by Julia Mills
“Hold it right there,” The Baba Yaga demanded at the same time my feet stopped moving and my body spun around. “Not so fast, Lola Come Lately. There’s no way you’re gonna waltz outta here with all that magic and no training.” She stood and walked to my side. “But I need time to be sure the teen witch crew is going to follow my orders, so you will return to Hell for the next two weeks without your magic. When I know the deed is done and one of those little brats has married the nerdy vamp, you will return here and Zelda will train you.”
“What?!” The Shifter Wanker yelled at the same time I groaned, “No freakin’ way.”
Looking over her shoulder, Carol grinned from ear-to-ear and finger waved at Zelda while assuring, “Yes, to both of you.” Snapping her fingers, I once again had control of my feet as she patted my shoulder and cooed, “Now, off with you and I shall see you in fourteen days.”
Walking to the car beside a sulking Heidi while listening to a bitching Zelda, I actually considered begging to be put back in the Hellhound’s head, but then an evil little thought popped into my mind that made me giggle out loud.
“What are you so happy about?” Heidi grumbled, unlocking the car with a beep and opening her door.
Looking over the top of the Lady Bug Express, I grinned, “Oh nothing. I just can’t wait to play with the pupp...I mean your kids.”
Watching me out the corner of her eye as we both climbed into the car, Heidi warned, “I swear to Satan if you cause any trouble I will lock you in the Pits and call the Baba Yaga myself.”
Patting her arm, I tsked, “Oh, come now, I’ll behave. I promise.”
Little did she know, my fingers were crossed and the wheels were turning.
Chapter Four
So much for the wheels turning and all my plans to wreak havoc. Having never been a real moving, breathing person, I had no clue how much work it was to do absolutely everything. While I am sure Katie took good care of her body, just learning to walk and chew gum at the same time took some getting used to. Then there were all six of Heidi’s hellions...I mean beautiful children, who were always underfoot, climbing every available piece of furniture, and generally doing anything they could to trip me up and then giggle like little loons when my well-padded ass hit the floor.
Of course, Heidi and Hunter took full advantage of my new embodied status at every turn by leaving me to babysit while they snuck off to be alone. On one such occasion, I had to ask, “Do y’all really think you need more alone time when you already have six pupp...err, bundles of joy?”
“Shut up, Lola,” they called over their shoulders in unison.
To which I replied, “Use birth control or I’ll have you spayed.”
That was pretty much the status quo for the first week and a half, until Hunter was called to the Gates of Hell by his dad—the big bad three-headed dog of the gods, Cerberus—to help with a demon uprising. Without her hubby, Heidi was left with Luci, her bestie and Satan’s daughter, who was also the most annoyingly happy person in all the Underworld and her magical gummy bear eating fiancée, Bert, and me. (It’s too long of a story to go into right now. Let me just say that Bert is an imp who looks like Prince Charming as long as he eats the aforementioned magical gummy bears. Yeah, it’s an accident waiting to happen, but whatcha gonna do?)
I am happy to report she chose to hang out with me, because if she’d chosen Luci and Bert, I might have been offended, and although Carol rendered me magicless for the moment, I still have a quick wit, sharp tongue, and with my new upgrade, possess hands to throw things. Having six little Hellhound Shifters in tow kinda slowed down our fun but thankfully, they took lots of naps so we found time to raise a little hell; the best time being with a bottle of Ghoul’s Grog and a rousing game of Truth or Dare that went something like this...
“Okay, witchy poo, well, not-quite witchy poo,” Heidi chuckled, hiccupped, and slurred. “Truth or dare?”
Giggling like a loon, enjoying the feeling of actually being drunk for the first time in my existence, I hiccupped, “Dare.”
Guzzling more grog, my favorite Hellhound tittered, “You, Lola the Luscious,” she laughed out loud at her own drunken wit, “must go give Bert a big, wet kiss right in front of Luci then leave without an explanation.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I said no because kissing the fiancé of Satan’s daughter with her watching and without explanation would most definitely result in my untimely death but...you, my dear friend, forget who you are talking to. Whether in the psyche of my favorite Hellhound or cruising the halls of Hell with all my new curves and swerves...your girl here, newly named Lola the Luscious, is fearless. Yes, I said it...Fearless, with a capital F.
