Hidden Desires: A Romantic Suspense Novel

by Lexie Davis

  “Hey.” Autumn grabbed his arm. “You never did tell me how you learned French.”

  Jackson kissed her and plopped down on his side. “You don’t want to know.”

  “Yes, I do. Tell me.”

  Jackson huffed a breath and stared at the ceiling. “I fucked my French teacher in high school. She taught me the language and gave me straight A’s.”

  Autumn blinked, not knowing what to say. “Is there a woman on earth you haven’t fucked?”

  He snorted. “Yes, smarty-pants.”

  “You know, that’s the first bit of information you volunteered about your days before the Marines. Why is your past such a secret?”

  “Why do you ask so many questions?”

  Autumn rolled to her side away from him. “It’s something lovers do, Jackson. They share parts of themselves with each other that the rest of the world never gets to see. I wish you’d trust me enough to tell me about it.”

  He was silent for a while, and Autumn was certain he was either ignoring her or fast asleep.

  “It’s not about trust, Autumn. There’s no point in rehashing my past or anyone’s past for that matter.”

  “Do you trust me, Jackson?”

  “What kind of question is that?”

  “The kind that needs an answer. Do you trust me?”

  Autumn waited staring at her bathroom door knowing the answer before he ever spoke it. This explained a lot, she realized. It wasn’t about hurting her this time, because she honestly didn’t think he’d do that intentionally. He simply didn’t trust her.

  “I trust you about as much as I can.”

  Autumn closed her eyes as a tear escaped. “At least I know where I stand.”

  “Autumn”—his fingers wrapped around her arm—“Shit. That didn’t come out right. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.”

  “You’re talking about your feelings. Something you seem to have a hard time dealing with.” She brushed him off and wiped the tears on her cheeks. “Why can’t guys just say what they feel? They have no trouble expressing themselves otherwise, but emotionally they clog up worse than a hairball in the pipes. It’s not fair.”

  “Autumn, would you please listen to me? I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” He blew out a breath, and she felt the mattress bounce as he moved closer to her. “You want to know about my past, fine. I grew up in a house where love didn’t exist. I grew up with a parent I didn’t trust and ultimately wanted to get away from every time I was forced to stay with him. I didn’t get along with my dad at all, and I refuse to talk any more about that relationship with anyone. It has nothing to do with me trusting you. I’m sorry I can’t be the guy who has the perfect life, the perfect everything that you fantasize about. I want to, I do, but it’s impossible.”

  Autumn felt his lips against her arm. “Jackson, you are what I fantasize about. I feel so foolish in admitting this, but you’re the only guy I’ve ever wanted.”

  She scooted the blankets aside and faced him. “And it is about trust, Jackson. If you can’t trust me with the details of your past, what can you trust me with? I’m not forcing you to tell me. But I want you to want to tell me. It’s part of giving yourself to someone, something that no matter what, no one will take away.”

  Autumn silently scolded herself for sounding like her mother. “Look, part of being in a relationship is sharing your life with someone. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Otherwise, without the sharing, there is no relationship and we’re back to being fuck buddies. Is that what we are to you, Jackson? Am I still the same dumb fool who let you use her body and blindly wishes maybe—just maybe—you’d have an ounce of love in your heart for me?”

  He looked straight into her eyes. “I can’t say what you want to hear, Autumn. I won’t. I’m not using you. I admit that, but I can’t admit I’m in love with you—not the way you want and need.”

  “I’m going to sleep. Jeffery is coming in the morning, and knowing him, it’ll be at an ungodly hour.”

  “Autumn.” Jackson groaned next to her.

  “Good night.” She tucked the blankets around her.

  “What do you want from me?” Jackson raised his voice.

  “Nothing,” she yelled back. “Not one fucking thing, Jackson.” She threw the covers back ad grabbed her silk robe. “I want you out of my house tomorrow. And most importantly out of my life. I should have known you didn’t have it in you to give something of yourself to someone else. And I’m an ignorant fool to assume that someone would be me. I hate you, and that is something that will never change.”

