by Julia Mills
“Yeah, I know you do, and when I was topside I had the credit card bill to prove it.”
“Like you didn’t enjoy every single purchase.” I scowled. “Go on, just try to tell me you didn’t.”
Zelda laughed out loud while Heidi had the good sense to agree and snickered, “I give. You’re right, Lola. You do have the best taste when it comes to dressing other people.”
“I hear a but coming and I don’t like it, fleabag. Are you really gonna insult me during our last few minutes together?” Yeah, I resorted to pouting, whining, and making her feel bad just to squeeze out one more compliment while I could. Do you blame me?
“No but, Lola, no but at all. You got it all, girl.”
I know Heidi was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear, but I took the praise as a win and moved on just in time to hear Zelda say, “And behind this door, we have your body, Miss Lola.”
Holding my breath, I almost lost consciousness when the Shifter Wanker opened the door in the corner of her office and out walked a curvy brunette with big green eyes wearing the cutest little black dress I’d ever seen. It was a little disconcerting that she stood there like a life-size blowup doll, but I knew I would soon be filling the empty space with style and rocking her curves like Beyoncé at the Super Bowl, so I took it all in stride.
“Do you see that shit, Heidi? I’m gonna be gorgeous.”
“You know, Lola, it’s your humility that I’ll miss the most,” Heidi said with an eye roll that made me punch the inside of her temple just for shits and giggles.
“I’m glad to hear you approve,” Zelda snickered. “Cause it’s the only spare body I’ve got laying around.”
“Thank Satan, you had this one,” Heidi laughed.
Zelda led my new body to stand beside my favorite Hellhound while explaining, “I had to talk to Carol, the present Baba Yaga, and also the Goddess, but they agreed it was good use of this husk, so here we are.” She handed Heidi the empty body’s hand. “Hold onto that while I get this spell going.”
Electricity filled the air. Bubbles and sparkles, every color in the rainbow and then some, splashed and sparkled as mini-fireworks bounced off the ends of Zelda’s fingers and her red curls lifted from her shoulders, surrounding her like a mystical cloud of energy and power. With her eyes closed, the most powerful witch I’d ever seen and one hell of a Healer from what I was feeling, began to chant.
“Almighty Goddess, hear our pleas.
Lola wants out, she’s tired of fucking fleas.
Let her rock this new body. Let her swerve with her curves.
Watch out world, this loud-mouth chick is sure to get on your nerves.”
I was just about to explain that I did not appreciate being called loud-mouth nor the implication that I could annoy anyone when I was swept up in a whirlwind of rainbow bubbles and my vision filled with flashes of light like the fireworks on Halloween in Hell. Flying through Heidi’s head was an experience I had never expected but, then again, I’d never thought to be free.
Twirling and swirling, I felt like my bagel and coffee from earlier were about to make a scary reappearance when I was sucked into a tube the size of a Clinique lip gloss, tossed upside down, and shaken like James Bond’s martini then dumped into a vast, hollow darkness that reminded me of the Grim Reaper’s cave in the bowels of Hell. With barely time to catch a breath, I was pulled and stretched, tugged and twisted, and drawn and quartered until I had no doubt what the saltwater taffy on the Jersey Boardwalk felt like.
My eyes watered. My joints stung. My muscles burned and my bones felt like they’d been glued back together by a pack of chimps with a dry glue stick. When the world stopped spinning and I was sure my breakfast would stay down, I cracked open one eye and immediately slammed it shut, screaming, “WHAT THE HELL?!”
“Open your eyes, you big baby. Take a look.”
I jumped at the sound of Heidi’s voice coming from somewhere outside my body, tripped over my new feet, and landed ass over teakettle on what felt like the biggest pair of cowboy boots ever created. Raising my lids just enough to see out, I followed a pair of the longest denim-covered legs I’d ever seen to a flannel shirt that was filled out to perfection and ending with a gorgeous male face sporting a goofy grin and sparkling blue eyes.
“I’m guessing you’re Lola?” His deep voice filled the air in the room with warmth and a kind of homey feel as he slid his hands under my arms, hauled my embarrassed ass up off the floor, and deposited me on Zelda’s odd-shaped couch then pulled the Shifter Wanker tight to his side and added, “I’m Mac, Zelda’s mate.”
