I watched him go, wondering if it was the fact that he was about to get married that suddenly made him an expert in relationships. Commitment required trust. How could I trust a woman when my own mother couldn’t stick around? When the girl I loved turned her back on me, lied to me, and left herself vulnerable because of those lies? How could I trust when everyone I ever counted on showed me that trust was just a word, that love was just a convenient way of getting what you wanted?
I stood up, that card key still in my hand. I tapped it against the bar a couple of times and then set it down, pushing it away from me.
And I walked away.
Chapter 20
Mabel
“It’s not going to button up! What are we going to do?”
“Relax,” I said, patting Ricki’s back before I tugged at the back of her dress. The buttons were coming together just fine, she was simply panicking because it was bunched up a little around her waist so it felt tighter than it had last week in the dress shop. “There,” I finally said, doing the last button and tugging at the skirt so that the dress fell perfectly around her hips.
Ricki stared at herself in the mirror, her eyes flooding with tears as she did.
“I can’t believe this day is finally here.”
“You look beautiful.”
She smiled.
The wedding dress was made of yards and yards of antique lace, a gorgeous thing that fell from a high neck down to a loose-fitting mermaid skirt that flowed into a sort of upside down rose around her calves. She looked so beautiful there really were not words.
“You can’t cry,” Kate said, bringing a box of tissues. “You’ll ruin all the work we did on your face.”
“How did you keep from crying?”
Kate shrugged. “Donovan and I had known each other since we were little kids. I was just so grateful that we’d finally found our way back to each other that I was too happy to cry.”
“I’m happy, too,” Ricki said. “But I cry when I’m happy.”
I laughed, grabbing a handful of tissues and pressing them to the space under her eyes. She laughed, too, but tears still spilled over her bottom lid, wetting the tissue.
“We should get dressed, ladies,” Joss said. “The ceremony starts in twenty minutes.”
Kate and Joss rushed out into the sitting room where our bridesmaid dresses were waiting. But I stayed behind with Ricki.
We’d spent much of the night whispering in the dark, as we lay side by side on the bed. Ricki was regretting not trying to contact her mother. I knew there’d been tension there ever since Ricki’s mother chose her boyfriend over Ricki —even after the man beat Ricki in front of the whole family. But there was something about experiencing a moment like this that made a girl wish her mother could be there…no matter how awful her mother really was.
It made me think about my family. I knew they loved me and their hearts were in the right place. I couldn’t imagine getting married without them, even if they’d argue to the moment I walked down the aisle for a proper, Mormon wedding.
“This is your day,” I said, touching her shoulders. “You’re about to marry the man you love. Don’t let anything ruin it.”
She touched my hand. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
She turned and looked at me. “This’ll be you someday soon. And I’ll walk down the aisle with you.”
“You better.”
I kissed her cheek, then took a deep breath. She laughed, touching my face lightly.
“I don’t know who’s more nervous, you or me.”
I just smiled, but she couldn’t have been closer to the truth. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kirkland and that woman I saw slip a room key into his pocket last night. All the time Ricki was talking about her nervousness, about David, and about her mother, I was wondering what Kirkland was doing. Was he with her? Was he alone? Was he thinking about me? Or was he only thinking about himself?
Tonight was the night, for better or for worse. I still wasn’t sure what Kirkland wanted, but I knew he would do what I asked. And that scared me to death.
Was I really ready to lie with a man?
***
We were driven to the church in a limo, the five minute drive long enough to make us all jittery with nerves. The music was already playing as we drove up, the groomsmen and the groom already waiting at the altar. The doors between the lobby and the sacristy opened with a burst, Joss moving into her march just seconds after rushing up the stairs. Her cheeks were flushed, and she was breathing a little hard, but she somehow managed to hide the rush. I caught a glimpse of Kirkland meeting her halfway down the aisle, slipping her arm through his and continuing up to the altar. McKelty was sitting to one side toward the front of the room. She waved enthusiastically as Joss walked past.
Then Kate, her lovely lavender dress a perfect complement to her skin tone. She was absolutely glowing. All heads turned as she made her procession down the aisle, especially when Donovan greeted her halfway with a soft smile and a quickly whispered endearment.
And then it was my turn. I was so nervous my knees were shaking. My hands—wrapped around the simple bouquet of carnations and baby’s breath—were soaked in sweat. I wasn’t sure I could do this without tripping and falling flat on my face. I tried to warn Ash last night that it was a definite possibility, but he laughed it off, assuring me I’d be fine. I wasn’t so sure.
But then I saw Kirkland’s face as his eyes fell on me for the first time. Joss’ dress was yellow, Kate’s lavender. Mine was a lovely shade of pink. Like Joss and Kate’s, my dress was a tulip mermaid-style with a princess neckline. I didn’t fill it the same way Joss and Kate did. Kate was so slender and shapely that she looked like a model from one of the bridal magazines. Joss’ pregnancy made the front of her dress bubble out just slightly, but she still carried it off as if it was made for her. Mine…my curves were a little more generous than the others. But I thought it looked pretty good.
