Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  Ignatius lost his smirk. Razz continued with his reading.

  AMBER: Hi, Britney!

  BRITNEY: Hi, Amber!

  AMBER: Hey, Britney, you look so hot in that new micro bikini! But with all that yummy flesh showing, I think you better get some sunscreen on.

  BRITNEY: Sunscreen? No way! I’m working on my gorgeous golden tan. That’s what all the guys like.

  Bill, Ignatius, Scobie and I looked at each other. Razz beamed a grin around the table. ‘Pretty good eh? Just wait. It gets even better!’

  AMBER: Britney Parker, I know the guys will only like you if you look hot, but how can you look hot if you end up all dry and leathery and you have heaps of skin cancer?

  BRITNEY: Hey, I never thought of that! What should I do, Amber?

  AMBER: Do what I do, Britney. Always wear a hat, use a thirty-plus sunscreen, and don’t stay out in the sun for more than fifteen minutes. That way you’ll have beautiful skin like mine and the guys won’t be able to keep their hands off it.

  BRITNEY: You mean, if I wear a hat, use a thirty-plus sunscreen, and don’t stay out in the sun for more than fifteen minutes at a time, all the guys will want me?

  AMBER: That’s right. If you wear a hat, use a thirty-plus sunscreen, and don’t stay out in the sun for more than fifteen minutes at a time, you can have the pick of any guy you want.

  ‘Did you notice how I used a bit of repetition there to emphasise our sun safety message?’

  We all nodded.

  ‘Ingenious,’ Ignatius said.

  ‘Inspired,’ I added.

  ‘Subtle,’ Scobie concluded.

  ‘Cool!’ Razz said and grabbed up the script again.

  BRITNEY: Awesome, Amber! Well, what are you waiting for? Show me the sunscreen!

  AMBER: I’ve got the thirty-plus right here.

  BRITNEY: Great. Why don’t I lie down on this towel and undo my bikini top and you can rub some of that thirty-plus all over my back?

  AMBER: Cool!

  BRITNEY: Mmmmmmmmm, that feels so goooooood!

  AMBER: Feels good and it’s good for you!

  BRITNEY: When you’re done, I’ll do you!

  AMBER: Awesome!

  Just then a couple of guys walk past and whistle at Britney and Amber.

  AMBER: See, Britney? Just like I told you. Guys just love chicks who are sun safe.

  BRITNEY: Hey, you’re totally right, Amber! I guess I learnt a valuable sun safe lesson today, didn’t I?

  AMBER: What valuable sun safe lesson was that, Britney?

  BRITNEY: Well, I learnt that you don’t have to burn to be hot!

  Britney and Amber both laugh and start rubbing heaps of sunscreen on each other. Then they start wrestling. Fade. End.

  When he’d finished reading, Razz slapped the script on the table. ‘Apparently that’s supposed to be “offensive”. Can you believe it? How can that be offensive? There’s not a single swear word anywhere in it.’

  Razz glanced around at the four pairs of dazed eyes directed his way.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  At the end of the table Scobie cleared his throat. Then he closed his eyes and bowed his head.

  ‘Let us all now join hands and together offer up a silent prayer of support for Ms Heckenvaal in hope that it might sustain her in this time of great sorrow and in the torturous and trying months that must surely lie ahead.’

  ‘Amen,’ Bill and Ignatius and I answered together.

  ‘What?’ Razz asked again looking around bewildered. ‘No, guys, seriously, what?’

  12.

  BILL AND RAZZ’S EXCELLENT SUN SAFE ADVENTURE

  A couple of weeks later we’d won our first debate of the year against Concordia High School and the filming of what became known as Bill and Razz’s Excellent Sun Safe Adventure had been completed. I caught up with Razz before school on a Monday morning to hear about how the weekend’s shoot had gone.

  ‘Not bad. Got it all done, anyway. Haven’t had a chance to go through any of it yet. I’ve got a computer booked in the media room after school. I’m checking it out then. Bill did the filming and I’m doing the editing.’

  ‘Did Sally end up being OK with it?’

  ‘Yeah. And we filmed it at her place so we could use the pool as a backdrop. Her friend Jess came along too. Remember her from Sal’s party last year?’

  ‘Yeah, sure.’

