by Julia Mills
Lola: A 'Not-Quite' Witchy Love Story: Magic and Mayhem Universe
The 'Not-Quite' Love Story Series
Julia Mills
Published by Julia Mills, 2018.
Copyright © 2018 by Julia Mills
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.
This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.
The Author of this Book has been granted permission by Robyn Peterman to use the copyrighted characters and/or worlds created by Robyn Peterman in this book. All copyright protection to the original characters and/or worlds of the Magic and Mayhem series is retained by Robyn Peterman.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Cover by Linda Boulanger with Tell Tale Book Covers
Edited by Lisa Miller
Proofread by Tammy Payne with Book Nook Nuts
Beta Read by Lyn Hamilton
Formatted by Charlene Bauer with Wickedly Bold Creations
DEDICATION
Dare to Dream! Find the Strength to Act! Never Look Back!
Thank you, God.
To my girls, Liz and Em, I Love You. Every day, every way, always.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FOREWARD
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
MAYHEM AND MAGIC
ABOUT JULIA
ALSO BY JULIA MILLS
Foreward
Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!
I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.
What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?
Well, let me explain...
It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you...the results are hilarious!
So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!
For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!
Chapter One
“Did that sign seriously say Assjacket? Are you sure we shouldn’t have turned left instead of right at the Gates of Hell?” Heidi growled, obviously getting more nervous and infinitely more frustrated with every mile we traveled. “I don’t remember Zelda saying anything about Assjacket.” She pounded her hand on the steering wheel “Wasn’t it Asscrack? I swear she said Asscrack.” My favorite Hellhound reached into the passenger seat, shuffled through her papers, and grumbled rather vehemently about pushy alter egos and pain in the ass witches.
“Yes, I’m sure. I may only be a voice in your head but I took meticulous notes. Zelda was quite clear that she couldn’t remember the real name of the town but that her name for it was Assjacket or Asscrack and that was what the signs she’d leave for us would say.” I sighed. “This is, after all, my one and only chance to get the frick out of your head and into a flesh bag of my own. Do you really think I’d screw this up? Puleeeaasseeee, Mrs. Hunky Hellhound, has all that sex and having them pups addled your brain?”
Yeah, sure, I was being a bitch, it was my go-to setting after all, but Heidi was being overly cautious. I was nervous and time was wasting and my bestie, who usually jumped first and asked questions later, was acting like an old grandma trying to cross the street without a boy scout. “Besides, Zelda told us everything in this little backwater town was bespelled to look like a dump so the humans would drive right through, remember?” I was getting louder by the syllable but unable to stop my frustration now that I had opened the bag. “You’re not human so you can see through it if you’d just open your damned eyes and look.”
“All right, Lola, damn. Take a chill pill. This is huge for both of us. I need to make sure I get home to Hunter and the kids in one piece. Excuse me for being overly cautious. I have responsibilities to the people I love.”
“I’ll excuse you when I can zap your ass with my mighty, mighty magic,” I sighed under my breath.
“I heard that, slut.”
“Meant for you to, harlot.”
I guess I should stop right here and explain. First of all, my name is Lola. No last name; just Lola, like Madonna and Cher – at least in my dreams. I’m the super sexy alter ego of Heidi, the not-quite Hellhound. For thirty-some odd years, I’ve been the voice of fun and irreverence in the head of a self-obsessed, materialistic, arrogant lawyer otherwise known as Heidi Schwartz. My poor dear had her soul sold to the devil by her bitch of a mother, was squished by the number ten bus, ended up in Hell as a flea-ridden, butt-sniffing daughter of Cerberus, but in the end, found her happily ever after with hunky Hellhound Hunter and also became the not-quite Hellhound of legend who has the power to overthrow Lucifer and run Hell. (Let me add that she abdicated her throne to the King of Hell as long as he behaves himself. While I understand her reasons, I would’ve at least played the part for a month or two just for the perks. I mean, come on, Queen of Hell. Can you imagine the fun? Yeah, you see what I mean. I even have a list. Be nice and I might show you.)
I know you’re thinking it sounds like I should be happy living in such a powerful chick, but let me stop you right there. While I have enjoyed living vicariously through my girl, Heidi, it is nothing compared to what I know I can do if given my own body. I have, after all, learned a lot riding bitch with one helluva lawyer and a kick ass not-quite Hellhound, and I think it’s time I try it on my own. Besides, Heidi and Hunter are in love—like seriously, sickeningly, happily-ever-afterly in L-O-V-E. For a fun-loving chick like me, it’s nauseating at the best of times and absolutely intolerable every other second of every day.
For instance, my girl recently gave birth to a litter...I mean set of sextuplets of the cutest little soon to be Hellhound Shifters in all of Hell, which seriously put a crimp in our relationship. Now that she’s a mate and a mother, Heidi is simply no longer any fun. At. All. She is obsessed with diapers and teething, sippy cups and educational toys, hair bows and matching outfits, and just all things cute and cuddly. *shiver*. What’s even worse is that with all her new-found power, the bitch is able to lock me away...shut me up...ignore *gasp* me.