  She grabbed her pillow and yanked the comforter off the bed. Ten minutes ago, they were cuddling and loving each other. Now, the true colors shined. Jackson wasn’t capable of loving anyone but himself. Sadly, she wasn’t even sure he could love himself.

  Deciding to make her bed on the couch, she flipped the television on and found a late-night program to watch. It was well past eleven, and she was bone tired, but sleep evaded her. Why did you have to push him? Why didn’t you leave well enough alone?

  “Come back to bed.”

  Autumn clicked the volume button twice, turning it up.

  “Damn it, what do you want me to do? I thought we were doing fine. We spent a nice evening at the park. We had a nice dinner. We made love. After that, shit hit the fan. Forgive me for being ignorant, but what did I miss?”

  “You’ve got to have love to make love.” Autumn clicked the volume up three more times.

  Jackson grabbed the remote from her, muted the television, and threw the remote across the room. “I never said I didn’t love you.”

  “It’s implied, Jackson. You give me some bullshit speech about your family and how you grew up in misery yet you continue to live in that misery each and every day of your life.” She punched her pillow.

  “Just come back to bed.” He ran his hands through his hair. “All this can wait until morning.”

  “My mom always said you should never go to bed angry. I’m fuming right now.”

  “Don’t make me pick you up and carry you in there.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  He came at her. With full brute strength of a man on a mission, he scooped her into his arms, blanket and all. She kicked, though no real effort to get away was made. He held her too tight, kept her close to his body as if she was the most precious thing on earth.

  “If you’d stop being the badass for a minute you’d see making love is more fun than fighting.” He threw her in the middle of the bed and followed behind her, pressing his body against hers. “Don’t pick fights with me, Autumn. I’m constantly fighting everything else in this world. Don’t make me fight you, too.”

  “So I just ignore it?”

  “Ignore what?”

  “You said you didn’t trust me!” She pushed at his chest. “You don’t love me. Now you don’t trust me. We’re not really friends. Who are we kidding, Jackson? We are nothing more than fuck buddies.”

  He kissed her hard with lots of tongue. Probably just to shut me up, she mused.

  “You are not my fuck buddy. And I’m tired of repeating myself,” he said, coming up for air.

  “Then what am I, Jackson? We’re not friends because we’ve had sex. We’re not lovers because you don’t trust me. Don’t even think about us having a real relationship because both the sex and trust go hand in hand. What are we?”

  “Does everything always have to have a definition?”

  She scoffed and pulled away from him. “Just leave me alone.”

  Autumn curled up on the side of the bed opposite the one she was used to and hugged her pillow tight. This is what happens when you ask for it.

  Chapter Ten

  When Autumn woke the next morning, Jackson wasn’t beside her. She had little sleep and laid awake most of the night contemplating her life. If Jackson had entertained her ideas of marriage and a family all those years ago, where would they be now? As much as she want
ed to think they’d be the Brady Bunch with a happy family to come home to, she seriously doubted it. He kept too much of himself a secret. He didn’t trust her with the painful details of his life.

  She stood and dressed in the cami she wore the night before. Thoughts of him calling that love flooded her mind, and she took a deep breath. She wanted to believe it. With all that she was, she wanted to.

  Jackson came in the bedroom just as she hung her robe on the rack attached to the bathroom door. He had pulled on a rugged pair of jeans and looked like he had as much sleep as her.

  He stopped in the bathroom doorway, propping a hand above his head as he leaned. His eyes met hers in the mirror. Something unspoken lingered between them for a few seconds before he cleared his throat. “Your brother just called. He’ll be here in about thirty minutes.”

  She didn’t say anything, figuring the less words spoken the better.

  “Uh, I talked to Davis, too. He’s taking off for the weekend to come down, though he said it was mostly just to use your hot tub.” He smiled and shook his head.

  Autumn glanced down at the washcloth she’d twisted into a knot. Not only one brother but two. As if life couldn’t get any better.