While I had to swallow all the lude comments floating around my brain, praying the powerful witch who had just sucked me from the Hellhound and stuck me in what I hoped was still a hot bod hadn’t caught the naughty thoughts I had about her mate, I quickly said, “Thank you,” to Mac and then to Zelda, “Did it work? Am I free?”
My hands (yes, thank Satan, I had hands) slapped onto my face a second before Heidi said, “Look, dumbass, I’ve got a mirror. What the hell are you doing? Playing hide-n-seek?”
Dropping my hands and sticking out my tongue, (Which by the way I was already making plans for) I gasped, “Holy shit on a goblin’s goober, I’m a hottie.”
The others burst out laughing as I carefully stood, got my balance, and began to look at my new curves. Turning one way and then another, I had to say I was quite the foxy chick. Looking up at Heidi, I smiled. I knew I should think of something poetic and worthy of the moment to say, but just as I opened my mouth to speak, in ran four chipmunks, all smacking on what smelled like watermelon Bubblicious. The one leading the pack stood on its hind legs and yelled, “Holyshitwhatdidyoudotheresapackofwitchestearingdownmainstreetlookngfortheirsister.”
“Mother humpin’ son of a biscuit-eater,” Zelda cursed. “Those nasty bitches left her body for dead. Now, they come back? Fudge that crap! I’m calling Carol!”
Now, I had no idea who Carol was, but if Zelda needed back up then I was hitting the deck.
Chapter Three
While Zelda yelled, Heidi and Mac prepared for battle and I hid. Huddled behind the couch with the three ugly cats who’d run in behind the four crazy chipmunks, I attempted to stay hidden while everything furry was trying to use my beautifully rounded ass for cover. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any crazier, the atmosphere in the room filled with glowing blue smoke and glittering purple bubbles that swirled around a multi-colored disco ball hanging from the ceiling fan as Madonna’s Material Girl echoed so loudly the windows shook.
Peeking around the corner of the couch, my newly acquired eyes nearly popped out of my head when a tall blonde wearing electric blue eye shadow, pink blush, and magenta lipstick, who looked about thirty-five, appeared out of thin air. It took a second but as my eyes focused, I literally gasped at her fuschia leggings, color-block off-the-shoulder t-shirt with a lime green wide leather belt, combat boots, and every imaginable color of rubber bracelets stacked from her wrists up her forearms. It almost overshadowed her teased and sprayed bangs that made me think of the saying – the higher the hair, the closer to heaven. I silently hoped no one struck a match within a mile radius, because I had no doubt the amount of AquaNet holding the newcomer’s do in place would set off an explosion not unlike a block of C4.
Thankfully, Zelda was not surprised by the person standing in her office and walked toward the pretty blonde, giving her an air kiss as she said, “Thanks for coming, Carol. These are the ones I told you about. They left the empty body roaming around Assjacket then ignored all my calls.”
Turning toward the rest of us, the redheaded witch added, “Everybody, this is the Baba Yaga, also known as Carol, my dad’s girlfriend,” she visibly shuddered making me bite the inside of my lips to keep from laughing out loud, “and my mentor.”
Zeroing in on me, Carol, aka Baba Yaga, the most powerful and scariest witch in the Universe, who I now technically answered to, crooked her finger and trilled, �
��Come here, my new little witchy poo.”
Slowly getting to my feet because (a) I wasn’t very good at the whole moving thing yet... arms and legs are a lot harder to coordinate than they look, and (b) Carol scared the living shit outta me, I closed the distance between us. I admit that I prayed to the Goddess, because that’s who I heard Zelda praying to and since I was now a witch I figured I better get used to it, and also Satan because, well...that’s who Heidi had been talking to since our arrival in the Pits and I figured covering all my bases couldn’t hurt.
The minute the Baba Yaga’s long red nails touched my arm, goosebumps rose all over my body as a wave of her magic rolled over me. Thankfully, Heidi caught me as I stumbled back from the force, helping me avoid another show of my extreme ungracefulness as Carol announced, “Yep, there’s only one soul in there. Those bitches are barking up the wrong tree. Let me go handle this.”
