Color Me Pretty

by Celeste, B.

  “But it does.”

  Her head shook, kind eyes directed at me as if she were trying to tell me something without saying the words themselves. I needed to hear them though.

  “Everybody has an opinion,” I pointed out. “We should know that better than anyone. What I want to know is yours. You loved him.”

  There was no pause that time. “I did. I still do, Della, but what matters is you. You were hurt by them. And I may not know the extent of your mother’s knowledge over your father’s business, but I’ve had my own suspicions for some time. That shouldn’t change anything for you, though.”

  How could it not? Just as I was about to argue that she hushed me. “I don’t think your parents were bad people. I think they both made bad choices that they couldn’t come back from. If your mother knew, she could have stopped him. If you father wanted to, if he felt he was strong enough, he would have ended his dealings. What they chose to do impacted you in an unfair way. I’m sure he held a lot of regrets over it because he loved you very, very much. Do you know that? That he loved you?”

  I blinked, heart heavy over her sure words. There was no way I could tell her I believed her when I had my doubts. They’d weaseled their way into every nook and cranny and settled into my bones to taunt me when the time welcomed it.

  Lydia pulled me into her, the hug not unwelcomed but taking me by surprise. She whispered, “Oh, Della. I know it may not feel like it, but it’s the truth. And if…if what Theo thinks is true, then your father was trying very hard to get back to you, doing anything he could. That counts for something.”

  I jerked back, wide-eyed. “He told you?”

  The sympathy was prominent on her face as she swept hair behind my ear. “Theo loves you too, Della. In ways that…well, it doesn’t matter. But he didn’t tell you to hurt you. It was something that needed to be said because there’d be a day when it got out anyway. Which would be worse? Hearing it from somebody who cares about you or from a stranger?”

  I closed my eyes and buried my face in her neck. Her floral scent eased my shaken nerves as I wrapped my arms around her. There were no words that could lessen the rising guilt weaving in my conscious. I’d been awful to Theo because I was angry, but it really wasn’t at him. I’d dwelled on it longer than I wanted to and acknowledged that I owed him an apology. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know if he’d understand. And if he didn’t? I didn’t blame him. I had no right to yell—to push him. The last thing I wanted to do was close out the one person I had left who’d always been in my corner.

  “I messed up,” I whispered brokenly to my aunt. Those three words heightened the pain in my chest, and it spread throughout my body as I replayed what I’d said to Theo when all he was trying to do was be honest.

  Her response was to hold me tighter, stroking my back with her free hand. “There’s nothing that can’t be fixed, not when it comes to you. Okay? Whatever it is, it’ll work out.”

  Blinking back tears, I nodded.

  Be better. I chanted that to myself again until it was drilled into my head like a permanent feature.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Della

  I smelled the smoke before I saw the cloud lingering in the open office. The door was normally closed, so I knew he didn’t have any company. He usually didn’t pull a cigarette out unless he was alone so nobody could scold him or complain. Namely, me.

  Instead of knocking, I stepped past the threshold and ran a palm down my jean-clad thigh. Inhaling the bitter tobacco that drifted toward me, like my lungs beckoned the torture, I watched that bulky, broad man with eyes closed and head tipped back as he leaned against his chair like he was trying to forget where he was.

  Did I do that to him?

  “Theo?” I whispered.

  Instantly, his body tensed, straightening as he lowered the cigarette from the lips I knew all too well. Swallowing, I watched him open his eyes and take me in. Even from where I stood, I could see the dark circles under his eyes. They matched mine, and the intensity stung me. That didn’t last long though as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray he kept hidden in his top right desk drawer. His entire posture changed as he stood, his face, to my surprise, softening for a moment. He took in the jeans and tee combo which was nothing special on my body, but that wasn’t how his eyes reacted to the cheap clothing I’d gotten at thrift stores.

  “Della.” His greeting was quiet as he walked around his desk and came toward me. I was about to apologize, to tell him how stupid I was for lashing out, how sorry I was for being irrational, when his arms wrapped around me in such a tight embrace that made the words stick inside me, heavy on my tongue.

