Feels Like Falling

by Kristy Woodson Harvey

  I got up to clear the plates. I rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher that his momma must’ve finally installed. They aren’t a fad, I wanted to tell her again. Frank followed me.

  I told myself that I didn’t want to ruin our perfect night, taint it with the stain of our past. But it was true whether I said it out loud or not. And now was as good a time as any. “I thought I was punishing you,” I said.

  He cocked his head as I closed the dishwasher door. “When?”

  “Having the abortion. I thought I was punishing you.” I paused, picking up the dish towel on the sink. “When you said you were going to Charlotte no matter what, I felt so alone, like you didn’t care about me. And that’s why I disappeared that night to Cheyenne’s. And you didn’t come. I know you didn’t know I was pregnant, but in my mind, you were abandoning me and your baby. I was trying to punish you. But I only punished myself.”

  It made no sense. I felt that now. In my mind, I had punished Frank for twenty-two years for something that was my fault. No, he didn’t stand up for me the way I wanted him to. But I had left him. I hadn’t told him about the baby. I had taken a piece of him away without even asking him. It hurt me to admit it, but I was the one to blame for so much of this.

  “Can I be honest with you?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “I’m angry that you didn’t tell me. I’m trying to push it away because I’m trying to win you back and say all the right things, but, damn, Diana. That was my kid too.”

  My instinct was to argue with him, but I knew he was right. Maybe it was my choice, technically. But Frank and I had loved each other. That baby was his too. It wasn’t a one-night stand; it wasn’t a mistake. The mistake was on me. “You have every right to be mad,” I said. “I thought about it a lot, Frank. I swear I did. But all it came back to was that I was eighteen, and I was going to be alone. I didn’t believe that you would stand up for me, and even if you did, I didn’t want to spend my life knowing that you only married me because I was pregnant. That wasn’t the life I wanted.” I could feel tears in my eyes as I said, “And I paid for it, Frank. I paid for it by never getting to be a mother.”

  Frank reached out his hand and pulled me into him. “I was too proud to come get you. I was too proud to beg.” He shrugged. “What we lost hurts, but it doesn’t hurt as much as the idea that we might never have a future together because of the mistakes of our past.”

  “We both made mistakes,” I repeated, resting my head on his chest. I felt cleansed somehow, ready to really, truly move on.

  He grinned down at me. “How about we take a walk on the beach? There’s a dune down there that I’m quite fond of.”

  I thought about telling him, but what in the hell was the point of that? So he could feel all sick every time he had to look at that dune too? No. Some things you just keep to yourself, and it isn’t lying so much as it is protecting. I was protecting him because I loved him. I had caused him enough pain.

  As Frank led me by the hand toward the pitch-dark beach and onto the backside of that dune that nobody on earth could see unless they were at Frank’s house, I realized that I’d follow that man anywhere.

  So I decided to let it go. I’d make love to Frank on this dune for the second time. And this time I wouldn’t get hurt. This time it wouldn’t be hard. This time I could look out onto this beach and smile and think about the beautiful thing that had happened here. But, just like it had all those years ago, when the best day of my life had turned into the worst one, that damn dune kept on surprising me.

  CHAPTER 15

  gray: girlfriend

  We had done it. We had made it through our first grown-up, in-public, real live outing. And we had survived. Hell, we had thrived.

  “I think it’s fair to say that I did something pretty great for you this afternoon. Right?” Andrew asked.

  I smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I think that’s fair to say. And I know just how to repay you.” I raised my eyebrows and pulled him in closer.

  He smiled down at me. “Oh, I’m very aware of that. But I have a suggestion of my own.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah? What’s that?”

  “Well, we always stay at your house…”

  I backed away. “Listen, babe, I adore you. But I’m not going to go stay with a bunch of twentysomething boys.”

  He laughed. “Is this how little you know about me? I’m staying at my parents’ house for the summer. It’s big and beautiful and right on the beach.”

