Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

  Colin offered a reluctant smile. “It’s a nice surprise.”

  I leaned against his chest and hugged him with more verve than our usual friendly gesture. It had been at least a month, maybe longer since a genuine embrace had passed between us. The scents of summertime wafted off him. He patted my shoulder before he stepped back to hang up his lightweight jacket.

  “Practice was great. The boys are really coming together as a team.” He brushed past me without placing his hand on the small of my back in that protective way he used to.

  Naturally, those small gestures didn’t last a lifetime for anyone. But I wanted more.

  “Glad to hear it.” I rubbed his shoulder as we made our way to the dining area. “Maybe I can come to your next game?” I held a hopeful breath. What did it say about our marriage that he’d never once invited me to a game or that I felt his office—maybe even the entirety of the small campus—was off-limits to me? I shook off the notion that it was anything but my own insecurities. I wanted him to have his own space and his own pursuits, to not feel smothered the way some men did.

  He hesitated a beat too long. “Sure. That’d be great.”

  “Have a seat and relax. I’ll get dinner on the table. It’s your favorite.” I hurried to the kitchen and took the salad from the fridge first. When I returned to the dining area, he was already seated, a distant look in his eyes. By the time I finished bringing in the roast and potatoes, he had already served himself and was eating.

  “Thanks for dinner.”

  “I hope you enjoy.” I scooped potatoes with a heavy dose of gravy onto my plate. Minutes passed in silence. Not exactly what I’d had in mind. “You seem a little distant tonight.”

  “Long day.” He took a whopping bite, a mouthful to avoid conversation.

  “We had a pretty full day at the center. Two new clients.”

  “That’s nice,” he said, making eye contact only with his beef.

  “Hopefully we’ll be able to expand and hire more staff soon. Real staff, I mean. We’ve run through so many temps lately.”

  “Hope it works out.” He speared his meat.

  “What’s new at the college?”

  “Not much.” He chewed then took a drink.

  “Winding down for the semester? Did you get all the grades turned in?”

  “Yes.”

  “Maybe you can take some time off this summer, I mean, between sessions. Wouldn’t it be nice to get away? Even if it’s only for a few days, I think it would do us some … it would be fun.”

  He shook his head and looked up from his plate, as though really seeing me for the first time tonight. “I can’t.”

  “Why not? We could head to the beach, do a little surfing. You haven’t surfed in years. Remember when we went to—”

  “Crank called me into his office today and—”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah.” His tone softened. “Everything is fine—better than fine. In fact, he said I’m finally up for tenure.”

  A smile stretched my face. “Really? That’s great.” Why didn’t you call me?

  “I meant to call you,” he said, as though reading my thoughts. It was uncanny how he did that. How he’d always been able to do that when he actually tried. “Things got busy at the last minute.”

  I reached out and covered his hand with mine. The feel of his skin made me want more. More of him, his touch, his life. I held his gaze. “I’m so proud of you.”

  He nodded before withdrawing his hand and resuming his meal. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “You’ve worked so hard. This really does call for a celebration. What would you like to do?”

  “Nothing yet. It’s still a while before the tenure committee meets, and I have all kinds of work to do on my file before then.”

  “If you still have a while before they meet, then maybe we could—”

  “Did you hear what I said? I have to hustle for the next few months to make sure I get tenure. I can’t blow this.”

  “I guess we can take a vacation next year.” I attempted to keep the disappointment from my voice but failed miserably. Colin seemed unfazed. I took a tasteless bite and set my fork aside. “You don’t seem as happy as I thought you would.”

  He lifted his shoulder. “I still have a long road.”

  “I think we both do. We’re in this together.”

  He looked up. Candlelight flickered in his eyes as he engaged me. “More than you know.”

  The next few months would be pretty harsh, but with the worry about whether he’d ever even make this step in his career over, he’d have more time for us. This could be the breakthrough I’d been praying for. Finally we’d have something new to talk about.