  The apology was still there, but faint. All that my brain could focus on was that Theo was holding me, hugging me, his muscular arms tightening around my body as if he needed it as much as I did, like he needed me to stay right there instead of storming out again. I had a lot I wanted to say to him, but I realized it could wait for just a few more moments.

  Burying my face into his chest, I inhaled the strong scent of tobacco and man that I didn’t know I missed so much until now. If I tipped my head, felt his breath on more than the top of my head where his lips had pressed in a chaste kiss, I bet I’d smell Bowmore scotch or Jim Beam bourbon—one of his two favorites that he kept well stocked. He didn’t often parade around his money in anything other than the clothes on his body and the liquor he drank.

  Closing my eyes, I cuddled into his warmth, my arms trapped between us, and inhaled for a long moment, like it was the first time I could really breathe.

  I murmured, “I’m so sorry.” The speech I’d practiced all morning didn’t follow the three words. They couldn’t.

  Because he said, “You don’t need to be.”

  And that was that.

  He nuzzled his nose against my hair, running a hand up my spine until it cupped the back of my neck. I felt his lips press against the crown of my head and stay there. We remained that way for a beat longer, my eyes clenching shut like I could pretend that we were allowed to be stuck in that moment rather than dealing with reality.

  Instead, Theo pulled away, sighing heavily, like he wished he could have stayed there too. I’d wondered if he fought the urge to smoke or if it was one of those days that nicotine was essential, probably because of me.

  “Theo—” I began hesitantly.

  He shook his head and pressed his thumb to my bottom lip, the rough pad of his finger caressing me slightly where he’d kissed, suckled, and nipped before. “You look like you’ve lost weight.”

  My lips tilted downward, but I said nothing to disagree. I just looked at him, at his eyes that pierced mine. Those eyes…they would be the end of me if I didn’t end him first. Whenever they gazed at me a little too long, it fed me hope that maybe we would survive. No matter what happened, no matter how horrible I was or how badly I’d acted out, I wanted to believe those dark blue orbs would look at me with love and reassure me that it would be okay.

  Silently cursing, he stepped back and watched my frown deepen as he dropped his hand. His gaze drifted to my shirt, probably on how loosely it fit. If he’d stripped me here and now, peeling off my clothes with the skill I knew he had, he would probably see the bones of my rib cage were beginning to resemble a counting game for children who were learning numbers. One, two, three, four bones!

  “I painted,” I told him instead, ignoring his comment like he probably knew I would. Knowing him, he wanted to shake his head at me, push and argue and make a point about the transformation stress had done to my body. “It isn’t much, only one piece, but Lydia said—”

  “Lydia saw it?” he asked suddenly.

  My throat bobbed before my head did, once in confirmation. I normally hid my pieces, too afraid of what Theo would think if they weren’t perfect, like he would have judged me. Sometimes, the only way he’d see the finished product was if it were displayed elsewhere, not hidden away in the closet in my spare room or pawned off for a decent pri
ce to afford monthly bills or groceries. I hadn’t wanted him to see what my mind conjured, what it begged to create.

  Professor Ambrose had challenged me to paint faces, but the few times I did since her suggestion, I hated each and every one because I knew the features weren’t my own. But if I had drawn the real person behind each inspiration my sleepless nights gave me, would I hate it any differently? I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I doubted seeing my face on a stretched canvas would be any different.

  “She kind of insisted,” I explained, seeing the jealousy in the pinch of his lips. They wavered for a moment, downward than up like he couldn’t decide if he was upset or happy, and I wanted to kick myself for even saying anything to begin with.

  Half his lips kicked up and remained that way, easing only a sliver of anxiety that bubbled in my stomach. “I’m glad, Della.”

  “You don’t seem glad.”

  “What did you paint?”

