by KIKI MALONE
What the fuck was he talking about?
“Babe, I’m late for my period. I’ve never been late for my period in my entire life. We haven’t used birth control in over a year. I’m sure I’m pregnant. What do you mean there will be no babies for us?” I stood up and started pacing the room. I was starting to get emotional here. I didn’t understand his vehemence.
“There will never be kids for us, is what I’m saying,” Andrew answered. “There’s no way I would ever have children with a woman set on being a man. You’re a fucking mechanic for Christ’s sake. What kind of mother would you even be?”
I needed to sit down again. What the hell was Andrew saying? Who was this man? This wasn’t the man who I planned to spend my life with.
“Andrew?” I questioned. I didn’t even know what to ask. My life was shattering, and I couldn’t fathom what this stranger in front of me was saying.
“Seriously.” He started laughing. “What in the fucking world would make you think I’d ever trust you to mother of any child of mine? I have no intentions of ever having children with you. I can’t even imagine a woman with your background being a good mother. I’d never want to put children through that. A mother needs to be soft and nurturing and all you ever do is work on fucking cars. You’re more a man sometimes than even I am. If I were gay, you’d be the perfect father figure. I had a vasectomy six months ago to ensure that we’d never be able to have children. I thought you’d get over this macho bullshit and hoped we could plan a family one day. But then you went ahead and expanded that fucking place your father died in. When I finally realized you wouldn’t ever give this shit up, I decided there was no way I’d ever take a chance of getting you pregnant.”
My heart was shattering, and Andrew was acting like this wasn’t even happening. Who was this man I married? He had always told me he supported my career and that he was proud of who I was.
“Don’t act like that, Lizzie,” Andrew continued. “I’m the man in this relationship, but you’ve been trying to emasculate me for years. If we ever had kids, I swear, they’d think you were their father and I was their mother. I couldn’t in my right mind ever think that it was okay to have children with you. I’m a man. I need to be a man. One day, maybe, if you decided to ever be a real woman, we could discuss this again and I could have the procedure reversed. But right now, hell no. There’s no way we’re having any children. Besides, you love your job and your business. You’d never have time to be a mother, and I’d be damned if I would ever let someone else raise our children. A woman’s place is at home, taking care of the kids, taking care of her husband. I never really liked that I was raised by nannies and wished my mother would have done her job as a mother. I expect the woman I have children with to be a full-time mother, something you obviously will never have the desire to be. I’ve accepted our fate, it’s about time you do, too.”
“What the fuck?” I finally found my voice. “If this was how you felt, why the fuck did you marry me in the first place, Drew? You knew my dream of having a family. You made me believe that you had the same dreams. How the fuck are you saying this now, when it’s highly possible I could be pregnant? I haven’t had a fucking period in six weeks, what the fuck else could it be? You don’t want to have children with me, fine. Get the fuck out! If I am, indeed, pregnant, you can just fuck right the fuck off. I don’t need you. I can raise this baby or any baby in my future alone.”
I was fuming. Who the fuck did this man think he was? How did I not see his ways all of these years? Please, Lord, help me here.
“There’s no fucking way you can be pregnant, Lizzie. I told you this. I had a vasectomy. I was guaranteed you couldn’t get pregnant. So, unless you have something else to tell me, there’s no way you could be having my child.”
“Are you fucking serious? How else would I have gotten pregnant?”
“Maybe you fucked someone else,” Andrew stated with a shrug of his shoulders, like it’s the most likely answer possible.
“What?” I yelled. I swear I just heard myself shriek. “How the fuck dare you even suggest something like that?”
This man had lost his ever-fucking loving mind.
“I can’t have kids, Lizzie,” he stated. “How unclear is that? I had that possibility destroyed. If you are pregnant, there’s no way in hell it’s my child.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me? Get the fuck out!” I yelled. I needed time to process all this new information. I also needed to figure out - if this man did have this procedure as he claimed - what the fuck was wrong with me. I’d had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I hadn’t had a period in over a month, something had to be wrong with me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Andrew stated as if everything that had just happened, didn’t.
“I told you to get the fuck out of my house,” I stated, trying to stay as calm as possible. “This is my house; I own it free and clear of our marriage, so you need to leave. Please, Drew, just leave. I really don’t need you to be here right now. I need to process.”
I tried with everything in me to be as calm as I possibly could. This man that I married had just taken everything I believed we were and destroyed it. I had thought this was the rest of my life, but obviously, I had been mistaken. There’s so much running through my mind that if I didn’t have time alone, I didn’t think I could be responsible for my actions. I didn’t look good in orange after all.
“Fine,” Andrew finally conceded. “Call me when you’re feeling better and I can come home. I’ve had a long day and need to sleep. Once you calm down enough, we can go to bed.”
I tried my damnedest not to reply. I seriously thought about changing my favorite color. If this man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, didn’t walk out the door, I would have to go to jail, or on the run. Both were very strong possibilities.
