‘I know, but when you didn’t answer your texts or pick up your phone, I thought something was wrong. Ed came round that same night demanding to know what was going on. He’s not stupid, Anna. Sophie told him that you were in a funny mood that day and you left with me and of course it wasn’t difficult for him to put two and two together.’
‘A funny mood? She’d have been in a bloomin’ funny mood if she’d found out her boyfriend was playing away. But, oh wait! She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She was just borrowing mine.’
‘He’s gutted. Completely gutted. He knows he’s made the biggest mistake of his life and he wants to put it right. He doesn’t want to lose you and he’ll do anything to make things better. He was the one who insisted we came down here to find you.’
‘And Sophie? Did she have to come too? Forgive me, but isn’t that a bit insensitive?’
‘Yes, it is. But she really wants to talk to you as well. Before all of this you two were the best of friends. Despite what you think, they both love you dearly and they are deeply sorry for the hurt their actions have caused you. Honestly, all they want to do is make everything better.’
It was the use of the word love that got me. I bit back the tears. I wouldn’t cry because I’d told myself I was over that whole crying thing now. After a while it all became very tedious. And only made a mess of your face, making your eyes all puffy and giving you a stinking headache. It simply wasn’t worth the aggravation. It didn’t make you feel any better and only made you look a whole lot worse.
No, it was an increasing anger that fuelled me now. It was easy for them to say they loved me, after all they’d done to me. They didn’t know the meaning of the word love! They would never have betrayed me in the first place if they’d really loved me.
I looked across at Ben with sadness, knowing that all our relationships had been irrevocably altered. Not just mine and Ed’s and mine and Sophie’s obviously, but mine and Ben’s too. Whatever happened now, we’d never be able to recapture that easy intimacy we’d once shared. My whole life, everything I knew, wiped out in one fell swoop.
‘So did you tell them everything?’
‘What?’
‘You know, did you tell them how you had to fight off my pathetic attempts to seduce you? I bet that gave you all a big laugh.’
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Anna. Stop being so bloody self-indulgent. I get that you’re hurt and bruised and you want to lash out, but you’re not the only person in the world this has ever happened to. Yes, it’s a bloody shitty thing to have happened, but like it or not it has happened now and you’ve got to decide how you’re going to deal with. You can’t spend the rest of your life holed up in this hotel room avoiding everybody. And for your information, no I didn’t tell Ed. Why would I? It’s totally irrelevant. What kind of person do you take me for anyway?’
Stung by the uncharacteristic vehemence of his words, I turned to face at him. His brown hair was mussed up, as though it hadn’t seem a comb in days, his features were etched with tiredness and he looked thoroughly and utterly pissed off. If I wasn’t the aggrieved party here I might have felt sorry for him. But I didn’t. I hadn’t asked them to come traipsing down here to find me.
‘Self-indulgent? Ha! Well excuse me. I’m really sorry that you’ve been dragged into this whole sorry episode and I appreciate that you’ve been worried about me, but as you can see, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. I can certainly do without your no doubt well-intentioned advice about how I should be handling this whole situation, interesting though it is. Why don’t you just go home and take the two star-crossed lovers with you? This really has nothing to do with you. And, do you know, if I want to be self-indulgent, I bloody well will be!’
He dropped his head into his hands and gave a small shake of his head as though I was the one being unreasonable.
‘It has everything to do with me, Anna. I hate seeing you like this. The last thing in the world I want is for you to be unhappy. It’s not too late for you and Ed to sort this mess out if you want to. He’s still madly in love with you and wants to marry you on Saturday. Surely you can swallow your pride long enough to at least talk it through with him.’
‘Is that what you think I should do, Ben? Swallow my pride and just forget about everything that’s happened? Do you honestly think you could do that if you were in my shoes?’
He sighed, screwing his mouth up.
