something. I guess this is what makes it so scary. I stand and help him fold the blanket, he avoids looking at me. We hike back through the woods in silence.

  Ally meets us at the door when we return. Shark gives me a pathetic look, scratching the back of his head.

  “How’d it go?” she asks. She probably picked up on the awkward aura floating around the two of us. I just shake my head and walk past her.

  In the garden I find Kat, she’s sitting alone, hugging her knees. I consider leaving her to her thoughts, but knowing Kat that probably wouldn’t be a good idea. The last few weeks have been filled with Kat’s mental breakdowns and pessimism.

  “Hey,” I say. Walking over to her.

  “Oh, hey.” she sniffs.

  “Can I sit?” I ask, gesturing to the spot next to her.

  She nods, barely lifting her head to look at me. I sit down next to her, crossing my legs.

  “What’s going on?”

  She doesn’t reply.

  I sigh, not sure what to say or do. How does one comfort someone this depressed?

  “Kat, you have to talk. Maybe not to me, that’s fine. I can get Reese or Kevin?” I offer.

  “I don’t want to talk.” she finally says. “I just want to sit here and be sad.” She looks at me for the first time since I came out here. I expected tears but there were none, she doesn’t look sad, she looks empty.

  I think back to months ago when I first met everyone, Ally and Kat were both unbearably hyper, talking nonstop. Now she barely talks at all.

  “Well, I’m just gonna sit here then. In case you change your mind.” I tell her. I look over to see her staring off at nothing.

  We’ve been sitting out here in silence for a long time. The sun’s beginning to set. I’ll admit that I did consider leaving a couple of times, but Shark’s inside and that’s enough incentive to stay out here. Also Kat needs me. I just wish I knew what to do.

  I’ve seen this type of thing before, back before the bombings. My best friend during Sophomore year became extremely depressed and withdrawn. I didn’t know what to do then either. At some point her parents had her admitted to some program in Wisconsin. I haven’t seen her since that happened. I felt just as helpless then as I do now.

  “Kat, let’s go inside.” I say. “You should eat something.”

  “I’m not hungry.” she mumbles.

  “Just come inside.” I push myself off the ground. My legs asleep, my back sore. I stretch. By now the sky has almost become completely black, stars are beginning to peek through the clouds, a quarter moon rises higher and higher in the sky.

  “I want to stay out here.” she tells me. I don’t know what I need to do to convince her to come inside.

  “Okay.” I reply hesitantly. “But if it starts to get cold, please come in.”

  “You got it boss.” she says, the phrase is supposed to be witty but it just comes out dry.

  * * *

  “Scarlet, can we talk?” Shark asks as soon as I walk back in the back door. I didn’t see where he came from. It’s like he was waiting by the door for me to come in, maybe he was. I glare at him, walking straight past. I hear him sigh in frustration.

  “What’s that about?” Kevin asks me. Him and Ally have probably been discussing our date ever since we got back. I look at him shaking my head.

  “Men are stupid.” I say.

  “Ouch.” Kevin laughs lightly.

  “Scarlet come on!” Shark calls to me. I squeeze my hands into fists at my side.

  “What?” I snap. Turning slowly around to face him.

  “Oh boy.” I hear Kevin mumble. He backs away from the two of us.

  “Can we just talk?” he pleads, his eyes sad. Those stupid, stupid eyes.

  I take a deep breath, “Fine.”

  I walk over to him.

  “Let’s take a walk.” he suggests.

  “After you.” I say gesturing to the door. I follow him as he walks out of the house.

  We wa
lk in awkward silence for a while, alternating who takes a deep breath in, beginning to talk and then chickening out before words can form in our mouths. I realize it’s dumb. Being mad because he hasn’t fallen in love with me in a month. It’s pretty juvenile, but it matters to me. I guess I’m just hoping that I’m not making this up in my head.

  “Listen,” he begins “I freaked out earlier and I’m sorry. I just…I can’t fall in love right now.”

  “You can’t…what? What kind of an excuse is that?”

  “I can’t go into detail.” he sighs. I watch him fight with himself for a couple minutes. “I’m not supposed to.”

