Emotional Sandwiches

by Sarah Ashley Neal

  When PJ slips up and causes mayhem along your path all of your other emotions will start jumping up and down, competing for attention as some of them will become defensive and have a lot to say on the subject. Any lessons you are about to learn from the experience will already be lining up in readiness for a one-to-one review session with PJ. I can imagine them appearing like children gathered in an assembly hall, whispering to each other as they await their call to assume a role as a prefect. Their role, should they be chosen, will be to coach PJ back to good health!

  Good Judgement will step in as a mentor and demonstrate how easy it is – when you know how – to bring about a successful end result, teaming up with Trust and Confidence. PJ gets to consider what it could do differently next time. Good Judgement can’t always sit smug on its pedestal and do nothing as it isn’t immune to learning, either. We saw earlier that it has a tendency to fall off on occasions, blindsided by its own horizon.

  Sometimes PJ will exist to serve a higher purpose, although it may not feel like it at the time! If you have made a poor judgement then the negative outcome may help you to learn an important lesson that you will be reminded of in the future. You will be responsible for the way it is behaving and if you are making it a habit you will have a duty of care to understand what it is that allows PJ to behave in such a disorderly fashion. If you are not careful, you will land yourself with an ‘anti-social behaviour order’ (an ASBO for short). It is at this point that PJ will undergo one of those one-to-one reviews and even if it is not harming other people, it could be hurting you in the long run as you are allowing yourself to pursue a pattern of destructive behaviour. If someone else’s poor judgement is hurting you, because they are not making wise choices or speaking out of turn, then you will need to learn to challenge this behaviour.

  We judge ourselves, other people and situations with varying degrees of kindness and sometimes Judgement can overstep the mark. Judgement sits in this lovely section, which is all about Understanding and Respect, for a jolly good reason. This is not because it has either of them unconditionally but because it is important to learn to judge with an element of understanding and respect. The idea that it is not what we say but how we say it can be applied to what we judge and how we judge it! No matter how well you intended to pass judgement if you simply throw it across, with little thought about what obstacles may lie in between, then you can’t expect the other person to catch it particularly well!

  Imagine you are out walking with a friend and one of you happens to be on a constant diet – the type that never sees an inch being lost from any obvious place. As you both reach a pond you accidentally split off, whilst chatting away. You both go around it in opposite directions but with a view to coming back together to climb over a stile that leads on to the next bridleway.

  You tell your friend as you shout out across the pond, obscured by reeds and overhanging branches, that there may be something worth changing about the way they currently diet, though using words that have been immediately misconstrued. Perceived more like an accusation that implied they secretly ate, their blood pressure has risen and triggered a reaction.

  As you both fall into the murky waters, drowning in different emotions, it is time to call in the lifeguard. Hopefully you can both recover from any ill feelings and reconcile any differences that arose when little PJ got in the way of you passing on your advice which clouded your good judgement. As the judge, you may have tied yourself in knots because what you said ‘came out all wrong’ and backtracking felt more like catching an anchor than a life jacket, as you continued to get yourself into deeper water the more you talked!

  The one being judged will probably consider if they actually overreacted, although it may be too early to swallow any pride at this stage because they too are swallowing enough pond fluids to keep them infected for a few hours to follow. Or, they may not have overreacted, having due cause to be upset and take offence. It may have been about how you spoke to them rather than what you said and the positives will have been filtered out and automatically bypassed. The only thing left to do now, for both of you, is to wring out any residual water remaining from the splash attack and catch the lessons that have already taken off. They are about to land in both your directions which are unlikely to be the same.

  I hope you can relate to the idea that none of us is able to control the reactions that are owned by another person in response to what we say or do. We can learn to manage the delivery of what we say and be mindful about what else we do.

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  The darker side of Judgement naturally brings about a degree of emotional pain when experienced. It spreads an emotional infection as it is passed around. Anyone who believes that they have come into contact with a potent level of judgement is encouraged to take a period of recovery, even just for a moment, to ensure that no lasting damage will result and symptoms can be dealt with imminently. As with all viruses, there are different strains and they may impact on us differently. Whilst Judgement is not a disease, it can bring an element of dis-ease into our lives and we have a remarkable ability to self-infect!

  We learned earlier that we can judge each other, vocalising our own opinions and making them known, which can have a negative impact on levels of confidence. Let’s be honest now: it doesn’t do much for your own confidence if you are putting yourself down and succumbing to a form of masochistic behaviour that isn’t attractive. We may hurt people intentionally or unintentionally when we express ourselves inappropriately or with a certainty that somehow suggests that we know better about someone else’s life than they do! A judgement made is often better received when it is backed up with sound advice or a non-offensive suggestion for improvement.

