Life After Falling

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “Of course you mean something to me, but if I have to choose between pissing one of you off, it’s going to be you.”

  “I don’t even know what to say.”

  “I do.” Leo strode toward him.

  I jumped in the middle. “No. We’re leaving.”

  “I’ll see you soon.” Nile walked back to the stairs where Melinda was standing with a smile on her face.

  I got in the car. Leo got in and slammed his door. “Why did you let him walk away like that?”

  “What was I supposed to do? Let you punch him? Then I’d be upset with you. And I don’t want to be mad at you.”

  His face softened. “I’m sorry I got so angry, but I couldn’t take it.”

  “Neither could I.”

  “I’m not okay listening to someone degrade you. That’s never going to be acceptable whether it’s your brother, or mother, or anyone.”

  I grabbed the wheel. I still hadn’t turned the car on. “That’s not him.”

  “It’s amazing the damage a bad person can do to a good person.”

  “He’s planning to marry her.”

  “That sucks.”

  “It does.”

  “Don’t even try to send me home by myself tonight. I’m angry enough I might go back there.”

  “You’re making threats in order to spend the night with me now?”

  “I’m not letting you sit and dwell on this by yourself. I know that’s what you’d do. You’d also start believing some of it.”

  “I did leave. He has a point there.”

  “Nuh uh. Nope. Turn the car on please.”

  “I don’t drink much, but right now I need one.” My anger was threatening to boil over.

  “I have a much better idea.”

  “Sorry… I know you—”

  “This has nothing to do with me. It’s for you.”

  “What’s the idea?”

  “My place or yours?”

  “Mine.” I didn’t hesitate with my answer.

  “Want the bigger bed?”

  “Something like that.” I pulled away from the curb.

  “This is a funny time to say it, but you look hot tonight.”

  At the next stop sign I looked down at my dark jeans and 3-quarter length baseball style tee. “I do?”

  “Yes. Very hot.”

  “Is this your alternative to alcohol? Butter me up?”

  “No. It’s me being honest. Honesty is the most important thing you know.”

  I pushed his arm. “Don’t.” I tried to hold in a laugh.

  “If it was about someone else it would be funny.”

  “It would be.” I pulled into my spot, and we got out.

  Leo waited beside me while I unlocked the door. “You’re finally letting me stay over. I feel special.”

  “You are special.” I kissed him lightly on the lips after turning on the lights.

  He closed and locked the door behind us. “Ok, ready for my plan?”

  “Sure.” I set aside my purse and kicked off my shoes.

  “Get naked.”

  “Uh, that’s not very subtle.”

  “Believe it or not I’m not doing this for my benefit, although I will of course get the side benefit of enjoying the view.”

  “I’m not taking off my clothes until you tell me why.”

  “Don’t you trust me?” There was an intensity in his eyes and words that unnerved me.

  “Yes.”

  “Then do it.”

  “Are you doing it too? Or is this a ‘I have to experience it on my own’ thing?”

  “I can get naked.” He pulled off his shirt and stepped out of his pants. His boxers followed.

  “You are so confident in your body it’s crazy.”

  “You should be confident in yours.” He watched me just as intently.

  I pulled off my shirt and pushed off my jeans.

  “Keep going.” He gestured with his hand.

  I unclasped my bra and let it fall to the floor. My underwear followed.

  “Good. We’re making progress.”

  “Ok, now what are we doing?”

  “Follow me.” He headed down the hall toward my bathroom, and I tried not to stare as I followed. By the time I got in there he already had the shower running. “It’s a good temperature. Get in.”

  “We’re taking a shower?”

  “You are. If you want company, I’m completely ready and available. But like I said before, this is for you.”

  “I want company.”

  “I’ll join you when you’ve had a few minutes to yourself.”

  “If you say so.” I stepped under the warm spray.

  “Keep your eyes closed and push away thoughts of everything.”

  “Easier said than done. On the thoughts thing.”

  “Try,” he encouraged.

  “Ok.” I tried. I closed my eyes tighter and focused on the water and how good each hot beat felt rushing down my body. The tension started to melt away. I heard the curtain move, but I ignored it. I continued to focus on the feel of the water.

  His arms came around my waist, but he said nothing. I changed my focus to the feel of his hands and his body pressed about mine. The way it felt to have our wet skin against one another’s. I moaned. A simple touch had never felt more intense.

  His breath caressed my ear. “I’m falling in love with you.”

  “Me too,” I breathed back. I’d never been more vulnerable in my life, but I liked it. I liked opening myself up even if it meant I’d get hurt. I needed to feel. It had been so long since I’d let myself.

  “Don’t try to stop. I won’t either. We might as well enjoy the ride.” He ran his lips down my neck.

  “It’s a great ride.” I leaned my head back.

  “Uh huh.” His lips slid further down my neck.

  “Was this your plan? Get me to relax in the shower and then seduce me?”

  “You forgot the get you naked part.” He ran his hand over the swell of my breast. “But no. I wanted you to relax. But I couldn’t resist. I can’t resist you.”

  “I don’t want you to resist.”

