Man and Superman and Three Other Plays

by George Bernard Shaw

  BURGESS Easy, James, easy, easy. Don’t git hinto a fluster about nothink. I’ve howned I was wrong.

  MORELL [fuming about] Have you? I didn’t hear you.

  BURGESS Of course I did. I hown it now. Come: I harsk your pardon for the letter I wrote you. Is that enough?

  MORELL [snapping his fingers] That’s nothing. Have you raised the wages?

  BURGESS [triumphantly] Yes.

  MORELL [stopping dead] What!

  BURGESS [unctuousty] I’ve turned a moddle hemployer. I don’t hemploy no women now: they’re all sacked; and the work is done by machinery. Not a man ‘as less than sixpence a hour; and the skilled ’ands gits the Trade Union rate. [Proudly.] What ‘ave you to say to me now?

  MORELL [overwhelmed] Is it possible! Well, there’s more joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth—[Going to BURGESS with an explosion of apologetic cordiality.] My dear Burgess, I most heartily beg your pardon for my hard thoughts of you. [Grasps his hand.] And now, don’t you feel the better for the change? Come, confess, you’re happier. You look happier.

  BURGESS [ ruefully] Well, p‘raps I do. I s’pose I must, since you notice it. At all events, I git my contrax asseppit [accepted] by the County Council. [Savagely.] They dussent ‘ave nothink to do with me unless I paid fair wages—curse ’em for a parcel o’ meddlin’ fools!

  MORELL [dropping his hand, utterly discouraged] So that was why you raised the wages! [He sits down moodily. ]

  BURGESS [severely, in spreading, mounting tones] Why else should I do it? What does it lead to but drink and huppishness in workin’ men? [He seats himself magisterially in the easy chair.] It’s hall very well for you, James: it gits you hinto the papers and makes a great man of you; but you never think of the ‘arm you do, puttin’ money into the pockets of workin’ men that they don’t know ’ow to spend, and takin’ it from people that might be makin’ a good huse on it.

  MORELL [with a heavy sigh, speaking with cold politeness] What is your business with me this morning? I shall not pretend to believe that you are here merely out of family sentiment.

  BURGESS [obstinately] Yes, I ham—just family sentiment and nothink else.

  MORELL [with weary calm] I don’t believe you!

  BURGESS [rising threateningly] Don’t say that to me again, James Mavor Morell.

  MORELL [unmoved] I’ll say it just as often as may be necessary to convince you that it’s true. I don’t believe you.

  BURGESS [collapsing into an abyss of wounded feeling] Oh, well, if you’re determined to be unfriendly, I s‘pose I’d better go. [He moves reluctantly towards the door. MORELL makes no sign. He lingers.] I didn’t hexpect to find a hunforgivin’ spirit in you, James. [MORELL still not responding, he takes a few more reluctant steps door-wards. Then he comes back whining.] We huseter git on well enough, spite of our different opinions. Why are you so changed to me? I give you my word I come here in pyorr [pure] frenliness, not wishin’ to be on bad terms with my hown daughrter’s ’usban’. Come, James: be a Cheristhin and shake ’ands. [He puts his hand sentimentally on MORELL’s shoulder.]

  MORELL [looking up at him thoughtfully] Look here, Burgess. Do you want to be as welcome here as you were before you lost that contract?

  BURGESS I do, James. I do—honest.

  M0RELL Then why don’t you behave as you did then?

  BURGESS [cautiously removing his hand] ‘Ow d’y’mean?

  MORELL I’ll tell you. You thought me a young fool then.

  BURGESS [coaxingly] No, I didn‘t, James. I—

  MORELL [cutting him short] Yes, you did. And I thought you an old scoundrel.

  BURGESS [most vehemently deprecating this gross self-accusation on MORELL’s part] No, you didn‘t, James. Now you do yourself a hinjustice.

  MORELL Yes, I did. Well, that did not prevent our getting on very well together. God made you what I call a scoundrel as he made me what you call a fool. [The effect of this observation on BURGESS is to remove the keystone of his moral arch. He becomes bodily weak, and, with his eyes fixed on MORELL in a helpless stare, puts out his hand apprehensively to balance himself, as if the, floor had suddenly sloped under him. MORELL proceeds in the same tone of quiet conviction.] It was not for me to quarrel with his handiwork in the one case more than in the other. So long as you come here honestly as a self-respecting, thorough, convinced scoundrel, justifying your scoundrelism, and proud of it, you are welcome. But [and now MORELL’s tone becomes formidable; and he rises and strikes the back of the chair for greater emphasis] I won’t have you here snivelling about being a model employer and a converted man when you’re only an apostate with your coat turned for the sake of a County Council contract. [He nods at him to enforce the point; then goes to the hearth-rug, where he takes up a comfortably commanding position with his back to the fire, and continues] No: I like a man to be true to himself, even in wickedness. Come now: either take your hat and go; or else sit down and give me a good scoundrelly reason for wanting to be friends with me. [BURGESS, whose emotions have subsided sufficiently to be expressed by a dazed grin, is relieved by this concrete proposition. He ponders it for a moment, and then, slowly and very modestly, sits down in the chair MORELL has just left.]7 That’s right. Now, out with it.

