“No Kat, I want you to honestly tell me what’s going on with you…please.” I struggle to think of what to say.
“Okay, I feel like starving to death doesn’t sound so bad right now.” she says, annoyed. “You want honesty? I feel like there’s nothing left for me, left for any of us on this earth. Whether there are other people in the world or not, I’ve lost my people and we’ll just keep meeting and losing people in this endless cycle. I’m tired of the dead bodies Scarlet. I can’t do this anymore.” She nearly shouts.
“Not everyone’s going to die.” I say helplessly.
“Maybe not, but the people I loved the most already did.” I can tell she wants the conversation to end. I’m worried she’ll walk away and I won’t get another chance to cheer her up. To fix her.
“I know you want me to be happy and all that Scarlet.” she says to me. “But I don’t get how you expect any of us to be happy right now. Or ever again.” We stand there side by side for a long moment, not even looking at each other.
“I’m happy for you Scarlet. You’re hopeful, dedicated to finding a solution to all of this. But for some of us, most of us probably, hope just isn’t enough. There’s no fixing this, no fixing me.” She scans me silently with her empty eyes before walking away.
I lean against the wall and slide down until I’m sitting,
“What are you doing?” Ty asks, sitting down next to me.
“Thinking.” I reply. I stare at the wooden floor.
“About?”
“Kat mostly.” I look at him. “I just wish I was able to fix her. To fix all of this.”
“Scarlet, processing this much loss is a huge struggle. It’s going to Kat a lot of time to heal from this.” he says. “But you’re doing really well. I know this is hard, but without you keeping us hopeful, we’d all be in the same boat as Kat.” I smile at him awkwardly.
“Thanks. I’m trying but I feel like I’m starting to lose hope. Alec’s clearly been wasted the past two nights and Kat’s been suicidal since she got back. It feels like nothing will ever be good again.” Tears well up in my eyes. Ty places his hand on my shoulder.
“We’ll be okay.” Is the last thing he says before I break down in sobs.
The two of us sit in each other’s company for a long while after.
* * *
After I talk to Ty, I choose to go for a walk to cool off and clear my head. The air is cool, almost frosty. It’s going to be a cold night. I find Alec sitting behind a shed in the backyard of the neighboring house.
“Alec, you alright?” I ask.
He jumps a little. I have a feeling that something is off. I see tears clouding his eyes.
“Alec,” I move closer, “What’s wrong?” I notice an empty bottle of vodka laying on the ground next to him. “Are you—”
“Go away Scarlet.” He slurs.
“I’m not gonna do that Alec.” I cautiously step towards him.
“Please, just leave me alone.”
I consider leaving like he asks but something tells me not to. I sit on the ground facing him
“Alec, what’s going on? Are you drunk?”
“I think that question answers itself.” he mumbles, picking up the bottle and chucking it across the yard. “Do you ever question it?” he asks.
“What?”
“Fighting,” he says, picking at the grass. “Living out here all alone with literally no reason to do anything.”
“All the time. It’s been hard these last few weeks.” I reply sympathetically.
“Maybe we should stop.” he says “I mean what are we even fighting for? Scarlet, there is nothing left to fight for, there’s no reason for any of this.”
“No, stop,” I say, “I can’t go through this twice in one day.” I mumble
“Just tell me. What is it that we’re fighting for?”
“Each other I guess. I don’t know. We’re family now Alec, we fight for each other.” I say. “So…get yourself together and come home because we all need you. We’re falling apart and we’re not gonna survive this if you fall apart too.”
Our eyes meet and I can see how much hurt and anger he has stored up. “Kat really needs you.” I add “I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.” he says.
“You’ll just have to deal with it until we figure this out. You’ll have to keep fighting Alec, it’s your only option.” I stand up.
“What’s going on with Kat?” he asks.
“Just…come home with me and talk to her.” I plead. He just stares blankly at a tree. “Alec, please.”
“I’ll meet you back there later.” he replies. “Don’t need them to see me like this.”
I nod reluctantly and begin walking towards the house.
I waited up all night for him to return to the house, but he didn’t until the next morning and he slept most of the day.
8
Chapter 8
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve begun to sneak off and study Evan’s papers. I’ve also added my own. I was never any good at this type of stuff in school, understanding it that is. I know I can pull this off though, I have to. I know the others are growing suspicious of me disappearing all the time. But with Alec running off and getting drunk all the time he hasn’t been around enough to keep tabs on me. Which means Shark is the only one I need to worry about. I feel myself grow guilty over Evan’s death, knowing he wasn’t lying. I see Shark’s silhouette in the distance, as I’m walking towards the house. I can tell it’s him by the way he’s walking. He catches up to me fast.
“Hey.” I greet him.
“Where have you been all day?” he asks suspiciously.
“Just wandering around.” I reply.
“Okay, well we need you back to the house right now, Kat’s acting really weird and Alec’s missing…again.”
I sigh.
“Why can’t you handle it?” I ask.
“Because you’re better at this than me. I don’t know a thing about comforting people.”
