A Mother to Love

by Gail Gaymer Martin

  Rather than drag out the situation with more of her calls, he hit her number on his cell and listened to it ring. After the fourth ring, he expected it to go to voice mail. Not wanting to leave a message, he pulled the phone from his ear and moved his finger to the end-call button, but Glenda’s voice stopped him. “I’ve called and called, Rick. Why are you ignoring me?”

  He pressed the phone to his ear. “What are you talking about, Glenda? I have a cell phone, and you know to call me on it. I’ve asked you more than once. I wasn’t home, so how would I know I have calls?”

  “Where were you? Dragging my daughter around to—”

  “Our daughter.” He cringed at the accusation. “Glenda, Carly belongs to both of us. We both love her beyond words.” He swallowed the burning bile in his throat. Again he glanced toward the doorway to make sure he was alone. “I was out, but you can be sure Carly is in good hands. In fact, she had a wonderful time. Would you like to talk with her and ask?”

  “No. It’s too late now.”

  His fingers ached from gripping the phone. He could do without the bitterness that continued to grow in their relationship. “What was important?”

  “I had a wonderful event I wanted to share with Carly tonight, but you messed it up. It’s too late now, obviously. You could have returned my call.”

  He shook his head. He knew better than to try to reason with her. She was unwilling to give an inch, not even to common sense. “Maybe you should plan these wonderful events when she’s with you. You know I have her some of the weekend.”

  He clamped his teeth around the comments he longed to say. Having Carly every weekend would be perfect. Having her every day would be better. The old discussion seemed unending, and he could attract more bees with a spoonful of sugar than a cupful of vinegar.

  “Glenda, let’s not argue over something that apparently is too late to fix.” He drew in a deep breath. “First, this is my time with Carly, which is very limited in comparison to your many days with her. I haven’t fought you on that, as you know, even though I would like to have her with me more. So when things happen ahead of time, we could trade weekends or add another weekend to her visit with me, but you can’t expect me to drop my plans at the last minute. Let’s be adult about this and—”

  “I’m trying to be adult about this, Richard, but you don’t return my calls and, as you said, it’s pointless.”

  His shoulders slumped with his useless attempt to resolve the problem. “You’re right. Whatever you say. It’s late, and I’ll say good-night. You’ll have Carly back after school on Monday. I’ll drop her clothes by the house on the way to the school. Sleep well.” Without waiting for an argument, he clicked the end-call button and dropped into a chair.

  “Was that Mom?”

  Carly’s voice shattered his attempt to hide the newest fiasco. He gave her a fleeting look and a faint nod.

  “She’s upset again.” She sailed across the floor and climbed onto his lap. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  His heart melted. “Please don’t be sorry, sweetie. It’s not your fault. If Mom wants something, she knows to call my cell phone, but she forgets and—”

  “She doesn’t forget.” Her head swung back and forth like a swinging door. “Mom does what she wants.”

  He drew her into his arms and held her close without a word. A five-year-old had more wisdom than her parents at times. The situation broke his heart, and a stab of regret nailed him to the chair. Something had to be done, yet he felt helpless. How could he show Glenda that they needed better communication? Their arguments didn’t give Carly a sense of well-being. “I love you, sweetheart.”

  “I know you do.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I love you, too.” With her head on his shoulder, she sat without speaking while his mind twisted and turned with longing and a prayer that the Lord could find an answer that wouldn’t drag Carly into court as a witness in a case that pit one parent against the other. Glenda knew him too well. She’d love him to be out of the picture entirely. She seemed to do anything she could that might cause him to back away and give up, because she knew he didn’t want to put their dear daughter through the mess. He could never hurt Carly that way.

  “Daddy?”

  “What, angel?” Wisps of her soft burnished hair brushed his neck.

  “I had fun today. I like Angie ’cause she let me pick out the flowers for her garden, and when we got back she asked if we could go to the park, and you said yes. I loved the slide.” She put her hand over her mouth and chuckled. “Angie tried to do it, too, but she was too big for that little slide.”

