I wished he would talk to me. Last night had been confusing enough. I’d never been touched that way, never felt the things I felt. And the shame that came over me afterward, when he pulled away and rushed me to get dressed, my mother’s voice was suddenly in my head, telling me what a bad girl I was. It wasn’t a new speech, to be perfectly honest. But it wasn’t one I enjoyed hearing.
I was overwhelmed last night with the knowledge that Kirkland wanted me. However, I was wondering if he was having second thoughts today.
“Isn’t this whole thing insane? I’m thinking eloping wouldn’t be such a bad idea if I ever decide to get married again.”
I glanced at Joss. “You’ve been married before?”
“Yeah.”
Kate shot me a look, as if I shouldn’t have asked that, but Joss seemed okay with it.
“It was a while ago,” she said. “We had a big wedding like this. I can remember what it was like, all the planning and the shopping and the parties. About drove me insane.”
“If you think this is bad, you should have seen how crazy things got at my house when both my oldest brothers got married at the same time. You’d think they were welcoming a rock star into the family or something.”
Joss chuckled. “Family is insane.”
“Do you have a big family?”
Kate again shot me one of those looks, but Joss just shrugged. “My parents are both dead, but my husband had a big family, and they still call me all the time, checking in on me. Intrusive, but nice. It’s nice to know someone cares about you, you know?”
“I do.”
Ricki came dancing down the aisle, her face flushed as she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back in place.
“Okay. We’re going to practice the procession.”
“I guess I’m up first,” Joss said.
She started up the aisle, moving at a slow pace as someone turned on the wedding march over a phone app.
“Hey!” Ricki called. “We’re not using that song. We’re doing the melody from ‘Wind beneath My Wings!’”
“This is the best we can do, love,” David called back.
Ricki groaned. “This is going so well.”
“It’s just a song,” I said. “Everything will be perfect tomorrow.”
“I hope so.”
I watched Joss make her way slowly up the aisle, Kirkland coming to meet her about halfway down. She did a little curtsey in response to the bow he executed perfectly.
“Come on, guys. Don’t play around,” Ricki said.
Kirkland ignored Ricki, holding out a bent elbow to Joss. She took it reverently, smiling up at him as they began to walk up the aisle. As they did, Kate began her walk, moving slowly as Donovan came around to greet her. He kissed her temple as he took her arm, whispering something softly against her ear. The way they looked at each other…it made me glad I didn’t go home. I’m glad I insisted in living my own life. Otherwise, my parents would have set me up with guy after guy until I felt pressured into picking one just to get them off my back. They still set me up, always bringing guys to the house when I managed to go home for a visit. When would they understand that I wanted a man who’d look at me that way?
And then it was my turn. I could feel so many eyes on me as I made my way up the aisle in the same slow, shuffling walk Kate and Joss had done. Ash moved around Donovan to come to my side. He was so handsome, that smile enough to make a girl feel like she was the only thing that mattered to him. The woman who won his heart was a lucky lady.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked close to my ear as he tucked my arm through his.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
Kirkland was watching us as we walked up the aisle, his eyes moving from our locked arms to my face. I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t know if he was thinking about last night, or if he was hoping my case would end soon so he could get rid of me.
As soon as Ash and I were in place, Ricki started her slow march up the aisle. She blushed when Kirkland whistled and Donovan joined in. David turned and punched each of them in the arm, but they just laughed. And then he went down the aisle to meet her, smiling so big as he did that it looked uncomfortable.
Ricki told me that he was in a wheelchair when they first met. I watched him walk her up the aisle and realized I would never have guessed if she hadn’t told me.
The priest greeted them at the altar and began to explain how the ceremony would go. Carrington Matthews, the shipping magnet who also happened to be the father of Joss’ baby, came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Kate and Donovan kept stealing glances at each other from across the aisle. But Kirkland…he was studying his nails as if he was bored out of his mind.
He wasn’t much of a romantic, I guessed.
The entire wedding party headed over to a local restaurant, a Mexican place that served the best fajitas in town—at least, that’s what the sign outside said—the margaritas flowing almost immediately. They had us divided up, boys on one side and girls on the other, but that only lasted about fifteen minutes. Long enough for the bride and groom to hand out the gifts they’d gotten for the members of the wedding party. Then Kate somehow ended up next to Donovan and Joss was beside Kirkland, Carrington sitting on her other side. And there were others who joined the party, friends and family from out of town who came for the food.
Again, it reminded me of one of my family’s gatherings with the addition of alcohol. I sipped water and watched David; he absolutely adored my friend.
“What do you think of this bunch?” Ash asked, stealing the chair beside me.
“I think they’re a pretty close family.”
“We are, aren’t we?”
He sipped out of the heavy tumbler he had in his hand, his eyes moving over every face at the table, lingering on his brother.
