by LP Lovell
I turn to him and eye him up and down, toying with him. “No.” I reply. He has no come back for that, unlike a certain cocky millionaire I know. Just like that images burst through my mind. It’s as though I can remember every cocky smile, every exchanged word and every touch. It feels like someone is punching me in the chest every time. I always assumed heartbreak was a figure of speech, but no, it actually hurts.
“You okay?” George’s voice is soft as he eyes me warily.
I nod. I notice TDH has left, clearly perturbed by my blunt disinterest. I like men who fight for my attention, who are willing to try hard to get in my pants, not pussies. The problem is this, no-one will ever try as hard as he did. No-one will fight for my attention like he did. No-one can match up to him. Will I forever be cursed to this? Fuck that. I’m not that girl that pines after some bloke, I never have been, hence my aversion to the whole thing in the first place. Oh, god this is a head fuck. I need another drink. I pick up another shot and down the disgusting liquid. Shit, that really is vile.
“Let’s find somewhere to go dance, babe.” George grins as he takes my hand and pulls me from the bar stool. I stumble slightly as I step down. He raises his eyebrows at me.
“I haven’t drunk properly for weeks and your throwing bloody absinthe down my throat.” I swat at him. He just grins.
We leave Aloha and walk out into the busy hustle and bustle of a Friday night in Soho. It’s noisy as a group of drunk girls walk past us singing, smiles plastered all over their faces. Alcohol. It’s such a wonderful thing, I think to myself as I wonder down the street in an overly bright mood.
“In here.” He pulls me into a club. I don’t know which one, but loud bass thudding music echoes from inside. The bass vibrates my frame and makes me itch to move to it.
We don’t buy drinks, I’m already wasted. We just dance. George is on form as he busts out all his best moves. He spins me, and manoeuvres me around the dance floor. Normally George would be on the search for some cock, but he stays with me. He grabs my hips and grinds into me. Any onlookers would think we were about to go home and get it on. The thought makes me giggle. A guy behind me catches me as George spins me a little too violently for my inebriated state.
“Easy.” He says. He’s attractive, but I’m almost repulsed by his touch on my arm. So much so that it scares me. What the hell? I straighten myself and turn away from him.
George catches my eye, a frown crossing his features. He makes a motion like he’s drinking and I nod. I make my way over to a small booth of seats. George goes to get a drink, leaving me alone. As I look around the club, I note the white walls, the blue up-lighting, the barely clothed dancers…familiarity strikes me and I realise where we are. We’re in Allure, the club Hugo owns, the club where I first kissed Theo. I rub at my chest as the memory surfaces. He’s like the thorn in my side that I can’t seem to remove.
“Lilly?” A soft voice draws me from my memories. I look up to see Cruise standing across from me. I’m not so hung up on Theo that my pulse doesn’t race a little in his presence. He’s always been gorgeous, but he seems to have filled out even more. His t-shirt seems a size too small as his chest and arms strain against the material. Cruise and I used to have a thing…well, sex. He’s the type of guy that knows how to show a girl a good time. Really fucking good.
“Hey Cruise.” I manage a small smile.
He slides into the booth, sitting next to me. His blonde hair is an absolute mess as is always the case with him. “How’ve ya been chick? I haven’t seen you in a while.” He says in that sexy Australian accent.
I smile at what is a small slice of familiarity, a small part of my life before Theo. It feels as if I can’t remember what that is sometimes. “Yeah okay, standard. Just been busy.” I reply casually.
He grins that easy lop sided smile of his. “Well you look just as good as ever.” His eyes flick down my body and I flush a little.
“You too. You filled out even more.” I smile and playfully squeeze his bicep. This I can do. Flirting I can do.
He smiles that poster boy California beach smile. “Ya look kinda bored. You wanna get outta here?” Do I want to get out of here, with Cruise?
I’m drunk, and Cruise looks good right now, so I shrug. “Sure, let me just find…”
“Cruise.” George appears right on cue with a massive smile on his face. “Oh, have you been working out?” He eyes cruises frame appreciatively. Cruise just laughs.
“Hey mate. How are ya?” Ugh, that voice with that Aussie drawl could drive a girl crazy, or indeed a guy as proved by George’s swooning state.