  “That’s good because I’m no longer going to be able to do it.” His lips met mine, and I stumbled out of the stream of the water. I kissed him back, wanting to use my lips to convey what my words couldn’t. I wasn’t just falling, I’d fallen. There was no turning back, and I didn’t care. I pushed my way into his mouth this time, loving his taste, and the way his hands felt as they wrapped around my body.

  He reached around me and shut off the water. “Shower sex is over rated.”

  “Agreed.”

  We moved in a blur toward my bed where we tumbled down into the sheets. We were getting everything wet, but that only made it better.

  He kissed my neck, before sliding his lips down my body. I reached up and ran my hand down his body at the same pace his lips were moving down me. He kept his eyes open, watching me as he moved.

  Then he suddenly stopped and moved beside me. “I meant what I said before.”

  “In the shower?”

  “Yeah, and that means all bets are off. I care about the end because I care about the middle. I care about us.”

  “I do too.”

  “Then can we make a promise to each other?”

  “Yes.” I threw out my new rule to ask what the promise was before agreeing.

  “We’ll give this a real shot. No running away the second things get rocky. Otherwise there’s no point.”

  “It’s too late to turn back. Stop acting like that’s an option.”

  “I gave you a hard time about being afraid of being hurt, but I’m afraid too. Probably more than you.”

  “I promise.”

  “Me too.” His lips met mine again, and we let them echo our words.

  Nineteen

  I looked out the window and watched the landscape whiz by. The mix of older homes, municipal facilities, and schools continued on and on as the train moved toward Ne
w York City. I’d been on trains a lot in Philadelphia, but it had been years since I’d been on the Long Island Rail Road. Technically they were similar, but they felt completely different. Every city had a different feel and that extended to public transportation. It extended to the people too.

  I had absolutely no idea what we were doing. In theory we were coming in to get my tape back, but I was doubtful. If the girl was really there, she probably wouldn’t still have the tape on her. Yet, there I was sitting next to Leo while he slept. Normally I’d have been frustrated if my traveling companion fell asleep, but Leo needed it. I was glad he was comfortable enough to fall asleep next to me in public. That took a level of trust.

  He stirred next to me. He had great timing. Even if the station names weren’t listed on the screen, I’d have known we were close to Jamaica. I’d taken this ride more times than I could count growing up.

  “Hey.” He blinked a few times.

  “Good morning.”

  “Sorry about falling asleep on you.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I’ll try not to make a habit of it.”

  “You need sleep. You’ve got months of debt to fill.” The more time I spent with him, the easier it was too notice the sleep deprivation. He hid it way better than I ever could have.

  “So do you.”

  “Not as much as you.”

  “And now we’re arguing over who needs more sleep?”

  “There are worse things to argue about.”

  He put his arm around me. “Ready for an exciting night?”

  “Of course. If Phil’s into this band it’s going to be retro and unique. Should be an experience.”

  “I bet.”

  “Where are we meeting him?”

  “He’s meeting us at the door.”

  “Couldn’t he just call us?”

  “That would be too easy, wouldn’t it?”

  I laughed. “Phil likes in-person communication better, right? I get it… I think.”

  “You should since we’re going to be living in our cabin.”

  “I never agreed to that plan.”

  “But you didn’t completely shoot it down.”

  “I’m trying to stay open to new opportunities.”

  “And moving into a cabin with me in the middle of nowhere would definitely be a new opportunity.” He nudged my shoulder with his own.

  “It would be.” I stood as the train slowed down.

  “I have good timing.”

  “You do. It’s impressive really. By the way, if the girl doesn’t have the tape I’m not getting upset. I’m getting that on the record now.”

  Leo put a hand on my hip as we waited for the doors to open. “I’m not holding you to that. You’re allowed to react anyway you want.”

  “Thanks for the permission,” I teased.

  “Because you needed it I’m sure.” He led the way across the platform to where we needed to wait for the next train.

  “Absolutely.” I wasn’t as used to taking the train into Brooklyn, but Leo seemed to know what to do.

  “When’s the last time you were in Brooklyn?”

  “Years.”

  “You really didn’t get back to New York much did you?”

  “No.” The train arrived, and we stepped on.

  “Was that because you were avoiding people or because you were too busy?” He questioned me in a way that would have normally annoyed me, but coming from him it didn’t bother me.

  “Both.” We walked up the aisle until we found a place to stand together.

  He laughed. “Sometimes I think you’re faking it.”

  “Faking what?” I held onto the seat next to me as the train lurched to a start.

  “How much you think like me.” He pulled my free hand into his.

  “I feel the same way.”

  “They say opposites attract and generally I do go for my opposite, but I’m enjoying the change.”

  “We have that in common too… the whole going for my opposite usually.”

  “We never discussed what we’re going to do depending on how things go tonight.”

  “I wasn’t aware we were supposed to.”

  “Chances are the girl doesn’t have the tape on her. Do we offer to go back to her place or is that too sketchy?”

  He laughed. “Think you’re going to freak her out?”

  “If she listened to the tape and heard my singing already, yeah.” I smiled.