After Andrew left, I decided to do some research. Andrew said he had a vasectomy so we couldn’t have children, but I didn’t want to think something else could have been wrong with me. I truly hadn’t had a period in six weeks and was scared what all that could mean. If he couldn’t have children, something had to be wrong with my body. My mind reeled with so many different scenarios, that I scared myself. This couldn’t be happening to me. I had too much to live for. Too much of a life to live. Too many people who loved and needed me.
Okay, so I might not have that many people but I was sure Angie and Alfie would miss me and did need me around.
Hours go by and I was not a fan of WebMD. If my symptoms were correct, I was either really pregnant, dying of cancer, or my body was tricking me into a phantom pregnancy. I was betting on the latter because of how much I’d always wanted to be a mother. I decided then and there, that even if the tests were negative, I was going to make an appointment with my OB-Gyn. Hell, even if the tests were positive, I would still need to make an appointment to make sure everything was okay.
Going into the bathroom, I gathered my courage. No matter the results, I would be fine, I tried to convince myself. I did what I needed to do and set a timer on my phone. I couldn’t stay in this bathroom and wait.
I went to the kitchen and went to pour myself a drink. I stopped myself before the first drop hit the glass. If a miracle occurred and I was actually pregnant, I couldn’t drink alcohol and take any risks where my baby was concerned.
I stood at the counter and watched my phone. I swore this was like watching a pot trying to boil water. You know that saying ‘a watched pot never boils’? Yeah, that’s how I felt about time going by as I waited to read the results of the test.
When my phone alerted me that it was time to check the test, I grabbed my stomach and said a little prayer. I could do this alone if I got my miracle. I wouldn’t let Andrew get me down. I’d be an amazing mother; I knew I would.
I walked into my bathroom with my eyes closed. I knew it was silly but I didn’t want to see the results before I was ready.
I come out of my memory and wipe my eyes.
The pain is still so real; I feel it like it just happened yesterday. I can’t believe what I let that asshole put me through. What I allowed to happen. That I never saw his lies and betrayal. I was so happy when I believed he wanted the same things I did, but when I learned of his lies and deceit, it devastated me. The signs were there, I’m sure, but I was too blind to see them. That’s what love does to you; it blinds you from the things that should be so clear.
And I did love him, that’s one thing I’ll never deny. He was a part of my heart. He may still be, but now he’s the black hole part of it that’ll never go away.
I conceded to the knowledge that I would never be able to have children of my own and hoped that one day, maybe, I’d adopt a few children who deserved a mother to care for them. There are so many babies in this world who are unwanted and have been given up. So many children grow up in the foster system, believing no one ever wants them.
I vowed to be someone who would show a child or two that they were more than they thought they were. That they meant something to someone. They were loved, and most of all worthy of love.
So many children grow up not knowing what real love is. I’d like to think I can make a difference, eventually, in one of their lives.
Now, I’ve been offered the chance of a lifetime. My dreams have a chance of coming to fruition. I have the chance to be the mother to three beautiful girls and I’m doubting my ability to do so. The dream I’ve held in my heart since before I can remember.
I mean, I don’t really know them. I don’t really know their father. I seriously doubt my ability to be able to be the person they need me to be. But that’s what I was expecting to do anyway, wasn’t it? Love children and earn their trust when they didn’t know the first thing about me. To love a child who wasn’t mine by blood but taken over by heart.
Then again, do I want to give up this dream and allow those girls to possibly be raised by that vile creature they have for their mother? Now that Carter told me all about her, I know I would never trust those girls to be raised by her.
Can I just give myself up to be a wife and a mother in the drop of a hat? Was I worthy enough to become the mother those three girls needed? Was I ready to leave my current life behind on a whim?
Those were the questions I really needed to ask myself. The questions, I already knew with every fiber of my being that I already knew the answers.
Now, it was just time I accepted my fate and did what I knew needed to be done.
CHAPTER TWENTY
CARTER
THE WEDDING
THREE WEEKS LATER
I KNOW they talk about pre-wedding jitters all the time, but I knew my anxiety had to be even worse than what they meant.
I was marrying a woman who was pretty much a stranger and bringing her into my girls’ lives. I was committing myself to someone I didn’t know anything about.
Sure, Elizabeth and I had spent some time together in these last few weeks, preparing for the changes our lives were going to take. We needed everything to look as real as possible to everyone around us. Only our closest friends knew what the real situation was, the whole two of them. It was a little crazy that the both of us were so guarded and each only had one person they were close to. I knew Mikael well enough that he would never do anything to hurt us, but I wasn’t so sure about Elizabeth’s friend Angela. She said she trusted her with everything and there were reasons, but she wasn’t at liberty to tell me. It was Angela’s story and if one day she wanted to share it with me, then I would be honored.
My girls are so excited to be Elizabeth’s flower girls. They already love her. They ask for her every day.
Elizabeth and I decided that she would not move in until we were officially married. At first, we were planning a fake marriage, but Elizabeth had a clearer head than I. She thought it was too risky and would be too costly if we were caught.
So, now, here I am, standing in a little church in our town just a few weeks after my proposal. I was finally getting the church wedding I wanted. I just hoped that God didn’t strike me down for making a mockery of his house.