“Better for seeing you.” George grins again.
I laugh. “Behave yourself you slut.”
“A guy can dream Lill’s.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m going to call it a night babe. You coming?” He pouts as I stand, but quickly smiles when he see’s Cruise stand with me.
“Oh. No I’m good.” He winks at me. “Have fun. Who’s the slut now?” He smacks my bum and walks away with a grin, no doubt to find a play thing for the night.
Cruise offers to get my jacket and I decide to wait outside the club. My head is spinning from all the absinthe and my skin is clammy from the heat inside the packed club. Tomorrow morning is not going to be pretty. I’m watching people walk by, looking at nothing in particular when I hear the high pitched shriek of an engine gunning it down the road. I turn in time to see a bright orange Lamborghini fly around the corner onto the busy street. People jump out of the way as the noisy car guns it down the road with no regard for anyone. The car screeches to a halt right outside Allure. The door opens and I’m greeted with the cocky smile of none other than Hugo. Figures. He throws his keys to one of the bouncers as he reaches the doors. I watch him eye the crowd, a couple of women waving at him as they bat their eyelashes at him. He swings his gaze around and looks straight at me, or rather my chest. A grin slowly spreads across his face, until his eyes finally meet my face. He at least has the decency to look sheepish…for all of one second.
“Lilly.” He takes my hand and bends to kiss it. “How are you lovely?” He asks.
“Great. “ I answer a little too enthusiastically. “You?”
He raises an eyebrow. “I’m always good. Are you uh…you alone?” He probes.
I smile flirtatiously. Oh god, I am definitely on the drunk side of tipsy. “Are you trying to come onto me Hugo?”
He grins. “Lilly.” He draws out my name as his eyes roam my body without apology. Weirdly it doesn’t bother me, it’s just Hugo. “I always get wood around you sweetness.” He winks. I snort. “But alas, Theo is my best friend, even I have limits.” I frown as thoughts of Theo fill my mind. He smiles sympathetically.
“Not to mention the fact that you probably kicked my best friend out of bed only a few hours ago.” I say. He grins and shrugs. The guy has absolutely no shame. “How is he?” I blurt. I don’t know why the hell I ask. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I’m drunk and talking to his best friend, so I ask.
He smirks. “You could just ask him the next time he comes crawling after you like a kicked puppy.”
I have no response for that. “I…”
He holds a hand up. “Sweetheart you don’t have to explain to me. That is some heavy shit he’s got going on. To answer your question, he’s been better.” I swallow hard, I don’t know whether that makes me feel better or worse. I want him to feel as bad as I do. He did this, not me. “You got him good gorgeous.” He shrugs. “All I’m going to say is relationships are a shit storm waiting to happen. Casual pussy, that’s where it’s at.” He says as he eyes the arse of a girl walking past. He bites his bottom lip as he watches. “Damn.” He shakes his head. I roll my eyes. How Molly is still sleeping with that I do not know. Don’t get me wrong, I like Hugo. He’s funny, and I actually think he’s a decent guy. But I also think he is an actual sex addict and an all-out STD infested dog. “If you could do me a favour and at least fuck him though that would be gre
at.” He says it like it’s a totally reasonable request.
“Um, no thanks.”
He rolls his eyes. “Oh come on. He’s a miserable fucker because he’s not getting any. There’s only so much of his hormonal shit I can take you know.” He sighs. Theo’s not sleeping with anyone? What the hell? “And don’t tell me you don’t want to fuck him, everyone wants to fuck him. Hell I almost want to fuck him he’s such a good looking prick.”
I smile. I can’t help it with Hugo. There’s something about him, he has this lack of any kind of adherence to…well anything; that just makes him so freeing to be around. “Get one of your ho’s to do it.” I say casually, but the thought makes me want to throw up.
He smiles like he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Don’t you think I haven’t tried?” I’ve thrown everything at the miserable prick, blondes, brunettes, hell even red heads.” He pauses. “Although, it turns out it’s actually quite hard to find a hot red head. Who knew? You’re a rare breed.” He purrs at me. “Only you’ll do. Like I said, you got him good.” He says matter-of-factly.
