“But now that you’re back on track, are you ready to start a routine again?” I mentally ran through my already burgeoning schedule to see where I could make adjustments. If only I’d written everything down like Tristan had been hounding me for months, I could sign up for a gym membership today. I had to make sure I had time to spare before making the investment.
Oh, who was I kidding? With my marriage disintegrating and Colin spending more time away, not less, I had all the time in the world. He’d never notice I was gone. Funny thing was, with adrenaline zinging through my veins, I didn’t care—at least not the way I did even a week ago. Maybe it was time to do something for myself instead of obsessing over my husband.
In some ways, doing things for myself seemed selfish. I’d always been taught to put God first, then others, then myself—if there was time. But considering I hadn’t been doing such a great job of putting God first over the last few years, my priorities were already questionable. Now that I thought about it, Colin had overthrown God’s position, and that was a recipe for failure.
“Now that I’m in my second trimester, I think I’m ready to get back into this. Not too tired to function and not too big for a good cardio workout.” Kaitlyn slid off the barstool and patted her perky stomach.
At the mention of her pregnancy, I looked away and fished around in my bag for my phone. I pulled up Tristan’s number and started texting. “I need to let Tristan know I’m ready.”
“Did I say something wrong?” Kaitlyn’s tone lost its enthusiasm.
“No, not at all.” My mouth tightened with the lie. How could I explain about my loss? How could I explain about my failure to move forward? How could I tell her that I was jealous of her and every woman who walked through the doors of New Heights, every woman who wandered the streets with a coveted baby bump? I followed Kaitlyn to the lobby and considered my words. “It’s just …”
“Personal? Believe me, I understand,” she offered without judgment as sadness crept over her delicate face. “Lately my whole life is deciding what to tell to who. Sometimes it’s easier to just hold it in. Know what I mean?”
“I do, but I also know it’s not healthy to hold everything in.” I braced myself for her to throw my words back in my face.
“It’s not, but sometimes it’s nice to be with people who don’t have to know everything to still care about me.” She locked eyes with me, and in that moment we understood one another, a call to a silent truce on digging for details in one another’s lives.
Secrets were safest when they remained between me and God. Where she stood in her faith, I couldn’t be sure, but I knew my young friend needed space to just be. Without comment, without question, without judgment. I knew because I wanted the same thing.
I shoulder-bumped her. “I’m right there with you. But believe me, if I ever decide to talk to someone besides Tristan—good grief, he always knows everything anyway—I’ll come to you.”
We pushed through the front door and a warm breeze rushed over us. The sun was finally out again and beat down on my face, continuing the rejuvenation that had started inside the sweaty gym. Maybe it wasn’t selfish to do a few things for me. Maybe with God’s help I could work my way out of the funk I’d been drowning in. Maybe it wasn’t too late for a new beginning after all.
“Look, Tristan’s here.” Kaitlyn pointed at his freshly washed car pulling into the lot, gravel crunching under the tires.
He honked and waved when he spotted us.
I turned to Kaitlyn and felt awash with relief. “Thanks, I really needed this. I’ll see you Monday?”
“Bright and early at The Bean.” She gave me a thumbs-up. “I have a new drink for you to try.”
“As long as it’s not grass.” I wrinkled my nose, knowing there were probably myriad new things I needed to try in order to be healthy. Finally I was starting to feel ready, confident that I could make some decisions about my marriage and my future. No matter what had happened, Colin and I could work through it together, and based on the fact he hadn’t said otherwise, I was pretty sure he was willing to give it a shot.
After waving goodbye to Kaitlyn, I decided to get home and hunt down my husband. It was time we talked.
CHAPTER 33
Colin
Fire licked through Colin’s veins when he drove around the corner. There was his wife, climbing out of Tristan’s car with a stupid grin on her face. What had they been talking about? What was the jerk even doing at his house? It wasn’t like she didn’t get enough time with her business partner during the week. Colin pounded the steering wheel.
It was his own fault for heading out to work and leaving Marissa without a car, but it was Saturday and she hadn’t gone anywhere but work in weeks. Still, he should’ve waited around and offered to take her wherever she needed to go.
Tristan’s car rolled out of the driveway and headed toward Colin. He pretended not to see the man’s cool wave as he passed by.
Colin wasn’t stupid. He saw the way Tristan looked at Marissa—a look that had deepened over the years the more time they spent together. When he’d first been introduced to Tristan when they were all finishing school, it seemed like any other study-buddy relationship. Add to that the fact Tristan came off a little geeky in college with his lanky frame and wire-rimmed glasses, and Colin had nothing to worry about back then.
But somewhere along the line, Clark Kent had evolved into Superman.
Colin pulled into the space vacated by Tristan’s stupid car, slammed the gear into PARK, and snapped off the ignition. He clamped his mouth shut and forced himself to calm down. There was nothing to get worked up about. He was a man of science and reason. Logically, seeing Marissa climbing out of another man’s car did not automatically equal infidelity. But he was also a professor of biology and knew that some instincts were too powerful to control.
Unless he was just making excuses for his own behavior.