“I thought my family was pretty much lost three years ago. My fiancée was missing, my parents were dead, and my brother was in the hospital, fighting for his life.” He shook his head. “They were the worst days of my life. I thought I was truly alone for the first time. Ever.”
“But it all worked out.”
“With a lot of hard work.” He set his glass down and studied my face. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Are you doing this article on me because of Alexi?”
I shook my head. “That’s what sparked the idea, I’ll be honest. But the more time I spend with each of you, the more I get to know the people at Gray Wolf, the more I want to know about the guy who runs the whole thing.”
“But an article—?”
“If my nosiness helps the business, more the better, right?”
He smiled. “I like the way you think.”
“Thank you.”
He touched my shoulder, his gaze moving down the table to where Kirkland and Joss appeared to be lost in conversation.
“Whatever you’ve done to him, whatever influence you’ve exerted over him, I’m grateful.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kirkland is…” He stopped, as though he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. But then he took a deep breath, rolling his tumbler between his big, beefy hands. “Kirkland’s had a troubled past. He doesn’t talk about it, but I know it still haunts him, and I think it has a lot to do with the way he is around women.”
“I know about his dad.”
“Yeah, well, there’s more to it than that.”
Ash looked over at Kirkland again. I looked up, too, and caught him watching the two of us. Again, his expression was unreadable.
“Just so you know,” Ash said, drawing my attention back to him, “I just gave him the night off, and he insisted on escorting you to the hotel anyway.”
I looked over at Kirkland again, but he had his head bent low, close to Joss’ lips, the two of them so close that if Carrington hadn’t been sitting beside Joss with his hand resting casually on her shoulder, I might hav
e thought they were a couple.
I wished I knew what was going on in Kirkland’s head.
Chapter 19
Kirkland
“What do you suppose they’re talking about?”
I gestured with my head toward Mabel and Ash. Joss followed my gaze, a slow smile slipping over her lips. “Are you jealous?”
“I’d have to care to be jealous. I’m just curious.”
“I don’t know. But Ash always makes a point of trying to make our clients comfortable. You know that.”
“But he doesn’t usually seek out the same client on more than one occasion.”
“It’s a wedding, Kirkland. His brother’s wedding. He’s just making nice with his sister-in-law’s friends.”
“Maybe.”
She pushed my shoulder a little harder than necessary. “Didn’t Ash give you the night off?”
“He did.”
“Mabel’s going to be at the hotel with Donovan and Kate and David and Ricki and…doesn’t Ash have a room at the hotel, too?”
“I think so.”
“Then you should have a few drinks, go find a pretty girl to share your bed.”
I nodded. “I should. But I want to drive Mabel to the hotel first.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s my responsibility and it’s my job.”
“But Ash told you—”
“Why is this so important to you?”
Joss shrugged, looking a little hurt at my harsh tone. I immediately took her hand and kissed her palm lightly.
“Sorry, kid.”
She shrugged even as Carrington leaned over her and said, “You should probably not do that.”
A part of me knew he was kidding, but there was just something about this whole situation that was getting on my nerves. David and Ricki falling all over themselves at the head of the table. Donovan and Kate practically making out in the chairs behind me. And Ash talking to Mabel…what the hell were they talking about?
I needed some air.
I got up and went out the front doors, pushing past people waiting for tables in the main dining area. I felt like I was suffocating. I set my hands on my knees and bent over, sucking in breath after breath of fresh air, vaguely aware of people walking around me.
“You okay?”
A soft hand moved over the small of my back. It felt really nice.
I straightened and turned, my head expecting to find Mabel standing there. Why would I assume it was Mabel standing behind me, touching me without having some sort of virginal conniption fit? But it wasn’t. It was the blonde Joss had pointed out to me at the luncheon two days ago. The same day Mabel made her indecent proposal to me.
That’s what it was. Mabel proposal was eating away at my self-control, at my thoughts and my desires. I couldn’t think of anything else.
“You okay?” the blonde asked again with a little smile.
“Fine.”
“You know,” she said, moving close to me, pressing a hand to the center of my chest, “I’m staying at the hotel where the wedding party’s staying. I don’t suppose you’d like to come up and have a drink with me, would you?”
I studied her face, watched the way her eyes moved over me, drinking in everything about me she found exciting. But she didn’t know anything about me. She didn’t know about the tattoo, about the women whose initials were permanently branded there. She didn’t know about my mom, my dad, or my older brothers. She didn’t know where I came from or where I’ve been, the things I’ve seen. That used to be a blessing. That used to be why I chose the women I did. They knew nothing about me.
But maybe I wanted to try my luck with someone who knew all about me and still wanted to seduce me.
“I’m in room 422,” she said, moving close enough to me to kiss my cheek ever so lightly, her hand slipping against my hip as she put a key card in my pocket. “Maybe I’ll see you later.”
When she turned, I saw Mabel standing a few feet away, her face pale as she watched the blonde come toward her. Then her shocked expression moved to me, her eyes just slightly narrowing.