  As a dance teacher, you may judge someone on how they perform during rehearsals and feedback; call this a judgemental intervention. Once judgement is passed, the interventions that follow will range from offering kind support and constructive criticism through to delivering unacceptable levels of intimidation, humiliation and bullying. A teacher’s role is to teach, imparting knowledge and expertise; a student will trust the teacher – it is an emotional contract. If the balance of emotional power is tipped the wrong way, then regardless of whether the judgement passed by the teacher is fundamentally right, the way it is packaged can have a detrimental effect. If you find yourself holding his/her judgement in the palm of your hand, having been passed the parcel and feel somewhat disappointed, simply put it down, say “thank you” and find yourself a new teacher!

  Not only are we responsible for how we judge but we need to take responsibility for how we react to different forms of judgement, when we are on the wrong end of it. Sometimes a window of opportunity appears during a less than comfortable experience, with a judgemental intervention that can allow us to escape just in time. We begin to change the way we react to the darker side of Judgement and we simply say, “This isn’t acceptable”, and begin to do something about how it makes us feel. Good Judgement will carry you through the window until you learn how to use the front door and face the world with confidence and stop being afraid.

  Judgement has multiple personalities. They can each play a part and could win an Oscar for playing each role. Judgement can play the good guy and the bad guy. You can hear it now: “And, the winning title goes to… Judgement, for an outstanding performance in ‘What on earth did you do that for?’” Judgement is also good at playing a role in a soap drama that goes on and on and usually equates to someone in the show beating themselves up with an emotional stick, judging themselves unkindly and becoming a victim that can support a storyline of self-deprecation in each episode!

  We go through life becoming entangled in other people’s stories and through these interactions, on what may seem like a treacherous path at times, we feel vulnerable – we let our guard down and we let the judges in. We either find the strength to say, “Thanks but no thanks”, or we crumble and seek to cover our eyes so we don’t ha
ve to see our accusers while listening to their accusations.

  This can pose a difficulty if the person you are trying to ignore happens to be yourself! Unless you are looking in the mirror – which is often a time we can judge ourselves unkindly – we cannot actually see ourselves completely. We forever have to listen to ourselves when we speak and we hear our thoughts, passing judgement on these as they go by. If only we could let them go by instead of analysing their every move, because half of the time they don’t require any attention. Then, we may be less inclined to allow PJ another opportunity to misbehave.

  It is extraordinary really, when you think about it, that we judge ourselves poorly and find this an acceptable intervention but can’t abide it when it attacks us from another direction. Good Judgement must be having a laugh at our expense, watching us talking to ourselves while feeling somewhat irritated.

  So, Good Judgement and Poor Judgement are learning from each other. We started off by putting Good Judgement on a pedestal for its mentoring skills but let us not forget that PJ has equally been teaching it a thing or two. Whilst Good Judgement does not rely upon an act of poor judgement to exist, as it does not thrive on a symbiotic relationship with PJ, it does observe. As it reflects on the actions and consequences of its misguided buddy and takes an opportunity to self-reflect, Good Judgement will ultimately become stronger and less likely to fall off its pedestal. Therefore, it has to behave with a degree of humbleness and not get too big for its boots.

  Each sandwich in this section has contained some very good nutrients that will feed our soul. As with all good food, we don’t always appreciate how good it tastes until we slow down and savour the moment. We gulp our food down as if Time is going to sneak up and steal the plate away before we have finished, but we forget that Patience is keeping its eye on Time all along, encouraging it to slow down once in a while.

  We don’t always understand how to tame our emotions but Trust will help us to harness the power that is required from within that will help us to learn. If we can keep on the right side of Judgement and learn to use our instincts so they can dance with logic without stepping on its toes, then I have some good news for you, my friends: I think we are ready to face up to visiting the next table. They are a little intimidating at first, but once we get to know them I am certain that in time, we will appreciate their points of view.

  Firstly, what has Failure truly got to say about itself? We have already suggested that in the event you have no plan B up your sleeve, and plan A didn’t quite meet your expectations, then your upper limb may appear to be a perfect landing strip for Failure to make an appearance. What does the word failure even mean, anyway? Go ahead, turn the page and see what ideas I have concocted up to now…

  Course 4

  Fillings Containing

  Anti-Nutrients

  Limitations and Acceptance

  ‘Negative perceptions of yourself only seek your permission to change.’

  Aspiring to be the best you can be is acceptable. Aspiring to be someone you are unlikely to be is limiting – not to mention draining! Treading water all the time and then wondering why that very same practice every day is getting you nowhere, because surely practice makes perfect, is saying to the world right there that you are placing limitations on yourself for one reason or another.

  Anti-nutrients are known to negatively impact on the absorption of nutrients and affect your health. Similarly, too much emphasis on these fillings which ooze failure, fear, guilt and need can impinge on your ability to live a happier life in the here and now, using up energy that could be welcome elsewhere.

  Whether they are born from your own weak spots or influenced by someone else’s, unfortunately they found their way to your door. Be open to the fact that they came to visit for a reason; it took a while for you to realise that their company was becoming intrusive, and they have overstayed their welcome. Now you know that, it will be easier to send them packing; only you can ask them to leave.