Now, I ask you, is that fair? If she was honest with herself, Heidi would realize that I’m responsible for ninety-nine percent of all the fun she’s ever had. I’m the reason she stripped down to her skivvies at the office Christmas party and made out with the boss, which resulted in her first promotion. The one who made her try her first quad shot, no foam, caramel macchiato and asiago bagels, which she cannot live without, kids or no. It is I who fueled her love of all things Prada, Jimmy Choo, and Hermes. I made her take her first taste of Cristal and put her first dollop of Dean & Deluca Imperial Gold Caviar on a blini. Hell, it was your girl, Lola here, who egged Heidi the frump into slipping her first Louis Vuitton bag onto her arm, which became her favorite bag and led to a collection worthy
of Paris Hilton. Dammit all...I. Am. Amazing. So, I ask you, why would she not want to hang with me twenty-four seven?
“Because she has responsibilities - a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and no time for an alter-ego who just wants to party and have sex all the time.” Heidi grumbled. “And remember, we share a brain. I can hear everything you’re saying.”
“Sorry, stick-in-the-mud. I’ll try to keep it down.”
Guess, I better hurry this up. I’ll try whispering. There, can you still hear me? Okay, good. So, now you see what I’m dealing with, which leads me to the reason for a trip out of Hell and into West Virginia. Hunter, Heidi’s hunky Hellhound, has three crazy-ass aunties who just happen to be witches and are the reason for my aversion to all things witchy in nature. Anyway, they saw the discord between Heidi and myself and mentioned Zelda, a super witch, who is next in line to be the Baba Yaga, the leader of all witches everywhere and the Almighty Shifter Wanker, the one person in all the world who can cure any Shifter of anything.
Anyway, they said this Zelda chickie might be able to separate us, thus ending the fighting and feuding. Can you imagine? Me, Lola, out of Heidi? Running amok in the world? Having my own sex? Owning my own Prada and rocking my own Christian Louboutins? I was giddy at the prospect. It was something I had never considered, but when presented with the option, I literally jumped for frikkin’ joy, put on my favorite feather boa, and danced like no one was watching, because...well...they weren’t and can’t, HA! So, I badgered Heidi until she called this Super Witch/Shifter Wanker and got the deets.
Their conversation took over an hour, in which Heidi the Hoebag hardly asked a tenth of the questions I was screaming in her psyche but, in the end, said enough that Zelda agreed to see us. The Super Witch said something about it being her duty to help all Shifters in need and gave us directions to her office in a town she called Asscrack and then later, Assjacket, WV. I admit to being very wary of witches after dealing with Hunter’s aunties, but this Super Witch/Shifter Wanker sounded almost normal, cursed like a sailor, and mentioned her love of Prada, so I figured we might even be soul sisters and quickly agreed.
She explained that we had called at the perfect time because an empty body in need of a soul had just found its way to her front door. Thankfully, Zelda quickly explained that said body was not a zombie but the byproduct of a spell gone awry. I thought about prying for more details but then decided I truly didn’t want to know. There was an empty body. I needed a body. Seemed like kismet. And...I was gonna get to be magical in the process. What a deal!
It took a week, but I finally got Heidi and Hunter on board. After days and days and days of preparation - you would not believe what it takes to get one hunky Hellhound mate and six puppi...I mean babies, ready to be without their momma for a week. Oy vey! I thought it would never end but eventually, we loaded the Lady Bug Express; Heidi’s cherry-red VW beetle adorned with large black spots all over its body, false eyelash shields on its headlights, a personalized license plate that read LDYBUG and a huge pink carnation adorning the gear shift. I have to admit to feeling sorry for my girl. The Lady Bug Express didn’t fit her kick-ass, black leather wearing Hellhound persona, but it was given to her by Hunter’s Auntie Cassie, the sweetest of the three witch bitches, and therefore, my girl was beholden to drive it on the few occasions she needed a vehicle.
Now, you’re all caught up. Any questions? Okay, good, cause I’m not sure I have the answers anyway. Back to our regularly scheduled argument featuring myself and Heidi the Hoebag.
“But I can still hear you. Trust me, my crazy-bitch-voice-in-my-head, I can always hear, everything, all the time and...”
“That’s enough, Heidi the hole-sniffing Hellhound. Just drive. If we want any shit outta you...”
“Whatever, Lola. Why don’t you tell them about the time...?”
“Why don’t you drive, furball? Turn! Turn! Dammit Turn! You’re gonna miss the turn!” I screamed, pointing at the sign that said Asscrack Next Right.
“I’m turning, slut, I’m turning. How about you keep the volume down? You’re about to give me brain damage.”
“Brain damage, huh? Just wait until I have my own body and shiny new wand. You’ll wish for brain damage, you mangy piece of doggie doo.”
Now you see what I’ve been dealing with for thirty-some years. Is it any wonder I want out? And guess what? Heidi missed the turn.
“Shut. Up. Lola.”
“We can’t get to Asscrack fast enough...”