  It wouldn’t be the ultimate goal that we’d been hoping for, but there was still time for a baby. I wasn’t yet forty and Colin was only thirty-five and eager to be a dad. He always had been from the time we met in college when he used to joke that we were meant to be a pair-bond—a random biology term that made my eyes roll.

  The early days had been a happy time with Colin and his friend Adam, and soon after Adam’s wife, Lani. An entire group formed around our cluster, which lasted a few years even after graduation and marriage when I started taking my faith more seriously and rethinking some of my choices. But all in all, they were good times, being young and in love.

  Maybe we could get back to that place and start fresh.

  I grasped his hands and tangled our fingers together. “If you’re finished eating … the dishes can wait.” I lifted my eyebrows suggestively.

  His mouth moved but he closed it again. A moment passed before he gave my hand a final squeeze and pulled back. “I have some work to do.”

  CHAPTER 6

  Colin

  Disappointing his wife was not what Colin had planned on when he came home.

  He let out a long, slow breath the moment Marissa started clearing away the dishes. She’d said that she was fine, she understood he had a lot to do, and she wanted to support him until his tenure was secure.

  What she hadn’t said was how disappointed she was they weren’t going to be together tonight, though he could see it reflected in her expression. He should’ve known when he walked through the door that she was up to something—from the way she’d swept up her hair and lit candles, to making his favorite meal and wearing the low-cut shirt—and he should’ve given in.

  It wouldn’t have killed him.

  But he was exhausted from the years of trying and the subsequent disappointment every single month. From the hope and the failure for reasons they couldn’t explain. From feeling like the entirety of their relationship came down to whether or not she found a plus sign in the window.

  If he were completely honest, he’d have to admit he felt like a little less of a man every time it didn’t happen. Yet he still wasn’t ready to go for an adoption, and he’d told her so whenever she mentioned the young mothers at her work who were looking for that kind of situation. Who knew what kind of kid he’d end up with then? Having kids was too important to take any chances with the children of strangers, even though Marissa was relentless in telling him that wasn’t something to be concerned about.

  He pushed back from the table and grabbed the salad bowl and dressing. The least he could do was help clean up after her nice gesture, despite the fact he knew she had an ulterior motive.

  The spray from the nozzle ran hard over the pan, and Marissa kept her back turned as she scrubbed.

  “Let me get that.” He took the sponge from her and edged her away from the sink.

  “I can do it. You have work to do.”

  “This will only take a minute.” He plunged his hands into the steamy water, despite her protests. Hadn’t he, just this afternoon, vowed to work on his marriage? Supposedly, the small gestures counted as much as grander ones, but he knew he couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted. Not tonight. Not after …

  He pushed the images of K
aitlyn from his mind. Thinking of her now was wrong, just as it always had been. Only before, he’d been too caught up in what the younger woman could offer him and the escape he experienced every time they were together.

  Colin squirted more dish soap into the sink and turned up the heat on the water full blast until he scalded his hands. Steam rose, and he focused on the sound of dishes and water until he was fully back in the present.

  “You need these if you want it that hot.” Marissa stood before him holding out yellow gloves. She turned off the water and tugged at his arm. “You’re going to burn yourself.”

  He glanced down at his red hands, stunned he’d been so absorbed in his thoughts.

  Marissa handed him a dish towel to dry off. “Truly, I can do these. You go on upstairs and get busy. You’ve got a lot on your plate tonight.” She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling with pride. When she’d said she was proud, it wasn’t an empty gesture.

  And when he’d said he couldn’t have done it without her, he was truthful. They’d walked a long road together. He didn’t want it to end here.

  Which made his decisions over the last few months all the more stupid.

  “I appreciate it.” He finished drying off and turned his back to her before his guilt mowed him over.