“Shark, I can’t right now. I don’t want to deal with it. I get that Kat and Alec are having a rough time, and that sucks, but so am I. I’m tired and I’m pissed off and I do not want to have to comfort everybody else. It’s not my job to talk all you psychos off a ledge.” I vent. “It’s not my job.” I repeat, feeling weak and tired.
“Scarlet, I know things are hard for you too, but they need you right now.” he says.
“I don’t want them to need me.” I sigh. But I reluctantly follow him back anyway.
Shark wanders off to find Alec, knowing I couldn’t handle dealing with both Kat and Alec today.
“We’ve lost everything! What’s the point Kev?” I hear Kat scream. I stand at the bottom of the stairs and listen.
“I know, Kat. I’m sorry you feel this way, but you’ve got me and Ally and Scarlet.”
“But I lost my family and everything I know.” Kat sobs. My heart breaks knowing that she’s in so much pain and knowing that it’s only going to get worse before it ever gets better. “I shot someone Kev. I killed someone. I can’t forgive myself for that.”
“You had to Kat. She would have killed you. She would have killed all of us.”
“Kat, please just put the gun down. We can talk after you put the gun down.” I hear Reese say.
I bolt up the stairs where the voices are coming from.
“Kat, please put it down.” Ally says softly, moving cautiously towards Kat. Her outstretched arm trembles.
“I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much.” she cries. “It hurts too much.”
“Please Kat.” Kevin’s voice breaks as he searches for the right words to say to her.
I’m paralyzed, unable to move or speak. Nobody notices that I’ve entered the room and I’m afraid of what will happen if they do.
“I’m sorry.” Kat says. Her body trembles as she adjusts her grip on the loaded pistol. Ty notices me but says nothing to the group of worried teenagers.
“I just want it to stop.�
� Kat whispers.
“Please.” Kevin steps towards her. He’s almost close enough to reach for the gun. I open my mouth to speak as I see Kat’s finger begin to add more pressure to the trigger and then Bang. Her body drops to the ground, a pool of blood surrounds her head. Kevin and Ally race to her still warm, but lifeless body. Kevin picks her up and holds her trying to convince her to wake up while Ally cries uncontrollably staring into her friend’s dull eyes.
Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. Reese turns away, unable to look. All I see is the smoking gun as a pit of emptiness grows in my stomach. I wasn’t here. Kat was hurting and I wasn’t here. Guilt creeps up into my throat as I watch the scene play out in front of me. I was so worried about myself. I didn’t even want to come. I told Shark I didn’t want to deal with this.
Everything was going so well and then this. I slowly walk towards Kat and squat down. Without thinking I grab the gun and stare at it for a second before throwing it out the open window. I run my fingers through my hair.
“I can’t believe this.” I whisper. Kevin gives Ally a hug and leaves the room.
“Who’s gonna tell Alec?” Ally asks, she’s holding Kat’s pale hand now.
“I’ll handle it.” I say. I hope Alec doesn’t return until he’s slept off the vodka I know he’s been drinking.
I feel like I might throw up. Guilt finds its place in my chest as I run through every other scenario that didn’t end in that gun going off.
I stand up, still in shock. I don’t know where my legs are taking me, but I follow them.
“Kevin.” I say walking onto the porch.
“I should’ve done something.” he mumbles. He stares at his hands, now covered in blood.
“What were you supposed to do?” I ask, sitting down next to him.
“I should’ve grabbed the gun or I don’t know.” His voice cracks and tears begin to roll down his cheeks again. I don’t know how to respond to this. I have no idea what to say to make him feel better.
“She was alive this morning.” He sobs “She was here and now she’s not.”
I stare at him. I don’t know how to help him. I didn’t know how to help her. I feel useless.
“How does that even happen Scarlet?” He looks at me.
“I don’t know.” I reply, my voice coming out as a strangled whisper.
“How did we get here?” he asks “How did everything go so wrong, so fast?”
“I don’t know.” I repeat, looking at my shoes.
“You don’t know anything do you?” he snaps. “You and your stupid fake positive attitude. You keep saying this will get better, everything will get easier. You promised me she’d be okay. She’d get through this. But she isn’t okay, she’s dead! Nothing’s getting better. Maybe we should all just follow Kat’s lead and shoot ourselves in the head.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth, there’s nothing out here. There’s nothing in this world for us. Not anymore. Not if she’s gone.”
I don’t know what to say. Especially since I’m beginning to agree with him.
“It’s your fault you know.” he says. “You sent us out there to prove a point to Alec, and it wrecked her.”
“I didn’t mean to.” I reply through a shaky breath.
“But you did!” he shouts. I lean away from him, startled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“When we were on our trip.” he begins. “When we were on our trip we met a girl, Carrie. She was in the bunker with us. She seemed sweet and Kat got close to her.
One day, Kat overheard Carrie and her husband discussing something. Or she tried to listen in, but she didn’t hear what it was about.
They saw her. Kat confronted Carrie about it after. The two of them were fighting about it, like screaming, shouting, eventually shoving, sort of fighting.” He pauses for a breath. “Carrie pulled a gun on Kat. Kat managed to get the gun from Carrie and shot her with it. The same pistol she used today. We never learned what it was about, we just ran after it went down. It messed with her a lot though, I could tell. Kat was too sweet, too optimistic to be responsible for taking a life.”
