Emotional Sandwiches

by Sarah Ashley Neal

  Confidence can be part of a great double act… as can Time, when it is on your side, and you can feel in control. When you work with Patience, you may feel more able to cope. However, when you have to be more patient – than you would like to be – Patience could be misconstrued as a partner in crime and you could actually feel less in control. On this occasion look for another inspiring partner to double up with and take the pressure off Patience. How about Hope or Trust, and relax into the moment and regain self-control?

  So, it seems to me that Control can be influenced both ways and it appears to work with you on a personal level! Are you in control of the path you walk along? Ooh, I have just experienced goosebumps. All of a sudden, after everything we have explored, seeing the word control in this context has left me feeling slightly intimidated – by my own question. I think it is because, just like the weather, there are bigger things at large which can influence us to take those detours and fall off our path. Would it be more appropriate to suggest, then, that with the help of our emotional toolkit, we focus on controlling (and managing) our own behaviours and train ourselves to practise the art of self-control, in readiness for the journey ahead? How strict you want to be with yourselves – along your path – is entirely up to you, unless Normal has had to step in and play referee.

  If we and everything in our lives could run like clockwork it would take precision engineering to pull it off. Therefore, would such precision help us to control our path or simply remove any need for us to maintain control, because it will be built in already?

  As we are about to head off into darkness (not literally), it is worth mentioning that Control functions regardless of whether the lights are on or off. It can work in the light and it can work in the dark. We as a society cannot control natural light outdoors (I don’t think?!). We can create artificial light. We can build walls around the daylight to stop it from flooding in so that darkness exists and then tap into any artificial intelligence that will turn the light on!

  So what has darkness got to say for itself now?

  D*A*R*K*N*E*S*S

  The Rainbow Effect

  We all get stage fright but we learn to love the limelight occasionally. Some of us thrive in the spotlight and find the darkness off stage unsettling. How many actors do you read or hear about who suffer from depression or have inferiority complexes off camera; maybe they preferred being in character which they could hide behind. Maybe life off stage really isn’t as much fun as the life they live on the stage or on set and reality is darker behind the scenes.

  The light for other people either has them reaching for the dimmer switch to deflect from any difficulties going on in their own lives, or because their life is just fine the way it is, they don’t need every aspect of their lives lit up for the world to see. Attention to detail is all very well but bright lights can take away the curiosity and can leave nothing to the imagination.

  If light was a true colour then Darkness would just be a light with a different colour running through that takes the shine off what we see sometimes, making things look a bit blurry – that’s all! When the lights are on at night they can keep us awake and Darkness is equally responsible for a restless mind when it hides the familiarities that usually make us feel safe.

  The transition from darkness to light is a natural phenomenon because it happens every day and we are familiar with seeing the darkness; sometimes we simply don’t like it! Is it the darkness itself we don’t like or what we sense is sitting in the dark when the lights are off? I am not necessarily talking about unknown entities – which are there whether it is light or dark, I expect – I am talking about something far closer to home.

  It is often when we are in the dark that things can appear illuminated because we start to see everything we had hidden in the daylight, which is surely the time you would expect to see everything on display. Darkness doesn’t always equate to night; anywhere that light doesn’t shine, Darkness will take its place. And, if that’s not enough to keep it happy, it can even find you in the light!

  Darkness can exist inside you even when you are sitting in broad daylight. When it is time for Darkness to descend outside it can still choose to sit with you when your table lamp is on, sprawled out, hands behind its head, wiggling its toes and craving attention. It takes a sneaky peek at you from under its arm to see if you are looking and if you are beginning to get wound up by its constant presence. It is capable of sitting silently but because you know it is hovering, it disturbs your peace and quiet as it encroaches upon your space.

  Alternatively it chatters away and turns all those thoughts upside down. Everything you had nicely tidied up before going to bed to sleep has now been rudely disarranged. Retiring to the living room to switch off (in hope of watching a film through to the end for once) is a plan that you’ve frequently thought about yet rarely executed. Darkness behaves like a child who has been asked to go to bed but has other ideas to empty its toy box again. As it pulls out each chord on the dancing dolls, nudging them to play along to a master plan, Darkness has another agenda.

  The bottom line is you would prefer Darkness to go and mingle with its equals outside or in another room when it misbehaves. However, if it can bring itself to lie down beside you without fidgeting, just to complement the light in your life so you can rest, balance is restored and Darkness can be more easily managed.

  Darkness isn’t the enemy. We are often our own worst enemy, as Darkness doesn’t tend to care too much for boundaries unless you define them and set a few clear rules. It really is up to us to learn to manage Darkness in our lives and get to know it better. If we keep rejecting it, without finding out what useful message it has to deliver, this will only encourage it to hang around and drive you mad. Dare I say it… on this occasion: take control!