  How could I forget? An image of Jess in a certain yellow bikini had been permanently seared into my retinas.

  ‘And let me guess, Razz; did you just happen to cast Jess in the role of Britney “Ooooooo! Why don’t I just slip off my bikini top” Parker?’

  ‘Yeah, well,’ Razz said, looking glum, ‘The girls sort of made us cut that bit out. Reckoned their characters sounded like a couple of “randy airheads” or something. Unbelievable. Then they wanted that whole scene rewritten. Wouldn’t let me touch it. They made Bilbo do it.’

  ‘Actors can be highly strung,’ I told him.

  ‘You’re not wrong there,’ Razz said with a roll of his eyes. ‘Anyway, Billy Boy got stuck in and totally changed it. Took out all the best bits, I reckon. But at least the girls liked it. Sally went on about him being a “new age man”. Puuuu-leeeeease! Hoop Boy a new age man? Are we even sure he comes from this planet? Anyway, at least it’s all in the can, as we film dudes say. Now it’s up to me to get it edited and finished by next week.’

  Razz looked a bit daunted by that thought, so following a brief Amnesty meeting with Mr Guthrie after school, I wandered over to the media room to see how he was going. I found him alone in one of the cubicles with a video camera hooked up to a computer.

  ‘Where’s Bill? I thought he was going to stay back with you.’

  ‘Had to head off. His mum rang. An emergency in Hoopville apparently. Some appointment he’d forgotten about.’

  ‘So how’s it looking?’ I asked, nodding at the computer where an image of Sally’s backyard and pool was frozen on the screen.

  ‘Yeah, not bad so far. I’m doing a quick run-through first up to pick the best takes. Hey, you want to hang around? Got some scenes coming up pretty soon with Jess almost wearing a bikini.’

  Then Razz threw back his head and slapped the desk.

  ‘Aw no, wait, I forgot. You’re not really into that kind of thing. Might be like Cindy, eh? A bit “too much” for you, right, dude?’

  I shot him a pained smile. ‘Shove over.’

  I wedged a chair in beside Razz and he hit Play. After only about ten minutes of viewing, four things became crystal clear to me.

  The first was that Bill and his rewrite of the script had performed a complete brain and personality transplant on Britney and Amber. They actually seemed like real people. The second was that Sally and Jess could really act. The third was that Razz and Bill really couldn’t. The fourth was that no matter what the quality of the finished product, Jess in a bikini was worth the price of admission alone.

  It took about half an hour to get through all the takes. Then after a final scene featuring Sally and Jess, Razz jumped in front of the camera and yelled, ‘Cut. That’s a wrap, people!’ This was followed by a bit of general cheering and whooping and Sally saying, ‘Let’s eat! Just put all your stuff in my room.’

  On the screen the image began to tilt and shake like an earth tremor had just hit and there were flashes of Bill’s chubby hands as they worked to unscrew the camera from the tripod. Beside me Razz was shaking his head.

  ‘No way, not again. Geez, how many times did we have to remind him? Turn it off first, Bilbo!’

  Back on screen there was a wild blur of colours and lights, then flashes and streaks of the pool, of the sky, of Sally, Razz and Jess and finally jerky, bouncy images of Bill’s joggers heading down a path towards the house. Razz began shouting at the computer.

  ‘Shire to Bilbo! Shire to Bilbo! This is Star Fleet Command. Do you read me? Turn off the camera! I repeat. TURN-OFF-THE-CAMERA!’

  Strangely enough,
Bill didn’t respond to Razz’s pleas and the jerky images continued until the screen plunged into darkness as he entered the house. When the camera finally adjusted to the lower light, there was a bit more of the blurry, category-five cyclone-type stuff and then everything stopped. Slowly the edge of a quilt, some walls, a desk, a chair, a mirror and a few posters crawled into focus.

  ‘Hey, that’s Sal’s room. He’s just dumped the camera on her bed. Wait! Hoop Boy! Look at the little green light! It’s right in front of you! It means the camera is still on! Open your eyes. It’s right there on top! You couldn’t possibly miss it, unless you’re the biggest …’

  Suddenly Bill’s backside appeared in close-up on the screen.

  ‘Wooooooo! Notify NASA! I think we’ve discovered a new planet!’