  The irony is that whilst we know they don’t do us a great deal of good, we may have justified their existence but eventually, they are not so much missed as noticeably absent and it is at that point we can have a healthier relationship with ourselves and other people.

  F*A*I*L*U*R*E

  Sugar Isn’t Always

  the Enemy!

  As the spacecraft landed safely on Earth the visiting alien carried out a quick sense check of the planet and confirmed back to base that its first mission could be recorded as F-A-I-L-U-R-E: Found An Inspirational Lifeform Using Ridiculous Excuses. News travelled fast as the hive of elders back home huddled together to watch from afar and learn about the excuses that the extra-terrestrials on Earth relied upon within their everyday life.

  They later found out that failure meant something different to everyone and it was influenced by expectations. By the time they finished their planetary assessment they came to the conclusion that human beings could be forgiven for creating excuses. This was because they seemingly lived in a world of emotional conflict, pulling them in so many directions that they frequently lost perspective on what was truly important and ridiculous excuses were a by-product.

  They were setting themselves so many limitations that when humans did analyse Failure they found it hard to accept that it could even exist. So consequently Failure was something to be ashamed of and people were becoming embarrassed to say its name in public. Stringing alternative letters together, in the hope that a new word will eventually replace the ‘F’ word and sound more acceptable, gradually sounded the right thing to do. They couldn’t avoid Failure so they were beginning to avoid using the word failure, almost believing that if they didn’t say it too loudly, then it would be unlikely to be overheard. If they could practise selective hearing and silence their own listening devices this would ensure that Failure didn’t have to be discussed and a lack of success would be a temporary period of time that existed until success finally showed up.

  The alien decided to create its own interpretation for the word failure and advised its elders that from hereon it would mean: Forever Am I Living Under Relentless Expectations.

  Its mission was to observe why the word failure was interpreted differently among the people and what impact Failure had on the people when it was experienced. Aliens know that life evolves and universally we are all at different stages in our own development. It wasn’t a surprise to learn that words are interpreted differently either. Nonetheless, the investigative alien was intrigued as to why a word had to be changed simply because people couldn’t learn to use it correctly in the first place. The word correct was always under scrutiny; the definition varied depending on which committee was doing the scrutinising.

  If the word failure could be better understood, taken at face value and explored within context, then would this approach reduce the emotional attachment that accompanies Failure? An emotion will exist when failure is experienced; this is inevitable – emotions are just dressed up differently from one human being to another. It is not the fact that an emotion unnecessarily supports an act of failure at the time it has occurred; it is the fact that emotions hover around for far too long after Failure has finished its business, washed the dishes and is thinking of its next meal! Failure is given far too much attention and this is why coping with an act of failure becomes difficult and can end up being more complicated than it needs to be. Failure has to develop its own ‘coping strategies’ when it lacks support.

  The alien also wrote in its report that it found that words themselves could represent Wisdom OR Disease, and provoke emotions and feelings. It found it odd that wisdom was often associated with positivity and disease could be prolonged by negativity. Failure was construed as an underachiever attracting negativity and, when it was held accountable in conversation, it was considered a disease. The alien went on to argue that Failure was innocent and was no more of a disease than the negative emotions stored in the mindset
of a human that kept Failure in an unhealthy state. Failure is admittedly an attention seeker but it can teach you so much.

  Failure is a character that is simply doing its job. Don’t dress it up to be something it isn’t but, at the same time, you don’t have to punish it and vocally condemn it as something to fear the next time it happens. Failure will step in again and be equally as annoying or embarrassing (even when you have attempted the same thing twice) but you have to keep trying – when you believe something is worth ‘fighting’ for. If you keep on failing, then maybe you really are hitting your head against a brick wall and it is time to go around the wall and see if success can greet you on the other side without getting a headache. Dealing with a failure is another area for consideration, but for now we need to come to terms with its existence and see if together we can approach it differently and not succumb to intimidation.

  If something hasn’t worked out the way you planned you may conclude that you have failed. If you tried to do something and it went completely wrong, let’s face it, you have failed and on this occasion you were not successful. If it worked out, then (guess what?) you didn’t fail; your plan worked and it was considered a success. Failure is as it is; you don’t have to protect Failure, hiding it away as if your lack of accomplishment needs to be disguised. You may want to disguise the fact you failed but what is this really saying about you?! You didn’t want to fail; no one wants to fail intentionally. You may feel embarrassed because other people are now aware that you failed; so what?! Don’t they fail as well? Is everyone else so perfect that their acts of failure look prettier than yours? Is it how you react to Failure, when it shows up, that is the difference between being a good or a bad loser?

  Wisdom insinuates that something positive has been woven into the contours of the word that gives it the respect it deserves. We forget that wisdom has been on more adventures than Aladdin and his magic carpet and is born out of negative experiences that have learned the error of their ways. OK, so it may have inherited its experiences from one life to the next, but even wisdom had to start somewhere.