She faced him again, her expression so open and free it reminded him why he fell for her in the first place. “Who knows if they’ll ever get used to it? This is happening whether they want it to or not. What matters right now is us figuring out what to do.”
“I’m glad we’re starting to see things the same way.”
“I need to know how our baby is going to fit into your life.” Her pleading expression nearly undid him, but he didn’t have solid answers for her. Not yet. The counseling he and Marissa were going through just didn’t work that fast.
“I told you I’d figure that out. Please don’t ask any more about my situation. I just can’t go there.”
“I mean, I know nothing about you. Do you have kids?”
Her question gutted him. Colin swallowed hard. “Kids—no.”
“Just one child, then?”
Old wounds revisited. He hated the question because there was no good way to answer. He was supposed to have a child, but to say he didn’t felt like a betrayal, that because it didn’t make it to full term it hadn’t existed at all. He breathed in the pine-scented air and looked away. “I can’t talk about my family. Just … don’t go there. Please.”
“That’s fine. I get it—I don’t really want to get personal either. Which means you stay out of my cupboards.” Kaitlyn’s light tone showed just how in tune she was with him. He liked that about her.
“Deal.” He reached out and clasped her hand in a way that was more than businesslike, less than familiar.
“By the way,” she said as she rubbed her stomach. “We’re having a girl.”
CHAPTER 37
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn pressed her hand over her swelling stomach. “I feel the baby.”
Christina closed the filing cabinet and beamed. “It’s about time. Aren’t you almost six months along?”
“Twenty-two weeks. I’ve felt her before but not this strong.” Kaitlyn leaned back and allowed her belly to protrude while she closed her eyes and concentrated on the sensation. Move again, Little Nugget. “I love feeling her wiggle.”
“I’m so jealous.” Christina’s wistful tone caused Kaitlyn to smile. Her friend plopped onto the empty sofa across from the desk. Only a few clients had come in for afternoon appointments, leaving the girls plenty of time to visit. “I can’t wait until I find the right man and get married. The first thing I’m going to do is have a baby. I actually miss being pregnant.”
“You miss being hot all the time, hungry, sleepy? Hemorrhoids?” Kaitlyn emphasized the last word for effect. “There are some things no one warns you about.”
Christina offered a faint laugh, and her eyes took on a faraway look. “That’s about the time I started the pregnancy waddle. But yeah, I miss it. I miss my baby so much I ache inside, but I know I did the right thing.”
“I thought you had an open adoption. Can’t you see him?”
“It’s complicated.”
Kaitlyn wished she hadn’t asked. The more she asked of someone else’s private life, the more likely they were to ask about hers. Until Colin was ready to go public, as he’d eventually need to, she had to keep quiet. The secrecy was slowly killing her, but she’d made a promise.
She sat in the swivel chair and jiggled the mouse to wake up the computer. “I totally understand complicated—say no more.”
Complicated didn’t begin to describe what she was going through, especially with Sydney not coming back for school. Her mom and grandmother needed her help at home, thirty minutes away in Mountainside.
Then there were Colin’s stupid visits that muddled her up more than she wanted to admit. The way he touched her hair and spoke gently to her, the way he made himself at home by looking into her cupboards—he was the old Colin. The one who loved spending time with her and made her feel beautiful and cared for. But the way he left money in the refrigerator where she’d find it later made her feel cheap, reminding her that he belonged to someone else who apparently didn’t want to let him go. Someone he didn’t want to let go of. Not that she wanted to be with him even if he did.
Now they’d be in each other’s lives forever—or at least for the next eighteen years. Of course, since coming to work at New Heights, she’d heard stories of fathers who were one hundred percent involved up until the baby was born and actually needed feeding, care, and someone to provide for basic needs. That seemed to be a good time for a father not bound by marriage to conveniently disappear. She’d even heard stories of married couples and fathers who split shortly after the birth when late-night feedings replaced late-night parties, when a mother’s attention shifted to her little baby instead of her big one. Thankfully New Heights was here for all of them.
“Christina, you wouldn’t happen to be looking for a roommate, would you?” Kaitlyn doubted it, but she had to try.
“No. What happened to yours?”
“She’s not coming back to school. Some kind of family issues.” The sound of her roommate’s voice when she’d called saddened her. She’d been looking forward to her friend’s return, and not just for the rent money. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed the emotional support.
“That stinks. I know how hard it is to find a good roommate in this town. It took me months, plus I went through a few fuddy-duds. But I’ll keep my ears open.”
Marissa and Tristan bustled inside the front door, laughing and joking. She held up a bag and motioned for the girls to join them in the kitchen. “I picked up fresh bread and treats from the bakery. Come get some.”
Kaitlyn smiled, eager to share her baby’s movement, but she caught herself just in time. There was no need to bring up something that would be hurtful to Marissa, now that she knew about her friend’s private struggles. She pushed away from the desk and followed Marissa and Tristan into the kitchen. “Smells delicious. I love sourdough.”
Christina joined them and peeked inside the bag. “Muffins too? You spoil us.”
“It’s our pleasure.” Tristan opened the refrigerator and pulled out the butter. “Plus we like to eat too.” He nudged Marissa.