Chapter Two
After we turned around and found the right turnoff, Heidi and I continued to bicker, reaching new heights of insults, until we drove into the beautiful town of Asscrack, West Virginia. My eyes, well Heidi’s eyes, were immediately assaulted with the sight of dilapidated buildings, pothole-covered streets, brown lawns, and dead flowers that, after blinking several times and putting on our supernatural-vision, we saw was all part of the massive sleight of hand the Shifters and their leader, Mac—Zelda’s mate and the King of the Shifters—had painted upon their town.
We hung a right at the first street and followed a tiny dirt road to a large wooden sign with the words OFFICE OF THE SHIFTER WANKER, Walk-ins Welcome. Heidi parked the Lady Bug Express and after several long minutes of talking to herself, me, and Hunter, she finally hauled her cookies out of the car and slowly walked toward the cute little log cabin with wraparound porch, complete with rocking chairs and a welcome mat.
“Knock on the door, numbnuts. Whatcha waitin’ on? I’m growing old in here,” I nearly screamed. I knew I needed to be patient, but my girl was dragging her feet.
“I swear to the devil, if you don’t shut the hell up and give me a minute, I will get right back in that stupid car and head south. I’m sure Lucifer or one of the aunts has a way to zap you from existence and I’ve half a mind to make it so.” Heidi was growling under her breath while standing at the door to the Shifter Wanker’s office with her knuckles about an inch from knocking. Any other disembodied voice would’ve shut up and waited but not me...I just had to let it rip.
“If there was another way to get rid of me, you would’ve done it a long time ago. Buck up, buttercup, because this is the best we’re gonna get. Quit your bitching and belly-aching and get to getting, cause if you really did have half a mind, you would be dancing a jig and planning all the ways you were gonna celebrate being rid of me. Satan knows that’s what I’m doin’, sista.”
Pounding on the door, Heidi growled through gritted teeth, “I swear to everything evil, if anything happens to me I will have Zelda zap your ass back to Hell where you will be the personal slop maid to the trolls and ogres.”
The Hellhound presently carting me around in her psyche had just finished bitching when a gorgeous green-eyed redhead opened the door, took one look at the grimace on my girl’s face, and said, “I’m guessing you’re Heidi. Come on...”
She never got to finish what she was saying because the poor thing was damn near knocked on her butt by three of the biggest, ugliest cats I’d ever seen, who pushed her out of the way and sat staring. The biggest of the brood was gray with a white tummy and spoke like a thug from the backstreets of New York when he asked, “What youse doin’ here?”
Thankfully, Heidi, who was no longer freaked by talking animals, took the interruption in stride and said, “We’re here for Zelda’s help.” She stuck out her hand and added, “I’m Heidi, a Hellhound Shifter with an alter ego that won’t shut up.”
The fat cat nodded, slapped Heidi’s hand with a feline high five, and said, “Name’s Fat Bastard.” Then with his paw, he pointed at the white cat with gray splotches who looked like he would enjoy tearing my girl’s face off, and said, “This here’s Boba Fett. Don’t get too close. He’s not the friendliest cuss.”
Laughing like he’d told a really funny joke, Fat Bastard went on, “And this here’s Jango Fett.” The calico cat with a double chin and a belly to match nodded his head and gave a little salute while Fat Bastard adde
d, “We just needs to check you out, you understands, right?”
“Yeah, I understand,” Heidi chuckled, to which I said, “Tell the mangy hairballs to scram. We need to see Zelda and make with the hocus pocus.”
Speaking of said Shifter Wanker, she shooed the feline freaks out the door and invited Heidi in while explaining, “Sorry about that. They are my familiars. I inherited them from my Aunt Hildy when she passed and well, they are pains in the ass, but they’re my pains in the ass, ya know what I mean?”
“I do,” Heidi agreed while mentally comparing me to those flea-ridden felines.
“What the hell, Heidi? Really?” I huffed. “Whatever, byotch. You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”
Completely ignoring me, Heidi asked, “So, exactly what does this whole getting Lola outta Heidi thing entail?”
“Come on in and have some coffee. I’ll explain it all to you and we can go from there, okay?”
“Works for me,” Heidi agreed, which pissed me off, but since I was still a passenger and being ignored, I sat and pouted while detailing all the ways I would make her pay once I was free and in my own body.
Finally, after the ladies chatted about mates and children, hair styles and purses, and everything else under the sun, they got down to the business of sucking me from Heidi’s brain and stuffing me into the witch’s body I had yet to lay eyes on. I hardly listened as Zelda led my favorite Hellhound into the back part of her office and asked her to take a seat on the most beautiful golden brocade chair I’d ever seen.
Unable to hold my excitement, I squealed, “Ask her if this is Prada. It’s got to be Prada or maybe Hermes. Could be both. Damn, isn’t it beautiful?”
“She doesn’t have to ask, Lola, I can hear you,” Zelda chuckled. “And you are right. It is a gorgeous combination of Prada and Hermes procured by my dad. You have a good eye.”
“See, Heidi, I have a good eye.”