“I had no idea.” I say. “What were they trying to hide?” I wonder.
“Don’t know, whatever Carrie thought Kat heard must have been a big deal.” he responds. “But why does that matter now? Kat is dead. Can you stop living in your made up, conspiracy world, and think about her? Just for a moment?”
“I’m sorry.” I cover my mouth with my hand as tears drip on top of it. A wave of anger crashes over me and with all my strength I scream. I hit the wooden porch with the palm of my hand and I scream and I keep screaming until my throat is sore and no noise comes out.
I feel as lifeless as Kat looked, my hands begin to shake as much as hers did as she pulled the trigger. The entire scene plays out in my head as I cry every tear I have and remember that if she hadn’t gone on that trip she would still be here.
Kevin’s right, it’s my fault. All of this is, and I have to fix it somehow. I have to make this right.
“I’ll leave you alone.” Kevin says after a moment. “I think we could all use some time to process.”
“It should have been me.” I say numbly.
“What?” He turns back around.
“I should’ve gone on that trip with you. I shouldn’t have sent Kat. I should be the one who’s dead, not her. It shouldn’t have been her.”
I know that he wouldn’t say it, but he agrees.
After he leaves, I wait for a few minutes before sneaking off to the other house. I enter the house and begin to pull out all of Evan’s stuff. It doesn’t seem crazy anymore.
I begin to feel like I got Evan killed for being right. His plans are detailed enough that I think I might know what to do next, maybe. I pull the device out from under the table and begin gently tinkering with different wires and things. He had most of the work done and I’m grateful for that. I read off his checklist and check the bomb three times before realizing the only thing I really have to do is put the outside cover on and get it inside of the bunker.
As I read through his plan, I realize that I only have a vague idea of where the bunker is. Evan has these two maps, but it only has a large circle around where he thought he remembered the bunker being. How do I find it?
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the door slowly open. Quickly I run around the room, picking up the papers and shoving them under the couch. I hear heavy footsteps coming towards me. I see Alec coming through the doorway, he fixes his eyes on me.
“Scarlet, what are you doing hiding in here?” he asks.
“Just wandering around.” I lie. “What are you doing here?”
“We’ve been looking for you all day.” he tells me. “Are you okay?”
“So, you know then?” I ask, making sure before I say anything about Kat’s death. He looks away from me.
“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “I know.”
“I’m so sorry Alec. I should’ve been there. I shouldn’t have been—” I stop myself before I say too much. “It’s my fault.” I finish.
He doesn’t disagree.
“What were you doing?” he asks suspiciously. “Why weren’t you at the house?”
“I was going for a walk.” I lie, again.
“You’ve been going on a lot of walks.”
“I like walks.”
“Is that all it is?” He scans the room again. I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “You disappear a lot.”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“Alright.” He frowns “Well, you should come back to the house. We’re gonna bury her and I think you need to be there.”
“I don’t want to.” I reply, looking down at the floor. “I don’t want to see her like that again.”
“Scarlet, come say goodbye. This’ll be your only chance.” I feel sick to my stomach, the scene plays out in my head once more.
“I can’t”
/> “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” Alec begins to walk out of the house.
“Wait!” I shout after him. “I’ll come.” I can’t let my guilt stop me from saying goodbye.
We walk close to each other. I keep feeling like I should say something comforting or apologize again or something.
“It wasn’t your fault.” He breaks the silence.
“Feels like it is.” I reply. “It feels like there was a string of events that caused it to happen and all of them were set in motion by me.”
“Maybe, but in the end it was Kat’s choice. I know you tried. I saw how much you worried about her.”
“It wasn’t enough Alec. We didn’t do enough.” I begin to cry.
“No…we didn’t.” he agrees, his eyes falling to the ground. We walk around to the yard beyond the garden where Shark and Kevin are almost finished digging a Kat’s grave.
“This is gonna suck.” I mumble to Alec.
“Yup, it is.” He nods.
We both take a deep breath before joining the others.
9
Chapter 9
As I stare into the hole that the boys have dug, I realize that I’m not overwhelmed by grief now. Sure I’ll miss Kat, or I probably will, but all I feel is jealous. Maybe it’s messed up, a little sadistic. Maybe she wasn’t crazy, maybe she did the right thing for herself. Why should we have to bother with this anymore? Nobody else has to. My mind takes me back to the day I sent them out there. I replay the conversation Alec and I had right after.
“You can’t do that until you take care of that bunker.” I tell myself. I question why I even came to this when I could be finishing up everything that needs to be done. I could leave tonight if I wanted to. Maybe I should. Finish everything and leave after everyone falls asleep.
I look around at everyone sobbing. Why am I not sobbing? Sure, I’ve cried, I was upset, but why not now? I see them bring her body out and drop her into the pit in a less than gentle manner. That should upset me, right? Seeing them plop her dead body into her grave. Thoughts run through my head, I look around at the people with me, knowing they are here but feeling completely alone. Feeling empty and numb. I wonder if this is the denial phase that everyone talks about…maybe I’m just pretending it didn’t happen, wishing it didn’t.
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