  We are not exploring the definition of a ‘darker side’ to a person, here in this sandwich. We are exploring what ‘Darkness’ as a word can mean and how best to greet it, when it shows itself to you – on your path. It is up to you, individually, to explore what Darkness means to you and how it can make you feel and if you want to make it a shade lighter. Darkness can be well meaning and we will seek to understand why, shortly.

  Firstly, when we are looking for something to see, we can’t always see it with our eyes alone. We visualise in our mind’s eye what we perceive to exist, using our imagination to add colour; we also visualise what we know exists, as we recall images of what we have once seen. Unless you are in a position to daydream and allow your thoughts to wander momentarily, the night (or your night-time, should you be working shift patterns or have a hectic social life) is a time for sleeping. Night-time does have a habit of waking up our gremlins which prompt us to see what either isn’t ‘there’ or distort whatever ‘is’, and should leave us well alone.

  On the other side of the coin, Darkness can bring us peace. I am not talking about when you have a migraine (which is a good enough reason for wanting to immerse yourself in the black mist of tranquillity). Darkness, especially at the end of the day, can be a haven for relaxation. It provides an ambience conducive to healing (if noise is omitted) and a time to collect your thoughts and put them safely out of sight – without the thoughts themselves collectively getting ready for a night out in your head, partying until goodness knows what time!

  A colour chart in your local DIY store will give you an appreciation of the shades that exist in between black and white. White reflects light and black reflects darkness. Although, as you hold the laminated chart up in front of a light, darkness can still shine, as the angle it is held at captures its layers of depth and brings out a beauty. We become attracted to the richness and the authority it reflects and we begin to feel comfortable with its magic. So many things in our lives are black: our cars, our TVs, clothes, furniture, bedding, mobile phones, crockery, hair (yawn-yawn-yawn) – the list is endless. We are attracted to black because we are more comfortable with this colour than
we care to believe.

  When we experience the extremes associated with light and darkness, we begin to notice the pull they have on one another; they are entwined with Yin and Yang which are also deserving of understanding and respect. Darkness may also be sprinkled into those four sandwiches that sit on the ‘Limitations and Acceptance’ table that you will dine at later. This is because it takes time to understand your own relationship with Darkness and there tends to be a mutual respect, when you have finally stopped avoiding each other.

  Is there a connection between Happiness and Darkness? I believe there is. A cloud of darkness hovers over us, when we haven’t quite made up our minds about what happiness really is! Spending your time thinking you should be this way or that way because you are still muddled up with your tick and your tock reminds us that Normal is still not feeling quite itself. This puts a strain on your emotions and your ability to find true happiness. I question if finding fun is the answer to happiness or if happiness within comes first and fun just finds you once the cloud of darkness lifts (maybe fun can lift the cloud of darkness, too).

  When people say to you, “Lighten up, have some fun”, and you think to yourself, I am actually, OK, is this because their idea of fun is different from yours? There will always be someone who will question your interpretation of fun or happiness and offer you free advice on how to find more or forget to put the constructiveness bit into their critique.

  Sadly, we don’t all find the strength to open our eyes and see the rainbow sitting between the clouds of darkness under a spotlight on a rainy day. Although for some of us, short-term happiness may be achieved by standing beneath the colourful arc and soaking up its positive energies in order to shut out Darkness, temporarily. On the other hand, if Happiness could occupy a space in your mind, long term, and claim it as a new independent state, then the quest to shut Darkness out completely and put an end to its military-style occupation of those borders would be an attractive proposition.

  The mission, as always, will be to find safe passage to cross over into your happiness zone, especially if you feel like you’re still in a war zone or coming through the other side. Many of us manage to slip back into the state of happiness, relatively quickly, at a flick of a switch. And then there are those of us who have seemingly acquired full citizenship and can’t imagine being anywhere else. Now that’s an achievement!

  Outside influences just have a habit of affecting us all differently and some of us are more susceptible to falling prey to an unwelcome visit from Darkness. I only suggest that when you next encounter a darker moment in your life – apart from asking it to move on in the kindest way you can to suit you – notice any little triggers that may have attracted it in to your life in the first place. These are the ones to befriend and have a little chat to. Darkness just occupies space because you felt vulnerable. It is when you can identify the triggers and overcome them (or at least manage them when they appear) that Darkness will look at you and say, “What a waste of time it will be, hanging out with you today – you are far too happy and positive”. Yay! Mission accomplished!

  If you ask Darkness, “What is it about your visits anyway, that give you permission to hold me back from becoming truly happy?”, Darkness is likely to reply, “I only come along from time to time because you let me in when I think you need some company. You give me permission to stay.” In order to keep Darkness at bay, even when you don’t want to smile, I would suggest that you do smile and see how it feels. I bet you will feel better. Even if you end up laughing at how unimaginably hard it was to do. You will nark Darkness off anyway!