  It was a bad sign that I didn’t even know where the kid lived. I’d give him that. But that was mainly because when I was with him on my weeks without Wagner, he was basically living with me.

  “Okay. Are there dishes piled in the sink? Towels piled on the floor? Dirty underwear piled in the corner?”

  He laughed. “(A) no. And, (b) if it weren’t for Diana, you would have all that stuff at your house.”

  He wasn’t wrong.

  He kissed me. “I know the sound is beautiful, but I sure would love to spend a night with you falling asleep to the crash of the waves on the shore. We can take a midnight stroll on the beach.… The stars are beautiful, and it’s very, very isolated.…”

  I laughed, finally getting the picture. “Aha. So, you don’t care about my staying at your house. You’re looking for a little on-the-beach action.”

  He pulled me in suggestively. “Maybe the dunes? On the Cape?”

  We both started laughing.

  “It’s a bucket list item.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I do owe you. But I’ll warn you, it’s not as glamorous and romantic as it might seem. There’s a lot of sand, and it gets in some pretty uncomfortable places.”

  He looked at me in faux astonishment. “Why, Miss Gray, how on earth would you know that?”

  I winked at him and, in my most innocent voice, said, “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve just heard.”

  He kissed me again and said, “Okay. So we have a deal?”

  I smiled. “We have a deal.”

  He pulled away and jumped in the air, doing a little fist pump. “Yes! You are the most awesome girlfriend in the world.”

  Girlfriend. It was a weird realization. It was very strange to go from being someone’s wife to being just a girlfriend again.

  “Am I your girlfriend?” I asked teasingly.

  “I’m not doing this with you tonight,” Andrew said. He wrapped his arms around me. “Call it what you want, but I am all yours.”

  I didn’t say it, but I was all his too.

  Andrew’s parents’ house was big. And beautiful. And right on the beach. We sat on the built-in bench on the front deck, having a cocktail before dinner, watching the sunset. I snuggled up under his arm, and he kissed my head. “You know, Gray,” he said, “this has been the best summer of my life.” He winked. “I love you. I really mean that. And I know you want this to be a summer fling, but the idea of having to not be with you—”

  I put my finger up to his lips. “Shhh. Let’s just enjoy the sunset.”

  He nodded and looked back toward the water breaking and crashing to the shore just over the dunes, the sea oats waving in the wind.

  “There’s my little sweetie!” I heard from behind me.

  I sat straight up and turned to see a polished, beautiful woman, probably in her late forties, a fact that was very well hidden by what I presumed was a good deal of Botox. She was wearing white jeans and a patterned silk tunic and looked like she belonged to this house perfectly. Andrew got up and wrapped her in a hug. “Hi, my little momma,” he said.

  My heart was racing through my chest and into my throat, and I felt momentarily like I might pass out. I was stunned to see this woman, yet Andrew didn’t look surprised in the least. He had tricked me. I wanted to be mad—only he had to trick me, didn’t he? Because I would never in a million years have agreed to meet his mother.

  “There’s my boy,” another, deeper voice called as its owner, in crisp khaki pants and
a blue-and-white-striped knit shirt, stepped onto the deck. He and his son hugged briefly. I stood up, my maxi dress flowing in the breeze, thankful that I hadn’t worn the low-cut one I’d considered when getting dressed.

  “Mom, Dad,” Andrew said. “This is Gray.”

  If they were surprised to see me, they didn’t let on. His mother took my hand and kissed my cheek. “We have heard so much about you,” she said. “Please call me June.”

  Henry was next in line for a handshake and cheek kiss. They were so adorable. I turned and smiled pertly at Andrew. His wide grin told me that, yes indeed, he had been planning this, and, my oh my, he was so proud of himself. But a little heads-up would have been nice. They’d heard so much about me, but I didn’t know exactly what that entailed. Did that mean they knew about the divorce? And Wagner? That I was substantially too old to be running around with their prize of a son?

