Deeper

by Ronica Black

  “Mac, wait.” Patricia moved toward her. “I need to talk to you.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Erin looked past her to Sinclair. “Obviously this was what you meant when you said we needed to talk.”

  “No.” Patricia hated the hurt she saw in her friend’s eyes. “It’s something else.”

  “I’ll see you later,” Sinclair said gently, excusing herself.

  Erin stepped to the side to let her by.

  “Nice meeting you,” Sinclair said politely.

  Erin made a noise and nodded.

  Patricia felt torn and panicked. She told Erin to wait, then quickly followed Sinclair outside for some privacy. “I’m sorry about that.”

  Sinclair sank her hands into her jeans pockets. “I understand.”

  “She’s staying with me for a while, until…” But she didn’t have any answer.

  “That’s the one from the book?”

  Patricia suddenly grew angry with herself and swore she’d never write another word unless it was about someone completely made up. “Yes.”

  “You’re a good friend.” Sinclair sounded sincere but her gaze was elsewhere.

  “I try to be. Unfortunately, I have to go back in there and tell her we are pursuing her lover on murder charges and that we found DNA.”

  “I was wrong about what I said. About Adams.”

  Patricia studied her. “Is that why you came tonight?”

  “Yes.” Sinclair’s voice softened with sincerity. “I’m not wrong very often, but when I am I own up to it.”

  “I’m glad you came.” Patricia smiled. “I’m glad I got to know you better.”

  Sinclair fished out her car keys. “Me too.” She gave her a wink. “Call me if you need anything. The case…anything. Call me.”

  Patricia nodded and this time said, “I plan on it.”

  She waited until Sinclair drove away before heading back inside. She didn’t like what she was about to do or what she was about to face. Erin sat waiting on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, swaying casually. Jack was in her lap, eating up the affection. Patricia sat down on the opposite end of the couch, her insides churning.

  “She seems nice,” Erin said. “Very professional at that press conference.”

  Patricia looked at her in amazement. “She is. And yes, she was.” Why do I feel like I just got caught coming in late from a date?

  “How long have you been fucking her?”

  “What?”

  Erin turned sharply and nailed her to the couch with her eyes. “You should’ve told me.” Patricia couldn’t keep up as Erin continued, “Had I known you were seeing her, I wouldn’t have had sex with you and I probably wouldn’t have even stayed here.”

  “Mac, slow down.”

  “Slow down? Why would I want to do that when I’m just catching up?”

  “I’m not sleeping with her.”

  “She’s with the sheriff’s department, you know. Ruiz will spontaneously combust when he finds out.”

  “Mac, I’m not sleeping with her.”

  Erin shut up suddenly, finally hearing her.

  “She came over tonight to talk. As friends. She’s nice.” Her words drifted off as she recalled the kiss. “What you walked in on, that was a first-time thing.”

  Erin uncrossed her legs as if she were uncomfortable. “Then if she wasn’t the reason you want to talk, what is it?” She rubbed her hands on her denim-covered thighs, something Patricia had noticed she did when she got nervous.

  “You and I need to talk about what happened between us. It has nothing to do with anyone else.”

  “Okay.” Erin breathed deep, as if readying herself.

  “I know you’re unhappy,” Patricia said gently. “And I know what happened between us will never happen again. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I know you don’t want it to.” Erin started to shake her head but Patricia held up a hand. “Be honest, Mac. With me, with yourself.”

  Erin clasped her hands together in her lap, causing Jack to paw at them. When she wouldn’t pet him, he trotted over to Patricia and curled up against her instead.

  “I know you love Liz.”

  “Yes,” Erin whispered. “But she doesn’t want me.”

  Silence.

  “Do you love me?” Patricia needed to ask, she needed to hear. She’d hoped for so long that Erin would come to her and love her, but now she feared hearing what she already knew.

  “I do.” Erin’s eyes were full of tears. “But not like I love Liz.”

  “I know.” Patricia could feel her own eyes filling. “That’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Patricia shook her head. “Don’t be.”

