by LP Lovell
I run my hands into his blonde hair and pull his lips back to mine. He groans as my tongue finds his. Right now…I. Own. Him. Power…secretly we all want it.
His hands rest on my thighs. He’s been here before and knows not to touch me too much. I undo his belt and unzip his jeans, I tease my finger along the elastic of his boxers and drag my nails over his firm stomach, the chiselled abs tensing and flexing erotically. His breath quickens and his fingers move under the hem of my top, pulling it over my head in one quick movement. My head is spinning, my mind blank.
He suddenly flips me over so I’m on my back on the sofa. His weight presses down on me as his lips work over my neck frantically. His fingers find the button on my jeans, before ripping them down my legs. He traces the skin along the hem of my knickers with his broad fingers. His lips meet mine, and he kisses me hard. It’s a dominant kiss, possessive. I don’t want to be possessed by him. I need control. As his tongue traces my lip I start to lose a grip on the numbness. My conscience kicks in like a light switch, and suddenly this feels wrong. I don’t feel like I’m using him, I feel used. I’ve done this so many times with Cruise, and never felt used. So why now? The need I felt only moments ago is immediately doused, the fear of being used is enough to kill my libido instantly.
I rip my mouth away from his. “Stop!” I gasp.
He pulls back and looks at me, a frown marring his features. “What?”
“I…I can’t do this right now.” I push up against him and he obliges by rolling away from me. I stand and stalk away from the sofa, needing some space. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what is this shit? This is supposed to be simple, no strings attached sex, same as always. Why do I suddenly feel cheap and dirty?
“Are you okay?” He asks tentatively.
I nod. “I’m fine. I just…have some shit going on at the moment.” I don’t know why I just told him that.
He’s quiet for a moment. “That guy you were seeing?” Great, he must have seen the papers. He does know about Theo. Brilliant.
I just nod. “Look, I’ll go.” He sounds embarrassed.
“I’m sorry.” I say, not looking at him.
“It’s fine.” He says in that easy drawl. “Another time maybe.”
When I turn around his shirt is back on. He steps toward me and bends to place a peck on my cheek. “I’ll see you soon chick. You have my number, you know where I am if you want me.” He offers me that perfect surfer boy smile.
I smile. “Thanks Cruise.” That could have gone so badly, luckily Cruise is pretty laid back. Hell, he even offered to be on standby. Why couldn’t I have fallen for a guy like that? Because a guy like that is happy to fuck me. Theo isn’t happy to just fuck me. He wants to possess me with everything he has. He wants my body, my soul and my heart.
I let Cruise out. When I shut the door I slide to the floor, the wall cool against my bare back. Before Theo no-one had ever valued me for anything more than my body and a good time. I didn’t let them see me as anything more. I didn’t want anyone looking to closely. Then Theo bulldozed his way into my life. He valued me for my body, no doubt about it, but he also wanted me for me, he’s the only one who tried hard enough to get to know me. He loved me. I don’t expect that from Cruise, or anyone for that matter, but I guess Theo has forced me to expect that respect for myself. Like I said, Theo has changed me and I can’t move on. I can’t go forward and I can’t go back. This is such a fucking mess. I crawl over to the coffee table and pick up the half bottle of vodka. If I can’t fuck Theo out of my mind, then I’ll just drink him out. Spoken with the logic of a true drunk.
I startle awake to a loud banging. Oh god, I must have passed out. I’m sprawled on the sofa, vodka bottle still in hand…un-spilt I might add. Bang, bang, bang. It takes me a moment to realise the sound is in fact the front door.
I groan as I drag my very drunk arse off the sofa. Bang, bang, bang. “I’m coming.” I shout. I put my vodka down before I stagger towards the door. Holy shit, I’m wasted.
“Take your fucking key George.” I slur as I swing the door open. Oh fuck. Not George.