  “We won’t be down next week, so we wanted to take Andrew to an early birthday dinner. Why don’t we all go to the club and get to know each other a little better?” Henry asked.

  “Oh, um,” I stuttered, “I should probably be getting home.”

  That’s all I needed, to walk into the Straits Club and have everyone call me Mrs. Howard.

  Andrew took my hand and said, “No, Gray. You have to eat with us. You’ll starve to death otherwise.”

  Everyone laughed, which made me realize that my lack of kitchen prowess was one of the things they had heard about.

  “Oh yes, please,” June added. “I’ve never gotten to show off a beautiful girlfriend of my son’s at the Narrows Club. He never lets us meet anyone he dates.”

  He squeezed my hand and winked. Two things were fighting for position at the front of my mind. One, Narrows Club. Thank the Lord. It could still go badly. There could still be friends mentioning Wagner or Greg, but at least there wouldn’t be any waitstaff calling me Mrs. Howard. Two, Andrew never let them meet anyone, and he was letting them meet me. My heart sank. I adored him, but standing on his parents’ beautiful front deck I really faced how ridiculous this was. He was too young, and my life was too similar to his parents’. The entire thing was utterly absurd.

  But I loved him. Ripping this Band-Aid off was going to hurt like hell. So I smiled and decided to wait until tomorrow. “Thank you so much,” I said. “I think dinner at the Narrows Club sounds amazing.”

  I was going to drive separately, so I could have a word with Andrew, but June said, “Oh, no. I am a teetotaler, so you may as well let me. Then the three of you can have a little fun.” She winked at me.

  I slid into the backseat of her Mercedes sedan and gave Andrew the look I gave Wagner when he was misbehaving in public and I was going to give him a piece of my mind when we got home.

  He avoided my glance and made small talk on the very short ride to dinner. But it wasn’t long before we were sitting at the table, and June said, “So, where did you two meet?”

  I smiled and Andrew squeezed my hand under the table again. “Actually,” I said, “we met at the Straits Club.”

  “Oh,” Henry said, “do your parents belong there?”

  This was the only time I had ever been grateful that my mother was dead. “Actually, my mother passed away last year.”

  As expected, instead of them grilling me about the Straits Club and how Andrew’s girlfriend had her own membership, we got to talk cancer and “I’m sorries” and “that must be so hard for a girl your age.”

  A girl your age.

  “So, were you two in school together?” Henry asked, as though he had read my mind.

  Andrew started to speak, but I interrupted him. “Well, I’m not getting my master’s like this smarty-pants, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said, laughing lightly. Because I got it twelve years ago.

  Andrew turned to me, a questioning look on his face. It was as if his eyes were saying, It’s not a big deal. Just tell them. And under different circumstances, I would have. Andrew and I would have sat them down and we would have laid all the cards on the table. And their reaction might not have been great, but we would be the ones to decide how we proceeded. But I knew this was over. I couldn’t bear to put them through it for nothing. Least of all Andrew. It wasn’t fair to make him fight for me when I knew I wasn’t willing to fight for him.

  But June and Henry were so happy, sitting at dinner with their baby boy’s girlfriend; they were positively glowing. I could almost hear June thinking that, with my mother gone, she would get to plan her dream wedding. Which she wouldn’t. Because even if this did work out—which, I clearly saw now, it could not—it would be a wedding at the courthouse.

  “Well…” June reached across the table and patted Andrew’s hand. “We’re very proud.”

  I smiled at her encouragingly. “Of course you are. Andrew is so talented. I’m sure he has always exceeded your expectations.” Mine too, I thought.

  “Oh,” June said, “he is marvelous, isn’t he? Watching him play matches has been our favorite thing to do for years now. Have you seen him in action?”

  I wanted to laugh. Yup. I had seen him in action. “I’ve only seen him at the club. But he is adorable with the kids. It’s so heartwarming.”

  June looked at her son dreamily. “He is going to be a magnificent father one day.”

  I smiled at him. I wasn’t mad anymore, just sad. “He sure will.” I paused. “One day.”