  Bill moved further away across the room. He stood in front of Sally’s desk. He was looking at a big poster on her wall of a soccer player striking a ball.

  ‘Liverpool!’ Razz said in disgust. ‘Where’s the AC Milan one I got her? Didn’t know Bilbo was that into soccer.’

  Bill stayed in front of the poster for a few seconds then turned and left. All that remained was the empty room. It looked like a really boring screen saver. Beside me Razz broke into raucous applause.

  ‘Bravo! Bravo! Well done, Bilbo! Stupendous! A masterpiece! Never before have I seen such inspired cinematography. A tour of force. The movement! The angles! The colours! The light and shade! The drama! I felt like I was right there! And now this. The piece of resistance. Never in the history of filmmaking has a room been captured with such … honesty … such sensitivity … such passion … such truth. I’m lost for words. It’s just so … so … room-like!’

  Razz and I were killing ourselves laughing.

  ‘How could he not see the On light?’ Razz shouted at the heavens. ‘Is he blind?’

  Just then some movement on the screen caught our eyes. Someone else had come into Sal’s room. It was Razz. He was carrying a sports bag. He walked over and stood directly in front of the camera then tossed the bag on the bed. The image on the screen bounced around for a bit before settling. Then Razz checked himself out in the mirror on Sally’s dressing table, and left.

  ‘Yeah, well, that On light is pretty small, you know, and …’

  Back on screen, Jess had now entered the room. She was still in her bikini with a towel wrapped around her waist. She was shoving some things into a carry bag. Razz leant forward.

  ‘That’s right. Jess couldn’t stay for lunch. I passed her in the corridor. Had to run off straightaway. Hardly said goodbye. Going to the pictures or something with her boyfriend Brad. Apparently they …’

  Razz stopped talking, because Jess had moved to the centre of the room and was standing there brushing her long blonde hair. The automatic focus blurred slightly then locked in on her. She filled up the screen. The camera didn’t just love her, it totally had the hots for her. She bent forward, brushed all her hair down over her face, then flicked it back as she stood up. Razz groaned. I knew exactly what he meant. Jess certainly made a bikini top earn its keep. It was the first time I’d ever felt jealous of fabric.

  ‘Ishmael, my friend, that’s what we Film and Television nerds call your classic medium shot. You see how it gets in most of the body from about the …’

  Jess had taken off her towel and flung it on to the bed. Now she was reaching with both hands behind her back and biting her bottom lip with the effort. There was no mistaking her intention.

  Jess Hambleton was about to unclip her bikini top.

  13.

  LOCK IN (A) HELL, YEAH!

  Razz’s nose was almost touching the computer screen when Jess’s image froze. Immediately he began swearing, shaking the computer and frantically checking the connections. He only stopped when he spotted my finger on the Pause button.

  ‘Are you crazy? What are you doing, man?’

  ‘Razz, maybe we need to think about this a bit first.’

  Razza’s eyes drilled into me for a moment and then began to wander around the room.

  ‘Yeah. Yeah, you’re absolutely right. Good one, Ishmael!’ he said before jumping up from his chair, shutting the door to the editing room, drawing the curtains closed on the window beside us and rotating the computer screen so that it couldn’t be seen from the main teaching area. ‘Wouldn’t want to be interrupted, would we? OK, push the button, dude!’

  My finger stayed where it was.

  ‘What’re you waiting for?’ Razz said, twisting his head around. ‘Did I miss something?’

  ‘Razz, I don’t think we can watch this.’

  ‘Sure we can. Look, it’s easy. Give it here, I’ll show you. You just push Play.’

  Razz reached over for the camera but I moved it away.

  ‘I know we can watch it. What I mean is we shouldn’t. It’s not right. It’s … wrong.’

  ‘Wrong? We’ve got Jess Hambleton about to take off her clothes. We’ve got Pause, Rewind and even Slow Mo. Man, this is so right, it’s not funny. It’s like we’ve won first prize in the chick-perving lotto! The only thing wrong, man, is you if you don’t push that button!’

  ‘So you’d be happy to sit there and gawk at Jess while she gets undressed?’

  ‘What, is that like a trick question or something, dude? No? OK then. Lock in (a) Hell, Yeah!’

  ‘I don’t believe it. What, are you a peeping Tom or something now?’

