Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  Razz was a picture of innocence and confusion.

  ‘What about you, what?’

  ‘What about me and Reverse Cool?’

  ‘You and Reverse Cool?’

  ‘Stop repeating everything I say!’

  ‘Stop repeating everything you …’

  Even Razz could hear the nuclear warhead ticking this time. ‘Ah … What exactly would you like to know?’

  ‘Have I got any Reverse Cool, obviously!’ Prue shouted, then added quickly, ‘not that I even believe in it in the first place … or I actually care about what you think … but you know … just for interest’s sake … If the stupid thing was true … would I have any?’

  Razz pulled on his earphone cable until it popped from his ear. Then he stared hard at my sister. She was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of the Beatles on it. It was the one from that old album cover with the four of them on the zebra crossing. Except Prue had photo-shopped it and now two of them were floating above the ground. One was higher up as if he’d left first. She had sewn little angel wings on their backs.

  Razz wrinkled up his nose.

  ‘You? Reverse Cool?’

  Prue folded her arms tightly across her chest and everything but her eyes said that she couldn’t care less what Razz was going to say next.

  ‘Sorry,’ Razz said, shaking his head slowly, ‘I thought you knew already. You’re the Queen of Reverse Cool, Prudles. You make Reverse Cool hot.’

  ‘Really?’ Prue said, perhaps just a little more excitedly than she intended. ‘Well, that’s … interesting … you know … If there really was such a thing … Anyway, um … Hey, look at the time … I guess I’d better get myself changed … You know, for the big performance.’

  Prue sprang from the desk she’d been sitting on and grabbed up a bag and a shiny black wig. She held them up.

  ‘Showtime!’ she said and skipped from the room.

  Razz watched her go before pushing his earplug in, closing his eyes and settling back in his chair.

  ‘My work here is done,’ he said.

  29.

  YOU DA BOMB! DA BOMB-BOMB!

  There were six entries in the Battle of the Bands. Two from Creswell, two from Charlton and one each from Radley and Franklin. We were the last to perform, so our nerves had plenty of time to get well and truly jangled.

  Out of all the other houses’ bands, the two from Creswell were clearly the best. One of their entries, Snotty and the Obnoxious Mutants, went down really well with Crazy Eddie Schneider. On the other hand it was hard to tell with Dusty Roads. They were obviously super-talented and the big crowd liked them, but all through their song Crazy Eddie just sat sprawled back on his chair with his eyes closed. Only a slight rocking of his head indicated he was still alive.

  After five acts, it was our turn.

  Razz was set up in centre stage at the back on drums. Prue was beside him holding her violin and bow with her saxophone on a stand. A little bit further forward on one side of the stage was Ignatius on electric organ. I was on the other side on rhythm guitar and beside me huddled around a microphone were Bill, Theodore and Scobie. Right out front and dressed in a shredded, safety-pin-encrusted, black ninja outfit courtesy of Gerard Carlson-Steele and the Art Department, was Melvin Yip.

  Mr Cave, the Music Director and MC, introduced us, and a big cheer came up from the Charlton House supporters led by Miss Tarango along with some lukewarm applause from everyone else. Razz raised his drumsticks above his head and clicked them together four times as my heart was having a real crack at smashing some kind of blood-pumping record. But there was no backing out now.

  After those four clicks, Razz leapt out of his seat and pounded out three thunderous beats on the drums and two ear-splitting clashes on the symbols. Then he launched into a blistering roller coaster of a beat and Prue, Ignatius and I leapt on board with electric piano, violin and guitar while Melvin, complete with distorted facial expressions and elaborate ninja moves, unleashed his machine-gun vocals.

  Like-a-microwave-on-high-you’re – HOT!

  Some-chicks-think-they-are-they’re – NOT!

  Haven’t-got-the-bod-you’ve-GOT!

  Man-are-you-a-total-BABE?

  And after a Razz drum thrashing, Melvin brought it home with a real tonsil shredder.

  Or WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

  That was repeated with increasing volume and craziness for the next two verses.

  Your-bod-is-hot-but-you-are – COOL!

  You’re-deeper-than-a-swimming – POOL!