  A cloud passed over his face.

  Henry said, “So, Gray, what do you do?”

  “I own an affiliate marketing company,” I said.

  June squeezed Henry’s arm. “Maybe Gray can help you.” She turned to me. “Henry’s company, Sanford Properties, is looking for a social media consultant.” She looked at him proudly. “The number-one commercial realtor in the Triangle this year.”

  I was thinking that that was not in the realm of what I did, but I said, “Congratulations. That is quite a feat.”

  “Thank you.” He nodded humbly. “I’ll make sure to put in a good word for you.”

  I smiled tightly. “Wow. That would be…” I stammered. “That would be just great.”

  Andrew piped in. “Gray won’t need it. She’s a total genius. She has a multimillion-dollar company and—”

  I punched him lightly on the arm. “Andrew, honestly. That’s enough.”

  “That is really something,” June said.

  “Yes,” Henry chimed in. “Smart and beautiful. You should hang on to this one, son.”

  I felt that pang again.

  “Oh, I plan to, Dad,” Andrew said. Then he added, “You know what’s the coolest thing about Gray?”

  “What?” June asked.

  “She has the most fantastic so—”

  I kicked him and interjected, “Software. I patented a special software that makes affiliate marketing much easier.”

  June laughed. “That’s wonderful, darling, but I’d hardly say that’s the coolest thing about her.”

  I waved my hand in the air and avoided Andrew’s glance. “That’s enough about me. Tell me about you two.” I smiled. “Better yet, give me all the scoop on this one.” I glanced in Andrew’s direction.

  By the time we got back in the car, I felt like I was going to be sick from the anxiety of not crushing these wonderful people’s spirit by telling them that I was not at all who they thought. I also loved June and Henry. And that was unfathomably painful.

  As we stepped out of the car in the driveway, I said, “Thank you so much again for a wonderful dinner. And son,” I added for good measure. I was breaking up with him, but I still wanted his parents to think I was lovely.

  June hugged me. Then she took both my hands in hers. “Darling, you are precious. I am so happy my son found you.” I could feel tears glazing over my eyes. “He is in love with you,” she said. “I can tell.” I smiled and nodded. She took my hand and put it on her chest. “That boy is my whole heart,” she said. “Please don’t break his.”

  It took everything I had in
me to not break down right there in the driveway. Andrew appeared and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Why don’t you come in?”

  “I can’t,” I said. “I need to get home.”

  He kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’m going to get Mom and Dad settled, and I’ll come visit you later.”

  I nodded bravely and turned, barely reaching my car before the tears started streaming down my face. What had I been thinking? What was I doing? This was real. And then all I could think of was Wagner, my son who was sleeping under my roof fifteen days a month now. I couldn’t control my sobs as I pulled out of the driveway and, instead of turning right over the bridge, kept going straight. It had taken me a couple of months, but I was tired of pretending. I heard June’s voice in my ear: That boy is my whole heart. I knew where I needed to be.

  * * *

  Greg couldn’t stand it when I cried. Tonight was no exception. I was relieved that Wagner was already in bed and that, when I pulled into the driveway, Greg was on the porch—sans Brooke.

  He stood up quickly. “Gray, what’s wrong?”

  I don’t know what it was about seeing June with Andrew, but it made me finally feel all of those things I’d been pushing away all this time. I wanted to do what was right for my son. I wanted to be that unselfish mother who realized that her son needed his father. But it struck me how little time I had left with him, how quickly he was going to be bringing girls home to meet me.

  I shook my head.

  Greg pulled me close to him and my head hit his shoulder. He rubbed my back and whispered, “What is it? You’re scaring me.”

  “I can’t do it, Greg,” I said. “I want to, but I just can’t.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  “I can’t be away from my son every other week. It’s too much. I know you want to see him too, but I can’t stand it. I don’t think I can live.” Suddenly I didn’t care about the company or the houses or the 401(k)s or any of that. I just wanted my son.