  ‘Peeping Tom? What are you on about? This isn’t like that. I’m not creeping around in the dark like some scumbag trying to spy on Jess. I didn’t plan this. It’s just a lucky accident, man. The best and luckiest accident ever.’

  ‘That’s garbage, Razz. It’s just wrong and you know it.’

  ‘Well, what are you, my conscience? Anyway, what’s so wrong about it? It’s not gonna hurt anyone. Jess’ll never know and it certainly ain’t gonna hurt me. So how about you just push the button.’

  ‘No. It’s wrong.’

  Razz threw up his hands and slumped down in his chair with his head resting on the back, gazing up at the ceiling.

  ‘Why is it wrong? Why? Tell me that. Go on … educate me. Better yet, you’re a debater. Convince me. Go on. Let’s just say the topic is: That watching Jess get naked is wrong and you’re arguing for the Affirmative. Go on, give me the outline of your case.’

  ‘This is stupid.’

  ‘What’s the problem, Ishmael? You keep going on about how wrong it is. Haven’t you got anything to back it up?’

  Razz smirked at me and twiddled his fingers on his stomach as he waited.

  ‘All right. You want my case? Is that it? Well, here it is. First of all, watching that video is a gross invasion of privacy, and personal privacy is one of the most basic and essential rights human beings have. Secondly. Just because it’s accidental and you didn’t plan it doesn’t make it right. That would be like saying if you came across an open bank vault it would be OK to take the money because you weren’t the one who unlocked it. Thirdly. You reckon it’s OK to watch the video because Jess wouldn’t know about it. Well, if it’s OK for you and me to watch it then I guess you’d have no problem with someone like Danny Wallace or Bagsley watching it if they were the ones who accidentally found it. And what about if it was someone else in the video? Someone like … Sally? You’d be OK with that too, would you? Fourthly. Even if Jess never finds out about it, it’s still wrong, because you know if she had a choice she wouldn’t want people to watch her undress, otherwise she wouldn’t have bothered going into Sally’s room in the first place to get some privacy. And if you’re doing something that you know would hurt or embarrass someone, then that must be wrong. And finally, it’s even worse when the person you are doing the wrong thing to is a friend. A friend who’s only on the stupid video in the first place because she’s helping you out with your Film and Television assignment. You’re not supposed to take advantage of your friends, Razz. And you know why? Because it’s WRONG!’

  All the time I’d b
een speaking Razz had been sitting there studying the ceiling. Now he turned his head lazily to the side and frowned at me.

  ‘That’s it? That’s your case? That’s all you got?’

  ‘What! Well, what have you got, then? Go on, let’s see how you’d go. Give me the Negative case.’

  ‘All right, I will.’

  Razz pushed back his chair and moved to the centre of room.

  ‘Madam Chair. Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to outline in detail the case for the Negative team.’

  Then he paused thoughtfully to find just the right words.

  ‘Jess Hambleton,’ he said finally, ‘NAAAAAKEEED!’

  Razz flopped back down.

  ‘Admit it, Ishmael. I win in a landslide. Now push Play.’

  I stood up and headed for the door.

  ‘Hey, wait up! What’re you doing? Where’re you going?’

  ‘You were right, Razz. I’m not your conscience. So if you think it’s fine to watch it, then go ahead and watch it. It’s totally your call. But I think it’s wrong and that’s my call. So I’m leaving. Just so long as we agree on one thing. After you finish watching it, you delete it for good. OK?’

  I was reaching out for the door handle.

  ‘No, wait, man! I’m not watching it without you.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Well … if you don’t watch it … and I do … that makes me look like a bit of a sleaze bag.’

  ‘Well gee, Razz, if the raincoat fits …’

  ‘What!’

  Razz bent forward and began slowly pounding his head on the desk in time to his words. ‘DO-NOT-BELIEVE-THIS. CAN-NOT-BE-HAPPENING. JUST-BAD-DREAM.’

  ‘That’s it, I’m leaving.’

  I turned to go but Razz reached out and grabbed hold of the back of my shirt.

  ‘Waaaaaaait,’ he said, squeezing his forehead like he had a mega-migraine. Then he passed me the camera. ‘Here, take it. You’ll have to do it, man. I haven’t got the heart.’