What the hell do I say to that? I don’t want to picture the harem of women that have no doubt been dripping all over Theo for the last few weeks. “Um, that as may be, but as you know we broke up. That means no sex.”
He smirks at me and cocks an eyebrow. “None?”
“None.” He just laughs and shakes his head as though the entire notion is ridiculous. Hugo probably thinks the two words no and sex together are offensive.
Hugo’s eyes move over my shoulder just as Cruise comes up behind me. “Here’s your jacket.” He hands me my black blazer which I put on. Hugo narrows his eyes at Cruise.
“Oh, Cruise this is Hugo, he owns Allure.” Cruises eyebrows shoot up and Hugo smiles smugly. “Hugo, Cruise.” They shake hands tentatively.
Hugo watches me carefully. “How do you two know each other?” He muses, his eyes never leave mine. I say nothing.
“We’ve been friends for a while.” Cruise says casually.
“I see. Well why don’t you guys come back in? You can have VIP entry.” He smiles that infectious Hugo grin, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Thanks but we’re just heading off.” I drop my eyes to the ground. Part of me really hopes this gets back to Theo, that’s the part that’s still hurt and jealous and spiteful. It’s not enough to tell him we’re done, I want him to bleed right along with me. The other part of me feels cheap and nasty, even though I haven’t done anything accept walk out of the club with Cruise. That part cares what Theo thinks, because I still love him. That part hopes that Hugo keeps his mouth shut.
“Well then I bid you good night.” He says, his lips pressing together in silent judgement. He can’t talk, he’s fucking my best friend along with half the bloody city.
“Bye Hugo.” I say as I turn away from him and head down the street.
Cruise casually pulls on his leather jacket and throws an arm around my shoulder as he walks me barely a hundred yards down the street. His big body close to mine is both comforting and unsettling. He stops next to a motorcycle parked on the side of the road, and lifts up the seat, handing me a helmet. I grin. Harry used to have a motorcycle, but he never let me ride it. He said it was too dangerous. Right now a shot of adrenaline is just what I need. This is the kind of motorcycle that screams badass with its black shiny paint and chrome exhausts.
He puts his helmet on and flips the tinted visor down before swinging his leg over the bike. Yeah, he looks like a total bad boy right now, and god, am I a sucker for a bad boy.
I swing my leg over the bike. My high heels rest on the metal pegs. He grabs my arms and pulls them around his waist. His leather jacket is open, and I can’t help but feel the rock hard ridges of muscle under my fingers through his t-shirt. I’ve seen Cruise naked, fucked him seven ways to Sunday, and yet this feels a little too intimate right now. He revs the engine and the bike moves away. We ride back past Allure and I catch Hugo, still stood outside the club. I can practically feel his eyes burning a hole in my back. I try and leave some space between me and Cruise, but the motion of the bike combined with too much alcohol is making me a little unstable, make that very unstable. I end up with my chest pressed to his back and my thighs tight against his. I do manage to keep my crotch away from his arse.
The bike crawls to a stop right outside my flat. I know why we’re here, the same reason we’re usually here. Cruise won’t know that in the few months since I last saw him I’ve had my heart ripped to shreds. He’s not to know that I don’t actually want to sleep with him, but at the same time I just want something from before. Maybe I do want to sleep with him. He’s definitely hot. I’ll give it to myself, I’ve always had impeccable taste in men. I laugh at that, remembering the conversation George and I had about just that.
“What’s so funny?” He smiles easily at me as he takes my helmet from me. I’m still straddling the bike as he stands beside me, his tall frame towering over me.
I grin. “I was just mentally commending myself on my taste in men.” I eye the length of his body and he laughs.
“You do have very good taste.” He shrugs. He watches me intently. “You look seriously hot straddling that bike Lilly.” He bites his lip and shakes his head a little. “All I can picture right now is bending you over it.” I blush a little. Seriously? The way he’s looking at me makes me hot, but it also makes me a little uneasy. Jesus, what is wrong with me? One minute I’m all go, and the next my bloody conscience kicks in. Wait, since when did I have a conscience?! Ugh.
“I need another drink.” I announce. “Do you want to join me?”
“Sure.” He smiles easily as he follows me into the flat.