‘I’m not saying that. Only you can decide whether or not you can forgive Ed. But people mess up all the time. It’s human nature. All I’m saying is that maybe this was Ed’s big mistake. And maybe, if you want to work it out, you can get over it, together.’
I matched Ben’s sigh with a bigger one of my own. He was beginning to annoy me. The room was closing in and I wanted to be away from here and everything he was telling me. They were all just senseless words. Through the window I could watch the gentle swell of the sea, backwards and forwards, hypnotising me. I felt as though I wanted to be out there on that beach walking and walking into the distance until I ran out of beach.
‘Thank you, Ben. I guess that’s a man thing. You make a mistake and then think you can simply forget about it and move on. Put it in the drawer marked mistakes. Well, it’s interesting to have your perspective on it, it really is, but it isn’t as easy as that. Especially not when it comes to relationships. Sometimes it isn’t easy to forgive a mistake. Well, not for me, anyway.’
‘No, okay; well, I’m only trying to help. Just trying to give you my advice, for what it’s worth. That’s all.’
He looked completely and utterly defeated. I caught his eye and we shared a smile, breaking the tension that filled the room.
‘Ah yes, relationship advice coming from someone who hasn’t been in a relationship for what, four … five years, and then nothing lasting longer than three months! Mr Commitment-phobe himself. Yes, thanks, Ben. I can see a new career as a marriage-guidance counsellor lining up for you.’
I’d intended it light-heartedly but judging by the dark look Ben was giving me, I’d hit a nerve. Now my words just sounded snarky and spiteful and I felt like a prize bitch.
‘Sorry,’ I said sheepishly. ‘I didn’t mean anything. It’s been a tough week.’ A silence hung between us. Ben kicked at the carpet beneath his feet and I wandered back and forth to the window. I turned to face him. ‘Do you never think that you might like to settle down? We’re getting to that age, Ben, where everyone around us is getting married, starting families. Is that something you can imagine yourself doing?’
‘Of course it is. It’s what most people aspire to, isn’t it? Finding that special person, settling down, but the problem is you have to find that special person first. That’s the difficult bit.’
Ben had never been short of female attention at university. In fact, he’d had a reputation as a bit of a player. He always seemed to have one girl or another draped over his arm, but thinking about it now I couldn’t remember any of those girls making a lasting impression on him or me come to that.
‘Has there ever been anyone special?’ I asked, wondering why I didn’t know or why I’d never even bothered to ask before.
‘No, not really. I fell in love with someone at uni, but it never came to anything. She was seeing someone else and then … well, the timing was never right. There hasn’t been anyone since.’
‘Oh God, Ben. And you never said anything. Why didn’t you say?’ My mind played a cine film of a whole succession of Lauras, Lucys and Kates, but I couldn’t for the life of me think who the special one had been. ‘Who was she?’
He tipped his head back to look at the ceiling and sighed heavily, before dropping his head again to look me directly in the eye. His gaze didn’t waiver from my face, his mouth was slightly parted, his breathing heavy. The atmosphere between us was electric. I watched the top curve of his lip as it rose and fell almost imperceptibly. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to because in that moment I knew and with what felt like a sledgeha
mmer landing on my head, I wondered why it had taken me so long to realise it.
‘Oh … you mean … I …’ Heat rushed to my cheeks and I felt a blast of emotion fire through my body.
‘Yeah, I mean it’s no big deal, not now. It was all in the past. It was just one of those things, I had a little crush on you, you had absolutely no interest in me, it was never meant to be.’ He laughed lightly, but I wasn’t fooled by his attempt at levity. ‘And, um, I guess it’s never happened for me since.’
I was struggling to come to terms with what Ben was telling me. We’d always been friends, good friends, but never for one moment could I have believed that his feelings went anyway beyond that.
‘But you never said anything. Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘How could I? I broke off with Hannah, do you remember her? She was very glammy, long red hair—’
‘Big tits,’ I interjected.