  These things happened in life. He wasn’t the first man to have an affair, and he wouldn’t be the last. He and Marissa had grown apart, and Kaitlyn filled the void. Nicely. But now that he was done with that … situation … he needed to forget it and move on. Guilt wouldn’t change the past, and it certainly wouldn’t help him regain the love he once had for his wife.

  Maybe telling her was what he needed to do to get them back on track. Or it could drive them apart for good. Marissa was always on the brink of what seemed like a pending breakdown, and loading her down with his indiscretions would only hurt her.

  No, he needed to move forward without her knowing. Live with the guilt or get eaten alive by it, it didn’t matter. What mattered was focusing on Marissa and trying to find some semblance of emotion for her, other than the nothingness he’d felt for so long.

  It was what any decent man would do.

  CHAPTER 7

  Kaitlyn

  Morning sickness—right. If only it were confined to morning. But it seemed that every time Kaitlyn didn’t eat, ate too much, smelled, or even saw food, she vomited. Not only that, but daily exhaustion washed over her like a tsunami until she thought she’d fall asleep standing. Making a whole new person was no joke.

  “You look like crap.” Sydney Donovan didn’t mince words, and she rarely added honey to make them go down sweetly.

  Kaitlyn ran a cool cloth over her face. Next time she hoped to have enough warning to at least shut the bathroom door, rather than subjecting her housemate to her issues. She rinsed the cloth and pressed it to her face to hide the tears she knew were coming.

  “I haven’t seen you this sick, well, ever.” Sydney guided her to the edge of the tub and sat her down. “Should I take you to the urgent care clinic?”

  Kaitlyn shook her head. Seeing a doctor was the last thing she wanted to do. It would make the situation far too real, even more than the pregnancy stick hiding in the drawer of her nightstand already had. Until she found a way to talk to Colin—which didn’t appear to be anytime soon, since he wasn’t returning her emails and calls—it was better to ignore the obvious.

  Sydney squatted next to her on the bath mat. “You have to level with me, and don’t give me a line about food poisoning. What’s going on?”

  If she concentrated on the coolness of the washcloth, maybe she could calm her stomach long enough to talk. She managed a shallow breath before peeling back the cloth. “I’ve got a problem, and I really don’t know what to do.”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “Is it that obvious?” Shame coated her voice. She wasn’t surprised her friend knew, but she hoped it wasn’t that apparent to everyone.

  Sydney pursed her lips. “Only to someone who steps into the same room as you.”

  Great. No one at The Bean had mentioned it, nor had they commented on her frequent trips to the restroom—yet another side effect of pregnancy that she hadn’t known about. But that didn’t mean she was hiding it as well as she thought she was. “Thanks for the honesty.”

  “Looks like you could use it.” Sydney rose and helped Kaitlyn to her feet. “Let me make you some tea and you can tell me everything.”

  Before Kaitlyn could protest, Sydney was padding across the hardwood floor to the kitchen of the tiny A-frame house they rented on the outskirts of Elden Springs. She headed for the living room and curled up in the worn recliner that they both refused to part with. After sharing a house for the last two years, it was hard for her to tell which furniture and knickknacks belonged to her and what belonged to Sydney. It was much better than the roommates she’d had when she first tried to attend college and lived in the dorm. What a disaster. Now, being a slightly older, nontraditional student suited her—aside from screwing it all up by dating the professor.

  “Oh, before I forget, your parents called and they want you to call them back tonight,” Sydney said over her shoulder before igniting the burner under the kettle. “No excuses.”

  Kaitlyn leaned her head against the chair and closed her eyes. “I can’t.”

  “You’d better. If you don’t, they’ll think I forgot to tell you. I don’t want to get in bad with your parents. Know what I mean?” Sydney pulled out the tea bags and spoon. “Are you hiding anything else from them?” Her dark eyes drilled Kaitlyn.

  “My grades,” she sighed, weary. “But I’m not actually hiding that anymore.”

  “Oh boy. Did you tell them?”

  “I sent them a copy.”