  “Look, I’m not leaving, Autumn. You can hate me, fight me, curse me—whatever. I’m not leaving.”

  She uncoiled the cloth and flipped the faucet on warm. She pursed her lips while she held a finger beneath the streaming water, waiting for it to heat. She knew he wasn’t leaving. Telling him to was a joke. She probably couldn’t get him to leave the bathroom so she could pee, much less her house. And if she weren’t so stressed out, she’d be the one to leave. He was smothering her enough as it was.

  “Fine. Don’t talk to me.” Jackson threw his hands up in the air. “You think you know everything anyway, why bother trying to clue you in.”

  Autumn watched him leave, waiting until he was out of her sight before letting the sobs come.

  * * * *

  “Autumn Bottom,” Jeffery pulled his sister into a hug when she answered the door. “How is the world’s most annoying little sister?”

  “Pissed off.” She squinted in the sunlight. “Who the hell is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed before eight?”

  She pulled away from Jeffery and stepped to the side. He and Kristin entered her house, each carrying a duffel. Jackson stood with a bowl of cereal in the living room, freshly showered and dressed in a white chest-hugging tee and loose, worn-out jeans.

  “You’re a vet. Don’t you deal with emergencies at all hours of the night like MDs?” Jeffery tossed his bag on the couch and turned toward his sister. “Besides, what would Dad think of you not being up at the crack of dawn, doing jumping jacks?”

  “Dad never made me do all the shit he made you boys do.” Autumn smiled and shut the front door. “Daddy likes me, remember.”

  Jeffery scoffed. “Right. Just like those puppies you favor can fly, huh?”

  “Get over your jealousy, Jeffery.” Autumn smiled at Kristin. “How do you ever put up with him?”

  She hugged her sister-in-law. Kristin Wilson came into their family during a rough patch of their lives. When their mother died, she and her family helped Autumn’s father and the rest of the family take care of themselves. Somehow, Kristin and Jeffery became really close and eventually married three years later.

  “He only acts up when we’re out.” Kristin smiled. “I guess I’m going to start leaving him at home.”

  Jeffery plopped down on the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table. “You wish. You just want me as your twenty-four-hour boy toy.”

  Autumn held up her hands. “Eww. Do not mention anyone being anyone’s twenty-four-hour boy toy in this house.”

  Jeffery looked over at Jackson, who simply observed their conversation as he ate his cereal, and then looked back at his sister. “Tell me, little sis, you have a new boy toy in your life? I’m surprised to see you haven’t killed each other yet.”

  “Give her time. She’s planning my death as we speak.” Jackson crossed the living room to return the bowl to the kitchen.

  “What? Are you saying you kept your grubby paws off my sister? The Jackson Cooper who fucks anything with a skirt.” Jeffery waited for a response.

  “Jeffery, language,” Kristin scolded.

  “Your sister doesn’t wear skirts.” Jackson took his seat in the recliner. “And she’s got bigger balls than the both of us combined.”

  Jeffery glanced from Jackson to Autumn. She simply stood there smiling. “Uh, did I miss something here?”

  “Let me fill you in. Jackson pissed me off, and I’m not talking to him.” She ended it with a smile at Jackson.

  “She has no reason to be pissed off in the first place.” He flipped through the morning shows and settled on the same cartoons they watched the day before. “But she reads too much into shit and goes all huffy-puffy when she doesn’t get her way.”

  “Funny, really that he says that, Jeffery, because just an hour ago, he promised to be straightforward and never lie to me. Now it looks like he’s changed his mind. Or am I reading too much into that, too?”

  “If you tell me what you want from me, all of this can be solved and put in the past!” Jackson voice rose, and Kristin flinched at their conversation.

  Autumn narrowed her eyes at him and then returned her attention to Jeffery. “There’s plenty to do at the clinic. Yesterday we got the major stuff done, but a lot needs to be cleaned, and I’m planning on doing some shopping since they ripped my furniture to shreds. Since you have a degree in interior design, Kristin, I’d appreciate it if you’d help me with that.”

