The Discovered

by Tracy Winegar

  Perhaps he may have overcome me, for I was tired and hadn’t eaten in many days, but for the cow dung he come upon in the pasture. In the darkness he didn’t see it. He ran into a patch of it, slipped, tried to catch his balance, but failed, and tumbled to the ground. Struggling back to his feet with a great effort, he began to curse—a word, in my estimation, which was most appropriate considering the poor man’s current predicament. This gave me the time I needed to successfully elude him.

  My heart beat nearly out of my chest, as I hid among the trees. He was not in the best of shape, and after making it halfway through the pasture he stopped, bent over, putting a hand to a knee, to try to recover. Poor fellow, I suppose he saw it was a lost cause and gave up. I felt some remorse for having intruded upon him as I did, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. My hunger drove me to it.

  Now, I did not have to run any longer, but I continued to jog along, wanting to put some distance between me and the farm. My hands were in my pockets, my fingers wrapped around the two eggs I stole. There was security in the knowledge I possessed another meal. I would eat them raw if I must.

  I came to a shallow bend in the river, and decided this was as good a place as any to try to cross. I didn’t want to get in the water. As a matter of fact, I was downright loathe to do it. I thought of nearly drowning just a few days previously and I shuddered, taking trembling breaths, trying to work up my courage. The water was cold, so cold I was nearly paralyzed by it. Eventually I forced myself to move forward. The current tugged at me, trying to force me downstream. I leaned into it as I walked along the river bottom, my already battered feet smarting from the jagged rocks on the river bed. At the deepest point, I was forced to stand on tip toe with my head tilted up so I was not engulfed by the water. It took everything within me to squelch the panic I was experiencing.

  Cold and wet, another long night of walking passed by. In the morning I chanced a small fire. I discovered a large flat rock and dug it up with a stick. The rock was put up close to my measly fire where it grew hot. While I waited, I collected pine cones and picked the pine seeds out of them. With my back teeth I cracked the seeds opened and ate the nuts within.

  Once I deemed the rock of a sufficient temperature to cook upon, I cracked my eggs onto it and waited until the translucent outer edges became white, and the yolks were firm. I burned my fingers peeling them off to eat them. But it surely tasted good and was worth the effort.

  It is true I was very tired after having walked the whole night through, but I felt I must be close now to our camp. I decided to press on. It was mid-morning when I was forced to stop again. Although I knew I was close to camp, I physically could not continue on. I found a place in a dilapidated outbuilding, ducked in and slept for several hours. I was still tired when I awoke but I forced myself to keep going.

  In the late evening I spotted the campfires bright and inviting. I staggered around, looking for a familiar face. A man I didn’t know approached me and said, “You look lost, where have you come from?”

  “The 121st,” I croaked. “I am looking for the 121st.”

  “Wrong side of camp, son. They are on the other side.”

  So I continued on. And when I made it to the other side of camp, I saw Felix Newburn by his fire. He seemed surprised when he recognized me. “Frank?”

  “That is me,” I said. My voice sounded tired and weak.

  “Why, Jack told us you was most likely dead. Said you was waylaid by a sorry Reb,” he said.

  “He would’ve said such a lie!” I raged.

  “What has become of you?” he asked.

  “I was captured. Managed to escape.”

  “How in the name of blue blazes did that happen?”

  “Do you know where Sam is?” I wondered, without answering his question. He seemed thoroughly confused. But I realized I must not be making much sense to him. I did not care. I wasn’t going to stand around trying to explain myself to him. I needed to find Sam. I could trust him. He would help me.

  “His tent is that one over there,” he replied, pointing it out to me.

  “Thank you,” I said, and left him there.

  When I went over to the tent, pulled the flap back and looked in, it was empty. No one inside. I thought perhaps I should wait there, maybe try to get some rest. But I had to see Sam. There was no way around it. Only I was afraid I might also see Old Whiskers if I was not careful. He was here somewhere in this same camp too, carefree and not wasting a second thought over what he did to me.