And Kirkland, the way he looked at me…my heart soared and my nervousness suddenly disappeared. If he thought I looked okay, then that was all that mattered to me.
Ash arrived at my side, that smile that made me feel impossibly important greeting me.
“You’re beautiful,” he said, as he slid my arm through his.
I barely heard him. My eyes were glued to Kirkland, my thoughts on Kirkland. I missed half of what came next because I couldn’t concentrate on anything but Kirkland.
I wanted to talk to him; I wanted to know if he’d been with that woman last night. I asked myself over and over if that mattered. But I knew it did. I knew I wanted more than just this one night. I knew that if Kirkland wanted me, I’d be his for the rest of my life. And, for the moment, I thought maybe there was a little chance. But then I remembered the scene outside the restaurant.
They pulled us back for pictures the moment the ceremony was over. It seemed I was constantly on the other side of the room from Kirkland. And when it was time to go back to the hotel for the reception, he ended up in a different car.
I was beginning to think he was avoiding me.
I stood just inside the doorway of the ballroom, watching the festivities begin. It was an open bar, so everyone was already getting his or her choice of oblivion. Donovan had Kate just off to the side of the dance floor, swaying with her as they waited for the music to begin and the first dance to be done. Carrington and Joss were sitting at one of the tables, McKelty between them, laughing at something the child had said. Eric was there, talking to Ricki’s personal assistant, Jacy.
Everyone looked happy.
I was about to step inside and take my place at the head table when a hand gripped my wrist and pulled me back out into the hallway. And then Kirkland was there, stealing a kiss that was almost desperate in its intensity. I moved into him, slipping my hands under his tux jacket, smoothing my hands over his back even as I tugged him closer to me.
He was warm and his muscles were so…muscular. I don’t know how to
describe it but to say that I’ve never felt anything so wonderful and scary and exciting all at the same time.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against my ear, as his lips created a heated trail down the side of my neck. Just as I was melting, my nerves all awake and eager for his touch, he pulled back, smoothing the side of his hand against my cheek. “You’re all I’ve been thinking about all day.”
“Yeah?”
He kissed me again. At the same moment, the ballroom erupted with applause. The bride and groom must have arrived. He groaned, sliding his hand over my arm before taking my hand.
“We should go.”
“We’re always running off somewhere.”
“Not tonight.”
The promise in those words made my whole body ache with possibilities.
Chapter 21
Kirkland
Laughter flowed like the champagne. I don’t think I’d ever seen this group of people I work with as happy as they were tonight. There were no threatening emails, no drug cartels trying to shoot at us. There was no PTSD, no nightmares. It was just us and champagne and good food and good friends. It was Mabel watching me from across the table and the growing need to take her upstairs and show her what it was she wanted to know.
“You’re an asshole, you know?” The blonde from the night before was leaning over me, whispering in my ear. “Where’s the key card I gave you last night?”
“Left it in the bar.”
“Just like that? Didn’t bother to come upstairs to blow me off in person?”
“That’s kind of the definition of blowing someone off, isn’t it?”
Her face reddened as she stared at me. I think she might have said something more, something a little less discreet, but the DJ chose that moment to call the wedding party out to the floor.
“Excuse me,” I said, moving around her as I went in search of Joss.
The eight of us stepped onto the dance floor together. Donovan and Kate were already moving into each other, the music only an afterthought to the rhythm that already existed between them. The same with David and Ricki. Mabel shot me a glance as Ash pulled her into his arms, her eyes dark with emotion. And then Joss was in my arms, her swollen belly growing more and more each day, enough that it pressed against my waist as I held her.
“That blonde looked angry.”
“Disappointed, more like it.”
She just nodded, her eyes moving to Ash and Mabel.
“Beautiful ceremony.”
“It was.”
“Mabel looks great.”
“Don’t start with me, Joss,” I said, turning her so that she couldn’t see Mabel.
“I’m not starting anything. I’m just…I heard a rumor.”
I groaned. “You and your rumors.”
“There seems to be an awful lot about you these days.”
“And what does this one say?”
“That you and Mabel are hooking up tonight.”
I glanced at David, wondering whom he didn’t tell. That, right there, is why I don’t trust people, why I don’t tell my secrets.
“It’s nobody’s business but ours.”
“True.” Joss stepped back slightly so she could see my eyes clearly. “But I wish you wouldn’t.”
I was surprised. I figured Joss of all people would be thrilled to see me turning down women like the blonde in favor of girls like Mabel. But there was no amusement in her eyes, nothing that indicated she was kidding.
“You’re my friend, Kirkland. And I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Me?”
“If you go down this road, you’re going to have to do things, be someone, you aren’t ready to be.”
“This isn’t an engagement. We aren’t getting married. It’s just one night.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Carrington came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Mind if I cut in?”
I stepped back, aware that others had come onto the dance floor. I walked over to Ash, tapping on his shoulder, too. Mabel smiled, as I pulled her into my arms.