  She watched Jackson clench the remote, never taking his eyes off her. He hated to be ignored and she personally, found it hilarious. She couldn’t help noticing Kristin’s sideways glance toward Jeffery as if seeking permission to respond. Or decline. Maybe they would all pack up and leave her the hell alone.

  “What happened between the two of you?” Jeffery asked bluntly.

  “If you could figure out the answer to that, clue me in,” Jackson mumbled.

  Autumn’s control snapped. She picked up the nearest thing and threw it at him. Luckily for him, it was just a pillow. “You! Ugh. I’m so mad at you right now that I would love nothing more than to beat that cocky attitude out of you!”

  Jackson threw the pillow to the side. “You started all this shit.”

  “Oh, I started it. Yeah, okay.” Autumn’s jaw tightened and she simply shook her head. “That’s your typical answer, isn’t it? Blaming others. I honestly don’t know how you ever became a soldier because working together as a team is vital for your brigade, not to mention your life. My dad may think you’re a class act with all the shit you’ve kissed his ass to do, but I think you’re worse than the lowest scum on the face of this earth.”

  Autumn left a wide-eyed Kristin, a narrow-eyed Jeffery and an equally angry Jackson in the living room, and she ran to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. He simply didn’t get it, she realized. In his mind, if you don’t talk about it, it goes away.

  She shook her head and slid down the door to the floor. Maybe he was one of those who would never get it?

  * * * *

  Jackson stared at the closed bedroom door, torn between slamming his hand into a nearby wall or calling the Major and telling him he simply couldn’t see the case to the end. He’d never backed out on a case, but then again, dealing with Autumn wasn’t like tracking miles in the Amazon and hiding from rebels while he rescued a scientist either. She was worse.

  Jackson flipped through the stations to give him something to do with his hands. She hated him. He got that. She thought he was scum. He got that, too. What he didn’t understand was why she was so pissed off. He didn’t tell her that he didn’t trust her. He told her he trusted her as much as he could. He told her he wasn’t in love with her, but not that he didn’t love her. In all honesty, he didn’t know if he was capable of loving.

  “What the
hell are you thinking?” Jeffery asked as he moved his bag to sit. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but a deaf and blind mute could see you’ve hurt her. She went through enough the first time, Jack. And damn it, she still loves you.”

  “Fuck off, Jeff. You don’t know shit about anything we’re talking about, so mind your own business.” Jackson settled the TV on an action channel and couldn’t have cared less about the movie.

  “Maybe, I should talk to her,” Kristin offered.

  “No. Autumn likes to dwell in misery alone.” Jeffery grabbed Kristin’s hand and pulled her beside him on the couch.

  Jackson’s cell rang, and he answered after reading the Caller ID. It was Davis. “What?”

  “Why hello, darling, how are you?” Davis snickered.

  “Knock it off.”

  “Jeez. What bit you on the ass?”

  “Your sister.” Jackson stood and left the room, deciding Jeffery and Kristin had heard enough of his private life. “And I don’t mean that literally.”

  “What’s happened now?”

  Jackson spent the next moments telling him everything that happened between them. If Davis knew anyone, he knew both Jackson and Autumn. They’d been friends since they were eighteen, worked together, and even went on missions together. And well, Davis had known Autumn all her life.

  “So tell me what I missed?” Jackson sat in the spare bedroom with the door closed, waiting for his best friend to explain everything to him.

  “Number one, are you fuckin’ nuts? You never tell a woman your true feelings unless it’s the same as theirs because they never want to hear it. And you most certainly never tell them after sex. Lord, has your dick truly overruled your brain?”

  He could picture Davis rolling his eyes.

  “And secondly,” Davis continued, “why don’t you trust her? I know my sister pretty well, and I’m probably being biased, but she’s the one person I want in my army if we ever went to war.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t trust her. I said I trust her as much as I can.” Jackson started ripping the sheets off the bed. Since this room would be Jeffery and Kristin’s, it was only courtesy to change them himself.