Theo stands with his forearms braced against the door frame and a face like thunder. He looks good, really good. He’s wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up, exposing muscled forearms. His faded jeans fit him just so, and his hair is messy in that seriously sexy way. I want to hate him, but not as much as I want to fuck him. My libido has come back with a vengeance at the sight of him. I swear he could have a woman on her back with just a smile, mind you, that was never the problem. I should close the door now. I should tell him to fuck off. I blame my dear friend vodka here. Had I been sober he would have been well and truly chewed out by now. Had I been drunk, he would definitely have been sent packing, but I’m not drunk, I’m absolutely trashed. I bite my lip trying to control my raging hormones.
His eyes flick down my body, and I don’t miss the desire that burns behind them. “Lilly.” He growls. Ugh, I love it when he says my name like that. It makes me think of rough sex, of being bent over pool tables and pressed against walls. Yeah, I’d go for some of that right now. I know I should feel a hundred negative emotions at this moment, but in my disgustingly drunk state all I feel is seriously fucking turned on. As has always been the case when it comes to Theodore Ellis; I’m in deep shit.
“Theo.” I say, slightly breathless.
He steps close to me until his body is pressed to mine. My skin seems to catch fire. He keeps walking, forcing me to take a step back whilst his body presses overwhelms me. He then closes the door behind him, and without even realising it, I’ve let him in. I should not be letting him in.
Chapter Seven
Theo
Fuck me. The woman is trying to kill me I swear. I’m not sure why I’m here at two in the morning, but I had to come when Hugo told me what he’d seen. I’m not going to let someone just take what is mine, and she is mine whether she knows it or not. The thought of another guy touching her is enough to make me positively murderous.
Now she’s stood here wearing black lace underwear, including a bra that barely contains her tits. She could have opened the door to anyone. Fucking hell.
“You should leave.” She says, slurring slightly. Her eyes never leave my chest, refusing to meet my gaze.
“You shouldn’t answer the door, drunk and half naked in the early hours of the morning.” I snap. She glances down at her body as though alarmed by this realisation. Jesus, she really is wasted.
I watch as her face goes from defensive to attack mode, bristling at my tone. “Perhaps you shouldn’t be knocking on my door in the early hours of the morning. Are you stalking me… again?” She frowns as her body sways slightly. All I can see is her wasted drunk, in her underwear and some arsehole trying to take advantage. It makes me see red.
I spin her around and press her up against the closed door. I grab her wrists, capturing them in one hand and pinning them above her head. I drop my head to the crook of her neck, fuck, she smells incredible. My cock stirs, reacting to her, always her. I grit my teeth as anger and need course through my body. There’s a primal part of me that wants to take her right here, just to prove a point. She’s. Mine. She’s drunk though, and I won’t give her any more excuses to hate me. I will not fuck her. I will not fuck her, I repeat over and over. “Did you fuck him?” I growl.
Her eyes lock onto mine, fury blazing in their emerald depths. “Fuck you!” She struggles against me, fighting like a wild animal.
“Lilly.” I bite. I take a deep breath trying to rein in the rage that’s beating against me. “Did. You. Fuck. Him?” I swear, I’ve never felt this unhinged. God knows what I’ll do if she did fuck him. She’s turning me into a psycho. It seems that Lilly Parker is out to destroy me one way or the other.
“Why are you here?! She spits.
“I’m simply protecting what’s mine.” I say through gritted teeth.
“Yours!? Are you fucking serious? Why not just take a piss on me and be done with it!?”
She struggles again and I press my body against hers. Her breath quickens immediately and my cock aches at her closeness. “We are done Theo.” She tries to sound confident, but her voice is breathy. Her comment is almost laughable in her current situation. Her body gives her away as the flush of arousal tinges her skin beautifully. She tries to push against me, but I pin her against the wall harder. I can feel the heat of her body through my thin shirt. I groan as she struggles against me, brushing my cock. I thrust my pelvis against hers and she gasps. The anger in her eyes becomes laced with desire. She flicks her tongue across her lips, and I can’t pull my eyes from her mouth. I lean in until my lips are barely brushing hers. Her breathing becomes shallow as she trembles against me. I drop her wrists and grab her face in both hands, pressing my forehead against hers, I inhale her scent, feel the warmth of her small hands as they grip my wrists. She’s not trying to pull me away, more like holding me in place.
