The afternoon dragged on much more slowly than the morning. She missed coffee—a lot. Even though her doctor said she could have some in moderation, she didn’t want to take any chances. Several clients came and went for appointments, referrals, counseling, and myriad other details that she needed to coordinate. The satisfaction that came from helping other women like herself couldn’t be measured by a paycheck, but that didn’t make the day go any faster.
The clock on the mantel in the lobby inched toward five when Marissa opened the door to her office. “Is Tristan finished with his client?”
Kaitlyn scanned the appointment book and compared times. “No. She came in late so he might be a while. It was Isabelle, and she usually”—she lowered her voice—“has a lot to talk about.”
Marissa smiled just before her eyes narrowed as if she’d just thought of something important. “Are you taking off right away?”
“I don’t have to, why?”
“I have an idea.” Marissa motioned for her to come into the office then closed the door with a soft click once she was inside.
Hopefully whatever idea Marissa had involved working a few more hours a week so she could buy groceries before Colin came around again. The humiliation of her empty cupboards still haunted her, but until recently she hadn’t even been hungry. Morning sickness had been one big appetite killer.
“Have a seat over here.” Marissa gestured to the table before she unrolled a long sheet of fresh exam-table paper.
“Is this what I think it is?” she asked hesitantly as she situated herself. Though she knew Marissa would have said yes to an ultrasound anytime, she hated asking for things because it always made her feel even more broke than she already was.
“If you’re due at Christmastime, that makes you about twenty weeks. If the baby cooperates, we might see what you’re having—unless you don’t want to know.”
“Of course I want to know.” Unexpected joy filled Kaitlyn as she thought about Little Nugget. The paper crinkled beneath her as she lay back and pulled up her gauzy top to reveal her baby bump. “My stomach looks so much larger without a shirt covering it.”
“It’s adorable.” A wistful expression flashed across Marissa’s face before she turned around and began to rummage through the drawer near the ultrasound machine. She pulled out a towel and handed it over. “Tuck this into your shorts to keep the gel off. It might be a little cold since I already turned off the warmer.”
“I don’t mind—anything to see Little Nugget.” Kaitlyn secured the towel and then placed her hands behind her head, tilting enough to have a clear view of the screen.
Marissa rolled her chair next to the table and pulled on a pair of gloves. “Little Nugget? I haven’t heard you say that before. Cute!”
“I’m not sure Nugget’s father thought so.” At least judging by his funny expression. But to be fair, he’d gone along with it.
Marissa’s eyebrows peaked as she smeared the gel. Apparently she was curious but respected the silent boundaries they’d somehow negotiated, and for that Kaitlyn was thankful. Marissa pressed the tip of the wand against her belly and shifted it around, stopping every few seconds to take a measurement and click a photograph. It all looked like static and fuzz to Kaitlyn.
“Do you see anything yet?”
“I’m seeing all kinds of good stuff,” Marissa said, never pulling her gaze from the screen. “From what I can tell—and remember I’m not a doctor, yada, yada—your Little Nugget is looking healthy. See the heart beating?” She pointed with her left hand at the flutter on the screen.
Tears sprang to Kaitlyn’s eyes and her breath hitched. “I can’t believe it.” She swiped away the moisture so she could see. “It’s like a tiny miracle.”
“It really is.” Marissa’s eyes misted too, and her lower lip quivered.
Kaitlyn smiled, thankful to have a friend who shared her joy so fully. A friendship without complications. “Thank you for taking the time to do this.”
“Of course.” Marissa’s expression brightened. “I’m sorry I didn’t think of it sooner. I guess we’ve been a little busy around here.”
“That’s an understatement.” Kaitlyn’s tired eyes and sore back were a testament to that. “Just curious,” she said, hoping her question didn’t violate their unspoken agreement, “why did you choose this over working for an OB or another doctor? I’m sure you’d probably make more money—not that I’ve been eavesdropping on you and Tristan’s conversations.”
Marissa laughed, releasing the strong scent of peppermint gum that made Kaitlyn a little nauseous. “If you didn’t catch some of those conversations, it would mean you weren’t paying attention.”
“You’re qualified to do ultrasounds anywhere, aren’t you?”
“The only thing I’m really allowed to do here is show women images of their babies without making any diagnoses, but I was a registered nurse before I became a licensed sonographer. So long story short, I can do this anywhere.” Marissa set down the wand, her shoulders sagging. “I really thought this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re leaving.” Kaitlyn propped herself up on her elbows. “This place wouldn’t be New Heights without you.”
Energy seemed to leak out of Marissa before she answered. “I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but honestly …”
“What?” At this point, Kaitlyn didn’t care if she was overstepping since her boss almost seemed ready to share. “I mean, this is important work you’re doing here. I can’t imagine where I’d be right now if not for you and Tristan, Christina, and even the clients. It’s like a family here. So many women in my situation need that.”
Marissa offered a feeble smile. “And that is precisely why I do what I do.” Her shoulders heaved with a deep breath. “Maybe someday I’ll branch out. You never know what’s in store, right? I mean, after all, you got me to try Zumba.”