Elizabeth has done everything to make this marriage look as real as possible. She wanted to make sure we had enough for the courts to make it all believable.
I stand here, waiting, sweat running down my back under my tux.
“Stop fidgeting,” Mikael says behind me.
“I can’t,” I whisper back. “This isn’t a mistake, right?”
Mikael doesn’t answer. He knows I really don’t want his answer. He’s already told me how he feels about my marriage but is here with me and standing by my side in my decision. He, like me, only wants what is best for my family. It would destroy him as much as it would destroy me if I were ever to lose the girls to that incubator.
The music starts, and I look toward the closed doors. I know that at any moment, Elizabeth will head down the aisle with my three girls attached to her side. Elizabeth decided that all four of them would walk together instead of one at a time. She thought it would show how united she was with the girls. I happened to agree.
The doors open, and my breath gets caught in my chest. The sight before me is surreal.
Elizabeth’s beauty is unbelievable.
I have definitely chosen wisely, but I have to remember to keep myself in line. This isn’t a marriage out of love, but out of necessity.
Elizabeth has dressed my girls to look exactly like her. All four of them are in the same dress, but different sizes. Their hair is all the same and they are carrying the same bouquets. I don’t think the photographer we hired will be able to do them any justice, to capture how beautiful this picture really is.
The girls start walking down the aisle and I see my girls counting as they take their steps. They have practiced walking down make-believe aisles ever since Elizabeth and I told them we were getting married. Good thing they are so young as they never found it strange I was marrying her after knowing her just a few weeks.
As the girls get closer to the altar, I chuckle. All four of them are in boots. Not shoes. And it’s absolutely adorable.
Sofia, getting tired of waiting, breaks away from the others and comes running up to me. I lean down and snatch her up as soon as she reaches the front and smother her with kisses.
“Hi, Daddy,” she yells excitedly.
“Hi Sofie Girl. You were supposed to wait and walk with Elizabeth, Felicia and Isabella,” I mockingly scold her.
“I couldn’t wait to get here,” she fake whines. “It was taking just forever!”
I chuckle at that.
“Okay, Sofie Girl, you just stand here, next to Uncle Mik and let’s wait for the others,” I tell her as I put her down.
I look back down to where my bride is still walking with Felicia and Isabella. She’s giggling herself, now holding their hands so that they also don’t run up to the altar.
I’m still in awe of how she keeps my girls in place. She clearly has a love for them and they love her the same.
“Hi,” she says when she finally reaches me.
“Hi,” I return. I’m literally speechless at the moment.
“Hi, Daddy, we maked it!” Isabella yells, awe and excitement riddling her sweet voice.
I lean down and kiss her on her head and do the same with Felicia, who is looking unsure of herself.
I lower to one knee in front of her, “What’s the matter Felicia?”
“Did I do it all right?” she whispers for only me to hear. “I didn’t remember the routine like Isabella, and Sofia ranned away so I was scared.”
“You did perfect, Licia,” I reassure her and give her a hug.
When I stand, Elizabeth has a smile on her face.
“Are you ready?” she asks.
“Yes, let’s do this,” I answer.
ELIZABETH
I can’t believe I’m marrying Carter. I can’t believe I said yes to all of this. I’ve known this man for a month, max, and here I am, today, marrying him and becoming a m
other figure to his children.
Sofia, Isabella and Felicia look so adorable in their dresses. I wanted all of us to match so no one would feel left out or different.
I know we are all individuals but when the girls saw that their dresses looked just like mine, they were excited that they were marrying their daddy just like me. I didn’t have the heart to correct them. They were, in a sense, marrying me not their dad. I was the one being added to their family, not the other way around.
As we walk down the aisle, Sofia gets impatient and runs down to Carter. That makes me stumble in my step and stop. Just seeing how excited she is and how he makes sure to take care of her does something to my heart. After he puts her back down, I grab onto the other girls’ hands and continue our walk.
When we get to the altar, Carter kneels down to say something to Felicia. He apparently sees something in her demeanor that I had missed. When she finally smiles at him and he stands back up, I know I can’t turn back. We need to give these girls everything they didn’t know they were missing.
I stare into Carter’s eyes the entire time the minister speaks. I repeat all the words he tells me to speak. I watch in awe as Carter slips the ring he’s purchased on my finger. I hadn’t seen it before today as he wanted it to be a surprise, but apparently, he knew my style to perfection. It was all me.
Different, yet elegant and the stone, not a typical diamond like so many others. It was two rings that matched each other. The wedding band separate but the same as the other. The entire set is unique. A style I didn’t know existed. It isn’t even a gold or silver ring. It is black with blue stones. The whole thing has an elegance to it that I didn’t realize existed. The rings are some kind of metal and woven in a way I didn’t know was possible. It appears to be a lace weave and looks both gothic and vintage.
When I look at him in surprise, he simply states, “I never got you an engagement ring.” It’s just that simple to him. I don’t have time to say anything else as the minister pronounces us husband and wife.