  Though he chuckled with her, his chest constricted. “She is a nice lady.”

  Her head tilted upward, her grin marred by a growing frown. “Daddy?”

  “What, my girl?” He feared she would say what he suspected had been on her mind, but hoped he was wrong.

  “Why can’t Mom be like Angie? Mom doesn’t show me how to do anything, and if she wants me to do something, she hollers at me ’cause she’s too busy to teach me.”

  A vise bound his lungs. “Some people don’t have the same amount of patience as other people. I guess Angie has lots of it.”

  “Lots and lots.” Carly’s head bounced like a yo-yo. “We’ll see her tomorrow, but can we visit her again other times? She’s fun.”

  “I’m sure we can.” He ruffled her hair. “Now I think it’s time for one young lady that I love with all my heart to go to bed.”

  Her frown vanished, replaced by a grin. “That’s me, isn’t it?”

  “You know it is. You’re the only young lady I love with all my heart.”

  “I love you with all of my heart and fingers and toes.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek before hopping down. “Good night, Daddy.”

  “Good night, sweetheart. I’ll be there in couple of minutes to tuck you in.”

  She walked backward toward the doorway. “I know. You always do.” She giggled and spun around.

  When she had vanished through the archway, Rick sat for a moment, catching his breath and willing his sadness to go into hiding. He hadn’t cried in years, but tonight, the desire was strong. Racked with frustration, he stared at his hands, hands that were tied by attorneys, courts and judges. But he’d win somehow. He just had to find the way.

  * * *

  Hot coffee sputtered from Angie’s mouth when the phone rang. She was careful with the first cup in the morning. It was always too hot, but the phone’s ring made her jump and slosh it. She swiped a paper napkin across her mouth and went in search of her cell phone. She grabbed it on the fourth ring. Her heart lurched when she saw Rick’s number in the window. “Hi. Is something wrong?”

  “Not from this end, but I think I woke you, didn’t I?”

  “No, I was in the kitchen with my first cup of coffee.” She glanced at the clock, surprised he’d called so early. “If nothing’s wrong, then what’s right?”

  He chuckled. “We’re getting ready to leave for church in about fifteen minutes, and I realized I should have suggested this earlier. It hit me a few minutes ago. I wondered if you might like to go to church with us. Now, I know that you said—”

  “Rick, that wouldn’t stop me from joining you, but I slept in today. I’m not dressed and haven’t had a bite to eat, so I’d better say no.” She sensed his disappointment. “But ask me again, okay?”

  “Sure. I knew this was a long shot. Carly really enjoyed her time with you, and I wanted you to know.”

  Her chest tightened as she pictured the child’s gleaming face as she’d helped select the garden flowers and enjoyed their outing at the park. “She’s delightful, Rick. I had fun, too. She brought back the girl in me. You saw me on the slide.”

  “She does good things for both of us.” Though he’d given a faint chuckle, his voice faded at the
end of his sentence.

  She sensed something wasn’t quite right. “What’s up? I hear stress in your voice.”

  “You have good ears.” He paused a moment. “I was checking to make sure Carly’s out of earshot. I had four, maybe five, calls from her mother last night. She left voice mails on my landline. It threw me. I was so frustrated I couldn’t sleep.”

  He filled in the details, and her pulse skipped over the tension he’d dealt with not only last night but other times during his marriage. None of it was her business, and though she wanted to make things better for him, running down his former wife and Carly’s mother wouldn’t be kind or appropriate. “I’m so sorry, Rick. I know that you want the best for Carly, and I suppose her mother wants the same, but her way. Maybe someday you’ll get lucky...blessed to have a solution to undo the situation. Carly belongs with you.”

  “I pray, Angie.”

  She heard him breathe, but he didn’t speak. She waited, a helpless feeling growing in her chest.