  Darkness tends to prey on sadness and doesn’t take kindly to you being excited about the prospect of feeling happy most of the time, making this your norm (tickety-tock!). When a sad moment or a disappointment in life starts to become the novelty and a bad mood is an acceptable part of an occasional ‘bad day’, irritation is just a side effect of being human.

  Darkness can be painful when you see the grimness in a sunny day that leaves you unable to make head nor tail of why you feel so numb as you stand witness to the beauty that the day is offering but with which you cannot emotionally connect. Instead, treating it like an unwanted gift that was born out of kindness, you can only acknowledge that the kindness exists but cannot appreciate the gift itself.

  When the light goes out – inside of you – the emptiness and the numbness is indescribable, and it becomes hard to explain this feeling along with many other feelings that have sunk to the bottom of your emotional toolkit. You slowly begin to feel your higher self detaching from your own body, as if it is withering inside of you, disconnecting with your human lifeline, like an alien that is incompatible with the air you breathe. If the past has had anything to do with this, and thinks it can shadow you through to your exit hatch, it needs to be flattened!

  The past has gone. Some of the reasons that gave rise to the pain in your past may have left the dock many years ago; that ship sailed, but you may still feel stranded and abandoned with a shell of memories. They tend to resurface when you collide with other ships that appear similar and the few emotional triggers you have not yet conquered remain on board your own vessel, nestled between the floorboards. Darkness can come out of hibernation even when you begin to find your north and south again after years of island hopping, to keep the pain hidden. Darkness can misunderstand your distress signals and navigate past memories back to you, mistaking your current bout of light reflection for some sort of unfinished business but the sat nav just needs calibrating – that’s all. You didn’t intend for Darkness to get back on the bandwagon and start singing along, whistling the old songs that have seen their day.

  Finally you choose another path in life and it may awake a few ghosts but if the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are anything to go by, they can usually be dealt with by a dashing young man and an alliance of friendships. Take them back out to sea and throw them overboard and let them sink into the abyss. Let the memories rest and also find peace. They must be equally as tired of being resurrected. Incidentally they are now making their way to the captain’s quarters looking like a confused crew of Chinese whispers whose visas have expired and are not wishing to be judged anymore. They don’t even know the truth anymore about how they came to be on board the ship and ask for forgiveness. If they had a chance to run a ship again, they may choose to do it differently and the message now would be very different. You can give Darkness permission to leave.

  At times we all need something, maybe outside of ourselves, to help bring the light back into our lives when it has been a bit dull. Spirits can lift when you give them some space to fall in love with life, all over again, after what may have seemed a lengthy period of emotional hibernation.

  A space in time can be created between the old and the new – the past and the future. It is a space that allows change to take place if it needs to. It opens up an opportunity for solitude to step in and say, “Just be”. It embraces feelings of all types and allows expressions to unfold and be revealed. It offers a space for innocence to develop and be revelled in; naivety will be forgiven and tantrums are part of the healing process. Darkness will come full circle and become eclipsed by the light; all but a crescent of Darkness will remain to remind you it is still there so you respect their differences and strive to find balance in your life.

  Course 3

  Fillings Enriched with

  Good Nutrition

  Understanding and Respect

  ‘Patience takes time to master and good judgement requires trust.’

  Understanding what makes you tick, as has already been mentioned, is well worth investigating. Respect your entitlement to be you; after all, who else are you trying to be?

  I trust by now you have come to terms with the idea that you are on a path, the one you chose even if you don’t think you did, as it appeared at the time to have chosen you. Then you considered whether your own thoughts and behavio
urs could be moderated, whilst remaining true to yourself. You may have found this a challenging experience but you’re here now – well done!

  Firstly, what do you do when you find yourself feeling under the weather; do you plan to do something else to make you feel worse? Ideally no, so you fill up on good nutrition, feed your soul and do what you can to feel better. So why, when things in your life don’t go as well as expected or everything feels out of kilter, do you reach out and do something that invariably makes it worse? It isn’t just your body that needs a health check – it’s your life too!

  Is time really that limited because we booked it all out in advance, forgetting to allow any contingency for reflection, plastering over the cracks instead of understanding how they appeared in the first place? Whilst accepting that hindsight cannot change the past, it may come in handy now; take the time to listen when you hear its words of wisdom.

  Be patient, trust your instincts and judge yourself kindly.

  T*I*M*E

  Speed Limits Apply

  We say that time is not on our side but surely we have to create the space around us for Time to move in – just as we keep a spare room free for a sudden guest appearance. As we hold onto a pocketful of space lined with a magnetism that seduces Time, and encourages it to occupy, then we can stop treating Time as something lost which needs to be found.

  Thinking about this logically, before we ensconce ourselves in excuses as to why Time is, on the face of it, off playing away when we need it the most, Time is actually around us all the time – right under our noses. The fact that we are too busy to draw breath and increasingly blame Time for being conspicuous by its absence is simply a reflection on the way we are choosing to live.