“Please, just tell me. Did you?” I beg her.
She hesitates for a moment, her heated eyes studying my face. If she fucked him then world war fucking three is about to go down. I’m aware that this is not stable behaviour. My reaction is irrational at best, but this is what she does to me. She makes me crazy.
The sexual tension between us is crippling, sucking all the air out of the room until all I can see is her. My pulse hammers in my veins. My cock throbs painfully, desperate to be in her.
“No.” She finally breathes against my lips. I close the small space between us and kiss her. I kiss her like a man starved. I kiss her as though the world starts and ends with her. Her fingers wind into my hair, gripping the roots, her control snapping. I nip at her lips as she thrusts her tongue into my mouth. She moans as I press my thigh between her legs.
“You are mine Lilly.” I breathe against her lips. She pulls me closer and continues her assault on my lips. Then everything happens so quickly. I kiss her neck, trailing my tongue across her pulse line. She moans and writhes, pressing her body closer to mine. I reach around her and snap her bra open, fuck I’ve missed her amazing tits. I take one nipple into my mouth, sucking hard as she pushes her chest into my face. I can’t control myself around her. I can’t stop, even though I know I should. She’s just so fucking perfect.
“Oh god.” She moans. I grasp her thighs and pick her up. Then she’s on the sofa underneath me, her thighs gripping my waist as my hands trail her body. Her fingers move over the buttons of my shirt, and she sinks her teeth into my pec. I hiss loudly as my cock jerks. Her movements are frantic as she unfastens my jeans. My cock is jumping for joy, literally, at the prospect of being inside her again. Something feels off though, she’s almost desperate.
“Lilly.” I manage to gasp out as her fingers reach my cock. Oh fuck. My mind short circuits. “I…”What was I trying to say? Shit. She feels so good. “Lilly look at me.” I manage to choke out. She doesn’t, so I lean on one elbow and grab her chin with my other hand. When she meets my gaze her eyes are flat, lifeless, devoid of any sort of emotion. “Sugar…” She leans in to kiss me, but I hold her still.
Her grip tightens on my cock and a small smile pulls at her lips. I groan involuntarily. “Don’t pretend you don’t want me.” She purrs. She’s not here with me. I could be anybody right now. This isn’t the woman I fell in love with, this is the master seductress just looking for a power kick.
“I…I do, but not like this.” I manage to pull away from her grip. “I’m not just some guy for you to fuck your troubles away with Lilly. Don’t check out on me.”
She shoves me away from her and sits up. She grabs her top and jeans and puts them on. “You know where the door is.”
“Lilly.” I stand up and zip my jeans back up.
“Just leave Theo.” She snaps.
“No. What the fuck is going on with you?” I ask.
She stands up and steps close to me, I can smell the vodka on her breath. “You want to know what the fuck is going on with me?” She glares. “You. You ruin everything. You’re poison. You couldn’t just leave me alone could you? You couldn’t even just fuck me and move on. Oh no, you had to screw me over.” She shoves against my chest hard.
“Lilly.” I grasp her wrists to stop her.
“And now, all I want to do is forget, but even that I can’t do.” I tear escapes down her cheek. “You ruin everything you touch, and you’ve ruined me, so just leave.”
“No.” I say quietly. I watch as the strong woman I know falls apart. I don’t know what to do or say. I did this to her. I stroke her face and wipe the stray tear from her cheek, but another quickly follows.
“Lilly.” I whisper.
She wrenches her wrist from my grasp and staggers away from me. “Seriously, do you enjoy this? Does it make you feel like a big man? Do you want to watch me break Theo?” She huffs a laugh. “Well you’re shit out of luck. I’m already broken.”
“You’re not broken Lilly.” I say firmly.
“Fuck you Theo. Just get out!” She yells.
“No, I am done with this shit! You push me away at every opportunity. I’m done letting you. You will fucking talk to me! I’m not going anywhere until you do. I’ve got all night.”