  “Not supposed to?” I step closer to him. I’m not mad. I should be, but I’m not. “Shark what are you talking about?”

  “I think I’m falling in love with you too.” he says. “I can’t tell you everything. But Scarlet…I’m leaving.”

  “Leaving?” I frown. My heart sinks as I feel myself reach for his hands. “Why?”

  “I don’t have a reason to stay anymore.” he replies vaguely. He’s not making any sense.

  “Where else is there to go?” I don’t understand. “Why can’t you stay here?”

  “Scarlet, I can’t explain it to you.” He pauses for a second, thinking of what to say next.

  “After everything. After Evan and our date, our late night talks. After I finally give in and fall in love with you. You’re just going to leave?”

  “I have to.”

  “No you don’t! There’s nowhere else to go.”

  “I have something I have to do.”

  I glare at him, I don’t know how I feel anymore. He stares at me, wishing he could tell me what he’s hiding from me.

  Then, when I wasn’t expecting it, he wraps his arms around me loosely, leans in, and gently kisses my lips.

  I freeze, shocked. I’m caught completely off guard, but not disappointed. He pulls away. I smile, wrinkling my nose. The feeling still lingering on my lips like the remnants of some kind of magic. I giggle.

  “Did you just kiss me?” I laugh, unable to keep from smiling. “After telling me you’re leaving?”

  “Yes ma’am I did.” He smiles, still gently holding me. I kiss him, more relaxed than last time.

  “Interesting timing.” I mumble.

  “I have to go.” he replies. I can tell he doesn’t want to. But he must have a reason to go. “Within the next couple of weeks.”

  “When?”

  “Don’t worry about that now, we have time.” He tells me. “Can we just be happy for now?” I nod.

  I’m still sad, and confused. But I agree to enjoy the time we have now. To be in love, while we still can.

  7

  Chapter 7

  A few more days have passed. Shark and I have grown closer. He hasn’t said much else about having to leave, but I know it’s still coming. Unless I can convince him not to.

  The house is finally mostly fixed up. It looks nice now.

  We found some bicycles in a garage nearby and were able to use them to go to a hardware store and bring back some supplies. Carrying everything back was quite a struggle, but we figured it out.

  Like we predicted, we’re beginning to run low on food as the weather grows colder. We have a meeting this morning to discuss this issue and come up with ideas.

  I sit at the dining table waiting as everybody trickles in one by one. Shark and Alec sit on either side of me.

  “Morning guys.” I start the meeting. “Alright, you all know why we’re having a meeting. We’re running low on food and need a new plan.”

  We all exchange glances. Kat raises her hand. I consider not letting her share her idea. I know that it’s going to be a depressing, hopeless comment. I nod, signaling her to go ahead.

  “Maybe just starve?” she says. I saw that coming. She sees my look and turns away from me. “Or,” she begins to make a new suggestion, “we can go to the grocery store and get all of their canned goods and stuff.”

  “We can, and we should.” Alec says “But what happens when that runs out?”

  “What if we start hunting?” Shark suggests.

  Everyone looks at him like he suggested we eat tree bark…which may at some point be our only option.

  “Hunt what?” Alec asks. “When’s the last time you saw any animals around here?” Shark and I look at each other, I’m pretty sure I know what he’s thinking.

  “Yesterday afternoon actually.” Shark replies. “There’s a stream with plenty of fish in it.” I watch Alec’s hands grip the sides of his chair.

  “You’re just telling us about this now?” he asks, his voice calm, but not a good type of calm. I place my hand on his. He looks at me.

  “Calm down.” I mouth to him. He grunts, turning his gaze back to Shark.

  “Okay, I think we should start with fishing.” I say. “While the weather’s still nice we’ll fish and then later as we get into winter let’s go to the store and get the canned goods we’ll need.”

  “Yeah, let’s just go right now.” Alec says, standing up abruptly. “I wanna see this stream.” He’s obviously upset with Shark. Everybody else follows suit, except me.

  “You guys go ahead.” I say. They all turn back to look at me. “I’m tired.”