  I blinked, not expecting the question even if I should have. He was trying to connect, engage, and I wanted to oblige. “Just…” I paused, contemplating as I looked at him. He didn’t deserve the same answer I’d given Lydia. He deserved more. “Me. I drew me.”

  “Can I come by today and look at it?”

  My chest rose slowly, like his answer was the oxygen that my lungs needed to function, and I was gone. Gone, gone, gone and grateful I’d been given somebody like Theo in my life, like fate had played her hand and gifted me one good thing even though she’d taken everything else. “I would like that.”

  His lips lifted higher. “I’ll bring Ramsay.”

  There was another pause between us, but now it was heavy as we stared at each other. It was me who broke the silence first, my timid step toward him the first sign that something was about to happen that should have been second guessed, should have been reconsidered. But when my small hand palmed his wide chest, right over his heart, all that discipline and reason escaped him with the sharp exhale of breath I was rewarded with.

  “Theo?” I studied him through my lashes, our eyes locked as my palm pressed over him with firm determination. “I really am sorry, even if you say I shouldn’t be. You and my father were friends too, and it wasn’t fair for me to say those things to you. We both miss him. We both cared.”

  Placing his hand over mine, he squeezed my fingers once. “That doesn’t make it any easier to accept. You don’t need to apologize for how you feel, Della. I never want you to hold that in. You shouldn’t have to. You of all people deserve to be angry, to lash out, to be pissed off at the world. I expect it.”

  One of my shoulders lifted. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Before he could tell me we needed to do, I shook my head and raised on my tiptoes. My lips brushed the bottom of his jaw, causing another small breath to escape his pressed lips.

  “Della, now isn’t the right time.”

  My hands found his waist, resting there instead of lingering like I wanted them to. My lips remained where they were, the light kiss no more than a chaste gesture that I’d done at my father’s funeral. Except, the kiss between us now wasn’t a kiss goodbye. His eyes closed for only a moment before his hand finally came down and cupped my cheek, moving away enough to look down at me fully.

  “Theo? I need…” Swiping the tip of my tongue over my bottom lip, I exhaled heavily and fisted his shirt in my palms. “I don’t know.”

  His thumb caressed my jaw. “What don’t you know? Tell me what I can do.”

  My lips rubbed together before I caught his eye again. I whispered, “I don’t know anything anymore.” My hoarse words made him pull me back into him and rest his chin on top of my head as I curled tightly into the body he was offering me.

  I heard heels behind us and figured it was his secretary, Abigail. With my back turned, I could only guess that the abrupt stop was from her seeing us like this, wrapped up in one another and not caring. Maybe we should have. I was sure Theo did since he was the one hesitant to take this step so publicly, and while I did try to understand his predicament, it didn’t make it any easier to swallow.

  When the heels turned and faded down the hall after a click of the door, no words spoken verbally between them, long fingers ran through my hair until I tipped my chin up to see if he was looking at me. Drawing my bottom lip into my mouth and nibbling, I felt his cock hardening in his slacks between us.

  “Della…” His voice was hoarse with a warning that I didn’t listen to. I could tell his defenses were down too as I rolled my hips into his length until a hearty groan rose from his throat. I wasn’t sure which one of us made the move first, but eventually our lips were pressed against each other’s and his tongue parted my lips as my arms wrapped around his broad shoulders and yanked him down toward me to close the height distance. He tasted like liquor and tobacco and I hated it and loved it because I loved him. So much. And I needed this even more than I needed anything else.

  “Please,” I said against him as his hands found my butt and gripped me as the kiss deepened. My head was tilted back as he took over, the kiss controlling but soft and slow and torturous as he started walking backwards, my feet on his like we were dancing until he was sitting on the edge of his desk. The grip on my backside tightened as he pressed me into him, letting me feel how badly he wanted me, and I did the first thing I could think of.

  I dropped to me knees.