  “Do you want me gone now?” She seemed so very fragile at that moment.

  “Of course not.” Patricia didn’t say what she didn’t mean. “You can stay as long as you like.”

  “But we can’t have sex again.” Erin laughed a little as she wiped her eyes.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Do you still want me?”

  Patricia studied her, taking in the delicateness of her face, the honesty of her eyes. She saw a new maturity there as well. “I’ll always wish for that something we could’ve had. But reality is what it is. Your heart belongs to someone else. I want my heart to belong to someone too.”

  She thought of Sinclair again, and warmed all over. She could just about kill Adams for hurting Erin so badly, for turning her away when she’d accepted things no other person would. When she’d risked so much and sacrificed so much to be with her. Erin’s question stuck in her mind: Do you still want me? That was really all Erin wanted, for someone to want her. Patricia was suddenly thankful Adams had turned her away. If she was involved in all this, in murder and God only knew what else, maybe she did care about Erin after all. Enough to push her away so she wouldn’t get caught up in the fallout.

  “Erin, there’s something else we need to talk about.”

  Erin looked at her. Waiting.

  “We found something on Antwon De Maro’s underwear. A bloodstain. We got mitochondrial DNA from it.” Patricia reached out and squeezed her hand. “It matches Liz.”

  Erin began shaking her head. “No.” She stood and pointed at Patricia like she was the devil himself. “No. It’s a mistake. You made a mistake!”

  “There’s no mistake, Mac. DNA doesn’t lie.”

  Erin paced, mumbling to herself. “It’s not her. Liz couldn’t do something like that. She couldn’t.” She froze. Her head whipped around to Patricia. “It’s a mitochondrial match?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s Jay.”

  Patricia sighed. “It very well could be, yes.”

  “It is. I know it is.”

  “Then we need to find Liz so we can figure this all out and clear her if she’s innocent.”

  “You mean she’s not in jail?”

  “We can’t find her. I was hoping you might know where she is.”

  Erin shook her head. “I have no idea.”

  “Is there someplace she may have mentioned before? A place she might like to go?”

  Erin’s eyes flew up to her. “She did tell me that she went to Mexico last year, to hide for a while.”

  “Which part?”

  “Cabo.”

  Patricia was about to ask more when her cell phone rang. She plucked it from her hip. Gary spoke as soon as she picked up.

  “We just got a call.”

  “Adams?”

  Erin’s eyes were fastened to her.

  “Yeah.”

  “Where?”

  “The desert, close to where De Maro was found.”

  “They have her in custody yet?”

  Gary grew quiet.

  “Hello?”

  “Yeah, they have her.”

  “Great.”

  “No, not so great,” he said without expression.

 
; “Why?”

  “She’s dead.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “What is it?” Erin’s bones felt like dry twigs, ready to snap at any sudden movement. Her blood thudded in her ears. Patricia wasn’t talking fast enough. “Is it Liz? Do they have Liz?”

  Patricia’s face had clouded over with fear, the blood draining down into her neck where the skin started to flush crimson. “I need to go.” She walked into the kitchen to retrieve her keys.

  Erin followed. “Tell me. I have to know.”

  “I can’t, Mac.”

  “You have to!”

  Patricia wouldn’t hold her eyes.

  “Why won’t you tell me?” Erin stepped in front of her, forcing her to stop. “Just tell me. All I want to know is if they have her.”

  Patricia finally looked at her. Her eyes were soft with sadness. “They think they do, yes.”

  “Okay, well, I’m coming with you, then.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I’m coming. Either in your car or behind you in mine.”

  “Mac, I want you to wait until I call you.”

  “No. I want to see her. And you know damn well she won’t talk to any of you.”

  Patricia’s face fell, her eyes so frightened and serious Erin’s skin pricked. “Mac, they’ve found a body.”

  Erin shook her head. A body? “What are you talking about? Did they find Liz with another victim?” Please God, no. It couldn’t be true. Liz wasn’t a murderer.