Jumping to my feet, teetering to the left then to the right then grabbing hold of the table for support, I looked at the three Heidis floating before my grog-soaked eyes and nodded with a burp, “You got it, hot stuff.”
Laughing while sliding even farther down in her chair, Heidi handed me her cell phone as I staggered past. “I want pictures, hoebag. Lots of pictures. Especially of Luci’s face.”
Snatching the phone, I slurred, “You got it, skank,” before shuffling and stumbling my way out of her grotto and into the dark, dank halls of the bowels of Hell.
Using the slimy, blood and gore soaked walls for support, I felt my way toward Luci and Bert’s new abode while congratulating myself on my first ever foray into drunkenness complete with walking and talking.
“Lola girl, you got this shit down,” I gloated. “Just wait until you get your magic. You’re gonna be...”
My self-congratulation was cut short when the theme song from the Addams Family echoed off the stone walls as Heidi’s phone signaled that someone was calling. Closing one eye and trying to focus, I made out the letters Z and E before hitting the green button and slurring, “Heidi the Hellhound’s phone. Lola the Luscious speaking.”
I was laughing so loud at my own drunken wit that, although I recognized the voice on the other end as Zelda, I missed what she was saying until she was screaming, “Dammit, Lola, would ya listen? This is important!”
Taking a deep breath to clear my head so I could listen, I couldn’t stop giggling, which made the witch on the other end of the phone more than a little miffed, which she made apparent by bellowing, “LOLA! CUT THE CRAP AND LISTEN!”
I imagined her red curls floating in the air with red and green magic, the kind that only happens when she’s really pissed, spitting from her fingertips. That’s how pissed off she sounded, so I took one giant breath, blew it out, and opened my eyes as wide as they would go in an effort to get my shit together and hear what the Almighty Shifter Wanker was saying.
“Okay, Zelda, go. I’m listening.”
“Thank the Goddess. You have to get back here. There’s...” The phone crackled and the connection filled with static.
“Hey wait. What was that?” I asked, squinting my eyes because, in my inebriated state, I thought that would help me hear more clearly.
“I said,” Zelda screamed, “you need to get back to Ass...” Again, it was popping and cracking in my ear. This time so loud I had to pull it away from my ear.
Holding the device an inch or so from my ear, I yelled, “Zelda? Big Z, you there?”
“I...” crack, pop, static, “said that you...” static, squelch, and more static.
“Zelda, I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying,” I grumbled, shaking the phone and moving farther down the tunnel, thinking maybe the reception would be better in a different spot.
Of course, still tipsy from the grog and thinking more about the absolutely hysterical look on Luci’s face when I laid a big wet one on Bert, I wasn’t watching where I was going and thus ran right into a cold, hard wall of muscle.
Forgetting the phone in my hand and the screaming witch on the other end, I looked up, waaaaay up, the very masculine chest that had stopped my forward progress. Glancing past a lightly stubbled chin, complete with a cl
eft that rivaled George Reeves’, across the strong jawline that made my mouth water, to the gorgeous grey eyes glowing behind the sexiest pair of black horn-rimmed glasses just like Clark Kent used to wear in those stupid old Superman movies, I was stunned silent. (I know it’s hard to believe I was silent, but I was, I swear it.)
His strong hands closed around my upper arms as a sinister grin crossed his very kissable lips that reveled what I was sure were the very sharp points of fangs. Now, right here is where I should’ve been scared, should’ve screamed my fool head off, should’ve raised my knee and crushed his family jewels like I’d seen so many cool chicks in action movies do, but all I did was giggle, hiccup and slur, “Holy shit on Satan’s shoe, are you a vampire?”
The screaming from the phone still tight in my grasp became louder while the vamp gave me a little shake and growled, “Stop playing games, Katie. You know who I am.”
Katie? Wait! I should know that name...
“Lola! Lola! Run! Kick him in the balls! Stomp on his foot! Just...oh my Goddess, just get away!” Zelda was screeching so loud, I had no doubt all of Hell had heard what she said.