“Please just leave.” She begs. She folds her arms over her chest and looks away from me.
I fold my arms across my chest and lean against the arm of the sofa. “Not until you talk.”
Her furious eyes meet mine. “You want me talk!? Fine. You betrayed me, you got someone pregnant and I left. What part of that situation makes you think that I want anything to do with you?”
“You know I didn’t betray you. Yes, I might have gotten someone pregnant, and that’s a big if. Either way, this situation is just one small part of our story Lilly. It doesn’t have to define us. What we have is bigger than that.”
She laughs humourlessly. “Says the one who got caught with his dick wet. Don’t fucking insult me!”
“No, you do not get to throw that shit in my face! I fucked her before we were together, and if you hadn’t been so hung up on playing fucking games with me it never would have happened. I wanted you and you shut me down. I was in love with you and you walked away. I have always been loyal to you, even when you were just toying with me. You were the one who ran, not me.”
“Yes I ran. I ran away fucking screaming! I should have kept going!” She shouts. She sways slightly and drops back onto the sofa. “Fuck, I can’t do this.” She swipes at another stray tear on her cheek.
“Lilly, I love you.” I say with gritty determination. “You are everything to me.” She grabs the bottle of vodka from the coffee table and takes a swig, before turning to me with a fierce expression on her face.
“Fuck you, Theo, you don’t get to say that to me. It’s not fair.” Her voice breaks.
I move away from the sofa and drop to a crouch in front of her. “I know, but it’s the truth.” I watch her carefully as she tries to avoid eye contact. “You know if the situation were reversed, if you were the one who was pregnant with someone else, I’d stand by you.” It’s the truth, although don’t go thinking it’s out of some superior selfless morale. I would stand by her because I can’t live without her. She’s everything.
“Sure you would.” She says sarcastically. Her eyes flick to my face. I say nothing, just meet her probing gaze. Her expression softens as she seems to see the truth in my statement. “Then you’re a stronger person than me.” She whispers and looks away from me.
“No, I just love you more than anyone or anything. The way I feel about you can’t be put into words.” I reach out and brush my fingers down her cheek. “Explaining my love for you would be like trying to describe colours to a blind man.” I pour my heart out to her, just trying to make her see. “I would stand by you, because for me there is no other option. Only you. You’re the other half of me. You complete me.” She lets out a small broken sob and presses her hand to her mouth, trying to stifle the heart wrenching sound.
She leans forward and closes h
er eyes as she leans her forehead against mine. Her hands grip my shirt as though trying to keep me there. I hold her face, tracing her bottom lip with my thumb as a tear streaks down her cheek. I cling to this moment with her. “I hate you so much for this. I hate you because you took something perfect and you ruined it. I hate you because I love you. No matter how much I hate it, I do love you, so much, but it’s not enough. I can’t stand by you.” She says in a strangled gasp. How can something this right not be enough? She pulls away and shakes her head. I watch as she takes a moment and steels herself. She closes her eyes and takes a steady breath. When her eyes meet mine, they’re hard and unforgiving. “I’m sorry.”
Then there’s nothing more to say. Defeated, I stand and walk to the door. I take one last look at her tear stained face and wonder how two people can be so miserable apart, can pine for each other, and yet, she would rather be miserable than be with me.
As the door clicks shut behind me, resentment crawls over my skin. It’s not enough. I would give her the world if she asked for it, but it’s not enough. I love her in ways that scare the shit out of me. I want her more than my next breath. I would stand by her. I will always love her. It’s not enough. I’m not enough. She loves me, but not enough.
My heart feels like it’s ripped out and bleeding. Lilly Parker just managed to destroy me with three words.
I haven’t heard a peep out of Lilly since our conversation four days ago. She’s all. I Can. Think. Of!
My head is telling me to give up, to let her go and move on, but my heart, my fucked up, good for nothing heart can’t let her go. She’s it, if I let her go there will be no moving on, because she will always be it. Every woman I meet will forever be compared to her, and how can they possibly compare? They can’t.