  Mr. Haney was cleaning up his supper when I came upon him. He seemed just as astonished as Felix was to see me in the flesh, alive and well. When he wanted to know what happened to me, I explained to him, as I explained to Felix, I was a prisoner and somehow managed to escape. I wanted to tell him everything, to tell him about what Jack Monroe did to me, but something held me back. He didn’t know my history with Jack and if I stopped to tell him everything it would take time. Time was something I didn’t feel I had just then.

  “Do you know where Sam is?” I asked him too.

  “Well, now I believe he has picket duty,” Mr. Haney informed me.

  This was good. We would have a measure of privacy so I might speak to him alone. I struck out, looking to find him, careful as I went so I didn’t run into anyone else. Out of all of the people I knew he was the one I could trust. He was the one I could go to with anything. He was the only one who knew my secrets.

  Chapter 23

  THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT was accentuated by the distant glow of campfires behind me. I was careful not to be seen, wandering along the picket line, observing without interacting with anyone until I should find Sam of course. With Mosby’s Raiders a constant threat, everyone in camp was on edge, especially those on picket duty. Rightfully so, for who knew where they might strike and when? After our success at Rappahannock Station I was sure the men on picket duty would be on high alert, waiting for retaliation. Since I was coming up from the direction of camp I didn’t think I would cause too much alarm, but you could never be too careful. It would be a shame to escape the enemy, only to be shot by a friend. When I found him, I made no attempt at being stealthy because I didn’t want to frighten him.

  My best attempt at being transparent was a failure. I caught Sam off guard. He heard my footsteps in the darkness before he saw me. He spun toward me with a start, drew his rifle and called, “Halt!”

  I raised my hands up in front of me so he could see I was unarmed, but continued to walk slowly toward him. “I mean no harm,” I said urgently. When I got up close enough for Sam to see who I was, his face registered recognition and then complete shock. I suppose Sam must have been reminded of the ghost of Hamlet’s father who appeared at the morning watch, when I drifted into his view. He was told I was dead and gone. And here I was come to haunt him. I can’t imagine the surprise he must have felt upon seeing me.

  “Sam, it is me,” I whispered.

  “Serena?”

  Sam bore the most peculiar look upon his face, as he stared at me fixedly. I must have been a sight. Dirty, scratched to pieces, my uniform much worse for wear, and barefoot, I was a pathetic scene and ashamed I didn’t think to clean up a bit before presenting myself to him.

  “I’m sure I must be a wretched sight,” I said. He didn’t seem to have anything to say. It was as if he didn’t have the ability to form words. He just stared at me with his lips puckered and his eyebrows drawn together, as though he was having difficulty registering I was actually there in one piece and not dead in a ditch somewhere. Finally he spoke.

  “Not to me you aren’t,” he replied soberly. “To me, you’ve never looked better!”

  If I could have, I would have laughed, because his words seemed so outrageously silly, but I was too worn out and dog-tired to find it humorous. He always had a comical quip, even at the most difficult moments. Generally I found it endearing, but now hardly seemed the time to be making jokes.

  “You haven’t been hitting the
bottle have you, Sam?” I responded sarcastically. He did not laugh. No, he remained perfectly serious. I grew concerned. What was wrong with him? Was it too much to ask for a warm welcome? An enthusiastic reception to a friend he thought dead? Finally he spoke.

  “I thought I might never see you again, Serena,” he replied. “The things I imagined might have befallen you…” His voice was tortured, emotional even. He dropped his rifle to the ground and came to me, taking my face in his hands and gazing into my eyes with strong sentiment playing upon his expression. I was surprised by this. I knew he probably felt guilty over our recent falling outs, but I certainly didn’t know the depths of his fondness for me until this moment. And then he kissed me!