  “I’d better go. We need to leave for church. Thanks for listening. I’m sorry to dump all this on you. Maybe you made a mistake being a good friend to—”

  “Hold on, Rick. Like the cliché says, what are friends for? You listened to me and volunteered to come to my aid with many things. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of a coworker, don’t you think?”

  “But that’s different. I enjoy your company, so it’s not a hardship for me.”

  It wasn’t a hardship for her, either. She’d never enjoyed a man’s company as much, not even Cal and his motorcycle pals. “Enjoying your company is mutual, especially since I adore your daughter.”

  Silence.

  Why had she been so direct? “Rick, I appreciate your kindness, too.”

  “I know. You just touched me with your comment about Carly. It’s wonderful to hear someone say they adore her.”

  “I’m hooked. You know the old hook, line and sinker? That’s me.”

  He chuckled. “To be honest, Carly had tons of fun. So if you have things we can do other weekends, let us know.”

  “I can always find work but even more, I would love fun days with Carly.”

  “I’d like that, too.”

  His voice had a zing to it that she hadn’t heard lately. “So would I.”

  “We’ll see you after church if you still want us.”

  “Want you? I’m counting on it.” Her heart smiled despite her sorrow for his situation.

  When they ended the call, she sank into the chair, eyed her coffee that was now cool enough to drink, but her stomach had knotted. Confused, she leaned back and searched her head for meaning. She had planned to stay uninvolved with men until she had a grip on her life and knew what she wanted from it. She’d failed already, and it troubled her. She had to keep a grip on her involvement, and even more, her emotions.

  She sipped the lukewarm coffee while her mind reeled. Rick had become a good friend, and though that was what he was now, she’d taken a big step by allowing his daughter to become involved in her life. She’d never planned to be involved with a child, and even if she married, she had always questioned being a mother. In the long haul, being a mother meant devotion and unbending love. She’d always loved her independence, and a mother didn’t have independence. She had responsibility and dependents.

  Yet, for the first time in her life, she wished she was a mother. She’d loved her time with Carly, yet she doubted it would last. But now she faced the truth. A child could bind a heart into a bundle and tie it with a big pink ribbon. Tearing the ribbon off would hurt the child as much as tearing herself apart. She needed to learn how to be a friend without commitment.

  A friend without commitment. The idea seemed practical, very logical, but she feared impossible. Some people she knew were only on a skin level. They could be brushed off or washed away. But others were like an addiction. They could sink inside, enter the veins and become part of the heart. Tearing them away would be worse than a hurt. It could destroy. So what should she do now? Was it too late? Did she still have a choice?

  * * *

  Rick held Carly’s hand as they walked from the church. Although he’d heard much of the lessons and sermon, his mind often had slipped into the past days with Angie. How many times had he cautioned himself not to get involved? He had too much on his plate dealing with Glenda’s moods, and though he understood them at times, he’d lost his patience.

  When Carly was hurt by their relationship, his anger jarred his conscience. A child of five shouldn’t carry the burden of her parents’ relationship, yet she was. Carly was too wise for her years.

  His thoughts shifted to his daughter bouncing beside him. Her energy had been suppressed during the worship service, and for a kid, that was like handcuffs. She was a wonderful child and had entertained herself with one of the bags the church kept in the entry to entertain younger children.

  During the service, he’d spotted Carly looking at him out of the corner of his eye, a grin on her face. She’d pointed to a picture in a storybook, and he’d grinned back when he saw a drawing of Jesus surrounded by little children. Carly touched the picture of a young girl with blond hair and then had pointed to herself. His pulse had lurched and he’d nodded, then had forced himself to focus on the pastor’s lesson for the day.

  Nothing in the world meant more to him than the time he spent with Carly. His chest tightened, picturing Angie and how much he enjoyed being with her. Spending time with both of them had been perfect, and Angie made it so easy. She’d admitted she loved Carly. What more could any father hear than that?