  BURGESS [chuckling in spite of himself ] Well, you a r e a queer bird, James, and no mistake. But [almost enthusiastically] one carnt ‘elp likin’ you; besides, as I said afore, of course one don’t take all a clorgyman says seriously, or the world couldn’t go on. Could it now? [He composes himself for graver discourse, and turning his eyes on MORELL proceeds with dull seriousness.] Well, I don’t mind tellin’ you, since it’s your wish we should be free with one another, that I did think you a bit of a fool once; but I’m begin nin’ to think that p’r‘aps I was be’ind the times a bit.

  MORELL [delighted] Aha! You’re finding that out at last, are you?

  BURGESS [portentously] Yes, times ‘as changed mor’n I could a believed. Five yorr (year) ago, no sensible man would a thought o’ takin’ up with your ideas. I hused to wonder you was let preach at all. Why, I know a clorgyman that ’as bin kep’ hout of his job for yorrs by the Bishop of London, although the pore feller’s not a bit more religious than you are. But to-day, if heny one was to offer to bet me a thousan’ poun’ that you’ll end by bein’ a bishop yourself, I shouldn’t venture to take the bet. You and yore crew are gettin’ hinfluential: I can see that. They’ll ‘ave to give you something someday, if it’s only to stop yore mouth. You ’ad the right instinc’ arter all, James: the line you took is the payin’ line in the long run fur a man o’ your sort.

  MORELL [decisively—offeringhis hand] Shake hands, Burgess. Now you’re talking honestly. I don’t think they’ll make me a bishop; but if they do, I’ll introduce you to the biggest jobbers I can get to come to my dinner parties.

  BURGESS [who has risen with a sheepish grin and accepted the hand of friendship] You will ‘ave your joke, James. Our quarrel’s made up now, isn’t it?

  A WOMAN’S VOICE Say yes, James.8

  Startled, they turn quickly and find that CANDIDA has just come in, and is looking at them with an amused maternal indulgence which is her characteristic expression. She is a woman of 33, well built, well nourished, likely, one guesses, to become matronly later on, but now quite at her best, with the double charm of youth and motherhood. Her ways are those of a woman who has found that she can always manage people by engaging their affection; and who does so frankly and instinctively without the smallest scruple. So far, she is like any other pretty woman who is just clever enough to make the most of her sexual attractions for trivially selfish ends; but CANDIDA’s serene brow, courageous eyes, and well set mouth and chin signify largeness of mind and dignity of character to ennoble her cunning in the affections. A wisehearted observer, looking at her, would at once guess that whoever had placed the Virgin of the Assumption over her hearth did so because he fancied some spiritual resemblance between them, and yet would not suspect either her
husband or herself of any such idea, or indeed of any concern with the art of Titian.

  Just now she is in bonnet and mantle, laden with a strapped rug with her umbrella stuck through it, a handbag, and a supply of illustrated papers.

  MORELL [shocked at his remissness] Candida! Why—[looks at his watch, and is horrified to find it so late. My darling! [Hurrying to her and seizing the rug strap, pouring forth his remorseful regrets all the time.] I intended to meet you at the train. I let the time slip. [Flinging the rug on the sofa.] I was so engrossed by—[returningto her]—I forgot—oh! [He embraces her with penitent emotion.]

  BURGESS [a little shamefaced and doubtful of his reception] How orr you, Candy? [She, still in MORELL’s arms, offers him her cheek, which he kisses.] James and me is come to a unnerstandin‘—a honourable unnerstandin’. Ain’ we, James?

  MORELL [impetuously] Oh, bother your understanding! You’ve kept me late for Candida. [With compassionate fervor.] My poor love: how did you manage about the luggage?—how—

  CANDIDA [stopping him and disengaging herself] There, there, there. I wasn’t alone. Eugene came down yesterday; and we traveled up together.

  MORELL [pleased] Eugene!