‘Yeah, huge,’ Ben confirmed. ‘But before I had a chance to ask you out you’d taken up with Ed. I’d missed my opportunity.’
‘Oh my God,’ I said, sinking down onto the bed before my legs gave way beneath me. ‘I am so sorry.’
‘Don’t be silly. You have nothing to apologise for. I’m not sure how I even got round to telling you this. I suppose my timing sucks.’
‘We were talking about meeting that special person.’
‘Oh yes; yes, we were. That’s the thing, Annie: if Ed is your special person then I think it’s definitely worth another shot at, don’t you? Is he? Is Ed your special person?’
I had no idea. I didn’t even think I knew much about Ed any more. Right now I was more concerned with what Ben was telling me. Could we have had a future together?
‘I thought he was,’ I said, ‘but I’m not so sure now. It’s funny how your whole life can turn round in the space of a moment.’
I’d been talking about the discovery of the diary, but my words could just have easily applied to what had just gone on between us.
‘Well, perhaps you need to speak to him just to make sure one way or the other.’
‘I will. I will.’ We sat in silence for a moment, assessing how this new information between us would impact on our relationship. ‘That’s weird, really weird. When I came into your room the other night I thought I’d really offended you – that I’d ruined our friendship for ever.’
‘Nah, don’t be silly. To be honest, I’d dreamt of that moment for years. You turning up naked in my bedroom. Admittedly my version of events didn’t end up with me sticking a shotgun in your face. My version had a completely different outcome.’ He gave a small smile that melted my heart. ‘I might even tell you about it one day. Even so, the other night, it was very nice, if not quite what I imagined.’
Oh God, I dropped my head into my hands, thinking how everything could have been so different. I looked up to face him and smiled.
‘I can’t tell you how embarrassed I felt. I thought I’d repulsed you with my … with my nakedness.’
Ben spluttered exaggeratedly.
‘No, no far from it. There was nothing I wanted more. And it would have been all too easy for us to fall into bed together that night. Wouldn’t it?’ He held my gaze and my stomach flipped. ‘But you were upset and vulnerable and, um, story of my life, it just wasn’t the right time. Come here,’ he said, pulling me into his side for a hug. ‘I’m sorry I’ve landed all this on you this afternoon. I hadn’t intended to, but, you know, it feels quite good to get it off my chest after all these years. It doesn’t change anything. That’s all in the past. What you need to be thinking about is the here and now.’
It changed everything. I was thinking of my head on Ben’s chest, the firmness of his body beneath my fingers, the scent of his skin reaching my nostrils. Did it really have to stay in the past? Was there a possibility, even a remote one, for me and Ben to make a go of it?
‘All I want for you is to make sure you don’t make any rash decisions. Please speak to Ed. And Sophie. Just hear them out. And then decide what it is you want to do. If at that point you feel as though you never want to see either of them again, then that’s fair enough. Just give them one last chance.’
I still wasn’t sure they deserved another chance.
‘I will.’ I felt as though I owed it to Ben to do that. ‘Will you tell Sophie I’ll meet her on the pier? In about fifteen minutes. I could do with some fresh air.’
‘Of course, I will. Everything will work out fine, one way or another. It always does. You know that.’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded, although I had no idea how it would work out. My life seemed to be getting more complicated by the moment.
Ben stood up and walked towards the door.
‘I’ll catch up with you later then.’
‘Okay. Just one thing, Ben. How did you know where to find me? I didn’t tell anyone where I was going.’
He gave a small laugh.
‘If you don’t want to be tracked down, Anna, then you should be really careful about the people you hang out with.’
‘What?’
‘Your photo, it was all over the internet this morning. If that was a deliberate ploy to get Ed’s attention it was a pretty good one.’
‘I’m sorry; I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Alexander Fischer. You were photographed with him in the foyer. It wasn’t hard to find you after that.’
I still had no idea what Ben was talking about. I had no idea who Alexander Fischer was. I had no idea if I was going to marry Ed or not. Basically I had no idea about anything any more.