  You’re-the-hottest-chick-in – SCHOOL!

  ’Cause-you-full-y – ROCK!

  And RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!

  You’re-a-smokin’-babe-a-sweet-as – CHICK!

  Hot-to-trot-and-fully – SICK!

  I’d-give-Kirsten-Dunst-the – FLICK!

  Man-of-all-the-chicks-you’d – BE!

  My PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

  Then Razz pounded out a thunderous jungle beat and we all clapped along in time, while the refrain was chanted by Bill and Theodore and mimed very convincingly by Scobie.

  You fry my brain/You turn me on/You light my fuse/

  ’Cause you da bomb!

  You fry my brain/You turn me on/You light my fuse/

  ’Cause you da bomb!

  You da-bomb! You da-bomb! You da-bomb-da-bomb

  Da-bomb-bomb!

  You da-bomb! You da-bomb! You da-bomb-da-bomb

  Da-bomb-bomb!

  With the refrain repeating in the background and the crowd stamping and clapping along with us, Prue danced on to centre stage waving her saxophone above her head. She was wearing a shiny black wig, heavy black eye shadow, black lipstick, a black T-shirt, a black studded jacket and chunky black lace-up boots. It was the perfect rock punk Goth outfit – except for the little pair of bright tie-dyed rainbow-coloured cotton shorts she had on.

  Mad cheering and whistling erupted not just from Charlton House, but from all the St Daniel’s boys in the crowd as Prue did a wild, loopy, twirling dance to the backing of You da-bomb! You da-bomb! You da-bomb-da-bomb Da-bomb-bomb! Then after a few circuits of the stage the Queen of Reverse Cool unleashed an insane saxophone solo that had Crazy Eddie Schneider pumping both fists in the air and howling at the sky.

  It all came to a climax when the chorus built to an ear-splitting ‘DA bomb-bomb!’ and Melvin, much to the delight of Crazy Eddie, executed a perfect spinning karate kick and smashed a gaping hole in Razz’s base drum (thanks – once again – to a fake front courtesy of Gerard Carlson-Steele and the Art Department).

  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the next minute or so standing on stage with the crowd cheering and laughing and making lots of noise. I just tried to take it all in, all the happy Charlton supporters and Crazy Eddie pounding on his judge’s table and Miss Tarango smiling and waving. Sally was there going crazy as well. I even spotted Raychell Taylor again, bouncing up and down and woo-hooing and shouting out. She was with Gary Horsham, who didn’t look very happy. It probably had something to do with him being from Creswell House.

  I found Mum and Dad in the crowd too. Mrs Zorzotto was with them. So was Mr Barker. They were all on their feet waving and cheering. And Uncle Ray had turned up. He was standing beside Dad, clapping his hands above his head. That’s when I noticed the other two guys next to him doing the same thing. One was dressed in black and the other one had a shaved head. I shouted at Razz and pointed them out. He took a second to see them and then his face broke into a massive smile. Mine was probably just as big. After all, it’s not every day you get a standing ovation from the Dugongs.

  I think the only way the day could have possibly been any better is if Kelly had been there … Oh, and if we’d won.

  30.

  YOU ARE TO ME

  We finished up second in the Battle of the Bands just in front of Snotty and the Obnoxious Mutants. The winners on the day were Dusty Roads.

 
Apparently, during his days at St Daniel’s, Crazy Eddie Schneider was the leading music student and after graduation he’d completed an honours degree at the Conservatorium. So he knew real musical talent when he heard it. It was still a close thing. Crazy Eddie reckoned his musical head had said Dusty Roads and his punk heart had said the Hoops of Steel. His musical head won.

  We were all pretty happy with the result, although Razz still couldn’t believe Dusty Roads had beaten us. He thought the Fender Stratocaster that put Crazy Eddie into hospital must have knocked his musical head completely out of tune. But the really good news was that because Charlton bands had taken out both first and second spot, we’d gained a heap of valuable points on Creswell and narrowed their overall lead in the race for the College Cup. Operation Tarango was still very much on target.

  Once our heavy metal punk rock debut was out of the way, all attention focused on the next big event on the college calendar – the Year Twelve Formal. The two Lourdes girls had happily agreed with Razz’s plan and everything was set for the night.