My thoughts were confirmed when, faster than my alcohol-soaked vision could track, the vamp holding me hostage let go of my arm, swatted the phone out of my hand making it fly through the air, hit the stone wall, and fall to the ground in a million little shiny pieces. Looking back at his now swirling grey eyes as his hand once again closed over my arm, I slurred, “Heidi’s gonna be pissed you broke her phone.” I hiccupped, which made me giggle a little louder. “It’s got pics of her litter on it and you know how momma Hellhounds can be.”
Shaking me a bit harder, the vamp before me leaned down until the tips of our noses touched and spat, “Stop it, Katie. Enough of this crap. I’m taking you home.”
Without any further discussion or warning, my world turned upside-down, I was thrown over said vampire’s shoulder, and with an about face, tall, dark, and deadly was quickly and with great determination striding in the opposite direction. Watching the floor spinning this way and that from my slightly askew perspective, I pounded on the vampire’s rock-hard ass and between gulps of air, gasped, “You might want to slow down,” I swallowed back the grog rising in my throat. “I’ve had a lot to drink and due to my present position, it is threatening to make a reappearance.”
A large, strong hand slapped my ass (which any other time I would’ve enjoyed) and said stupid vampire grouched, “Just stop, Katie. I knew you weren’t thrilled with getting married, but running and hiding in Hell, that’s low, even for you.”
“Again with the Katie crap?” I pounded on his ass with my fists and kicked my feet against his chest. “My name is Lola, you big oaf. I don’t...oh... *swallow* shit... *gasp* You need... *gag* to put...”
But it was too late. All the grog I had enjoyed with my girl Heidi made a hasty and inopportune reentry in an explosive manner all over the back of the bottom half of my vampire kidnapper.
“Son of a bitch, Katie! Did you have to...”
His words were cut off as he started moving with some kinda crazy super speed, which just for the record, made me throw up even more, but we were traveling so fast it just flew behind us. In less than a minute, I felt a cool breeze on my sweat-soaked face and smelled the tell-tale scent of flowers and shit that signaled we were topside. A second later, I was all but thrown off of my vampire abductor’s shoulder and basically tossed against the trunk of a tree with prickly grass under my butt.
Trying to focus, I looked up with all intentions of apologizing when I saw not only the vamp who had kidnapped me from the comforts of Hell, but two others who looked like almost exact copies of the first but with different color glowing eyes and no glasses. Closing one eye then the other, I asked, “What the hell is going on, you blood-sucking morons?”
My kidnapper knelt before me, took off his glasses, and looked deep into my eyes. I immediately felt like I was falling forward at the same time I noticed specks of silver and lavender in the depths of his swirling eyes. His deep, hypnotic voice wrapped all around me as he said, “Just rest, Katie. We’ll be home soon.”
Suddenly very tired but wanting to tell tall, dark, and dorkish that I was not this Katie chick, I opened my mouth only to mumble, “Yeah, sleep sounds good.”
Feeling my eyes slide shut, I heard one of the other vampires ask, “What’s that smell?”
I chuckled as I drifted to sleep when my abductor said, “She’s been drinking and threw up on me.”
Falling asleep to the sounds of male laughter, I somehow felt vindicated at having upchucked on the moron who dared to lay hands on me.
Yeah, dumbass, see what happens when you kidnap Lola the Luscious? I have to remember to thank Heidi for the nickname.
Chapter Five
Waking up with the sun in my eyes was something I’d never experienced and from the way it felt like thick-gauged hypodermic needles slashing through my brain, my first impression was that I would do everything in my power to never go through it again. Throwing the blanket over my head, I rolled over on my side and was in the process of snuggling down to sleep for maybe another decade or two when the comforter was yanked from my body and I was accosted by the most irritatingly nasal high-pitched squeak, demanding, “You can’t sleep all day. The Masters will be up soon and you are expected for dinner.”
Not willing to roll over or open my eyes, I grumbled, “Am I the main course or merely an appetizer?”
Silence, the kind that makes you think all the air has been sucked out of the room, was my only answer and lasted long enough for me to give up on going back to sleep. Rolling over with an audible groan and an academy award winning performance of Irritated Leading Lady in a Stalker Film, I cracked one eye to make sure the owner of the most obnoxious voice on earth was still there and sighed, “It was a joke, sweet cheeks.”