“Let’s get out of here,” I whispered near her ear.
Her body seemed to vibrate with excitement. But she shook her head.
“We have to wait until they leave. I have to help Ricki with her things.”
“As soon as they’re gone?”
She nodded.
***
I stayed back and watched the rest of the festivities from a distance. They didn’t need me for the rest of the stupid traditions. The cake. The tossing of the garter. The throwing of the bouquet. I was a little surprised to see Joss go after the bouquet so eagerly, wondering if Carrington was aware that she was hearing wedding bells. And then the procession out to the happy couple’s getaway car. It was decorated with a large number of condoms and a few vibrators, likely purchased from Mabel’s website. I didn’t help, but I knew they would assume it had all been my idea. I didn’t want to be there for that.
I tugged Mabel away from the crowd, pulling her back against the length of my body.
“You shouldn’t go with them. I might not be safe.”
“Then maybe it’s time to go upstairs.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
We slipped away as the crowd crossed the hotel lobby, everyone so drunk that they were acting like a bunch of hooligans. I could see the hotel manager watching, a cringe on his face. Even Ash was part of it, walking close to David, whispering last minute advice to him as he prepared to leave on his first night as a married man. I wondered what advice Ash had for him since he wasn’t married. However, my brothers didn’t really give a rat’s ass what I was up to, and Ash was constantly in David’s business, so there must have been something they could share.
Mabel and I stepped onto the elevator. She pushed the button for the right floor, then turned into me. I brushed a loose piece of hair away from her face, my hand shaking a little. Was I nervous? Yeah, I was. I’d never been with a virgin before, not even in middle school when I lost my own virginity. The girls at my school learned very early the art of teasing and pleasing the boys in their lives.
“If you’ve changed your mind,” she said softly.
“No.” I touched her face again. “I’ve thought of nothing else for days.”
“But last night—?”
“Last night was not what it looked like. I didn’t even know that woman.”
“You just have strange women walking up to you, offering you their room keys?”
“Sometimes.”
She brushed her hand over my jaw, standing on her tiptoes to kiss me lightly.
“Okay,” was all she said.
The elevator doors opened, and we walked hand-in-hand to the room she’d booked. Her hand was shaking too, so I took the key and opened the door after two tries. We stepped inside to find a simple room like all the other rooms I’d ever stayed in. The difference was the beautiful woman at my side.
She crossed the room, dropping her tiny evening bag on the desk, her eyes focused on everything but the bed.
“Do you want a drink? Or something to eat? We could order room service.”
“Maybe later.”
She nodded. “Do you want to see what’s on television?”
“No.”
“We could—”
“Relax, Mabel.” I moved up behind her and slid my hands over her bare arms. She was so tense that I could actually feel the vibration of tension in her muscles. I kissed her neck, but that just made her stiffen even more.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m just…now that the moment’s here…”
“I know.”
I stepped back and slipped out of my jacket, hanging it over the back of a chair. Then the tie, tugging it away and shoving it into a pocket of the jacket so it wouldn’t get lost before I began to tug at the buttons on my shirt.
“What are you doing?”
She hadn’t turned, but she could see me in the ref
lection of the windows.
“I’m getting comfortable.”
The shirt slipped away, joining the jacket on the chair, then my shoes, my feet rejoicing at the release from the tight, not-quite-the-right-fit shoes. I thought briefly about dropping trou, but decided not to. Instead, I lifted my undershirt off and sat on the end of the bed to slip my socks off. I always thought it was tacky, men who had sex with their socks on.
“Do you want to go change?” I asked. “You must have something more comfortable in your bag.”
She shook her head, still facing the windows. I wanted to go to her, but I was afraid touching her was the last thing she wanted from me. So I stayed where I was and just waited.
“I’m being stupid, aren’t I?” she asked in a small voice.
I had to go to her then.
“You could never be stupid. But if you’ve changed your mind—”
“No. I just don’t know what to do next. And I can’t break away from this little voice in the back of my head telling me this is so wrong.”
“Why don’t you take off this dress and come lay on the bed with me. We don’t have to do anything, just lay down for a while.”
“What if I fall asleep?”
I bit back laughter. “Then you get some rest.” I kissed her shoulder. “Why don’t you go take a hot bath? Put on something comfortable? And I’ll order a pizza.”
“Are you sure?” She turned, finally looking at me. “I know that’s not what we came up here to do.”
“Who says?” I brushed hair from her face again, lifting her chin for another kiss. “We’re here to be together. What we do—and when we do it—doesn’t really matter.”
“Why are you so good to me?” she asked softly.
It was a good question.
I pushed her toward the bathroom and watched her disappear, my eyes slowly closing as I wondered if I’d made a mistake. Maybe this wasn’t where I should be. Maybe this wasn’t the right thing. Maybe I should go back downstairs and find some pretty blonde who wouldn’t care if I bent her over a piece of furniture and forgot all about gentle, slow, or any of the other words David had told me to be.
KIRKLAND: A Standalone Romance (Gray Wolf Security) Page 13