  At first it was soft and tender, his lips warm and easy. I was so dumbfounded, I didn’t respond. Although, I felt the heat spread through my body and I experienced the strangest sort of joy rushing through me all at once, I just stood there like a fool, frozen where I was. I must have worn a look of astonishment. He pulled away and seemed ashamed.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured.

  “Why?”

  Sam cleared his throat. “For a moment I forgot myself.”

  “I liked it very much,” I admitted, shyly, unable to bring my eyes to his. “I wish you would forget yourself more often.”

  It seemed that was all he needed to hear. He moved in purposefully toward me, tilting his head at an angle he paused and studied my lips, as if they were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. Then he put his mouth to mine again. This time it was not so chaste. It was more like being in water and desperately coming up for air and then plunging back into the water again, as it was when I thought I was drowning in the Rappahannock. A kiss, a breath, a kiss. I felt a certain sense of desperation for it, aching to not have to breathe at all.

  I let the pleasure of it run over me in flushed exhilaration. Sensations and emotions I’d never experienced played over my body, through my brain, as I touched his face with my fingertips, and he held me fast with the pressure of his palm on my lower back and his other hand cradling the back of my neck. I was hungry for more but I abruptly pulled away. He meant to kiss me again, and I stopped him.

  “We must take care,” I said a little breathlessly, leaning in to him for support. “We must not do something we may regret later.”

  “I do not regret it one bit,” he said. He seemed somewhat hurt by my refusal.

  “That’s not what I meant, Sam,” I told him. “I like it very much too. But we must exercise temperance.”

  He sighed deeply. “Yes, I suppose.”

  “I am somewhat surprised by it all.”

  “Why?”

  “I didn’t think you cared for me.”

  “I tried to be angry with you, Serena. But it was far more taxing than it was worth. Honestly, when you were gone, I nearly went mad with worry. I couldn’t think of anything else. I knew I couldn’t be angry with you anymore.”

  “And all that talk about me leaving…you weren’t trying to be done with me?”

  “Silly girl.” He laughed and kissed me again. “I would selfishly have you stay. But I am in constant fear for your safety here.”

  “I thought you were sick of me. I thought you wanted to be rid of me.” And I can’t say why, whether it was the kiss, or the relief of hearing him say such a thing, or just exhaustion perhaps, but I began to cry. He didn’t say anything. He just held me.

  “It will be all right,” he said. “It will be all right. You are here now, safe and sound with me. I will never let anything happen to you.”

  Chapter 24

  I WENT BACK TO OUR TENT ALONE, because Sam needed to finish picket duty. I lay down upon his bedroll and fell fast asleep. When I awoke, Sam was there. He gave me breakfast, which I seemed to devour in one bite. Being alone in our tent and with some measure of seclusion, he began to question me.

  “Where are your boots?” he first asked.

  “They took them from me,” I told him. “I never knew how precious boots were upon a person’s feet before all of this! What a struggle it has been to find and keep a pair of them.”

  “We will have to find you another pair,” he told me taking my feet into his hands and inspecting them. He shook his head and winced on my behalf. He busied himself with inspecting the soles of my feet while he continued with his line of interrogation.

  “Now, tell me what happened to you,” he said.

  “What did Jack Monroe tell you?” I countered.

  “He told us all you were shot by a Reb who was trying to avoid capture,” Sam told me. “That he was forced to leave you behind in order to save his own life. He didn’t know if you were dead or alive. He thought most likely dead, but if not dead then surely captured.”

  “The old liar!” I raged. “None of it’s true!”

  “What happened?”

  “Mather told Jack and me and the Carroll brothers to go downriver and stop the Confederates from escaping by swimming across,” I explained. “A whole slew of Graybacks tried to swim for it, if you can believe it. And the water so cold…So we went,” I said. “The whole time I was thinking I should not be alone with him, Sam. I knew it but I couldn’t do anything about it! I couldn’t disobey Mather. The Carroll brothers stuck together, as I knew they would, and that left me with Jack.” I noted Sam was listening intently and did not take his eyes away from me, my feet now forgotten.