Chapter Thirteen
By the time I arrived at the pier I had twice as many questions spiralling around in my mind. I was still trying to get my head around what Ben had told me, but however many times I went over it, none of it made any sense. My mind flitted back to the time when we were all students, to a time when our only worries were about whether we had enough money go down the pub or if we should play Trivial Pursuit or Poker. Life seemed so much less complicated then. We were safe in our friendships and in the moment, not believing that things would ever be any different.
Had I perhaps always known that Ben had felt something for me, but simply chosen to ignore it? It didn’t seem possible.
The sea breeze pricked at my skin and I enjoyed the sensation of my hair lifting around my face. I ran my hand along the fretwork of the pier. The last time I’d been here was with Dave and then I had a whole series of other emotions and thoughts assaulting my senses.
‘Anna!’
I turned around and saw Sophie smiling at me tentatively. My first instinct was to open my arms wide and run up to her for a huge hug, which was the way we’d always greeted each other in the past. And then I remembered everything that she’d done and I realised too that we’d stopped doing that whole hugging thing a while back. Probably at the same time she started sleeping with my fiancé. My stomach churned.
My second instinct was to flee.
She hurried over and handed me a bunch of vibrant pink tulips she’d been carrying behind her back and, more inexplicably, a bag of sherbet lemons.
‘Hi!’ Her voice sounded different, strained, as if it didn’t actually belong to her. ‘There’s this amazing little booth at the end of the pier that sells all different types of sweets, the old-fashioned type. They had some of those chocolate buttons covered with coloured sprinkles, remember those? I dithered between them and the lemon sherbets. We could always go back and get some, if you wanted to.’
I stuffed the sweets into my coat pocket.
‘I don’t want your sodding flowers,’ I said, looking at them before ripping the heads off in one fell swoop. I threw them up in the air and they scattered over us like confetti. ‘I didn’t want anything from you, Sophie. Only your friendship. But you couldn’t even give me that, could you? You stole my boyfriend!’
‘I know.’ She clasped her hands over her ears as if she didn’t want to hear what I was saying. ‘I am so sorry
. So, so sorry.’
We both looked down at the discarded petals and I felt the tears fill my eyes.
‘You’ve ruined everything for me, do you know that? Ed and I had our whole lives planned out together. We were supposed to be getting married this Saturday. You, you …’ I pushed her with both hands in the chest. ‘You were supposed to be my bridesmaid.’
‘Ouch,’ she said, stumbling backwards. ‘I know. I’ve got no excuses. I’m a prize bitch. There. Does that make you feel any better?’
‘No, actually it doesn’t, Sophie. Nothing you can say will make me feel any better. I hate you, do you know that, I really hate you.’
Sophie nodded mutely.
‘I HATE SOPHIE CLARKSON!’ I threw my arms open wide, lifted my head to the sky and span around on the spot, shouting the words so loudly it made my throat sting.
‘Are you all right, love?’ asked an elderly man passing by.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Much better now, thank you. And I’m very sorry for shouting.’
I turned to Sophie, barely able to contain the fury buzzing at my every nerve end.
‘Now just piss off, would you?’ I hissed. ‘I never want to see you again.’
I turned and sprinted off into the distance, tears welling up in my eyes and running down my cheeks, as I tried to put as much distance between me and Sophie as I could. The tears blurred my vision and snot plastered my face so much so I had to stop and take a breather. I wiped my soggy face on my sleeve, not caring who saw.
‘Anna!’ Sophie grabbed my hard by the arm and spun me around. She’d always been a faster runner than me. The cow. ‘Please. Can we talk? Just one coffee, that’s all I ask. And then I promise you, I’ll piss off out of your life forever.’
She took me to the big café on the front. It wasn’t busy; it was the lull between afternoon tea and dinner so we were able to take our pick of the tables and settled on one of the seats by the window overlooking the seafront.
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