Colin stood abruptly and paced. “It looks to me like you don’t want our marriage, like you’re ready to toss it out. You’re just waiting for me to pull the trigger.” He leaned close, until our noses were almost touching. “But I’m not going to, so you might as well start trying to get along.”
“What, exactly, is keeping you here?” The tremor in my voice ticked me off. I’d already spent too many years playing the weakling wife, and I regretted every wasted moment and every ounce of pity he’d spent on me. Was that the only thing keeping him here now, when he clearly preferred to start a new life with someone else?
“Because I don’t quit. I may get sidetracked, I may get knocked down, but that doesn’t stop me. No matter how hard things get or how low I sink, I don’t give up.”
“Great.” I threw my hands in the air. “Does that make me your charity project?”
“You’re my wife, and I wish you’d start acting like it.”
“Oh, so now I’m the one not playing the part?” I rose and stationed myself by the window, focusing on the raindrops smearing the view. “I’ve never forgotten who I was and what that meant.”
“You might not have done that, but you sure checked out of life more than a few times.”
“That was not my fault.” I ground my teeth again, pressing back the hurt and anger, the aching loss that blanketed me whenever I thought of the child we should have had. “Clearly you didn’t care as much as I did, and that’s not my fault either.”
“Don’t you dare tell me how I felt.” His voice rose, causing the hair on my neck to stand. “I was there with you every step of the way, only you were too self-absorbed to see it!”
“I’m done! I won’t listen to this anymore.” I hardened my expression and forced the tears not to fall. I would never be weak enough to let him defeat me again. Not when I was, apparently, required to share him with another family.
“Remember how I said that sometimes I fell out of love with you?” He paused, his nostrils flaring. “This is one of those times.”
CHAPTER 39
Marissa
Colin’s words seeped into my soul like poison, leaching out every iota of confidence I’d recently gained. Stunned, I had nowhere to turn. Not even the comfort usually found in scripture could ease the ache in my chest.
I tiptoed down the stairs and past his office, grabbed my keys and purse, and left. Not that I had anywhere to go or a listening ear that wouldn’t make me more confused than I already was. Mom would launch into another diatribe about how God hates divorce, which I already knew. Briefly I considered visiting Kaitlyn, not to talk about my problems—goodness knew she had enough of her own—but to simply be with a friend.
I sighed and drove the opposite way. No matter how good my intentions were in visiting her, she was starting to be able to read me, and she didn’t need the weight of my own sorry issues in addition to her own.
But the burden of loneliness pressed against me, compelling me to find someone to talk to, which was how I found myself at Tristan’s house.
“You look terrible.”
“That really wasn’t what I wanted to hear.” I scooted around him and stopped in the living room, startled by the presence of another woman, who seemed equally surprised to see me. “I’m sorry.” My gaze bounced between them. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I should go.”
“Don’t bother.” The leggy brunette snatched her handbag and cast a look of disdain at me. “I was just leaving.”
I didn’t remember seeing another car outside, but I hadn’t been paying attention to anything but finding the comfort of a familiar face. “Really, I can go.”
“It’s fine.” Tristan’s clipped tone made me think it was anything but. He turned toward the woman whose eyes flashed with fire. “I’ll see you out.” He disappeared around the wall that separated the living area from the foyer and spoke in a hushed tone. “It doesn’t have to end this way.”
“Clearly it does. What just happened is proof of that.” The woman’s glass-shattering pitch ended the conversation.
I shrank myself to try to blend in. What had just happened? If only I’d gone to Kaitlyn’s instead, Tristan would be working things out with … whoever his most recent lady-friend was. I never could keep them straight, and since none of the relationships lasted too long or seemed too serious, I rarely tried.
The soft click of the door ended their interaction. I heard Tristan release a heavy breath before he came back around and met me on the sofa.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” He casually took up a cup and sipped his tea—a nightly ritual of his since college.
“Sorry for interrupting. I had no idea you had company.” I fidgeted, unwilling to set down my purse in case Tristan confessed to wanting to be alone.
“Her name is Sheryl.”
I was momentarily surprised that he was still with the same woman, but I tried not to let on. “I had no idea Sheryl was here.”
His eyebrow tented. “You didn’t see her car in the driveway?”
It was a question I’d already asked myself and didn’t have an answer for. “I guess I wasn’t paying attention. I really feel bad. Maybe you should go after her. A woman wants to be chased when she leaves. Trust me, I know.”
“So you left and Colin didn’t follow?”
I eased back against the plush sofa and relaxed. “Has he ever followed me? Actually, he didn’t know I left.” This time. That didn’t account for all the other times he never came for me. I’d spent our entire marriage chasing after him, being the one who loved more. Who loved at all.
Tristan took a final sip and stood. “As long as you’re here, you can help me with the dinner dishes.”
“Does that mean you’re not going after her—Sheryl?” I followed him into the kitchen where a Bach cantata played in the background and an explosion of pots and pans and casserole dishes littered the counter. I wrinkled my nose. “What on earth happened in here? No wonder she left.”