“I eat plenty.” Her eyes widened as if to silently shush him.
Kaitlyn’s heart yearned for someone she could care for openly the way Marissa and Tristan did. Maybe someday. There had to be a man out there whom she could love, who would in turn love her and her daughter, despite her messy situation.
She washed her hands before grabbing a slice from the steaming loaf. “Let’s dig in. I’m starving.”
“Guess what?” Christina said, mouth full of bread. “Kaitlyn felt the baby move.”
Kaitlyn paused her bite and gauged Marissa’s reaction.
Marissa eased into a smile and her eyes twinkled. “That’s great news. Pretty soon we’ll be able to feel the baby move too. Then you’ll have to watch out for all of us reaching out to pat your tummy.”
Kaitlyn savored the warm buttered bread and swallowed. She loved the way Marissa was happy for her, despite her own pain. Despite the pain she endured every day as woman after woman came through New Heights struggling to deal with the one thing Marissa couldn’t have. Kaitlyn shook her head, awed. “As long as it’s just you guys touching my stomach and not random strangers.”
“You’ll probably get plenty of those too.” Tristan winked before strolling out of the kitchen with a muffin in hand.
“Are you coming to Zumba tonight?” Kaitlyn asked after polishing off another bite.
“You know,” Marissa said as she sat at the table, “that class is strangely addicting. I didn’t think I’d like it, but it’s kind of fun, and I feel great when it’s over.”
Kaitlyn pointed her hunk of bread toward Marissa while speaking to Christina. “You should see her. This woman has some moves.”
Christina perked up. “I should come check it out too.”
“You should. I could give you a guest pass for the first class.” Kaitlyn swallowed her buttery bite. “We’d have fun together.”
Marissa offered a cr
umb-filled grin. “We would! And when it’s over you feel like you could conquer the world—or at least make it through tomorrow.”
Joy bloomed inside Kaitlyn. For all that Marissa had done for her, she was grateful to have found a way to pick up her friend’s spirits too. Despite the difference in their ages, they’d formed a solid friendship, and Kaitlyn had confidence that one day they’d get past the secrecy and have a deeper bond.
As she watched her two new friends, and even considered Tristan in the next room, she realized she wasn’t alone. Just because her parents had shut her out, her closest friend had moved, and Colin couldn’t be a daily part of her life, she still had people who cared.
Perhaps God wasn’t so angry with her after all.
Colin
The chipper student worker leaned inside the open door. “Dr. Crank wants to see you in his office.”
Anticipation churned inside Colin’s gut. This was it. The moment he’d been waiting for during his entire professional career. The college had been buzzing about the coming announcements all morning. He wiped his hands on his slacks and pushed back from the desk. “I’ll be right there.”
The girl nodded and retreated to the outer office.
Colin grabbed his sport coat off the rack and steeled himself for the good news. This had to be it. School was about to start, so the timeline would be cutting it close. Though Colin had already told his teaching assistant that he’d soon take on additional duties, they’d need an official meeting to transfer more of the load so Colin could make more time for his research.
His brain churned with myriad to-do lists vying for his attention. It would take time away from Marissa, but she would understand. This would benefit them in the long run, not to mention his daughter.
Daughter. The word rang in his mind, eliciting a sense of awe and responsibility. He’d do whatever it took to provide a good life for her—the best education, dance classes, pretty clothes. This promotion was the first step toward security for everyone in his life.
Colin knuckle-tapped Dr. Crank’s open door. “You asked to see me?”
“Right, yes. Have a seat.” The older man scratched the tuft of white hair on top of his head.
Colin closed the door and moved a stack of science journals from the chair to the overburdened credenza. He forced himself to sit still and look Dr. Crank in the eye.
“I’ll come right to the point.”
It’s about time. Colin nodded and remained silent.
Dr. Crank rubbed the bridge of his bulbous nose. “Things didn’t quite go as I’d hoped. When I put forward your name to the committee, there was a favorable response, but as you know there are several qualified people on our staff. That’s fortunate for us and our students, but not such good timing for you.”
“Wait a second. Are you saying that I’m not getting tenure?” The words tasted like poison, and he could only hope he was hearing wrong. That there was an addendum to the story that gave him a happy ending.
“That’s precisely what I’m saying.” Dr. Crank met Colin’s gaze with a strange mixture of sternness and empathy.
Cotton filled Colin’s mouth as he tried to formulate his words, words that would cause Dr. Crank to go back and fight for his position. “What about my research? I’m so close to a breakthrough, and I really needed the extra time in the lab that tenure would’ve made possible.”
“I’m sorry, but the committee decided to go a different direction.” Dr. Crank slid his glasses on and peered down at his notes. “You’ll be receiving a formal letter, but I wanted you to hear it from me first. I only regret that we didn’t get the decision announced sooner so that everyone could adjust their plans accordingly, but you know how these things go.”
Actually, he didn’t. But now wasn’t the time for details. He didn’t know exactly what it was a time for, considering that he’d banked everything on making tenure. He’d poured his life into his research and this institution, and still come up short. It didn’t add up.