  Patricia was silent for several long, excruciating seconds. When she spoke again, her voice was so soft Erin barely heard. “They found a body. They think it might be Liz.”

  “No. No, no, no, no.” Erin swayed. Her head felt heavy and light at the same time. Her body seemed to have drained of everything, bones, blood, soul. All of it had rushed downward in a flash of heat and was gone. Patricia propped her up with an arm around her waist. She was holding her tight, Erin knew that, but she couldn’t feel it.

  Patricia led her to the couch. “I need to go, Mac. To make sure. I’ll call you as soon as I know.”

  “Patricia, it’s not her.” The words hardly emerged from her dry, useless mouth. Images began to fill her head. Ones of Liz lying dumped on the desert ground, pale blue eyes fixed to the sky, wide open in terror.

  “Stay here,” Patricia said gently. “I’ll be in touch soon.”

  Suddenly Erin snapped back from the fog and weight of the thought of death. “No. I’m coming with you.”

  Patricia sighed. “Mac, you know that’s impossible. Ruiz would shit, and you don’t need to be seeing…that.”

  Erin stood. “One way or another, I’m going to that scene. You can take me, or I’ll go by myself.”

  *

  They rode in silence. Erin stared out the windshield, wringing her hands in her lap. Nothing had ever felt this way before. Her fear was so intense and reality so sharp, she felt certain every cell in her body would self-destruct at the moment of confirmation. She knew it would hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. She would feel every last cell as it was sliced apart and shredded.

  “It can’t be her. It can’t be her.” She kept saying it over and over. She wouldn’t let it be her. If she wouldn’t let it, then it just couldn’t be.

  When she saw the tall, piercing portable lights, she started to cry, and suddenly she didn’t want to see. She wanted the lights to stop shining into the blackness, to stop spotlighting the reality. She wanted everyone to leave. Liz wasn’t here.

  Patricia pulled the Blazer onto the rough terrain, a big black moth heading toward the lights. Erin cried softly, wringing her hands harder and harder. Patricia offered words of comfort but she couldn’t hear over the loud throbbing fuzz in her ears. When they parked, Erin looked out in the distance and saw the yellow tarp over the hump of a body. She started to hyperventilate as she imagined Liz lying under it.

  Patricia climbed hurriedly from the truck. She rounded the front and opened Erin’s door. She hugged her fiercely, whispering roughly in her ear. “I’m going to go see. I’m going to go see. Wait here. Just wait here and breathe.”

  Erin didn’t want to let her go. She didn’t want to know. “No. Let’s just go. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do this.”

  Patricia pried away from her as a few others hurried over.

  Gary Jacobs’s face contorted in shock and disbelief. “Jesus Christ, Henderson. You brought her here?”

  “She insisted. What was I supposed to do?”

  Erin swallowed, trying to control herself. “I made her bring me.”

  Jeff Hernandez walked up and grabbed her hands. Erin started to cry again.

  “Stay with her. I’m going to go look at the body,” Patricia said.

  Jacobs went with her.

  Erin shook all over. She took off her seat belt and slid down into Jeff’s arms. He’d been a longtime friend and she couldn’t be more thankful for his friendship at that moment. He soothed her as she clung to him. Over his shoulder, she watched Patricia approach the body. Part of her wanted to look away, but another part insisted she watch.

  Cops and forensic specialists milled around them. Radios went off. More lights surged on. Erin inhaled deeply, taking it all in, eyes still on Patricia. Jacobs knelt first as Patricia spoke to two forensics people. Then she knelt beside him and he lifted the tarp.

  Erin doubled over as some midnight hair caught the light. She collapsed onto the hard-packed earth and wept. Hernandez bent with her and held her. He smelled like aftershave and felt so strong she wished she could melt into him so she could use his strength. She started to hyperventilate again, saying “no, no, no.”

  When she heard Patricia say her name, she buried herself farther into Hernandez. “No, I don’t want to know. Go away.”

  Patricia knelt next to them, the ground crunching beneath her. “Mac, it’s not her. Mac?”

  Erin felt Hernandez stiffen first. He drew back. They both stared at Patricia.