In the blink of an eye, Carol and Zelda were out the door with Mac bringing up the rear while Heidi and I looked through the screen door with an alarming number of cats and chipmunks at our feet. From one second to the next, the chipmunks changed from their furry selves to short, dumpy men who looked so much alike there was no denying they were brothers and the one who sounded like he had marbles in his mouth that they called Chuck, who spoke so fast it all ran together said, “Ohmygodessthealmightyshifterwankerzeldaisgonnagetblowedup.”
“Naw, she’s nots gonna gets blowed up,” the white cat with gray splotches snorted. “But those bitches whats flying toward her and the Baba Yaga just might.”
The grey cat with the white tummy was cleaning his manly bits as he said, “Yeah, those witches ain’t the brightest bulbs in the pack. Youse would thinks they would knows better.”
Shaking my head, I whispered to Heidi, “And I thought Hell was a trip. This place is nucking futs, dude. How long until we can jump back in the Lady Bug Express and head south?”
“I’m thinkin’ we’re not going anywhere anytime soon,” Heidi mumbled, wide-eyed and watching as Zelda’s hair floated around her head as magic filled the air and the Baba Yaga’s voice sounded low and ominous.
“All right, Sabrina and the teenage witches, stop your shit right there.”
It was hard not to laugh out loud when the posse of short curvy witches actually got close enough to see who it was they were declaring war against. Their overly made up eyes were as big as saucers while their lip gloss laden mouths hung open as they all but fell out of the air at just one glimpse of the one and only Baba Yaga, their leader and the most powerful witch in the world, standing in the middle of the street.
The one with cornrows whispered, “Son of a monkey’s ass, that’s...that’s...”
“Yeah and the other one is the Almighty Shifter Wanker and next Baba Yaga,” gasped blondie with her hair wrapped in tight buns on either side of her head.
Hiding behind her sisters, the shortest of the crew, whose red hair was cut in a pixie highlighting her big, innocent-looking brown eyes, said, “And is that Mac, the King of the Shifters? He’s one big son of a...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, girlie. No dissing my mate,” Zelda shook her finger as it sparked and sputtered with her barely contained magic.
“We...” the little witches started to explain only to have Carol wave her hand, causing bright shiny duct tape to appear over all their mouths.
“You, nothing, you little shits. I’m asking the questions here. What the hell are you doing busting into town like you own the place? And raise your hands one at a time to answer.” The Baba Yaga’s voice rang clear with barely contained violence that matched the glowing florescent green bubbles fizzing and popping all around her head.
Cornrowed baby witch raised her hand. Carol snapped her fingers, the duct tape disappeared, and she growled, “Speak.”
“We came to get our sister.” She tried to stand tall and look threatening but failed miserably, looking more like a little girl with a bad attitude. “And my name is Barbie. This is Candy,” she pointed to the one with blonde Princess Leah buns. “And this,” she motioned toward the cute little redhead, “is Sammie Jo.”
“Yeah, I know who you are. I know all my witches and at the moment, your names are all Mud.” Carol crossed her arms over her chest. “And your sister is not here.” The Baba Yaga’s answer was quick and final as she uncrossed her arms and lifted her well-manicured fingers in the air to presumably snap the little witch bitches out of existence.
Throwing her hands in the air, the little redhead ran forward, squealing when Carol magically ripped the duct tape from her lips, “Wait! Wait! Wait!” She skidded to a stop, her eyes even wider than before, and squeaked, “Those crazy chipmunks said she was here. That’s the only reason we came looking.”
Kicking the first one I could reach, I grumbled, “Thanks, assholes.”
“How was we to know?” The one I now knew was named Chad asked around the huge wad of pink gum in his mouth.
As I plotted the brothers’ torture for outing my new bod, Zelda said, “Well, they were wrong. She was here, but the poor dear abracadabra’d when she should’ve hocus pocused and blew herself—soul and all its sparkly bits—all the way to the Next Adventure.” (That’s what the Shifter Wanker calls Heaven, for those of you who are as lost as me. Thanks, Fat Bastard, for the heads up.)
“Well, poop,” the little witch whined as her sisters, one whose lips were still duct-taped, came up on either side of her and put their arms around her shoulders. “She was promised to the nerdy son of a vampire by our daddy like a hundred bagillion years ago. He promised his oldest daughter’s hand in marriage in exchange for the family farm. Their wedding is planned for next week.” Her proclamation ended with a sob as her sisters huddled even closer.