  CANDIDA Yes: he’s struggling with my luggage, poor boy. Go out, dear, at once; or he will pay for the cab; and I don’t want that. [MORELL hurries out. CANDIDA puts down her handbag; then takes off her mantle and bonnet and puts them on the sofa with the rug, chatting meanwhile.] Well, papa, how are you getting on at home?

  BURGESS The ‘ouse ain’t worth livin’ in since you left it, Candy. I wish you’d come round and give the gurl a talkin’ to. Who’s this Eugene that’s come with you?

  CANDIDA Oh, Eugene’s one of James’s discoveries. He found him sleeping on the Embankment last June. Haven’t you noticed our new picture [pointing to the Virgin]? He gave us that.

  BURGESS (incredulouslyJ Garn! D‘you mean to tell me—your hown father!—that cab touts or such like, orf the Embankment, buys pictur’s like that? [Severely.] Don’t deceive me, Candy: it’s a ’Igh Church pictur;9 and James chose it hisself.

  CANDIDA Guess again. Eugene isn’t a cab tout.ak

  BURGESS Then wot is he? [Sarcastically.] A nobleman, I ‘spose.

  CANDIDA [delighted—nodding] Yes. His uncle’s a peer—a real live earl.

  BURGESS [not daring to believe such good news] No!

  CANDIDA Yes. He had a seven day billal for £55 in his pocket when James found him on the Embankment. He thought he couldn’t get any money for it until the seven days were up; and he was too shy to ask for credit. Oh, he’s a dear boy! We are very fond of him.

  BURGESS [pretending to belittle the aristocracy, but with his eyes gleaming] Hm, I thort you wouldn’t git a piorr’s (peer’s) nevvy vis itin’ in Victoria Park unless he were a bit of a flat. [Looking again at the picture.] Of course I don’t ‘old with that pictur, Candy; but still it’s a ’igh class, fust rate work of art: I can see that. Be sure you hintroduce me to him, Candy. [He looks at his watch anxiously.] I can only stay about two minutes.

  MORELL comes back with EUGENE, whom BURGESS contemplates moist-eyed with enthusiasm. He is a strange, shy youth of eighteen, slight, effeminate, with a delicate childish voice, and a hunted, tormented expression and shrinking manner that shew the painful sensitiveness that very swift and acute apprehensiveness produces in youth, before the character has grown to its full strength. Yet everything that his timidity and frailty suggests is contradicted by his face. He is miserably irresolute, does not know where to stand or what to do with his hands and feet, is afraid of BURGESS, and would run away into solitude if he dared; but the very intensity with which he feels a perfectly commonplace position shews great nervous force, and his nostrils and mouth shew a fiercely petulant wilfulness, as to the quality of which his great imaginative eyes and fine brow are reassuring. He is so entirely uncommon as to be almost unearthly; and to prosaic people there is something noxious in this unearthliness, just as to poetic people there is something angelic in it. His dress is anarchic. He wears an old blue serge jacket, unbuttoned over a woollen lawn tennis shirt, with a silk handkerchief for a cravat, trousers matching the jacket, and brown canvas shoes. In these garments he has apparently lain in the heather and waded through the waters; but there is no evidence of his having ever brushed them.

  As he catches sight of a stranger on entering, he stops, and edges along the wall on the opposite side of the room.

  MORELL [as he enters] Come along: you can spare us quarter of an hour, at all events. This is my father-in-law, Mr. Burgess—Mr. Marchbanks.

  MARCHBANKS [nervously backing against the bookcase] Glad to meet you, sir.

  BURGESS [crossing to him with great heartiness, whilst MORELL joins CANDIDA at the fire] Glad to meet you , I’m shore, Mr. Morchbanks. [Forcing him to shake hands. ‘Ow do you find yore-self this weather? Ope you ain’t lettin’ James put no foolish ideas into your ed?

  MARCHBANKS Foolish ideas! Oh, you mean Socialism. No.

  BURGESS That’s right. [Again looking at his watch.] Well, I must go now: there’s no ‘elp for it. Yo’re not comin’ my way, are you, Mr. Morchbanks?

  MARCHBANKS Which way is that?

  BURGESS Victawriar Pork Station. There’s a city train at 12:25.

  MORELL Nonsense. Eugene will stay to lunch with us, I expect.

  MARCHBANKS [anxiously excusing himself ] No—I—I—

  BURGESS Well, well, I shan’t press you: I bet you’d rather lunch with Candy. Some night, I ‘ope, you’ll come and dine with me at my club, the Freeman Founders in Nortn Folgit. Come, say you will.