“Funny.” He shot me a pointed look. “You must be masking something.”
I grabbed a dish towel and whipped it at him. “Quit trying to read me.”
Tristan leaned against the counter and searched my eyes for a breathless moment. “I don’t have to try.”
Quickly I turned away, anxious to dry dishes that weren’t yet washed.
“And no, I’m not going after Sheryl. This one was never going to work out. We’re on two totally different paths.” He plugged the sink, turned on the hot water, and squirted in blobs of soap. “That happens sometimes,” he said, not meeting my eye.
“No offense, but it seems to happen to you a lot.” I scraped the pasta off the first dish and placed it in the sink, then started the next. The man needed a dishwasher, but for years he’d refused to budge, saying they didn’t get the dishes as clean.
He grimaced. “There’s no point in sticking it out with someone who isn’t right for me.”
“But you need a good woman—you deserve one.” I piled several more dishes into the sink, the sudsy water sloshing over the lip.
He started scrubbing furiously. “Do any of us really deserve those things? I’d hate to think God would give me what I really deserve.”
“Don’t go philosophical on me.” I moved to the other side of Tristan and started to rinse the dishes he’d washed.
“Speaking the truth, that’s all.”
“So do you care to tell me what happened tonight? Maybe I can help. I have a lot of experience in trying to patch things up.”
Tristan laughed, rightly so. “I’m good with letting this one go. I wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better for showing up unannounced on my doorstep.”
Despite his words, I knew he wanted me there. He, too, was comforted by the familiar, and I didn’t need Tristan to put on his psychologist’s hat to tell me so. We’d been through so many ups and downs that standing next to one another at the end of a down seemed natural. Except lately, he’d been doing more of the givin
g, and frankly, I was tired of being on the receiving end. I wanted to be the strong one.
Yet Colin’s words burned through me like acid, stealing my resolve to get a backbone.
The casserole dish in Tristan’s hands seemed to have taken on an enormous job this evening, with some kind of tomato-based sauce splattered everywhere. I pointed with the dish towel. “You sure went to an awful lot of trouble tonight for someone you’re just as happy to let go.”
Tristan stopped and let the dish slide under the soapy water, then turned to face me. “If you must know, I like her well enough, but she seems to be a little jealous … of you.”
I looked away. “Oh, that again?” It wasn’t the first time he’d given up a romantic relationship in order to sustain our friendship. Funny how any woman would be jealous of me, all things considered. Tristan needed someone strong and secure, someone who worked as hard as he did but knew how to get him to lighten up and play. Someone full of compassion who also had a good sense of humor. He deserved that, and I reminded myself to keep looking for the perfect woman for him because that’s what good friends did.
He shrugged and resumed scrubbing. After a minute, he handed me the dish and started the next. “I told her to meet you before getting upset, but she didn’t seem to want to. She has a lot of old insecurities.”
“You keep going for that type.” I sprayed the suds off the casserole dish. “What does that say about you?”
Once again he stopped and locked eyes with me. An unspoken current passed between us, one I chose to ignore. I don’t know what he wanted to say or what was on his mind, but I could guess. Thankfully he was too much of a gentleman to go there.
But he wasn’t too much of a gentleman to not pry into my marriage. “So what happened tonight? Do I need to worry about Colin showing up here with a baseball bat?”
“Ha-ha. You’re pretty funny when you set your mind to it.” We all knew Colin showed little to no emotion, at least until tonight when he threw the brush at the wall. I shuddered at the memory. His clinical veneer had finally cracked.
“Seriously, what happened?”
My throat constricted, and I cast my gaze at the stainless steel sink. “He came right out and said he doesn’t love me.”
Tristan winced. “Ouch. That’s a new one.” He continued scrubbing for a moment, our shoulders grazing with the motion. “Did something happen that set him on edge?”
“Who knows anymore.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
I slapped the towel against the sink. “Cut it out. Don’t give me the psychology garbage. I need a friend.”
He dropped the pan and pulled his soapy hands from the water and stared me down. “Fine. Then as a friend I have to ask, were you really surprised?”
The truth was attacking from all sides, and it hurt. I hurt. But I couldn’t run from it, not with Tristan’s probing gaze trying to unearth an answer. “No, I wasn’t.”
“What do you plan to do about it?”
“What can I do about it? I can’t make him feel one way or the other. I have no control over Colin.” I wound and unwound the towel around my hand, waiting for whatever was to come.
“Exactly.” His tone, laced with sympathy and truth, delved into the bruised parts of my heart. “You only have control of you. What are you going to do about the situation?”
“I’m not getting a divorce, if that’s what you’re thinking.” I rubbed my head to ward off the ache that was starting to form. “He already thinks Christians are hypocrites. Can you imagine what he’d think about that? I don’t want to lead him in the wrong direction.”
“Seems to me like he’s leading himself in the wrong direction.”
“But I don’t need to make it worse. I don’t want to be accountable to God for that.”