  Sydney folded her arms and shook her head. “Chicken.”

  “It’s the first bad grade I’ve gotten since coming back to school. Not like before, when all my grades were terrible. But you know my mom and dad.”

  “At least you don’t have to see them face-to-face,” Sydney teased. “I would not want to be you.”

  “That makes two of us.” She rocked in the recliner. Sydney’s light-hearted mood was soothing. Moments passed and she woke with a start at the clatter of the teacup on the table. She sat up and rubbed her head. “Sorry. I’m wiped out.”

  “So I’ve noticed, and that wasn’t even my first clue.” Sydney settled on the love seat next to the picture window, her black hair spilling against the cushion. Outside, twilight faded to dark, making the pine trees appear as lonely silhouettes against the skyline. “Now, tell me what gives.”

  “I already told you.”

  “I mean the details. Who, where, when—I already know the what and the how.”

  Kaitlyn picked up her teacup and blew ripples across the hot liquid. Breathed in the scent of chamomile and spices. Relaxed against the headrest. Of all the people she knew, Sydney could keep a secret. On the other hand, Colin had trusted her to do so and she couldn’t violate that.

  “You’re not saying much. Start with the who.”

  “I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t tell.” Heat swirled in her cheeks.

  “One-night stand?” Sydney winced.

  “Nothing like that.” She sipped and tried to calm her queasy stomach.

  “What kind of fool relationship is it where you have to promise not to tell anyone? Is he married or something?”

  “Of course not. It’s his job. He’s not supposed to be … involved with anyone.” She sipped again.

  “Don’t tell me he’s a priest, ‘cuz you’ll be in trouble with someone else”—Sydney pointed to the ceiling—“and not just your parents.”

  Kaitlyn widened her eyes. “He’s not a priest, and I think God’s going to be angry with me regardless of who the man is.” She vaguely recalled the Sunday school lessons that taught on His love and forgiveness, but running to Him now just because she was in trouble seemed insincere.

  “What other kind of job
requires a man not to have a relationship? That’s weird.” Sydney’s expression filled with disbelief. “So where did you meet this Mr. Wrong, and where is he now? And more importantly, why didn’t you tell me you were this serious with someone?”

  “I told you, he asked me not to say anything. It would put his job in jeopardy.” She tucked her feet underneath her bottom and wished her friend would quit pressing. At the same time, it felt good to let it out, if only a little.

  Sydney set her cup down with a clank and sat tall. “Oh my word. No, no, no. Did you … is he one of your professors? Is that why you aren’t supposed to say anything?”

  Kaitlyn felt her eyes go wide before she could moderate her expression.

  “I’m right.” Sydney shook her head and tsk-tsked. “This is not good. Do your parents know? Is that why they keep calling?”

  “No one knows about him, and no one else even knows I’m pregnant.” She choked on the last word.

  “Not even him?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to tell him.” Before he kicked me to the curb, she almost added. But speaking unkindly of him would only make her feel guilty once they were back together. The fact he hadn’t returned her calls or messages over the last week didn’t keep her from hoping that he’d eventually come to his senses.

  “This isn’t something you wait for the perfect moment to tell. The two of you have decisions to make.” Sydney rifled through the magazines and take-out menus on the coffee table until she came up with her keys and held them aloft. “Tonight. Let’s go. I’m driving.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Don’t give me any of that, just because the man’s a teacher. You have every right to march right up to his door and talk to him. For crying out loud, you’re carrying the man’s child!” Sydney reached out and tried to coax Kaitlyn out of the chair.

  Kaitlyn refused to budge. “You don’t understand—I don’t even know where he lives.” She braced herself for Hurricane Sydney.

  “What?” The shriek caused Kaitlyn to jolt. Sydney paced the living room, her dark eyes brooding. “Then where have you been meeting all this time?” She held up her hand. “Wait. I don’t want to know. It’s a good thing I’m going home for the summer so I don’t have to think about it.”