Kaitlyn giggled. “Trying a new workout is a lot different than trying a new career.”
“Touché.” Marissa picked up the wand and resumed her inside look of Little Nugget. Her eyes turned misty again, and this time it didn’t seem like it was out of joy for Kaitlyn. What could have Marissa this upset? She and Tristan seemed to be getting along fine, at least as far as they let on in public. Of course, one never knew what went on behind closed doors.
It was better not to press the issue. If Marissa wanted to open up to her, she would. Kaitlyn settled back again and tried not to look into her friend’s eyes and see the angst. Finally, she couldn’t stand not knowing. “Is something wrong? I mean, I don’t want to pry, but you seem a little upset.”
Marissa set down the wand and stared blankly at the wall for several seconds before speaking. “I’ll tell you, but you can’t repeat it. Please.”
“You have my word.”
“At this point, I can’t seem to get pregnant.” The tight expression revealed how much it cost Marissa to admit what was obviously painful.
The paper bunched underneath Kaitlyn as she sat up all the way. She clutched her chest. “Oh no. I … can’t imagine.”
“I’ll bet.”
Kaitlyn detected an artificial happiness in Marissa’s voice and immediately caught her breath. “I’m sorry … that was the wrong thing to say. I guess I don’t know what to say. It must be so hard for you to be here, doing what you do, in your situation.”
Marissa’s mouth turned down. “I didn’t know I had a problem until years after we opened New Heights. I have to admit, doing the job has gotten more painful, but—” She shook her head. “That’s not for you to feel sorry for me about. Just like you don’t want anyone feeling sorry for you. Deal?”
“Of course.” Kaitlyn pulled her shirt down, unwilling to put Marissa through anything more. Her aunt had dealt with infertility for years, and Kaitlyn remembered the grief that always seemed to be present at family gatherings when there were small children and babies.
“Hold on, we’re not d
one.” Marissa motioned for her to lie back again and lift her shirt. “We haven’t gotten to the best part.”
“Are you sure?”
Marissa placed her hand on Kaitlyn’s forearm and locked onto her gaze. “Yes. Remember when I promised you I’d do everything I could to help?”
Kaitlyn nodded. That had been the first time she’d felt any measure of hope since she’d seen the plus sign in the window of the home pregnancy kit. It was the moment she’d actually believed she could do this, with or without Colin.
“I meant what I said. My personal issues are just that, and I’m not going to let them keep me from doing my job—or sharing the joy with my friend.” This time Marissa’s eyes brightened when she smiled.
“If you insist.” Kaitlyn lay back, crinkling the paper beneath her. The wand pressed firmly on her stomach, and she watched the screen, still not entirely sure what she was seeing, except she noted a head every few moments before it disappeared.
“And here’s the money shot.” Marissa clicked the mouse to capture the photo. “Do you see it?”
“See it?” There was only one it she could think of, and the screen wasn’t clear enough for her to identify it herself. “Does that mean it’s a boy?”
“No, silly. Look closer at this part that looks like a little sandwich.” Marissa beamed. “You’re having a baby girl!”
CHAPTER 35
Colin
The counseling session was a bust.
The leather couch squawked as Colin shifted closer to Marissa. He noted the therapist’s scrutinizing gaze assessing his every move. It wasn’t like he was trying to fool her with his body language by inching nearer to his wife to look like a supportive husband, but he needed an edge. Having a female counselor—a Christian one, at that—already put him at a disadvantage, or at least it felt like it so far.
“The early years were wonderful.” Marissa’s wistful recounting of how they met unearthed fond memories.
Colin smiled at her and reached for her hand. She stiffened under his touch, and he saw Dr. Graves notice, even though the older woman’s face betrayed nothing. Given the number of diplomas on the wall, she supposedly knew what she was doing, yet Colin still felt uneasy.
“How do you remember your first years of marriage, Colin?” The doctor examined him and scratched a note on her pad.
He cleared his throat and slung his arm over the couch. “The same.”
“What do you feel brought and held you together?” Dr. Graves tilted her head.
Hormones and a hot wife, he thought but didn’t dare say. Colin rubbed the scruff on his chin as he dug around for a more meaningful answer, but he couldn’t do better than the truth. That’s what had brought them together—plain old chemistry and instant attraction that neither one had a reason to deny. That was back before she took the whole God thing seriously. It was fine when they were first together and church was for Christmas and Easter, but then she took it too far. Just like she took everything too far. But to be fair, neither one of them was the same person they were when they’d met, not by a long shot.
“Colin?” Dr. Graves prodded.
He pulled his arm off the back of the couch—Marissa wasn’t leaning toward him anyway—and clasped his hands at his knees. “Like my wife said, we met in college and were instantly drawn together. We spent every minute we could with each other and never got tired of it.”
“Are you saying you’re tired of it now?” Marissa’s tone turned combative. She ran her fingers through her long, tangly hair. Hair that he used to love running his own fingers through. “What am I saying? Of course you are. That’s why you found someone else.” The disgust in her voice burned.