Apparently, the Baba Yaga felt sorry for them because with yet another snap of her fingers, the remaining duct tape disappeared and Zelda said, “Well, I suggest you take your happy asses back the way you came and tell your sister’s fiancé that’s he’s irrevocably single.”
Sammie Jo- aka Princess Leah wannabe - looked up with big, pleading, violet eyes and asked, “Can’t you, the great and powerful Baba Yaga, help us out? If Katie doesn’t marry the ner...I mean Vladdie, the vamps are gonna take back our home and throw us out on the street.”
Elbowing Heidi, I snorted. “Katie? This body’s name was Katie. Think I could pull it off?”
Rolling her eyes, my Hellhound buddy sighed. “No, Lola, and you better be paying attention. I have a bad feeling.”
“Well, shit, you just had to go and say that shit out loud, didn’t ya’?”
“Why? Whassup, hot stuff? What’s the Hellhound knows that we don’t?” Fat Bastard asked, now spread out on the back of Zelda’s couch like an oversized matted fur rug from the Dollar Store.
Shaking my head, I blew out the breath I’d been holding. “It’s just one of Heidi’s many effed up gifts. If she says shit’s gonna hit the fan, you better take cover.”
Looking up with his beady little eyes while pulling on the wiry stock of hair sticking out of the side of his head, Chucked squealed, “OhnoIcanttakeanymoreexcitementthisistoomuchthisistoomuch.”
“Chill, Chuck,” I shushed the goofy-ass chipmunk as Carol began to speak.
“I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing I can do about the whole vampire thing. They are outta of my realm of responsibility, but I would think since your sister is gone and all, that one of you would be able to take her place and that would satisfy the deal your dad made.”
I swear the words were still echoing in the air when all three baby witches began shaking their heads so fast I thought they might fly off their shoulders as they wailed in unison, “No! No! No! No! Not a vampire! Not a nerd!”
“Wait a minute,” Zelda waved her hand and all sound stopped even though the girls’ lips still moved and their heads still shook. “You mean you were gonna to let your sister spend eternity with the nerdy vamp so you could keep the family farm but now that’s she’s gone you
’re not willing to do the same? What’s the matter with this dude? Does he have hairy toes or fart when he walks?”
Waving her hand in the opposite direction so the baby witches could speak, we all listened as they stammered and stuttered unintelligibly for almost a full minute before the Baba Yaga gave a loud whistle (you know the kind with her thumb and her forefinger between her lips) and bellowed, “Shut your damn traps.”
Once the girls were silent and shaking in their shoes, Carol continued, “Now, take your happy asses out of here. It is my order that one of you will wed the nerd...I mean, Vladdie the Vamp, whatever the hoot kinda name that is, and that is the last I will hear of any of this.”
Looking at one another then back to the Baba Yaga then at one another then at Zelda, Barbie, also known as Cornrows, finally stuttered, “O-Okay. Y-yes, M-ma’am, B-baba Yaga, as you w-wish.”
“Here, let me help you on your way,” Zelda said, and with the flitter of her fingers, the air filled with shimmering gold magic and the three teenage bitc...I mean, witches, disappeared.
Turning back toward us, Zelda took Mac’s hand and followed Carol back into the Shifter Wanker’s office. I wasn’t sure what to say and apparently neither was Heidi, so for about five full minutes, we all sat in silence until Jaba Fett plopped his ass down in the middle of the room, farted like he’d just eaten a vat of chili, and said, “Well, seeing as hows youse all scared away the little witches, whatcha say we have some dinner?”
Fanning the air and holding her nose with her thumb and forefinger, Zelda screamed, “Motherhumpin’ pain in my derriere, what the hell, Jaba? There is no way I’m feeding you anything. You reek like rotten fish. Get the heck outta here!”
Grumbling under his breath about stupid witches and shitting in Zelda’s shoes when she wasn’t watching, all three fat cat familiars waddled out the door closely followed by the chipmunks. I took that as our cue to head for the hills as well and pulled Heidi up with me as I stood, saying, “Well, thank you so much for all your help. Holler if we can ever be of assistance. It’s been real,” while pushing my Hellhound buddy toward the door.