  “Alright.” Alec shrugs. Shark looks at me as if he was asking if I was alright, I smile slightly and nod. I watch as they pack up their gear and head out.

  Shark attempts to convince me to come a couple of times. I refuse each time.

  * * *

  I sit alone, the house eerily quiet. I stare blankly out at the garden, almost wishing I had gone with them. Lately, I feel like my brain has grown to be a dark place. Every time I’m alone, I feel myself growing angrier and angrier. Evan’s plans and everything keep resurfacing in my mind.

  “This is what we know.” I begin to think. “The bunker is real, so Evan was right about that. What if he was right about everything else too?”

  “The bunker is real.” I repeat out loud. A sadistic thought comes over me, like Evan’s voice is whispering my ear. I spring into action, grabbing a pen and a notebook.

  I write furiously, plotting and sketching. I try to remember the maps and blueprints, as if my memory would be that good. It’s not. I never showed Alec the house so all of Evan’s stuff should still be there.

  “I’ll go look later.” I tell myself. I no longer feel like I’m in control, my mind races with ideas. I must have lost track of time because before I know it Shark is tapping my shoulder, staring at the papers strewn along the floor in front of me. I snap out of my daze, looking around.

  “What’s all this?” he asks as he begins to lean over and pick up a piece of notebook paper. I snatch it from his hand and read the top line.

  “It’s nothing.” I say, frantically picking up all of the papers, holding them defensively against my chest. He stares at me confused. I pray that he wasn’t able to read any of this.

  “Scarlet?” He tries to grab them from me.

  “I don’t know Shark!” I snap. “I don’t know what this is.” I take a step back. “I guess I just…had a moment. I was just sitting here thinking and…I don’t know.”

  I lay the papers back down on the floor, face down.

  “That’s not just a moment.” He gestures to the papers. “That’s insanity. What happened? You were fine when we left.”

  “Okay, so now you think I’m crazy…that’s great.” I sigh. All of it is based around Evan’s theories.

  “Well this isn’t exactly sane.” he says. “I thought we were past this. I thought you refused to help Evan.”

  “I don’t know. “ I say. “I feel like everytime I think I’ve gotten past it, the urge comes back.” I try to explain.

  He picks up the list and looks it over.

  “So,” he starts, I can hear the judgement in his voice, “you’re gonna oh, build a bomb!” He narrows his eyes “Because obviously you know how to do that.”

  “Technically just detona
te Evan’s bomb.” I rub the back of my neck.

  “You’ll end up blowing yourself up.” He chuckles lightly in disbelief.

  “You’re right. I’ll let it go.” I say. Hoping that will calm him down. “I’m sorry.”

  He takes my hands, staring into my eyes.

  “Are you actually going to let it go?” he asks. “Don’t say that just to avoid conflict.”

  “No…I mean it. I don’t know why I wrote that out anyway.” I lie. “I’m sorry.” I repeat. He wraps me in his arms.. He kisses me gently on the top of my head, swaying back and forth like he was rocking a baby to sleep.

  “Okay, I trust you.”

  I relax, knowing that at least for this moment I am safe, even from myself.

  “You shouldn’t.” I whisper into his chest.

  “What was that?” he asks softly.

  “Oh, nothing.” I say a bit louder. Suddenly I’m reminded of the night he told me he was leaving. Will this make him?

  “Shark?”

  “Hm?”

  “You’re not gonna leave are you?” I know I couldn’t handle it if he did. “Because of this?”

  “Not because of this. But, I don’t know Scarlet.” he replies. I’m scared he’s still considering it. “I need to go do something…but I want to be here for you.”

  “I need you here.”

  “I know.” He sighs. “I’m figuring it out.”

  * * *

  Kat walks into the room as Shark picks up the papers, crumpling them up into a ball. She stands beside me so I choose to start a conversation.

  “You alright?” I ask.

  “It doesn’t matter if I am or not. Does it?” She shrugs.

  “Kat,” I pause, “it does matter.”

  “Is that all?” she asks. “You just wanna give me a pep talk?”