Dr. Graves held up her hand, her rings glinting in the afternoon sunlight that fell through the office window. “We’ll go there in a minute. But before we do, I want to hear about the foundation of your relationship, your common beliefs and interests. I’d like to get an understanding of the two of you as a couple.”
Marissa settled back in her seat before launching into all the memories of the good and idyllic. Funny how he didn’t remember them the same way, but the last thing he wanted to do was contradict his wife. He needed to repair their relationship so they could move forward and come to a compromise about the baby, one they could both peaceably live with.
It only took minutes for her to get to the miscarriage and how it affected everything from the way they communicated to their intimate times. His face grew warm at the recounting, and he hated the way Dr. Graves’s gaze flicked between him and her notepad. What was she writing? He’d give his eyetooth to have a look.
Focus—he needed to pay attention to what Marissa was saying. Somehow the topic of the miscarriage always upset him nearly as much as it did her, only he didn’t have the luxury to cry. Out of habit, he searched for a box of tissues and handed it to Marissa. The vulnerability etched on her face undid him every time. Made him feel like less of a man because he couldn’t protect her from her raw emotions, nor could he provide the one thing she really wanted.
Only now they both knew it wasn’t him.
Colin didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse. Was it wrong to be elated because he finally had a child on the way? Probably. But he couldn’t change his feelings, just like he couldn’t change his feelings back when he met Marissa and went wild for her.
Just like he couldn’t change his feelings and force himself to love her now.
He cringed at the unbidden realization.
Dr. Graves noticed. “Did you have something to add?”
“No. Sorry.” He edged away from Marissa and crossed his legs, trying to appear more casual than he felt. He directed his gaze at the leafy tree swaying in the breeze outside the window. “It’s an upsetting subject.”
“That’s understandable.” Dr. Graves referenced her notepad before glancing at Marissa. “Please, continue.”
Marissa sniffled and began speaking with a wobbly voice that Colin had to steel himself against. The age-old desire to protect her crept over him, even though he knew she’d reject him if he reached out. So he stayed still and let her talk.
Did he really not love her anymore? The new thought nagged him and refused to let go. It just didn’t seem possible, not after all these years. Sure, he’d screwed up, but he felt bad for it and was trying his best to set things right again. It was his suggestion to come to counseling in the first place, though he wouldn’t have chosen a Christian therapist. But he’d given in and let Marissa have her way. Didn’t that count for something?
Love.
Was there any between them after all these years? He certainly couldn’t picture his life without her, but at the same time an endless future together seemed painful. That wasn’t anyone’s definition of love.
The fact that he wanted to stick it out had to mean something. He just didn’t know what. Colin glanced at the clock on the mantel and willed it to move faster.
“Would you agree?” Dr. Graves looked straight at him, blinking rapidly.
Colin shifted, trying to recall what Marissa had said and coming up blank. He scratched his chin and studied the pattern in the carpet.
“What do you think held you together all these years?” Dr. Graves prompted.
Marissa scrutinized him from the side, working the tissue between her fingers.
He drew a deep breath and told the truth as best as he understood it. “Here’s the thing: we’ve gone through a lot of good times and bad times together, and that really affected how we felt about each other. When I was down, she was strong. When she was down, I tried to be strong.” He glanced between the two women. “The lucky thing was, we never fell out of love at the same time.”
Marissa turned to face him, eyes wide. Her lips parted like she wanted to speak but nothing came out.
“Would you agree with that, Marissa?”
“No, not at all.” She shook her head, her lower lip trembling. “Because I never fell out of love.”
M
arissa
Myriad emotions jammed in my throat at Colin’s revelation, and suddenly our relationship made a whole lot more sense than it had ten minutes ago.
He’d been falling in and out of love ever since the miscarriage, or maybe sooner.
I clenched the tissue in my hand and braced myself against the tears that pressed on the back of my eyes. Crying would only make me appear weak and even more undesirable than I apparently already was. I hated that I felt that way with him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” Colin’s foot twitched as he expelled the nervous energy he’d been trying to deal with since the moment we walked into Dr. Graves’s office. This whole thing had been his idea, but here he sat, barely following along in the conversation and looking everywhere but at me or the therapist. Did he only suggest counseling so he’d have a safe place to drop emotional bombs? So that if I happened to fall apart there would be a professional to clean up the wreckage?
My mouth hung open and I wanted to speak, wanted to say something profound that would make him realize that he loved me more than his job, more than his sports. More than his lover. But I had nothing more to add after having sliced open my gaping wounds for the majority of our first session.
“Honesty is a good place to begin,” Dr. Graves offered before capping her pen. “The question is, where do the two of you want to go from here?”
I smirked—the only defense mechanism I had left. Where, indeed?
The old-fashioned church bells pealed as Mom and I stepped out of the stone building. Clouds hovered over the city, on the verge of spewing rain. The low rumble of thunder soothed me, even as the prayers had soothed me moments ago.
Ever since the counseling session, I’d been focusing on finding peace somewhere—anywhere—besides home. I stayed longer at work, started attending Bible study, and took two cardio classes instead of one. I was about to ask Mom to go out for lunch, just to avoid Colin’s gazes that vacillated between coldness and pity.
Shadows of Hope Page 20