  It kicked off with pre-Formal drinks, nibblies and photos at the Zorzottos’ for everyone at our table as well as our parents. Then Uncle Georgiou chauffeured the five couples to the venue in another of his showy vehicles – an iridescent pink Kombi van. He even wore one of his most elaborate ‘Show Tunes Serenade’ costumes to celebrate the occasion. Razz’s mum was right about those peacocks. Bill was impressed.

  The Formal itself was great fun and Kelly seemed happier and closer than last time, but it was the way the night ended that I’ll never forget.

  Dad picked Kelly and me up and drove us back to Lourdes College and waited for me while I walked her to the boarding house. At the entrance of the Senior dormitory we stood together in the shadows of the old stone building and told each other how much we’d enjoyed the night and how much fun it had been. After all the easy things were said came the silence.

  With Kelly standing in front of me looking so beautiful I couldn’t help thinking about that moment we shared after the Dugongs’ concert. Our first and only proper kiss. I wondered if it would ever be like that again. Would Kelly Faulkner’s eyes ever sparkle at me the way they did that night? Were we ever going to be anything more than just friends? I knew there was only one person who could give me the answer to those questions. I had finally worked up the courage to speak when Kelly beat me to it.

  ‘Remember that night at the Dugongs’ concert?’ she said.

  For a second I thought I’d been speaking out loud or that Kelly had read my mind.

  ‘Yeah … Of course.’

  ‘Remember the poem, the one you wrote about me – ‘The weatherman’s daughter’ one? Remember that line you wrote … the weatherman’s daughter … makes the sun shine?’

  ‘Sure.’

  She raised her eyes and looked at me.

  ‘Do you still think that?’

  ‘Yeah, I do.’

  Kelly’s forehead creased in a frown. I couldn’t be certain if that was the answer she wanted to hear or not.

  ‘I really think you’re lovely, Ishmael, and I don’t know what I’d do without you for a friend. But I’m worried I’m being very selfish … and wasting your time. So I want you to know something. I want you to know that if you get sick of waiting … or if you meet someone else … or if there already is someone else … then I’d understand all that, I truly would.’

  Kelly’s words made me feel good and scared all at the same time. I was glad we were friends but I didn’t want her to ‘understand’ if there was somebody else. I wanted her to care. I watched as a tiny sad smile came to her face and she looked out into the night.

  ‘I really do love that poem,’ she said. ‘I keep it on my noticeboard beside my desk and read it all the time. I like the girl in it. She’s who I thought I was … who I want to be.’

  Then Kelly turned to me looking lost and tired.

  ‘I’m trying … but I don’t know if I’m that girl any more.’

  I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know what words Kelly wanted or needed right then. But Mum and Dad always told me, ‘When in doubt, just stick with the truth’. So I did that.

  ‘Well, you are to me,’ I told her. ‘You’ll always be that girl to me.’

  For a moment I thought Kelly’s eyes had begun to sparkle, but it was just the lights of the boarding house reflecting in the beginnings of tears. They soon pooled and rolled down her face. Then she moved closer, wrapped her arms tightly around me and rested her head against my chest.

  I’ve got no idea how long we stayed like that, just standing there holding each other. If it had gone on forever it would have been fine by me. But then voices and laughter began drifting up from down the drive, and I felt Kelly ease back.

  ‘Better get inside and beat the rush,’ she said, and kissed me on the cheek. At the entrance to the dorm she stopped and turned.

  ‘I owe you a poem,’ she added with a quick smile, then disappeared inside.

  There were heaps of other things that happened on the night of our Year Twelve Formal, but it’s the time I spent holding on to Kelly and neither of us saying a word that I remember the most.

  That, and the smiles on Bill Kingsley’s and his ‘partner’ Katie’s faces. The smiles that first appeared when Katie’s friend Phoebe arrived at the pre-Formal party, along with her ‘partner’ … Jimmy ‘The Main Event’ Mainwaring.

  31.

  THREE PHONE CALLS AND A DECISION

  ‘Ishmael! We’re all set, dude. The Big Z has come through with the goods!’