“I … I don’t know what to say.” Colin’s throat constricted in a way it hadn’t since he was a child being reprimanded with his nose stuck in the corner. Which was exactly what losing his shot at tenure felt like now.
“You don’t have to say anything. Just know that I appreciate the work you do here, and I want you to continue with it. You still have all your classes to teach, and once you finish your research and get a few more publishing credits, I’m sure your elevation in this institution can be revisited. In the meantime, keep up the good work.” Dr. Crank turned to his computer and began to type, effectively dismissing Colin.
He rose on legs still shaky with adrenaline and left the office, dejected. It was one thing to feel the sting of rejection and entirely another to realize how much his failure was going to cost his baby.
The question was, what could he do about it now?
CHAPTER 38
Marissa
Fat drops of rain splattered against the kitchen window as I sipped my tea and watched the sunset through the clouds. So many changes in our lives, so much uncertainty. Strangely enough, I was starting to make peace with the unknown. At least a little.
My gut clenched when I heard the car door slam. Colin and I had been carefully coexisting, both desperate to hear from one another while at the same time preferring the comfort of silence. At least I hoped he wanted to connect with me since he was the one who offhandedly suggested counseling. The first few sessions hadn’t gone well, but I was determined to go back. Determined to fix our lives.
I went to the living room to greet Colin, who grunted in my general direction without making eye contact. He slung his shoulder bag on the table in the entry and faced away from me. His dress shirt was soaked, revealing the muscles across the expanse of his back. Had he been working out more? Or just taking better care of himself since he’d found someone new?
“How was your day?” I twined my fingers like a nervous schoolgirl, waiting for him to acknowledge me with even the smallest look.
“Fine.” His standard answer when his day was anything but. Finally, he gave up and turned around and brushed past me.
“We have a few more clients at New Heights, so I call that a good day.” My words were more to jump-start a conversation than to tell him what happened with me. I already knew he wasn’t the least bit interested in New Heights.
“Mmm.” Colin bounded up the stairs two at a time, avoiding me like one of the toxins he occasionally droned on about.
Thunder rumbled outside, and the hair on my arms prickled.
What was causing his agitation? Even in our darkest moments, he rarely ignored me completely. The new behavior stirred up the anxiety I worked so hard every day to snuff out.
I followed him up the stairs to our room where he was changing in the closet. He hadn’t yet moved his clothes out even though we no longer slept together, but the fact that he hid himself was another sign of how our relationship had changed.
“You’re awfully quiet.” I stood in the doorway with my arms folded. There was no way I was letting him leave the room without some kind of response.
He leaned out of the closet, his eyes hard and icy. “Usually that means that someone doesn’t want to talk.”
I held up my hands. “So sorry that I’m trying to have a conversation with my husband when he comes home from work … unless that’s not where you’ve been.”
Colin’s cheeks reddened until he looked ready to combust. His mouth puckered, a white ring forming around his lips. “I don’t appreciate your insinuation.”
Yet he didn’t deny its truth.
I ground my teeth to hold back regrettable words. There was nothing truthful I could say that wouldn’t ignite an emotional brush fire.
He pulled a gray shirt over his head, tousling his hair. “Are you trying to get me to give up on our marriage?”
“Haven’t you already?”
Colin picked a hairbrush up from the dresser and hurled it against the wall.
I jumped back, though the brush wasn’t anywhere close to me. My stoic, methodical husband was finally angry, showing a rare display of emotion. Inexplicably, it soothed me. I uncrossed my arms. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”
Colin deflated onto the bed and scrubbed his face. Protracted moments passed before he looked up at me, eyes swollen with fatigue and a hint of regret, and spoke. “I know this is all my fault. I know I brought this all on myself. But do you have any idea what I’m going through? How hard this is for me?”
His words branded my conscience. In truth, I hadn’t considered his feelings, believing that whatever repercussions he suffered were his just punishment. But his sorrowful expression softened me, taking me back to a time when he was in grad school and lost the coveted TA position to a kid who had stage fright in front of the class but was somehow still believed to be God’s gift to teaching.
The bed depressed when I sat next to him, hands folded in my lap. I missed being beside my husband in bed, and I missed having someone at least pretend to connect with me at the end of the day. Most of all I missed the comfort of knowing that no matter how life was smacking me around, I wasn’t in it alone.
“I’m trying my best.” His body trembled next to mine. “You have no idea how hard I am working to put things back together.”
“I am too.”
“Are you?” Colin faced me, his eyes searching mine for truth. “Because it sure doesn’t feel like it. You’re determined to make this as hard on me as possible. You don’t speak to me for days and then you pour your guts out to a stranger—”
“She’s our therapist.”
“We wouldn’t need one if you would just talk to me and work it out.”
Ire simmered inside me. That he had the gall to lay any blame at my feet was unconscionable. “Well, we’re talking now.” The sarcasm burned my tongue, and regret soon followed. How would our marriage ever get back to anything resembling normal if I continued to shut him out? And yet, shutting him out was the only way I could remain sane, since resentment mushroomed inside me every time we spoke. No matter how hard I prayed or what I did, I couldn’t get past the anger.
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