  “I told you to watch out for him, didn’t I?”

  “I know it. I know it. So, the Carroll brothers took off and left me alone with him. I tried to act like I wasn’t afraid of him and I went on about my business. Started looking for prisoners as I was told to. Most of the bodies we found were already dead. But then there was someone in the water. Some Confederate begging for help. He managed to survive the cold somehow and he came floating by us. I could hear him asking for help. I said to Jack we should fish him out. But Jack didn’t care. He didn’t want to help the man. What was I to do? I tried to save him on my own. I threw him my belt. I meant to pull him out with it. And that’s when Jack comes up behind me and put his boot to my back, and in I went. He tossed me right into the freezing river!”

  “What?”

  Sam’s reaction was one of shocked disbelief. I suppose it was hard for him to accept anyone would do such a despicable thing.

  “It’s true. I had my back turned to him and he threw me in. I didn’t know what to do. I called out to him. I begged him to help me, and he didn’t even turn back once. He just walked away and left me for dead. He knew I couldn’t swim!”

  “I’ll kill him!” Sam roared. His nosed flared, his lips formed into a grimace, as his face turned a deep red with indignant rage.

  “Sam—” I began in surprise. I didn’t expect such an instantaneous and volatile reaction from him. It frightened me a little.

  “I’ll kill him for what he’s done!”

  “Stop,” I moaned.

  “I am going to kill that son of a bitch!”

  I started when he cursed. He rarely used bad language. It wasn’t like him at all. His rage caused me a great deal of distress, my insides all in a turmoil. I felt sick. I felt pushed to the edge. My nerves went to jelly.

  “Please, Sam, don’t! Think it through. You know what’ll happen if you cause trouble. If you kill him they’ll hang you or put you up in front of a firing squad,” I reasoned.

  “You think that would stop me from making sure the sorry cuss couldn’t ever hurt you again? You think I would stand by and do nothing if I felt you were in danger? Hang me from the nearest tree, put me in front of a firing squad, I’ll rot in the stocks if I have to if it means getting rid of him. I swear to you now, I will take care of that man. Wait and see if I don’t!”

  “Please! I can’t stand it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have been through hell and back and I just want to forget it all.” I began to get emotional. It was all too much. If anything happened to Sam because of me I would never forgive myself. I should nev
er have told him what Jack did, because now I had put him at risk too.

  When he saw how upset I was he gave up on threatening Jack and tried to comfort me. “There’s no need for you to worry over it anymore. I will see to it you’re safe,” he promised.

  “I’m telling you now, Sam, I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me. If anything should happen to you, I don’t know what I’d do! Please don’t do anything crazy.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Don’t think about it anymore. I don’t want you to have another moment’s trouble over it. You’ve surely been through enough,” he consoled. I let him calm my nerves and began to relax a bit. I knew I didn’t need taking care of, but I wanted to be. I’m sure it says nothing of my character that my desire was to be weak, to do as he said and let him take care of it. I looked at him curiously.

  “I feel confused over what’s happened between us, Sam. What does it mean?”

  “I don’t know if I understand the question?”

  “Well, you kissed me last night,” I replied sheepishly. The thought of it brought color to my cheeks. “Have you forgotten? Maybe you were caught off guard. You thought you’d never see me again. Maybe you were just relieved I wasn’t dead. I don’t know, but I want to know what it means.”

  “It means,” he said, dropping his eyes from mine as he fiddled with the blanket we were sitting on, rolling the hem between his thumb and pointer finger, before clearing his throat, his nervous gaze meeting mine again. “It means I want you to be my girl.”

  I tried not to smile, which I’m sure only made me look ridiculous. I was over the moon. But I didn’t know if I wanted him to know it. Perhaps I should be demure, and hold back. It wasn’t prudent to play your cards all at once, was it? I never had much experience in matters of love, and I wasn’t confident in myself.