“Mabel, that wasn’t—”
But then Ash came through the door, and she grabbed his arm. “You wouldn’t mind driving me to the hotel, would you?”
Ash looked from her to me and back again. “Of course not.”
All I could do was stand there and watch them walk away.
***
I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know why I chose this place. Los Angeles was a big, fucking town. There were more bars than there were churches here. I could have gone to any bar I wanted to. I was known at most of the bars. I could have gotten in without paying the cover charge at a dozen bars. I could have had free drinks at a dozen more. But I came here.
To the same hotel where Mabel was staying.
I knew what room she was in. I could go up there and insist on talking to her, explain to her what it was she thought she saw. However, I also still had this key card, the one the blonde slipped me. But I knew if I went to the blonde, tomorrow night would be done and gone.
Which should I choose? The virgin who was in love with someone else? Or the blonde who wouldn’t matter when the sun came up?
“I thought that was you.”
David climbed into the stool beside me and waved to the bartender, ordering a draft.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“No. It’s stupid, but I’ve gotten so used to sleeping next to Ricki that I just can’t get comfortable without her there.”
“It’s a stupid tradition,” I said, “this whole sleeping apart the night before the wedding thing.”
“Yeah, well, Ricki insists it’ll make the sex better tomorrow night.”
I chuckled. “Anything for good sex.”
David looked at me. “So, I thought Ash gave you the night off.”
“Why does everyone keep pointing that out?”
“Because you would normally have been out the door the second the words fell from his lips. But, here you are, in the hotel where everyone’s upstairs having hot sex because of my wedding.”
I shook my head, tapping the key card against the bar. “Don’t take too much credit, brother.”
“Oh, I take all the credit. You of all people know how hot a wedding makes people.”
“True.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
I took a deep breath and focused on David. “Can I ask you a question?”
David shrugged. “Sure.”
“Have you ever been with a virgin?”
He picked up his beer of mug and stared at it, an excuse to allow him a few seconds before he had to answer.
“When I was in college.”
“What was it like?”
“Messy. Frustrating. Painful.”
“For you or for her?”
“Both of us.”
I picked up my own drink—a shot glass of tequila—and downed it in one, quick swallow.
“Why?”
“Was the girl in love with you afterward? I mean, did she make a big deal out of you being the one to do it with her the first time?”
“We were in a relationship. She told me she loved me before, and we dated another four or five months afterward.”
I made a gesture to the bartender, asking for another drink. When he brought it, I set a credit card on the bar and took the bottle out of his hand.
“Is this about Mabel?” David asked.
I glanced at him, aware that the promise Ash made me make had come from him in the first place. But he didn’t seem annoyed. He seemed nothing more than curious.
“She asked me if I would take her virginity the night of the wedding. She’s worried about the people she works with finding out.”
“How would they find out?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think that maybe she’s just tired of feeling like a fraud. I mean, you have to admit it’s kind of odd, this woman who runs one of the biggest porn websites in the coun
try is a virgin.”
“I actually thought Ricki had misunderstood when she first told me. But then I met Mabel.”
“She’s a sweet girl,” I said.
David nodded in clear agreement. “She is. But it’s almost comical trying to imagine her watching her own porn movies.”
“She’s never watched any of them. She has staff members who do it.”
David chuckled just before he took another sip of his beer.
“I know you told Ash to make sure I kept my hands off—”
David waved at me. “I just didn’t want you taking advantage of her. But Ricki told me that Mabel’s interested in you. And if she asked you outright…”
“But I’m not sure I can do it. I don’t want to hurt her.”
David turned to look at me, his eyebrows raised. “Since when does Kirkland Parish care about the woman in his bed?”
“I care. Just not as much as other guys, I guess.”
“I heard you pissed off some girl a couple of weeks ago because you couldn’t remember her name even though you brought her home from a bar.”
“Joss has been talking.”
“I heard it from Donovan, but it’s not the first story of its kind I’ve heard.”
I downed another shot of tequila, then another.
“Mabel’s different.”
“She is.” David touched my arm, regarding me with something new in his eyes. Was it respect? Or just the absence of disrespect? “My advice would be that you go slow, be gentle. Don’t rush her and tell her everything you’re going to do before you do it so you don’t catch her by surprise. And lay with her afterward, reassure her that you aren’t just going to run off once the act is done.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“Maybe not. But a woman like Mabel needs to know that you respect her and her body.”
I nodded. “Thanks, brother.”
“Anytime.” David finished his beer and climbed off his stool. “It’s not such a bad thing to let a woman in, Kirkland. I never thought I’d be happy with some woman telling me what to do and using my razor without permission. But…men were really never meant to be alone. It’s just not how we’re wired no matter how much we want to convince ourselves the opposite is true.”
KIRKLAND: A Standalone Romance (Gray Wolf Security) Page 12