Colin climbed out of the car and slammed the door. At least he and Marissa were home at the same time. Maybe she’d finally be ready to talk. As much as he hated to admit it, Kaitlyn was right—his future relationship with his child depended entirely on Marissa’s good graces. Without her support it would be impossible to spend time with his son or daughter without feeling like he was sneaking around. And he was done with living a lie.
“You’re home early.” Marissa eyed him suspiciously when he walked inside, ratcheting up his already high-strung nerves.
“I saw you with Tristan, so I guess you really weren’t expecting me.” He moved closer and took in her casual—make that downright hideous—outfit. At least she wasn’t dressing to impress.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead.
“Nothing.” His jaw clamped, and he tore his gaze away, moved into the living room, and took a seat while his wife watched him with something resembling concern. He immediately bounced back up. Pacing was more comfortable. “We have to talk.”
“Boy, I’ll say we do.” The hint of sarcasm in her tone grated what was left of his nerves.
If only he hadn’t actually seen Tristan. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know his wife spent time with that man, but now on Saturdays too? He forced himself to dial it down a few notches and think logically like the scientist he was. They had a slew of things to discuss, and none of it had to do with him.
“Are you actually mad that I got a ride from Tristan?” Her eyes widened, incredulous.
“Of course not.” His denial came too quickly.
“That’s right. You, mad at me for being with someone else. That wouldn’t happen.”
His fists clenched in anticipation of one of her moods, but instead she laughed, one of the chiming, steeple-bell laughs that first drew him to her. But this afternoon, with the sunlight streaking through the window highlighting Marissa’s slightly dampened hair, her derisive laugh cheapened his feelings.
“I would’ve given you a ride,” he contended. “If that’s all
you were looking for.”
“Of course that’s all—what kind of crazy talk is this?” She folded her arms and matched his stance. “Oh, I get it now. You think because of what you’re doing that everyone else is a cheater too.”
Arguing wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Colin relaxed his stance and hoped Marissa would follow. This might be their only chance to talk, and he intended to make the most of it. “I’m sorry. I have no right to be … jealous.” He nearly choked on the confession, but at this point he had nothing to lose by being honest, and he hoped for the same from her. He moved closer and gauged her reaction. “For what it’s worth, she and I aren’t even together anymore.”
Marissa shot him a questioning look.
He raised his hands defensively. “I broke it off a long time ago.” Going to check on the mother of his unborn child wasn’t cheating. The quiet moment they’d shared, the intimacy of caressing her newly rounded belly, did not count. Not in the ways that anyone would care about.
“I guess that’s a starting point.” Marissa’s shoulders unbunched. She sat in the rocking recliner and tucked her feet underneath her bottom.
Colin took the seat closest to her and forced himself to sit. With any luck they’d be there a while to hash out what the rest of their lives was going to look like.
“I never knew you were that jealous of Tristan.” Her voice tripped with a hint of optimism.
“You spend a lot of time together.”
“You knew that when you married me.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “But that doesn’t really matter right now.”
“You’re right. We have other things to discuss.” Colin tried to organize his thoughts. How best to bring up the baby without freaking her out and sending her into another bout of depression? He eased back against the couch and tried to appear casual. “So … we need to talk about my baby.”
Marissa
Colin’s words gutted me. Moments ago I’d been elated to finally hear him admit he was jealous. Petty of me? Maybe. But after weeks of despondency and hopelessness that left me hollowed out, I deserved it.
It lasted ten glorious seconds before he detonated an emotional bomb that wiped me out.
“My baby.”
I crossed my arms and masked myself with indifference. “I thought you were going to say you’re ready for a divorce.”
Colin’s face screwed tight and he swiped his hand through his already-tousled hair. “Of course not. I don’t want to throw away a decade of marriage for a mistake.”
I was relieved, but I wasn’t going to say so. Our relationship, so fiery in the beginning, had flamed out long ago, yet there was still so much shared history. Our climb from living in a shack with carpet that looked like it had a bad comb-over, to living in an upper-middle-class neighborhood. Our journey from students—me, slightly older and nontraditional, and Colin, younger and optimistic—to a working professional and a professor on the brink of a promotion. Our marriage was rife with struggles, but I couldn’t imagine sharing life with anyone else.
Still, I wasn’t ready to release my heartbreak and let him off the hook. Knowing myself, I might never be. My breath came more rapidly. “Well, what about your baby?” My heart ached all over again, like I was hearing about his baby for the first time. The pain of being childless was now a pain I’d have to suffer alone.
He glanced away, appropriately shamed. “I’m sorry. There really isn’t a good way to bring this up. I just need to get it in the open.”
My so-called husband, ever the pragmatist. I cocked my head. “Go for it,” I said, as if he hadn’t already.
I chided myself for my dark thoughts. For a split second I closed my eyes and willed myself twenty minutes into the past, when I was ready to face new challenges with hope. Then four minutes into the past when Colin admitted jealousy. I locked those feelings into place before speaking again.
“Tell me what you’re wondering about,” I said, holding myself together.