  It was the Monday after the Formal and I had just arrived at school when Razz galloped over to meet me. I didn’t have a clue what ‘goods’ he had ‘come through’ with.

  ‘I’ve scored us all a beach house, dude! For one whole week at Sunshine Cove, straight after we break up. Belongs to my Uncle Sasha. And here’s the best part. They’re knocking the joint down soon to put up flats, so Uncle Sasha’s letting us have it for nothing! I mean, it’s a bit of a dump, but there’s heaps of space for you and me and all the guys and we don’t even have to worry about wrecking it. Awesome!’

  ‘Wow! Sounds great. By the way, Razz, how many uncles have you actually got?’

  ‘Seven,’ he said as if that was the obvious number. ‘Hey, and guess what, man? As an added extra, special bonus, Sal and a bunch of Lourdes chicks are renting this posh unit not too far away from us. How cool is that? Maybe not that exciting for Bilbo, but awesome news for you, Ishmael, because Sal’s trying to talk Kelly into coming down too, before she goes to New Zealand to see her dad. Dude, think about it. You and the Kelster together at the beach for a week. You’d have to be as excited as Prindabel at the Miss Nude Nerd finals.’

  Normally Razz would have been right. But to tell you the truth, I just wasn’t sure any more. Don’t get me wrong. I still felt exactly same way about Kelly, but I still wasn’t really sure exactly how she felt about me.

  ‘Man, can you believe it?’ Razz said, scanning the yard. ‘In less than two months, no more school and we’ll have our own house at the beach for a whole week. Does that sound totally rigid or what?’

  It did sound totally rigid – and a bit scary. Soon we’d be leaving St Daniel’s for good. Just five weeks of normal classes, two weeks of exams, a graduation dinner, and then sun, surf and sand … and possibly Kelly Faulkner. It all seemed a bit unreal.

  ‘Anyway, Mum and I are driving down to Sunshine Cove on Saturday to check it out. I’ll call and let you know how it goes.’

  The following weekend I was reading on my bed and waiting for the phone call from Razz. What I ended up with was three phone calls – and a decision to make.

  Phone call No 1:

  Theme to Mission Impossible plays. I snatch up my mobile without taking my eyes off my book.

  ‘About time. Where ya been?’

  ‘Sorry. I had no idea you were so demanding.’

  ‘What? Kelly? Is that you?’

  ‘Afraid
so. Hope you’re not too disappointed.’

  ‘No, no, I thought you were Razz.’

  ‘Do you often have trouble telling us apart?’

  ‘Well, only in a certain light, you know, like pitch black. Oh, and sometimes when Razz tries on his Uncle Georgiou’s hand-me-downs.’

  Kelly laughed. ‘Too much information. But look, what I rang for was to see if you wanted to do something Saturday week? That’d be the twentieth.’

  ‘Sure. Great. Love to.’

  ‘Terrific. I’ll put your name down for the Lourdes working bee. They’re cleaning the toilets.’

  I was trying to figure out how to sound excited when Kelly saved me.

  ‘Gotcha. But you might want to actually hear what it is first. It’s not that exciting. It’s just that our dorm supervisor is taking the Year Twelve boarders to see a local production of Hamlet. We’re doing it in English this semester. Anyway, Ms Entwhistle has generously allowed us to invite one guest if we want. I just thought you might like to come along.’

  ‘Yeah, that’d be great. We did it last year.’

  ‘Are you sure? Don’t say yes just to be nice.’

  ‘No, I’d love to come. Thanks.’

  ‘OK. But if you change your mind or you’re too busy or you get a better offer just let me know, all right? That’d be no problem at all. I’m going anyway.’

  We spoke for a bit longer and sorted out all the details for the night. Kelly said to ring next weekend and let her know if I was definitely coming. I got off the phone feeling great. I’d only just settled back on the bed and found where I was up to in my book when my mobile went off again.

  Phone call No 2:

  Theme to Mission Impossible plays. I snatch up the phone without taking my eyes off my book.

  ‘Hey, Razz, you’ll never guess what happened.’

  ‘Ooooo, sounds exciting! What?’

  It wasn’t Razz. It was a girl’s voice. I couldn’t place it but it seemed familiar.