  “Let’s take this one step at a time. Maybe she knew she’d see Phil and she has it. She heard the tape and wants to beg him to take it back because the contents are so frightening.”

  I bumped my shoulder into his. “Very funny.”

  “I have figured out one part of the evenings plans.”

  “Oh?”

  “We’re ending it together.”

  “I thought that was a given.” I held onto his arm.

  “It is.”

  “What if we changed our mind right now?”

  “Changed our mind in what way?”

  “We didn’t go to the show. We went out for cheesecake instead.”

  “You’re going to choose cheesecake over getting your tape?”

  “It would be easier.”

  “Easier isn’t better. No settling.”

  I sighed. “Cheesecake is never settling.”

  “How come I’m only finding out about this cheesecake thing now?”

  “I only let myself have it every once in a while.”

  “We’ll get it tonight one way or another.”

  “Ok. Tape first and then peanut butter cheesecake.”

  “Whoa.” He chuckled. “Now it’s peanut butter cheesecake? Making things even more specific?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine. First we get the tape, and after we get peanut butter cheesecake somewhere.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  Twenty minutes later we got off the train, and I followed Leo as he headed across the platform and down the stairs. We walked for a few blocks before Leo turned down an alley.

  “Shouldn’t Phil be waiting for us out here?” I searched the area around the door of what had to be the entrance to the small venue.

  “In theory.” Leo craned his neck to see around the dense crowd congregating by the door.

  “Over there.” I spotted him talking to a girl wearing a denim jacket with a few patches sewed on. I hadn’t seen one like it in years.

  Leo took my hand and led me toward them.

  “Hey, guys!” Phil grinned. He’d never grinned in my presence before.

  “Hey, man.” Leo gave me a look to let me know he wasn’t used to the enthusiasm either.

  “Are you the tape girl?” The girl in the denim jacket asked.

  “Yes… I’m Cassidy.”

  “Cool, I’m Debbie.” She waved rather than extend a hand.

  I waved back. “Hey.”

  “I like your song about the endless ocean. I feel that way sometimes too.”

  “The endless ocean?” Leo raised an eyebrow.

  “Don’t ask.” I smiled to myself. I’d made that one up. I’d thought it was a poetic way to describe the never ending struggle of fitting in.

  “I have your tape. I figured Phil gave it to me by mistake, and I knew he’d be here tonight.” She smiled at him and handed me my tape. It was in the same clear casing as the mistaken one.

  Phil smiled back with a goofy grin. “I guess we were thinking the same thing.”

  “This is the one you were supposed to have.” Leo pulled the other tape out of the pocket of his sweatshirt. I’d completely forgotten about it.

  Debbie accepted the tape. “Cool. Thanks.”

  “Are you guys going to come in and see the show?” Phil asked.

  “No, we’re getting cheesecake.” Leo squeezed my hand.

  “Well, it was nice meeting you.” Debbie smiled.

  “Same to you, and thanks for bringing the tape.”

  “No problem.”
/>   “See you two around.” Phil headed toward the door with Debbie at his side.

  “Still want cheesecake before we head home?” Leo asked as we walked down the street.

  “No.”

  “I thought you were craving it.”

  “I am, but homemade is best.”

  “We’re baking?” He cocked his head to the side.

  “Yes. It’s a hidden talent of mine.”

  “I’m game. Let’s see if we can get a train anytime soon.” His slow stroll turned into a more determined pace. We walked back toward the train station, retracing the steps we’d just taken. I held onto Leo’s hand on one side, and I clutched the tape in my other hand. I thought about the songs on the tape. The voices waiting for me.

  They were voices from the past. Voices I didn’t need to hear. We’d made the tape the week before my friend got her diagnosis. It wasn’t the only tape we’d made, but it was the last. It was the last time I heard her real laugh, and the last time we were carefree. I hadn’t been the one who was sick, but I lost part of myself with her. It was a part of myself I’d never get back, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t find a new one.

  I tossed the plastic tape into the street. Before I could even consider changing my mind a large black SUV drove down the street. Its tires moved over the tape effortlessly, and I didn’t need to look at the broken plastic to know it wasn’t getting fixed again. But I looked at the shattered remains anyway. I’d never forget my friend. I’d never forget the way she made me laugh and the crazy songs we used to write, but honoring her memory didn’t mean focusing on the past—on what was lost. It meant living. And smiling. And allowing myself to love even if it meant I’d get hurt.

  Leo waited beside me. “That was final.” His voice was more amused than judging.

  “I don’t need to listen to it. I don’t need to dwell in the past.” I turned to him.

  He rested his hands on my hips. “I’d prefer if you dwelled in the present. The future is fine if you wait for me to come too.”

  I smiled. “My point exactly.”

  He brushed his lips against mine. “Ready to head home?”

  “Yes. I’m definitely ready.” I took one last glance into the street before letting Leo lead me back toward the train station.

  One Year Later

  “Cassidy?” Naomi called from the hallway.

  “Hey, come in.” I closed out a few windows on the computer. It was time to stop working for the day anyway. Naomi walked over to my desk and peered at the computer monitor while I shut everything down. “Daddy has a surprise for you.”