  “What?” Hernandez sounded stunned.

  “It’s not Elizabeth Adams.”

  Erin scrambled up on wobbly legs. Patricia offered a steadying arm and Erin fell into her. She cried, noisy cracked sobs of relief. Patricia stroked her hair. Erin laughed and trembled at the same time.

  “It’s not Liz,” she gasped.

  “No.” Patricia wiped Erin’s cheeks softly. She smiled, but the smile was still sad. She gripped Erin’s hand. “I think it may be her sister.”

  Panicked, Erin asked, “What?”

  Dread settled against her ribs, crushing the breath from her lungs. Liz was about to experience the same thing she’d just gone through. The pain, the sorrow, the shock. Liz might not be dead, but this surely would kill her.

  “I need you to come look,” Patricia said. “You and I are the only ones who’ve ever seen her.”

  “I don’t think I can.” Erin’s system was shocked. She could hardly stay standing.

  She glanced out over to the body. Hernandez and Stewart stood a few feet from it, shouting about something.

  “We need to be sure. So we can let Liz know when we find her.”

  Dear God, how would she get through it? Erin focused. She would have to help her. She would have to be strong for her. She breathed. “Okay.”

  Patricia gripped her arm, helping her along. As they approached the yellow hump, the other detectives stopped arguing and backed away. Erin felt her throat burn, and she began to cry deep in her chest when she first caught sight of the dead woman. She jerked and stiffened at the shock of the resemblance.

  “Are you all right?” Patricia asked from the end of a long-sounding tunnel.

  Erin nodded and looked down at the body. At Jay’s face. Her hair was thick and tousled, a dark shadow next to the brown earth. It was still short, but longer than the last time she’d seen it. Her head was turned away from them at a slight angle, her mouth open as if someone had lightly tugged on her chin with their thumb. Her eyes stared up into the night. Pale
blue and stark, as if she’d just learned the secret of the universe a second before she died. The blood at her temple had darkened and matted in her hair. Her skin was white, her lips a bruised blue.

  Erin took in her face for as long as she could, branding on her mind the fact that it was Jay and not Liz. She stared into the far-off glaze of her eyes and thought about her horrible childhood, her confused mind, and her love for her sister. She wiped away an abundance of tears.

  “She was shot?” Erin hugged herself, feeling very cold.

  “Yes.” Patricia escorted her back to the Blazer. “Looks like a suicide.”

  “The gun was in her right hand, and a note was found in her pocket all but confessing to the murders.”

  They both looked back. The tarp was pulled up to her neck as if it were a blanket warming her.

  “There was also a cross on the back of her hand.” Patricia clamped her mouth shut and cleared her throat.

  “The same one?” Erin shut her own mouth, but not before Patricia heard.

  Patricia narrowed her eyes at her. “I’m going to kill Hernandez.”

  Erin didn’t know how to respond. Patricia obviously thought Hernandez had shared private information about the murders with her. She was thinking about how to correct the wrong impression when someone shouted and a uniformed officer ran toward them from the darkened brush beyond. When he reached the light he lowered his flashlight and bent to catch his breath. He pointed back behind him with the black Maglite.

  “There’s another body. Back there a ways,” he rasped. “Get a bus. This one’s still alive.”

  Immediately everyone scrambled. Patricia reached in the Blazer for her flashlight, then hurried away. Erin followed. Hernandez, Stewart, and Jacobs were out ahead, their flashlights flickering over the shrouded desert. Voices called and Erin heard the radios crackling again, this time with an urgent request for an ambulance. Someone had turned two of the large lights and Erin squinted, disoriented by the white light and the new shadows it cast. She tripped over something as she followed the dark figures. Catching herself, she straightened and slowed her pace. Her heart felt huge in her chest. Panic seized every cell.

  What if it was Liz? The thought slammed into her and she nearly stopped walking. Ahead of her, the group formed a circle. The sense of urgency was like thick static in the air. Everyone worked together, talking, moving large branches, giving and taking orders.