  “Are we going to Angie’s now?”

  Carly’s voice sank into his mind. “We are. She’s waiting for us to do what we promised.”

  “Plant flowers, and I get to help.”

  “She couldn’t do it without you, could she?” He grinned at her glowing face.

  “No, ’cause I follow directions and work hard.”

  He nodded, his mind slipping away again to Glenda and their situation. She was missing too much with Carly, he feared. Her work and long hours kept her away and... He pushed the thought out of his mind. It was a new day, and he wanted to focus on that.

  “Daddy.”

  “What, sweetie?” Irritated with his distraction, he paused and looked at her.

  “Maybe we’ll do more than planting.” Her eyes filled with question.

  “Maybe. Angie often has surprises for us, doesn’t she?”

  She nodded. “I wish Mom had surprises. But she’s tired a lot, and she likes me to be quiet.” She kicked at a pebble in the church parking lot. “I’m not noisy.”

  A chuckle escaped before he could stop it. He managed a serious look. “You’re not noisy. You just have fun. That’s what kids should do, and you ask lots of questions.” They’d reached the car and he hit the remote.

  She grabbed the door handle and grinned. “Asking questions makes me smart.”

  He chuckled again but this time didn’t stop it, and she giggled too as she climbed into her safety seat.

  * * *

  Angie stood a moment watching Carly mimic her as she dug the hole and placed a plant in it, then replaced the dirt and patted it down. The child caught on fast. “You’re doing a very good job, Carly. You amaze me.”

  “Really?” Her expression rang with anticipation as she held the trowel over the mound of dirt she’d just removed.

  “Really. You’re a good learner.”

  Her gaze shot toward Rick. “Daddy, I’m a good learner.”

  She flashed him a smile that rent Angie’s heart. The child loved approval and validation that she was smart and beautiful.

  Rick beamed. “You are, and I’m very proud of you.” He lowered his head a moment. “I think I should spend more time showing you how to do things.”
He knelt beside her. “What do you say?”

  “I say yes.” Her eyes widened. “I want to learn to bake cookies.” She dragged her tongue over her lips. “Can I learn that, Angie?”

  “You sure can. Maybe we could have a lesson. Would that be fun?”

  Carly’s eyes twinkled, and with a happy nod she set a flower in the hole, pushed the earth back and patted it before she dug another one.

  Angie shifted out of Rick’s way as he rose. His expression appeared a conflicting blend of pleasure embedded in sadness.

  “I’ve done a disservice to her, Ang.”

  The nickname tickled her again. “No, you haven’t. She wasn’t ready to learn much until now. She’s in kindergarten, and it’s the beginning of learning for her.” Angie’s heart grew heavy observing Rick blaming himself. His handsome face twisted with guilt, and she wanted to take him in her arms to soothe away his concerns. “Don’t be down on yourself. Instead you can start giving her opportunities to learn, but don’t be disappointed if she isn’t ready to grasp everything.”

  He shook his head, his eyes searching hers. “How do you know so much about kids? You seem a natural.”

  “Natural? Not really.” Again his negativity about himself encouraged her to soften her explanation and to bolster him. Rick had much to offer anyone. His gentle nature and patience with everyone but himself made her ache for him. “My sister has kids. But it’s instinctual, I guess.” She really didn’t know, but it all seemed logical. Rick calling her a natural seeped into her mind and butted against her own doubts about being a good mother. Maybe she should listen. She hoped he would do the same.

  Dropping the thought, she motioned toward Carly. “While she’s still working there, let me show you where I’d like the rosebushes.” She beckoned Rick to follow to the back fence. She pointed to the sunny area Carly had suggested the day before and found a couple of slender twigs that she inserted into the soft soil along the fence. “This gets good sun all day, and that’s what roses need, so let’s plant them here. You’ll need a fairly large hole so the roots can spread.” She showed him a few things she knew about planting roses, techniques she’d learned from her dad.