The lights are all off. I guess Molly’s out. Cruise follows me to the kitchen. I turn and look at him as he leans one hip against the breakfast bar. His blue eyes follow me. Blue, but not blue enough I think to myself. I want to sleep with Cruise. My mind is over thinking it, and is slightly repulsed, but my wounded heart says I should find some small solace in that hot body. There’s that part of me that feels broken and powerless. I feel as though I’m not in control of my own emotions. I crave that control. Cruise has always let me control him, use him, fuck him. This is what I need, I’m going to fuck Cruise. If I have to drink some more to get rid of my suddenly existent conscience then so be it. I grab the bottle of vodka we keep in the freezer.
“Straight up?” I ask.
“Always.” He smiles. “I’ve still never met another chick who drinks straight vodka like a boss.” Cruise and I have spent many nights drinking straight vodka prior to fucking. Hell, once he just fucked me against the freezer. Those were the good times, uncomplicated sex. He would leave straight afterwards and I wouldn’t hear from him again. He’d just wait on my call, or I’d bump into him in a club and drag him home. No emotions involved. It was beautifully painless.
I shrug. “I’m not your average chick.” I say. By that I mean that I’ve been drinking straight vodka since I was fourteen, when I worked out that alcohol has this magical power to make you completely numb. More importantly it makes you forget. Vodka and I have had a difficult relationship over the years. It offers the promise of lost memories and temporary happiness, but it also offers me the possibility of becoming my mother. I’d sooner jump off the nearest bridge. Like I said; a difficult and tentative relationship.
Throughout this entire shit with Theo I’ve managed to avoid turning to my old friend, but this situation calls for it. The numbness is like a familiar comforting blanket. It ebbs away my pain, and soothes the cluster-fuck that is my mind. I find myself wondering why the fuck I didn’t just hit the bottle sooner.
I pour out two short glasses of the chilled liquid and hand one to Cruise. I down my glass and quickly pour another.
“Damn girl.” He lets out a whistle. “That bad?”
I shrug one shoulder. “It’s been a rough couple of weeks.”
Cruise and I sit on the sofa, nursing vod
ka. Half an hour later I’ve made it through almost half a bottle and I’m trashed. Cruise stopped after only a couple of glasses saying he has to drive. It makes me smile that he knows he won’t be allowed to stay here. Familiar. Safe.
“So, what do you do when you’re not fucking me Cruise?” I slur.
He smiles. “Wow, this is deep for you. I had to fuck you three times before you’d even tell me your name.”
I laugh. “That is true. I’m curious though.”
“I make guitars by day, and I’m in a band by night.”
“Hmm. Well you are good with your hands.” I raise an eyebrow at him. Yep, drunk slutty Lilly has come out to play, and Cruise is in her sights. “I knew you were a bad boy. Is it a rock band?” I run one finger down his chest and over the one, two three bumps of his abs. I can practically hear my vagina purring from here. Damn, down girl.
“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any better.” Oh god, my head is spinning. I’m at that point where it’s like watching yourself, but you’re not really there. Cruise puts his hands on my waist and suddenly I’m straddling him on the sofa. His face is just inches from mine, and his breath caresses my lips. I feel the familiar feeling of my body becoming numb, and not just alcohol induced numb. It’s the feeling I get from meaningless sex. I switch off and I feel nothing whilst he’s touching me. It’s just pure animal instinct. Just an act of pleasure. There’s no emotion attached to it, and I love that. I cling to it. If I’m honest, I turn to sex in the same way that I turn to alcohol, so that I don’t feel anything. It’s purely physical. I crave it, I need it. If it’s really bad, then I double them up, alcohol and sex are like drugs to me. Dangerous.
I brush my lips against his and revel in his shallow breaths. I need this right now, I need the emotional void just as much as I need the power. Everything shuts down as he kisses me. I feel nothing, and it’s a blissful relief.
My hands slide under his t-shirt, pulling it up his body and over his head. He’s built like a rugby player, big and broad. His muscles tense under my fingers and I smile against his lips. I love having an effect over men. I love to make them powerless to me. It’s not hard given that men are simple creatures, but it’s a strange kind of rush all the same.