  MARCHBANKS Thank you, Mr. Burgess. Where is Norton Folgate—down in Surrey, isn’t it? [BURGESS, inexpressibly tickled, begins to splutter with laughter.]

  CANDIDA [coming to the rescue] You’ll lose your train, papa, if you don’t go at once. Come back in the afternoon and tell Mr. Marchbanks where to find the club.

  BURGESS [roaring with glee] Down in Surrey—har, har! that’s not a bad one. Well, I never met a man as didn’t know Nortn Folgit before. [Abashed at his own noisiness.] Good-bye, Mr. Morchbanks: I know yo’re too ‘ighbred to take my pleasantry in bad part. [He again offers his hand. ]

  MARCHBANKS [taking it with a nervous jerk] Not at all.

  BURGESS Bye, bye, Candy. I’ll look in again later on. So long, James.

  MORELL Must you go?

  BURGESS Don’t stir. [He goes out with unabated heartiness.]

  MORELL Oh, I’ll see you out. [He follows him out. EUGENE stares after them apprehensively, holding his breath until BURGESS disappears.]

  CANDIDA [laughing] Well, Eugene. [He turns with a start and comes eagerly towards her, but stops irresolutely as he meets her amused look.] What do you think of my father?

  MARCHBANKS I—I hardly know him yet. He seems to be a very nice old gentleman.

  CANDIDA [with gentle irony] And you’ll go to the Freeman Founders to dine with him, won’t you?

  MARCHBANKS [miserably, taking it quite seriously] Yes, if it will please you.

  CANDIDA [touched] Do you know, you are a very nice boy, Eugene, with all your queerness. If you had laughed at my father I shouldn’t have minded; but I like you ever so much better for being nice to him.

  MARCHBANKS Ought I to have laughed? I noticed that he said something funny; but I am so ill at ease with strangers; and I never can see a joke! I’m very sorry. [He sits down on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his temples between his fists, with an expression of hopeless suffering.]

  CANDIDA [bustling him goodnaturedly] Oh, come! You great baby, you! You are worse than usual this morning. Why were you so melancholy as we came along in the cab?

  MARCHBANKS Oh, that was nothing. I was wondering how much I ought to give the cabman. I know it’s utterly silly; but you don’t know how dreadful such things are to me—how I shrink from having to deal with strange people. [Quickly and reassuringly.] But it’s all right. He beamed all over and touched his hat when Morell ga
ve him two shillings. I was on the point of offering him ten. [CANDIDA laughs heartily. MORELL comes back with a few letters and newspapers which have come by the midday post.]

  CANDIDA Oh, James, dear, he was going to give the cabman ten shillings—ten shillings for a three minutes’ drive—oh, dear!

  MORELL [at the table, glancing through the letters] Never mind her, Marchbanks. The overpaying instinct is a generous one: better than the underpaying instinct, and not so common.

  MARCHBANKS [relapsing into dejection] No: cowardice, incompetence. Mrs. Morell’s quite right.

  CANDIDA Of course she is. [She takes up her handbag.] And now I must leave you to James for the present. I suppose you are too much of a poet to know the state a woman finds her house in when she’s been away for three weeks. Give me my rug. [EUGENE takes the strapped rug from the couch, and gives it to her. She takes it in her left hand, having the bag in her right.] Now hang my cloak across my arm. [He obeys.] Now my hat. [He puts it into the hand which has the bag.] Now open the door for me. [He hurries up before her and opens the door. ) Thanks. [She goes out; and MARCHBANKS shuts the door.]

  MORELL [still busy at the table] You’ll stay to lunch, Marchbanks, of course.

  MARCHBANKS [scared] I mustn’t. [He glances quickly at MORELL, but at once avoids his frank look, and adds, with obvious disingenuousness ] I can’t.

  MORELL [over his shoulder] You mean you won’t.

  MARCHBANKS [earnestly] No: I should like to, indeed. Thank you very much. But—but—

  MORELL [breezily, finishing with the letters and coming close to him] But—but—but—but—bosh! If you’d like to stay, stay. You don’t mean to persuade me you have anything else to do. If you’re shy, go and take a turn in the park and write poetry until half past one; and then come in and have a good feed.

  MARCHBANKS Thank you, I should like that very much. But I really mustn’t. The truth is, Mrs. Morell told me not to. She said she didn’t think you’d ask me to stay to lunch, but that I was to remember, if you did, that you didn’t really want me to. [Plaintively.] She said I’d understand; but I don’t. Please don’t tell her I told you.