  “Fuck,” he hissed as I undid his belt, popped open his dress pants, and slowly unzipped him. The bulge I was met with was impressive but not as much as when I took him out of the tight briefs that were tented. “Della, you don’t have to—”

  Before he could finish, the head of his cock was in my mouth and his words were cut off by a strangled curse. His palm found my hair as I rose higher on my knees and took him further into my mouth, letting my tongue glide down the underside of him until he was cursing and panting and gripping my head until my hair stung.

  “Della,” he whispered breathily, head tipping back when I looked up at him. I gagged when I took him further, my eyes watering when he started thrusting into my mouth like he needed more. He was so hard, so big, that it hurt my jaw, but I loved the twinge of pain and the ache that settled between my thighs because of the way he twitched and throbbed in my mouth. “No more, baby girl. You need to stop.”

  I withdrew with a pop, what he called me taking me by surprise, before looking at him with pinched brows. “Did I—”

  “Walk around my desk, take off your jeans, and spread your legs, sweetheart.” His demand turned my blood into molten lava.

  Doing as he said, I rose, toying with the snap and zipper of my own pants before walking around his desk and watching him prowl toward me with a hungry look on his face. He cupped the back of my neck and pulled me toward him in a rough kiss that had me moaning into his mouth as he trailed his hands to the denim still covering me and yanking down my jeans until they fell to the floor. I stepped out of them as one of his palms cupped over my center, feeling how hot and wet I was already from his words and presence alone.

  His fingers danced over my panties, teasing me as his teeth grazed my neck and nipped just above my pulse. Flattening his tongue over the same spot as he breathed me in, I silently willed his fingers to dip under the cotton covering my core and touch me where I needed him.

  “Theo,” I whispered, grabbing onto his shoulders, and digging my nails into him. “Touch me, taste me, anything. Please?”

  I felt his smile against my neck as he moved down my body until his mouth was over my breast, still covered by a t-shirt and flimsy bra. His free hand palmed the one his mouth wasn’t latched onto as he bit into me, causing my hips to shoot forward into his hand. He palmed me slowly, one of his fingers dipping under the hem of my panties and running up and down the seam of my lips until I was begging him to do something more.

  I moved one of my hands down to show him exactly what I wanted, trailing to meet his touch, and guiding one of his fingers inside of me while my thumb pla
yed with my clit. My head dropped backward as I silently moaned, trying so hard to keep quiet as he added a second finger. Opening my legs a little wider, I looked at him as he watched our hands ready me.

  “Theo,” I whispered, keeping his fingers in a needy rhythm until I could hear my wetness with every thrust of his digits. “I need you inside me. Taking me. Filling me. I’ll do anything.”

  “Anything?” he repeated.

  I would have done anything if it meant feeling him inside of me instead of his fingers. I nodded, helping him drag down my panties until they joined my jeans on his office floor. He picked me up and set me on his desk, spreading my legs and stepping between them. His clothes were still on save the pants that were down low enough to keep his impressive length free. He gripped it and gave it a few tugs before kissing me again like he meant it, like he was telling me everything I needed to hear without words themselves, before lining himself up and surging inside fast and hard, his breath hot and heavy on my lips as I tried matching his speed.

  My fingernails sliced into the skin of his neck as his cock hit me in the perfect place with every move. He held my thighs open, spreading me wider, even though I wanted to wrap my legs around him as he drove into me over and over. This Theo was hungry, and I loved it, got lost in it, as I bit into his bottom lip as he adjusted the angle and took me deeper.

  “Ohgodohgodohgod,” I chanted heavily when the wet sound we made together filled the room. There was no way people couldn’t hear us, no matter how hard I tried keeping quiet by biting my lip. Theo changed pace suddenly, slowly rolling into me like he was trying to prove something.

  I didn’t like it, my protest slipping past my lips in a frustrated tone. “Faster.” I was overheated and needy and couldn’t stand him going so slow. I reached behind him and grabbed his toned glutes, pulling him harder into me to try building back up to what was going to make me explode around him.

  He circled his hips, making me gasp loudly until speckles of white hit my eyes when he drew back and did it again.