Quickly reciting her name and her position, apparently with the hopes that I wouldn’t rip her head from her shoulders, the source of my irritation stood completely still. Staring through tiny, circular, wire-rimmed glasses that were perched on the tip of her thin nose in a precarious angle that said they had been sat on more than once, she blinked exactly twice but did not breathe.
Sadly, I had to admit the voice was only the start of the aggravation that would come from Veronica, assistant to the Masters (Capital M, la-dee-frikkin-da) Vincenzo, Vaughn, and you guessed it, Vladimir aka Vladdie aka Nerd Vamp. For starters, I had to wonder if the girl ever looked in a mirror. Her hay-colored hair was knotted on top of her head with a plethora of broken and split ends pointing in every direction like a peacock’s tail and tied tightly with a faded purple scrunchie. There was more bright red lipstick on her teeth and chin than her lips, her green plaid blouse in no stretch of anyone’s imagination went with her gumdrop polka-dot yoga pants, and her nails, well...let’s just say Vanessa had issues with her nerves cause those babies had been gnawed to the quick.
I waited patiently as she came up with something to say and was grossly underwhelmed when it was, “Oh, ha, well, you have to get up and get cleaned up for dinner, Katie. Vlad will not be pleased if you...um...well, you smell like butt.” She slapped her hand over her mouth as her cheeks turned so red they shined and I swear she giggled.
Sitting up, I pushed the mounds of chestnut hair from my face and asked, “Are you seriously blushing? From saying butt?” Throwing my legs over the side of the bed and getting a whiff of myself, I had to agree with her assessment, but really...embarrassed from saying butt? I was gonna rock this girl’s world with my extensive vocabulary of potty-mouthedness. “Sweetpea, you might want to find someone else to irritate. I have been known to curse in my dreams. If butt makes your hollow little cheeks turn pink, I fear for your heart, and hanging out with me, you’ll need oxygen.”
Looking at me like I had two heads, Vanessa stammered, “Miss Katie, you really...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” I got to my feet and poked Vanessa in her bony shoul
der. “This Katie shit needs to end here and now. My name is Lola.” I leaned closer, opening my eyes wide and speaking very slowly and much louder. “L-O-L-A. Lola. Katie has moved and left no forwarding. I now inhabit this luscious, curvaceous bod.” I slapped my hip. “And y’all need to get it right.” I bopped the end of her nose with the tip of my index finger as she stood with her mouth hanging open and her cheeks quickly turning a lovely shade of crimson. “Again, that’s Lola. Now, point me to the ladies’ room. My mouth tastes like the south side of a northbound ghoul and I need a shower.”
Turning toward the door I assumed was the bathroom, since I heard water running and smelled Dial soap, I made it all the way across the threshold before Vanessa mumbled, “You’re not Katie? Are you sure?”
I couldn’t help but shake my head. Was I sure? Was this chick for real? Looking over my shoulder, I winked. “Yep, doll face, I’m sure.” Wiggling my hips, I added, “I may be new in these parts but it’s all Lola, all the time.” And with that, I walked on in the bathroom, shut the door, stripped down to my birthday suit, and took a long, hot shower.
Now, here are a few of the things I had learned since going from being a disembodied voice to a real, live, walking, talking girl. First of all, it’s true, I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Second of all, I sound like freakin’ Lady Gaga when surrounded by tile and soaked in warm soapy bubbles. Lastly, and this one is the big one, I have a bad habit of speaking, or acting as the case may be, before thinking.
Case in point, standing in the shower in all my naked glory, and it is glorious—trust me—I realized that the last thing I remembered was being kidnapped from Hell by a vampire I was now sure was Vladdie (what a terrible nickname. I have to remember to talk to him about that.) and had no clue where I was. Secondly, Zelda had been trying to tell me something important. As a matter of fact, she had been yelling her fool head off and I guessed it was to warn me about Vladdie. Oh, and let us not forget, I had to be sure to tell Heidi that Vlad (I’m not saying Vladdie anymore. It’s just too much for me to handle before food and caffeine.) broke her phone because there was gonna be hell to pay and I was not having my new ass chewed for something I didn’t do.