Tristan set to work on the dishes again, seeming to consider my argument. “‘How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?’” The Bible verse he whipped out seemed a little too convenient.
“You’re probably taking it out of context,” I countered, though I wasn’t really sure. It seemed I had some studying to do later, if I felt up to it. There were so many ways to use scripture that it boggled the mind, and frankly, I was too exhausted to parse words to find the truth. I wanted the truth handed to me and was fairly certain it wouldn’t involve divorce.
“I’m just saying you have options. God doesn’t want you to be a doormat either. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause for adultery.”
The word sounded so harsh coming from him. I wrinkled my nose and sprayed suds off the pan. “Well, thank you, Reverend Tristan.”
He scoffed. “Fine—try to help a friend and look what happens.”
I held up the pan. “Who’s helping who?”
“Good point.” He turned on the tap, tested the temperature, and added some more hot water and soap. “So any idea what set him off?”
I thought back to the fight and the way Colin had avoided me until I cornered him. The helpless look in his eye when we finally connected. A look I’d seen only one other time. Then it hit me, like a cold slap. “Oh no. No.” I shook my head and closed my eyes, realizing how oblivious I’d been. How self-involved, when in fact his mood was probably not even about me, no matter how I’d twisted it.
“What?”
“I’ll bet he didn’t make tenure.”
CHAPTER 40
Marissa
Funny how it’s the ugly, fetid parts of life that drive you to your knees and send you digging around in scripture until you find some morsel to keep you fed, if only for another hour until you can get another fix. Such was my life for the next several weeks that led into autumn. There were new lows that tore holes in my heart at every turn, and each time I emerged I would realize how much stronger I’d grown. Panic attacks dissipated, replaced by more exercise and a strict regimen of healthy foods, sleep, and daily pep talks in the mirror.
I’d even started to rethink my life—though I’d never admit as much to Tristan. It wasn’t so much considering a life without Colin but how I could remake a life with him. How I could go on to try other things and quit obsessing about being childless. But just as I couldn’t live without Colin, I couldn’t quite imagine living without New Heights and all the goals and dreams and attachments that came with it. My life’s purpose had been so singularly focused, there was little else I could see myself doing no matter how much I had to claw my way from despair to joy every single day.
On a crisp afternoon in early October, Colin and I finished one of our sporadic and highly polarizing counseling sessions. No one was more relieved than I was when the hour was over, except perhaps Dr. Graves.
I slid on my sunglasses to fend off the glaring light—a stark contrast to the muted, stoic office we’d just done battle in. “I’ll see you at home?” These days I was never sure, and since we’d driven separately I might not see him anytime soon. Despite his not receiving tenure, Colin’s work hours hadn’t changed, if that’s where he even was. For all I knew he was still seeing his mistress and preparing for his baby.
I’d never even asked how far along she was or how often they kept in touch because the details would only hurt worse. One thing I was sure of—they were keeping in touch. I knew it the same way I knew he was having an affair in the first place, the unexplained absences, the dodgy looks, the times he turned his back to send a text message. Only now I wasn’t trying to catch him. There was no point.
“You tell me.” He clicked his key fob and made his car chirp. “I never know your schedule.”
“I’ll be there.” I narrowed my eyes and tried to gauge where his comment was going. Lately, I’d resisted the urge to snap out a snarky response to everything he said, which was a victory in my book. A small one, but I’d take what I could get.
Colin slung his elbow over the top of his car and rested his forehead in his hand, his hair spiking between his fingers. “That didn’t go so well, did it?”
During the hour,
he’d tried to bring up negotiations about what kind of relationship I’d allow him to have with the baby. What was I supposed to say? It would be unthinkable to tell him to abandon his child, but with the child came the mother. There was no separating the two. How could I ever compete with a real family? I fished around for my keys so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “No, it didn’t. I guess there’s always next week. Or the week after that.” I unlocked my door and started to climb inside, but his words halted me.
“Do you want to go somewhere and talk? I mean, by ourselves.” He motioned to the gray office building. Dirt smudged the elbow of his dress shirt. “We don’t need all this to have a conversation.”
I begged to differ, but I wasn’t going to say so. “What do you have in mind?”
He gestured with his head. “Climb in.”
Would wonders never cease? Maybe my mother’s prayers were being answered after all.
Colin
There was no more tiptoeing around the ugly stuff, as today’s therapy session had proved. But there had to be a way to work with Marissa and get her to accept that he had new responsibilities. Kaitlyn still wasn’t accepting much help with groceries or anything else, but once the baby came she’d take time off and he would need to step up and fill in the gaps—monetary and otherwise. Since he didn’t get tenure and the pay raise that would’ve come with it, Marissa was going to have to be part of the budgeting decisions whether she wanted to or not.
Colin shuddered—and it wasn’t from the cool breeze blowing inside the window.
The first thing Marissa did when she climbed into his car was change the radio station. He bit his tongue in favor of peace since he needed her on his side. Colin pulled onto the road and headed out of town toward the mountains. If anything would soften his wife up, this was it.
Shadows of Hope Page 23