Colin released a weighty breath, signaling he was on the verge of either exasperation or a deep revelation. His dark eyes warred between angst and hope. “I just need to know you’ll support me having a relationship with my child.”
I wanted to be a big enough person to say yes without hesitation, offering my blessing to him for the benefit of a child who had no part in his or her parents’ sins. I’d dedicated my whole life to the unborn and babies in crisis, never imagining myself mixed up in a situation just as heartbreaking. I’d championed for babies just like Colin’s—babies who needed their fathers. Babies like I had once been. What kind of child advocate would I be if I kept him from his son or daughter? I’d be a fraud and a hypocrite.
And yet … by conceding, I would now be committing to sharing my husband with another family for the rest of my life.
The clock ticked in the hallway and dust motes floated freely in the afternoon sun. Despite the yearning on his face, I couldn’t force an answer.
Lord, have mercy. A prayer I’d heard my mother utter thousands of times. So appropriate now as I needed God’s unfiltered mercy more than ever. Mercy on our lives. Mercy to see me through the coming years. Mercy on my unforgiving soul.
I swallowed the cotton in my throat and willed myself to meet his eye. “You can’t bring the baby here,” I pronounced, despite the fact he’d be visiting his child without my watchful overseeing. But really, it made no difference now. Either he’d cheat again or he wouldn’t—I had no power one way or the other.
“I wouldn’t ask you to let me.” He sounded just north of caring.
I flicked my hand dismissively. “I won’t stand in your way.”
Colin sagged, apparently relieved. “You don’t know how much this means.”
Oh, but I did.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said lightly, as though we’d only been engaged in small talk over tea and scones. “Maybe we could try counseling.”
I pushed out of my seat, not believing what I’d just heard. Water, I needed water. I fished inside my gym bag I’d dropped next to the chair and came up with an empty bottle.
“What do you think?” he asked as I headed for the kitchen where he couldn’t see my face.
“I guess—if you think it’ll help.” I couldn’t bring myself to feel joy like I would have a month ago. Not because he sounded insincere, but because his baby was now his focus and our marriage was simply an afterthought.
CHAPTER 34
Kaitlyn
Guilt plagued Kaitlyn for days after Colin’s visit. They hadn’t done anything wrong, per se, but the closeness they’d shared, his strong hands on her stomach, was more than his wife would appreciate. It was more than she appreciated now that she knew what kind of man he really was.
“Aren’t you about out of here?” Jake glanced at his giant watch, snapping her out of her thoughts.
Quickly she resumed arranging the display of mugs and bags of coffee beans rather than allowing her mind to wander now that the morning rush had slowed. “I guess I wasn’t keeping track. The morning went by so fast.”
Jake leaned against the chrome counter and crossed his ankles. “You seem to be doing a lot better than you were a month ago.”
She lowered her eyes as she set the last mug in place. “In what way?” Hopefully he didn’t bring up anything she wasn’t ready to share. But if not now, when? Her bulky blue apron wouldn’t hide her bulge much longer.
Jake scanned the nearly empty shop. “It’s just that I was getting worried about you there for a while. Not to be mean, but you were kind of sick—”
“Wow, thanks.”
“And pale—”
“I get it.” She grabbed the towel from her apron and snapped it at him.
“And tired, like you were dead on your feet.” He shook his head, his brown curls flopping into his eyes. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were knocked up.”
Kaitlyn inhaled the aroma of dark roast coffee beans as she weighed the consequences of telling th
e truth. Now that her parents knew, who did she really have to hide it from? Towel in hand, she placed her fist on her hip and stared him down. “That’s a tacky way to put it, but if you must know …”
Jake did a double-take then went slack-jawed. “Dude, no way.”
Kaitlyn shrugged. “Babies happen.”
He offered a sloppy grin. “Who’s the culprit—I mean, lucky guy?”
“That,” she said with a sassy toss of her ponytail, “is none of your business.”
“Ha! Now I know the old Kaitlyn is back.” Jake moved closer and shot her a playful elbow. “Get out of here now—your shift’s over.”
Kaitlyn laughed at his goofiness. It was good to finally tell Jake and gain back the old camaraderie. At least one thing was normal. Someday it would be nice to talk openly about her plans for the baby and show everyone the fun stuff her pregnancy tracker app told her each day. Too bad she’d promised Colin she’d keep her mouth shut. As her father taught her, a person was only as good as their word.
She clocked out from work and tried to ignore the pang in her chest over losing her father’s love. No, that wasn’t quite right. It was his respect she’d lost, and there was no getting it back.
As she drove to New Heights, her thoughts turned to what kind of relationship Colin would have with their child. Suddenly, something occurred to her—did he have other children? He’d hidden his wife from her, so it was reasonable to assume there could be children, and he’d left no trace of himself on social media—the go-to way to check on someone without them knowing.
Remorse and regret brewed inside her. What if she’d wrecked not only a marriage but an entire family? No wonder he was being completely tight-lipped about his situation. He was probably trying to protect his kids as long as he could.
After a short drive through town, she pulled her car to a stop in front of New Heights and rested her head on the steering wheel. Now it was even more critical that she keep quiet—if not for Colin, then for his innocent family.
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